Wealthy family - how to make Teen realise this is not "real life"

[homebythesea]

Will try not to drip feed - and this is not stealth boasting - just the facts...

We are a wealthy family by dint of good luck, mad property market in the past and inheritance. However both DH and I come from very ordinary families - me especially (grandparents factory / manual labour, Council house, Mum left school at 14 etc etc). Dh from Professional family but again his Grandparents were shop owners, generally very ordinary MC family.

As a result of our financial position the children have always been privately educated and we enjoy several nice holidays a year. We live in a big house in leafy Home Counties. All their friends are the same if not wealthier (staff, pools etc).

We have been painfully aware of this privileged "bubble" we live in and have constantly tried to drum into the DC's that they are fabulously privileged and the vast majority of people would give several limbs to enjoy the kind of things they deem normal. We do not give them all the material things they ask for (much to their disgust) and are constantly accused of being mean (eg not buying extra trainers before the old ones are worn out, limiting day trips in the holidays because of the expense etc.). They get limited pocket money.

However my 14 year old has become the most monstrous snob and comes out with comments on all sorts of things that make me wince, and make me fear for his realtionships with others out there in the wide world that he will have to deal with when he inevitably has to go outside the "bubble". It also makes him look and sound appalling - something he doesn't seem to get.

He comments on peoples dress, accent etc, can't seem to understand that the solution to a problem is not always to throw money at it, seeems without any empathy or understanding for those who have less than him, and will actively refuse to do things or go places that might be populated by "chavs" who, according to his warped view of the world will inevitably cause trouble and be unpleasant.

Because I always pull him up on these types of comments and ideas we are in almost constant conflict and on many occaisions I have pointed out that this family is not "all that" and it is only through luck that we are in this position. We have half seriously threatened to take him out of his Public School and send him to our local State school just to make him realise that he world is not populated by some kind of alien race as he seems to think.

One day he will come down to earth with a bump - it can't come soon enough. But in the meantime any suggestions for practical things we can do now to stop the rot?

Do the school do any charity fundraising, ie sleeping rough for the night to raise cash for the homeless.

I know some seriously rich young people and one even donated all of her earnings to a chosen charity. She wanted the job to gain experience, but didn't need the money.

But Home, you've come from there, he hasn't. you're mindful of where you've left, but you've taken the decision to leave there so it's as alien to your DS as talking about starving people in another country.

If you want him to understand that not everyone's dad wears a suit and commutes into the City every day and that not everyone can achieve anything so long as they work hard (this is also very important to teach him, unless you want him to think that people who are poor are poor because they are too lazy/messed about at school too much to achieve what you have), then he needs to get to know people his own age from other economic groups, the sports clubs is the best option for that.

There's no point saying he'll meet different people at uni, because in some ways he won't - he'll meet equally successful and ambitious people with supportive parents, who might have come from poorer backgrounds - but they'll have reinforced that poverty is something that can be 'escaped' if you work hard.

Voluntary work.
Send him out to earn us own money.
local church groups he can help out at.

I wish he were sporty as I agree this is the best way to get our if his current social group- alas that boat sailed years ago... He has never been remotely interested!!

*out of

Don't mind- yes he does have this view about working hard. It's tricky to ex

....damn iPhone

Difficult to get over the repercussions if lack of opportunity, social and familial as well as economic reasons why some people will never get on. He would be better of in the USA as he buys into the work hard and you can be anyone schtick of the American Dream!

you sound like a lovely and thoughtful person, but honestly, what did you think would happen sending him to a 'pukka' public school when it is not really his background? He has to try even harder to fit in! The biggest snobs I have known have been just this type.
And some of the things I heard from people who had been at 'posh' boarding schools would make your toes curl........

I"I don't think charity fundraising or poverty tourism will achieve what you want.
He is a product if his upbringing as we all are for better or for worse. I would try to instil good manners and a respect for people because they are people.

I think if you and your husband demonstrate this - a respectful attitude to people from all walks, and insist on it from your children then at least they will be privileged but polite and respectful.

I fon't think you can do anything more than that given that he has grown up with such a narrow social experience.

I remember the girl next door saying to my children, "If you don't go to private school you'll never get a decent job." She did wonder why none of them wanted to play with her after that. It was very satisfying when my children got better A levels .

The other thing is to challenge his attitude, not on the grounds that it is snobby and insensitive, but that it is thick and childish. Because it is.

In my experience teenagers don't mind thinking they are insensitive - that has overtones of cutting edge and controversial. Thick and boorish is less cool

"Are you trying to say that because of our lifestyle his attitudes are therefore acceptable?"

No, I'm saying that actions speak louder than words.

Do you socialise with anyone from other economic backgrounds still or are you very much in the posh bubble too? Does he get to see anyone from a 'poorer' background socially?

Ditto what bigbluebus posted on Sun 02-Sep-12 14:18:07.

DS was given the books "Chavs" for his 13th birthday. I think the OP's son should read it.

just tell him you will send him to Bash Street Comp

any teen from any walk of life will listen to 90% of what his peers say and 10% of what his parents say.

His friends are rich in money and this is is yard stick as he needs to fit in.

His parents spout drivel about him being a bigot but really what do parents know - they no nothing.

Your own life is motivated by money you are please he is motivated by money.

Why not let him know if it is so easy to get a job then he can - when he is 18 there is no need to go to uni and he can show you both how it is all done Or of course he can sort out his own uni life and you will give him the minimum top up as after all he can work as it is easy to get a job and do uni.

Some people get on perfectly fine in the world with his attitude, falling into education and jobs that do not demand being able to get on with all-comers, so there's nothing to say that he needs to change is there? Other than right now he embarrasses and challenges you?

Meanwhile, as others have said, fear is surely playing a large part here, I'm sure he realises - when he sees less well off members of your extended family and you constantly remind that your money is new money - that what he has is not a given and it is probably pretty scary to think it could all be taken away and he could be left leading a life that looks pretty hard from the outside, or indeed even dangerous (although of course, if he was in it, he would find it was navigable and not of great hardship/danger, full of "chavs" running around with knives). So probably important to him to tell himself that if he works really hard, he will be OK, he can sustain all that he knows.

Chavs sounds like a good book to help him think, I'd also get him some books on asset bubbles, and maybe Michael Lewis's most recent books, because, forgive me if I have read it wrong but it sounds like a lot of your wealth came from being able to buy/inherit property at opportune moments in the property cycles - and this will help him understand that a large part of your wealth comes from being in the right place at the right time, more luck than judgement, so that working hard of course keeps the wolf from the door but it may not ever be enough if one does not get into the right asset cycle at the right time.

You also have to remember that a teenage boy is far more likely to be randomly picked on, mugged, beaten up by someone who doesn't like the look or sound of him than any other age group. His fear of " chavs" may be justified in some limited situations.

My extremely rich friend was taken to many countries where the poor are REALLY poor and she was also made to help out at various local charities. She turned out fine.

She's a Mother herself now and very socially minded.

wigglybeezer makes a good point

Yes we do socialise with all sorts of people but if I'm honest they also have been lucky (and yes right time right place rings true but also a hell of a lot of hard work which in DS's case continues) and so enjoy the same outward trappings but similar core values.

We chose the school due to proximity to home, record for pastoral care and the wide range of activities for the non sporting type. It just happens also to be pukka. His year is particularly stinking rich heavy which is just one of those things I'm afraid. The school has massive focus on charity and service etc which I think bodes well.

And again I don't feel that the number of holidays is relevant to developIng a respectful and non judgmental attitude to others

Ivykaty no we are not motivated by money- we happen to have money by dint of doing the jobs we qualified to do and external factors such as property and inheritance. I am not pleased at all that D'S has this motivation- I mentioned it as a fact not a boast!

don't worry too much,he will be OK in the end...
really what wigglybeezer said...we live in strange times...

Second recommendation of 'Chavs' - a bit simplistic, but v engaging. Also 'Estates' by Lynley Hanley.

& definitely a McJob as soon as is practical.

It's just 14 year old posturing; they retreat behind their fixed boundaries because their little heads are all over the place. Doesn't mean it doesn't need correcting, but not to worry unduly.

OK - I have read most of this. Still a bit non-plussed to be honest. We I suspect are not dissimilar, except our dc are a bit older. DS is at one of the best London Day Schools, DD somewhere a little gentler and leafier. But, we are in London so live in a much more diverse environment. The DC go to school with some who are poorer and some who are richer. I have heard ds and his chums have a snigger about the very rich but not the other way round. We do tell the children they are privileged but I don't think they or us are "painfully aware of the privileged bubble we live in".

What strikes me most, especially when you mention your ds isn't sporty and that you have made him aware of how lucky he is to be so privileged, is that your ds possibly feels inadequate and not as good as some of his peers and is overcompensating for this. Boys public schools, especially high achieving ones, are tough and the less alpha boys often have their self esteem bruised.

Also, 14 year olds can be vile and either others might have found his sensitive spots or he might just have found the right buttons to push to wind you up. Providing there are no genuine problems with his self esteem, I'd be minded to ignore him or start taking the mick a bit. Get him a Burberry cap for his birthday.

If there are probs with his self-esteem his present school might not be right for him and there would be no disgrace in changing schools for 6th form - perhaps to a more gentle independent. Don't know where you are but they do exist.