Wealthy family - how to make Teen realise this is not "real life"

[homebythesea]

Will try not to drip feed - and this is not stealth boasting - just the facts...

We are a wealthy family by dint of good luck, mad property market in the past and inheritance. However both DH and I come from very ordinary families - me especially (grandparents factory / manual labour, Council house, Mum left school at 14 etc etc). Dh from Professional family but again his Grandparents were shop owners, generally very ordinary MC family.

As a result of our financial position the children have always been privately educated and we enjoy several nice holidays a year. We live in a big house in leafy Home Counties. All their friends are the same if not wealthier (staff, pools etc).

We have been painfully aware of this privileged "bubble" we live in and have constantly tried to drum into the DC's that they are fabulously privileged and the vast majority of people would give several limbs to enjoy the kind of things they deem normal. We do not give them all the material things they ask for (much to their disgust) and are constantly accused of being mean (eg not buying extra trainers before the old ones are worn out, limiting day trips in the holidays because of the expense etc.). They get limited pocket money.

However my 14 year old has become the most monstrous snob and comes out with comments on all sorts of things that make me wince, and make me fear for his realtionships with others out there in the wide world that he will have to deal with when he inevitably has to go outside the "bubble". It also makes him look and sound appalling - something he doesn't seem to get.

He comments on peoples dress, accent etc, can't seem to understand that the solution to a problem is not always to throw money at it, seeems without any empathy or understanding for those who have less than him, and will actively refuse to do things or go places that might be populated by "chavs" who, according to his warped view of the world will inevitably cause trouble and be unpleasant.

Because I always pull him up on these types of comments and ideas we are in almost constant conflict and on many occaisions I have pointed out that this family is not "all that" and it is only through luck that we are in this position. We have half seriously threatened to take him out of his Public School and send him to our local State school just to make him realise that he world is not populated by some kind of alien race as he seems to think.

One day he will come down to earth with a bump - it can't come soon enough. But in the meantime any suggestions for practical things we can do now to stop the rot?

Contd....

A different planet as it is so different from what he sees on a daily basis in his admittedly limited geographical territory. It is generally a well to do area- no unemployment and no soup kitchens as far as I'm aware....

I have to agree with motherinferior - was just going to post the same and she beat me to it.

I don't think voluntary work is necessarily the way to go. It would give more opportunity to look down his nose not less. I doubt it will open his eyes to anything. You need something that will put him at the same level as those he is working/volunteering with not put him in a position of beneficator. I reckon a job would be more of a leveller. At 14 he could do a paper round, even if he is unlikely to get shop/cafe type work. Make sure he gets a round in the less affluent part of town, that nobody helps him out by following round in the nice comfy car or chases him to get up. It would be more motivating if you cut his pocket money to a minimum.

Maybe joining a local sports team might help the mixing with other children his age who are less well off. Some do play on Sunday mornings if he is at school on Saturday.

If it makes you feel better I have a 14 year old who is a terrible inverted snob, despite being from a middle class family. I have had many " discussions" lately where I end up defending the pupils of the ndependent school in our town from DS's scathing attacks. He blatantly ignores the fact that he has known many of them indivually since he was a toddler. I think loyalty to school and peers is at its height at this age and he will eventually develop more balanced views with you as a parent.

He might need a serious lesson but he might also have gotten your point and acting like a caricature of himself because he actually aware that he comes from a "lucky family" as opposed to an established wealthy family: he behaves "more French than the French" just to fit in.
A friend of mine used to do that when we were teenagers, to distinguish herself from the "common people" as she put it, and fit with us all - she considered to be "special". Perhaps he needs to be re assured that he actually belongs to his community and is not any different from the others?

They come to that realisation eventually on their own. But you can't make them feel guilty for who they are and who you are. My ds was king of entitlement but I just rolled my eyes said no and he turned out ok.

OK, going against the grain a bit but - have you thought that to your DS, this is "real life"? His life, his childhood - it's different to yours, that doesn't make it any less 'real'. His snobbery could be a reaction to your inverse snobbery? I grew up in a middle class area with 2 parents from very very poor backgrounds who kept drumming into me that we were "lucky" and "this isn't how most people live" and that "most people in X town wouldn't last 2 minutes in the real world" - are you a bit guilty of this? Making out that all his friends parents are only in this position because they are 'lucky' and not 'because they are unusually clever and hard working'? Do you go on about how he should consider himself 'lucky' just to have what is 'normal' for him - and actually is a lifestyle you've chosen to give him. As the child in this position, it's really irritating, being expected to be grateful for things you've not had a choice over.

He will grow out of it, because if you do encourage him to work he'll meet people from a variety of backgrounds and abilities (if he's in a selective private school, he probably doens't know anyone who's not that bright either, I know one friend who found it genuninely hard to adjust in a Saturday job at 16 to working alongside people who weren't that bright - the idea that some people just can't get things is something that very bright people who've spent their whole education surrounded by people who get straight A*s, find hard to understand).

Try to remember though, his life is as real as yours. He might spend his childhood surrounded by rich people's DCs, then go to uni, suround himself with similar people there and then be successful at work and never socialise with people from a poorer background. That doesn't mean he won't (over time) understand the issues affecting those people.

Most kids get jobs on who they know, unless he is prepared to do a lot of leg work looking for
a job is meaningless because he hasn't had to go out looking for it.

Love it when guardian readers Shie their hypocrisy by being far more judgmental than those they look down upon.

And it could be worse, there's few things more annoying that a posh boy pretending to be 'street' - can you imagine how embarrassing a Guy Richie style mockney accent would be...

some volunteering work meet a range of other people.get involved
do you have friends/colleagues he can shadow at work, get balanced view of life

Don't Mind- you have struck a chord. I knOw this is his reality and One that we have chosen for him. DH and I were over achievers academically, Oxbridge and City. What we want to do is to enjoy what all Of that allows us, provide opportunities and experiences for our children and send them out into the world with the values we hold dear. It is this last bit I am struggling with now. D'S needs to open his eyes but I agree he should not feel bad about what we have provided and chosen. I had never thought about it that way before. I just hope that this twattish snobbery gets diluted by experience eventually- it is so unattractive!!

The big advantage of volunteering is not so much the people he?ll help, it?s the socialising with the other young volunteers from all backgrounds.

Rather than exposing him to extreme poverty in exotic parts of the world, which might tend to emphasise his sense of being different from/superior to people with less money, could your son get involved in some activity that brings him into contact with a wider assortment of local young people, whether it?s sports, music or game-playing? When people are united by a shared interest then money differences seem less important, and maybe talent and hard work would seem more important.

Does he like to read? Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers is a good read, suggests how people get to be luckier than others - not just money but eg professional sports players are more likely to have been older in their school year. Of course aptitude & talent matter, but accident of birth is influential in many/most situations.
The ragged trousered philanthropists is another you could leave lying around - don't push that one though, or he'll be standing for the junior EDL or something just to get you to back off!

You sound lovely home
I bet it's really cringy but don't despair.

I agree with the others that he is being a bit of a twatty teenager and it may pass.
As long as you continue to register your disapproval in a calm but firm way.
I wouldn't move schools.

Volunteer works is a good idea if it's the right type. It broadens the mind.
He is just a kid and has a lot to learn about the world.

My ds has come out with some utter corkers about women and politics. I was proper like .
He also has very little work ethic and that is a huge disappointment to us.

We cant really teach him a lesson about humility financially. He lives in a hostel and gets by on thin air quite happily
His immature ideas about women have been strongly challenged and he is coming out of that little phase thak God

in your area is there any groups looking for volunteers you and son could jointly do stuff
You'd be there to supervise from distance and bit bonding
libraries and local authorities keep list of voluntary projects

PS I wouldn?t worry too much about his daft remarks. DS (aged 14) goes to a state school and he brings home a lot of reverse snobbery about the private schools and the kids who go there, as well as exaggerated fears about chavs and neds and gangs in some other parts of town! You can?t win sometimes.

It sounds to me that he's just being a teenager and reacting to the messages he gets from his peers. It is a really difficult and confusing time when you have a lot to deal with both physically and emotionally. It's when you think you're grown up and mature but you are so not. Speaking to the school about this issue is a good idea if you feel comfortable. Just be patient and loving and he will come out the other side. You don't want to do anything to jeopardize your relationship with your son for the future. I wouldn't withdraw him from the school as a good education is the greatest gift you can give a child however wealthy you are.

I agree you'd be better off finding ways to have him socialise with other DCs from other backgrounds as his equal - so either working, or sports clubs etc. You don't need to force the issue, if he makes friends with other kids as his equal, he will then see they have less if he visits their houses, talks about their holidays etc. it will do much more than you labouring the point that he 'is lucky'.

It is his age! He is not who he is yet . I bet if someone other than yourself sat him down and asked him about how lucky he is and how others have different lives I bet he would know exactly what to say and impress them with his generosity of spirit no end! But you are his parents and he is 14

I want to take DC to Africa next year.
We are not wealthy like OP, but we are relatively comfortable, nonetheless.
I spent a lot of time in Mexico as a child so always seeing poverty as a child.
DC are out of touch with it, seeing poverty for a reality might be a helpful shock.

I think that is OTT. sorry

DS (15) also makes comments about CHAVs on a regular basis. He goes to a 1300 pupil Comprehensive school with pupils from a mixture of backgrounds.

He too didn't see the point in Voluntary work working for no money (which I do on a regular basis) until he had to do it for his DofE. He has also recently done a weeks work experience for which he received no payment. He has finally realised that there are other advantages to him.

He is still 'snobby' about those less fortunate than himself - although he has no reason to be, we are not well off or privelidged. It is just part of being a teenager, they are very judgemental. Just continue to 'pull him up' on any comments and attempt to have a reasoned discussion around the subject. Hopefully he will grow up one day!!!

I think a state 6th form would be a great idea not only to temper his snobbery but just to get a bit more used to the real world most of us inhabit. You tend to be treated more like a grown up than schools treat you but it isn't making such a radical change that you are risking his education.

I also agree that extremist views are common in the young, whether it be to the right of Ghengis Khan or left of Marx. It could go either way ime but should most do grow out of it. My privately educated Bil railed against his MC by being a communist/ socialist worker type but 25 years on he works in a private school himself and feels slightly foolish about his views in his youth. I think extremist views are easy for a young person who is still trying to make sense of the world because they make tend to see the things in a very black and white way - the grey areas take a while to get your head around and it isn't until you do that you temper your more unworldly andor unpleasant views.

Hi homebythesea,
I think it bears pointing out that all teengers fear/stigmatise things that are different to them. I went to private school in south east london from the age of 7, as did my brother, and we both went through a bit of a 'can't go to brixton/peckham after dark because the chavs will get us' stage around the age of 14 even though we went to different schools. We both got over it. I think starting going out at night with our friends at 15/16 helped because you mix a lot more in public rather than just being in your friends' houses. Even more so when you start going to pubs and clubs at 17/18.

I took part in helping run a few voluntary youth theatre schemes for local state schools and found the teenagers there 100 times more judgemental, bitchy and competitive (what brand are your jeans, what perfume do you have etc) than any I met at school (and trust me there were some real jerks there). Teenagers close ranks against those that make them uncomfortable.

University is a huge wake up call for some. I know many people from private schools who, upon arriving at university, went through an awakening during that first term. They are all very friendly, accepting and well rounded people now, they just needed that chance so socalise with people from a variety of backgrounds. I have also lost count of the number of times someone said to me 'You're really nice for someone who went to private school.' I find it shocking as I would never consider saying 'You're really nice for someone who went to a state school.'

its ridiculous suggestion to change schools
too disruptive and what point would it serve,other than some supposed redress of social imbalance
hed simply be an affluent school boy at a state school.instead of an affluent schoolboy at private school

DS at a "pukka" Public School, on the whole wealthy kids especially the group he has fallen in with

There's your answer - he's spouting his friends views as he wants to fit in.

Voluntary work, then no allowance but a mcjob as soon as he's old enough. Give him an idea of how hard the people he looks down on work.

There should be a volunteer organisation somewhere near you (or through D of E or something?)