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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Wealthy family - how to make Teen realise this is not "real life"

162 replies

homebythesea · 02/09/2012 11:41

Will try not to drip feed - and this is not stealth boasting - just the facts...

We are a wealthy family by dint of good luck, mad property market in the past and inheritance. However both DH and I come from very ordinary families - me especially (grandparents factory / manual labour, Council house, Mum left school at 14 etc etc). Dh from Professional family but again his Grandparents were shop owners, generally very ordinary MC family.

As a result of our financial position the children have always been privately educated and we enjoy several nice holidays a year. We live in a big house in leafy Home Counties. All their friends are the same if not wealthier (staff, pools etc).

We have been painfully aware of this privileged "bubble" we live in and have constantly tried to drum into the DC's that they are fabulously privileged and the vast majority of people would give several limbs to enjoy the kind of things they deem normal. We do not give them all the material things they ask for (much to their disgust) and are constantly accused of being mean (eg not buying extra trainers before the old ones are worn out, limiting day trips in the holidays because of the expense etc.). They get limited pocket money.

However my 14 year old has become the most monstrous snob and comes out with comments on all sorts of things that make me wince, and make me fear for his realtionships with others out there in the wide world that he will have to deal with when he inevitably has to go outside the "bubble". It also makes him look and sound appalling - something he doesn't seem to get.

He comments on peoples dress, accent etc, can't seem to understand that the solution to a problem is not always to throw money at it, seeems without any empathy or understanding for those who have less than him, and will actively refuse to do things or go places that might be populated by "chavs" who, according to his warped view of the world will inevitably cause trouble and be unpleasant.

Because I always pull him up on these types of comments and ideas we are in almost constant conflict and on many occaisions I have pointed out that this family is not "all that" and it is only through luck that we are in this position. We have half seriously threatened to take him out of his Public School and send him to our local State school just to make him realise that he world is not populated by some kind of alien race as he seems to think.

One day he will come down to earth with a bump - it can't come soon enough. But in the meantime any suggestions for practical things we can do now to stop the rot?

OP posts:
TheQueenOfDiamonds · 03/09/2012 02:10

I thought teenagers were like this in general.
My first boyfriend refused to go to the hospital with me because it was in the "chav part".

My younger brother is 16 and is only just toning it down with the condescending and plain rude comments. He did start to learn though when he called someone a dirty gypo and they were actually a gypsy and chased him home.

He also called someone a dirty taliban, and got a kicking for it so he didn't do that one again (plus lost his xbox as punishment for racism!).

Some girls attacked him too for kicking a girls crutches which was hilarious and well deserved.

Only4theOlympics · 03/09/2012 02:28

Sorry haven't had time to read it all buy what about DofE stuff or a world challenge expedition? World challenge in a poverty stricken part of the world might be the shock he needs.

EldritchCleavage · 03/09/2012 02:30

I agree he is probably desperately trying to fit in at his school, and may have a rather unfortunate peer group-what the rest of your year is like has a big effect on how you behave at school, I think. Paradoxically it might be a mistake to lecture-just tell him his comments are ill-mannered and gauche and you don't want to listen to them.

Any chance of sending him on any courses where he'd mix with bright state school children? I was the state school kid on a posh residential language course my parents inexplicably decided to send me on. There were 2 other state school kids, and the rest were public/independent school. They were amazed we even did language 'A' levels at our comps, let alone the same exam board as them. I think it genuinely came as a shock that we were civilised, articulate and bright (Grange Hill has a lot to answer for).

My postgrad course featured a good few public school-educated people getting a nasty shock that the competition for employment was fiercer than they'd ever realised because the state-educated candidates couldn't be completely written off.

Original poster
homebythesea · 03/09/2012 07:40

So many thought provoking replies ladies- thank you so much for being both reassuring and challenging. Will get the books suggested and try to tone down the lecturing and hope these things will pass!!

OP posts:
sashh · 03/09/2012 07:41

Do you want to do a house swap for a week? I live on one of the roughest souncil estates in the West Midlands, I could cope with a week in a nice house.

Better still let him excchange with a friend of mine who has just got his first counsil flat. He doesn't have any living room furniture, or a cooker. He has the internet but no TV.

The electricity is on a meter. It could be aranged that it runs out and he has to go find a shop where he can buy the electricity, buy the electricity, put it on the meter etc.

You mentioned school, maybe contact a local comp and, for a donation, let them take your son for a week or two - private schools have much longer holidays so he could spend the first or last weeks of term without missing any school time.

Tell him you and your partner are nt going to leave your children any money, it is going to charity, but you will let them research the charities.

ivykaty44 · 03/09/2012 15:49

He says he wants to do a job when he is old enough - he is certainly motivated by money - and we will definitely encourage that!

It was this comment that made me think you were motivated by money, to me encouraging a motivation in money comes from other people that are themselves motivated by money.

Asmywhimsytakesme · 03/09/2012 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrothyOM · 03/09/2012 16:03

I've read Chavs by Owen Jones, it's not hard going and I would recommend it.

Changing schools would be a bit harsh. Making teenagers work for their pocket money is always good idea. As soon as I was old enough to do a paper round my parents stopped my pocket money. And, wait for it... It never did me any harm. Grin

saintlyjimjams · 03/09/2012 16:06

ivy - I read it as the OP saying she would encourage him in seeking a job, not encourage being motivated by money.

Nahla321 · 03/09/2012 16:33

He probably just needs something to bring him back down to earth. Is he a child that fits in easily with other children? Hopefully he will grow out of the attitude he has aquired but if he don't he may find it harder in later life if he does for any reason have to mix with others a different class and wealth as you. I think he needs to be shown that there is nothing wrong with people who don't have as much money as you, they can still be lovely people and can still make great friends. You sound lovely and down to earth by the way. Good luck

Maursh · 03/09/2012 16:59

I agree with others that this is most likely teenage boorishness and will pass. In the meantime you might try to leverage his fear of "poor people" to motivate him to work harder. Ask him to research how much he will be paid as a graduate and what sort of accommodation he would be able to afford on this salary...ie after 21 years the bank of Mummy and Daddy has closed

Although you mean well, being willing to pay for any and all trips isn't right either. Even though they may be to help people in poor countries, there is still a "glamour" factor in all expenses paid trip to Africa and South America. It wouldn't do him any harm to hear the words "No, we can't afford it" from time to time.

The "pukka" school sounds ghastly, btw

pookamoo · 03/09/2012 17:20

I know you said he's doing CCF at school, but that won't mix him with non-school people, will it?
If he's a day pupil, how about Scouts, not through school?

Original poster
homebythesea · 03/09/2012 17:39

Ivykaty- the "encourage that" referred to his desire to get a job - the comment about his motivation was meant to be in parenthesis!

OP posts:
Original poster
homebythesea · 03/09/2012 17:43

Nahla- I fear the bump back to earth will come via a good kicking (only slight joke!) we have had numerous conversations about what he can expect in the way of housing, salary etc when he gets his first job. It doesn't mean anything to him yet and thinks that he will be able to maintain the lifestyle. We (in the best possible way) look forward to him learning these harsh lessons first hand, or for him to grow up- whichever comes first!

OP posts:
Original poster
homebythesea · 03/09/2012 17:45

We tried Scouts a few years ago (before rhis begaviour btw) - he didn't fit in, got singled out etc. he is beyond making him physically get in the car to go so it went by the wayside I'm afraid

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 03/09/2012 18:19

When I re read it I wasn't sure which it was or both or job, glad to see it was the job part and not motivated by money.

noddyholder · 03/09/2012 18:21

Honestly at 14 all talk of sending to the developing world and voluntary work is daft as even that wouldn't affect the selfish mind of a teenager Ignore him for a few years Grin

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 03/09/2012 18:22

Send to normal school! Wink

ivykaty44 · 03/09/2012 18:24

TBH I would avoid conversation about money and when he says most cringeworth stuff I would roll my eyes.

I would be very very tempted though, if he says "why don't they just get a job" to reply with well if it is so easy why don't you get a job and we will stop your pocket money from this week as an incentive...

But if you did say that can you come back and let me know what the result is please?

thewhistler · 03/09/2012 18:24

All of you go on a home stay holiday to Malaysia at half term. You would live on a farm ie a house on stilts, no running water, help out with the hens and the buffalo and have a great time. We didn't do this but wanted to, but just being aware of the average standard of living in some countries abroad was an eye opener for Ds. Your ds can boast about it later, it won't be a punishment, you can all do it, but it will change his views even if he doesn't say so at the time.

Because he is 14 it will be really hard to get a job and you can't easily volunteer at that age. CSV later would be brilliant. Ditto crisis at Christmas.

Also, as said above, give him an allowance but make it conditional on certain actions being performed. Ours are not v demanding but usually insisted on; eg. putting out rubbish/recycling, cleaning the shoes on Sunday night, sorting out the clean laundry.

And watch tv with him, using it as a social and moral commentary. Phoebe in friends is as mad as a box of frogs but has turned herself around. Charlie Sheen has made himself what he is, despite, because of, the money. Sheldon is weird, brilliant, but not a chav, from a v ordinary home in Texas and a state school.

Good luck. Most 14 year olds go through rough stages, ours is. They will come through it.

NellyJob · 03/09/2012 21:41

You mentioned school, maybe contact a local comp and, for a donation, let them take your son for a week or two
'let' them? for some 'chav' tourism for a public school snob?
they would laugh at such a suggestion.

scottishmummy · 03/09/2012 21:45

visit a local comp.how patrionising
what and gawp at the lower orders
sniggering at the donation...I say can I pay you for me son to observe the poor types

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 03/09/2012 22:03

Agree with the last two posts, what a dreadful and offensive idea!

noddyholder · 03/09/2012 22:31

I agree it is all patronising. And the suggestions re Malaysia etc are ridiculous.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 03/09/2012 22:42

The thing is, my instinct is to treat it as you would a teenager coming out with repellent remarks based on race, or towards women: absolutely leap on it, explain why its so offensive and that you do not want to hear anything of the kind under your roof again.
But I think OP risks tying herself in knots and looking to her son like a hypocrite if she tries this and her son knows it, because he didnt send himself to the school full of wealthy children, did he?