Wealthy family - how to make Teen realise this is not "real life"

[homebythesea]

Will try not to drip feed - and this is not stealth boasting - just the facts...

We are a wealthy family by dint of good luck, mad property market in the past and inheritance. However both DH and I come from very ordinary families - me especially (grandparents factory / manual labour, Council house, Mum left school at 14 etc etc). Dh from Professional family but again his Grandparents were shop owners, generally very ordinary MC family.

As a result of our financial position the children have always been privately educated and we enjoy several nice holidays a year. We live in a big house in leafy Home Counties. All their friends are the same if not wealthier (staff, pools etc).

We have been painfully aware of this privileged "bubble" we live in and have constantly tried to drum into the DC's that they are fabulously privileged and the vast majority of people would give several limbs to enjoy the kind of things they deem normal. We do not give them all the material things they ask for (much to their disgust) and are constantly accused of being mean (eg not buying extra trainers before the old ones are worn out, limiting day trips in the holidays because of the expense etc.). They get limited pocket money.

However my 14 year old has become the most monstrous snob and comes out with comments on all sorts of things that make me wince, and make me fear for his realtionships with others out there in the wide world that he will have to deal with when he inevitably has to go outside the "bubble". It also makes him look and sound appalling - something he doesn't seem to get.

He comments on peoples dress, accent etc, can't seem to understand that the solution to a problem is not always to throw money at it, seeems without any empathy or understanding for those who have less than him, and will actively refuse to do things or go places that might be populated by "chavs" who, according to his warped view of the world will inevitably cause trouble and be unpleasant.

Because I always pull him up on these types of comments and ideas we are in almost constant conflict and on many occaisions I have pointed out that this family is not "all that" and it is only through luck that we are in this position. We have half seriously threatened to take him out of his Public School and send him to our local State school just to make him realise that he world is not populated by some kind of alien race as he seems to think.

One day he will come down to earth with a bump - it can't come soon enough. But in the meantime any suggestions for practical things we can do now to stop the rot?

He's 14, they say outrageous things all the time. Currently our 14 year has a list of utterly mental bollocks she talks about - marrying someone from One Direction , making money by selling a body part or her eggs (she thought that was a good idea), slagging of Tulisa for being a 'slut' (yes, I lectured on feminism for 20 minutes) running off to LA to join her dance teacher so she can be in the next street dance movie.....

plus a load of crap that doesn't even raise an eyebrow. 14 year olds are judgemental in general, this is there way of making the world safe - it has to be black and white so they know where they fit in.

I just nod along, raise an eyebrow at the truly mental crap -occasionally threaten to video the really weird stuff (like where she proposed she got up at 5am to do homework as it would be nice and quiet )

and gently take the piss. They don't really mean it, they're just 14 - testing out boundaries, pushing you to see where the line is, trying out who they are.

Nod and laugh, threaten to remind them of it when they get older, ignore as much as you can.

fivegomad - I am your Dad!!

Flump - he starts CCF at school this year - here's hoping!!

Bruffin - I do a lot of volunteering. He once said "why do you spend all that time when no-one pays you". He clearly doesn't get it!!

Take him to volunteer at a soup kitchen.

I would say it is far more likely to be a teenage reaction against his parents values than a long term problem for his life.

Volunteering and travel are probably your best bets for opening his eyes. Does his school do DofE? Great for the UCAS form and compulsory volunteering. How about work exp next holidays? (something related to your line of work.... At the much closer to minimum wage level?)

Don't fight him every time, it's pointless. Show your contempt for his attitude with a facial expression (or a quick eye roll towards his father). He will understand these subtle signals and it's less likely to escalate into a full blown row every day.

I think you are being a bit harsh on him, he is only 14 and TBH they tend to come out with all kinds of shit.

I grew up in a council estate and I was also a monstrous snob!

Make sure that he does Duke of Edinburgh - the Dartmoor bit is only a teeny tiny part and he'll meet some jolly bright and fit proles who'll take him down a peg or three.

And yes, restrict the cash. Be willing to say no.

Sadly "new money" kids are often badly adjusted to their situation. Those with rich grandparents and great grandparents will have learned their place from a very early age and their parents likewise. You KNOW where you came from. So will their grandchildren, but your own children are that awkward middling place.

What about taking him and your daughter to help out at a local soup kitchen one night? Im in Devon and know that down here there is one thats organised by a charity and I often see mums with teenagers helping out and talking to the people about how they came to be homeless. If you can get him to cross that barrier and see the human aspect - the stories that explain why these people are "beneath him" it should make him see things from a totally different angle. I think at 14 most children are still very sheltered and dont yet have an understanding about the realities of poverty. I know I got my first eyeopener watching my mums DVD of Roots (does anyone remember it?) which was about the slave trade and slaves struggle for liberation in America.

Tell him "noblesse oblige" when he asks why you volunteer. And say he sounds vulgar when he whitters on about chavs. If he's a monstrous snob he will hate that.

TalkinPeace talks alot of sense, about the new money vs old.

Switch him to a normal school for the sixth form. Seriously. He'll soon clock that he's nothing special.

He will get the opportunity (actually its compulsory!) to do DofE and social care type voluntary work at school in a couple of years time so that's for the future.

I'm so glad I posted - all very reassuring - thank you!

The problem with voluntary work is that he'll still have the idea that people from normal backgrounds are the beneficiaries of his worthy generosity. He needs to mix with other kids who are - amazingly enough - not bit-parts in Oliver Twist even though they don't come from rich homes or go to private school.

Something like scouts would be good to counter that motherinferior. If he volunteers with cubs say he would meet hoards of 'normal' (less wealthy) kids.

I would, very seriously, consider moving him from the v. pukka public school to a smaller less up it's own arse one. We've got one of the top five boys schools here, the attitude of some of them when they're allowed out to go shopping for sweeties is unbelievably arrogant. By contrast, the day children from a less wellknown one who also appear regularly are really quite good at please, thankyou, and not barging in front of you on the pavement.

Sixth form at a good state school is very well worth considering.

I agree. He needs to mix with more kids. Not just rich ones.

And when he gets to 16 send him to a Sixth Form College where he will meet people from all walks of life.

...and he'll realise, pronto, that they're just as bright, competent and able as he is. Which will presumably be a shock

Is he being picked on at school for being newer money? I ask because my DH went to public school, being from a family who were in council housing accommodation a generation before, and was picked on for being "common". Teenagers aren't nice and will find the chink in someone's armour and maybe your DS is trying to distance himself from the side of your family that his friends would judge?

I expect he'll grow out of it. We are all fairly horrid at 14 and it's probably about him trying to find his place in the world.

Is the pukka school Stowe by any chance?

No not Stowe

He has mooted a 6th form college so we wil see- hardly anyone leaves for the 6th form though and I fear that he will ultimately go with the flow- but ad I have said the school does work hard to take the bits out of their comfort zone so it hopefully will be a positive influence if he stays.

Boys not bits!

How politically engaged are you? My dcs have a similar lifestyle, but also read The Guardian, Economist etc. are aware that we have D debits to charities, make loans to start up businesses in developing countries, have been on marches etc. if you don't already, ensure they see you doing this.
What papers do you have at home. If none or the Daily Mail/ Telegraph, that's where he's getting his opinions from.

i think it is impossible to make kids feel appreciative of what they regard as the norm and almost destructive. If someone said to oyu every day " be grateful you have a house" for eg it would soon wear thin,

think the snobbish comments are unsavoury though but all sorts of kids say these even ones he would no doubt regard as "chavs" make htem about others. I know I have heard.

think the "rich boy helping the poor" is a bit victorian. I would make him get a job. See how rich he feels then

Helpyourself- not particularly and we do read the Telegraph (!) but I world describe myself as left leaning. From what D'S sometimes says you would describe him as to the right of Genghis Khan ("why don't they just get a job" being a favourite phrase of his)

We do make them watch things like Red Nose Day, Children in Need etc, support charities financially and practically (my volunteering) etc. anything really to open their eyes. But for D'S anyway this all looks like a different