Bed time 16 year old (boring, sorry)

[Fiendishlie]

My DS turns 16 in September and starts year 11 at school. What time should I be sending him off to bed (given that he can read in bed if he wishes as I have never needed to enforce a 'lights out' policy).
I think I may have been sending him off too early and with him hitting 16 I have suddenly noticed he's a very big boy now

ds (15) has to go upstairs at 10, lights out at 10:30, phone left downstairs, internet off (v irritating that one as it means I can't watch stuff on iplayer in bed which was one of my 'treats' when dh away ... grr)

I'd like him to go up a bit earlier as he's often tired at school, but any earlier means such enormous rows that the younger two are disturbed and he doesn't stop huffing and puffing about it until later than then anyway ....

It's a tricky one. On school nights I'm in bed by 10ish 'cos I have to be up early for work - and 2 of my teens have to be out the house for 7:15 to get school buses.

I'm very selfish and I like some teen/child free time before I go to bed, so I send 'em up at about half nineish. They can read/do homework/interweb etc, in general they are all conked out by 10. I have the TV off downstairs and sit in a stunned silence, rocking in a corner...

Weekends/holidays it's 11ish at the latest.

My 14 year old has to get up early so she takes herself off about 9 and I usually send the 15 (nearly 16) year old off shortly after that.

Thanks, all. Maybe 9:30 isn't too early after all.

We sent our then 4 yo to bed at 7, each birthday they got an extra 15 mins, so at 8 yo it was 8.00, at 12 bed time was 9. At 16 bed time will be 10. At 20 yo they can stay up till 11!

Can I step out of line and say that by 16 surely he should be deciding his own bedtime, depending on how much sleep he needs and what time he needs to get up in the morning?

9:30 at 16?!!!

At 16 he should certainly be deciding his own bedtime.

He is nearly an adult, you need to let him have responsibility for such basic things else he won't have a clue!!!

What exexpat says. Seems odd to be dictating bedtimes to an almost adult person

I have 15 and 17 year old dds. On school nights, they have to be in bed by ten and lights off by 10.30 at the latest. In the holidays and on Fridays and Saturdays, whenever they want but usually by 11-11.30ish.

15 year old normally goes to bed at 11ish week days and gets up at 6.30.

He has rugby training most nights so doesn't get in until 9.30/10 ish and then he watches some tv and eats something before he goes to bed.

I trust him to go to sleep at a reasonable time and so far he hasn't broken that trust - he rarely moans in the morning and doesn't get particularly tired.

Shit I'm lucky to see the back of either of my two (11and 14) before 10-10.30.
DD2 tends to read for no more than 30 min and often crashes out straight away.
DD1 will read to midnight and beyond.
She will also vanish to bed early if she is tired. Always has from being very young.

Can't conceive of a 16y who takes any notice of being told lights out.

My 16 yr (just finished Yr11) needs less sleep than I do, always has. No point in me trying to inflict a bedtime which I would then have to stay up to patrol - to my mind it's part of the transition towards adulthood - he decides, but knows if he takes the mick, then laptop / internet goes. He has to decide.

Oh, he's not even in at 9.30 on 3 nights a week..... that does seem a bit extreme.

I don't care when she goes to sleep, just don't always want her talking at me! I like a bit of peace before I go to bed, so she can go in her room, use her computer, read, whatever.

Shocked that you are giving a 16 year old a bedtime. My eldest 2 are the same age and I haven't given them bed times for a good few years.

What's the worst that can happen? They're tired, well then they go to bed earlier the next night. Within a year he can drive but not choose his own bed time? Its part of growing up.

Well, I am surprised at the latest posts. He's in school. Just finished year 10. I go to bed around 11 and would like a tiny bit of child-free time so it doesn't seem unreasonable that he still has a bedtime. No 'lights-out' as I said, just an 'off you go' sort of thing.
After all, we set good examples to our children, even ones that are nearly 16.
Weekends he does as he pleases, as he gets up early for shooting club on Sundays he goes to bed at 11ish.

That's more about your needs than his, then isn't it?

At 16, he really does need to learn to be responsible for himself. You are standing in the way of this IMO.

Sorry that much sounds harsher than I meant it to!

Trying to be helpful by offering another perspective, not antagonise you, sorry if I have!

My experience of boarding schools tells me that most yr11 'lights out' times are around 10.30-10.45

That seems sensible to me. While one child at home obviously needs a different set up/has more flexibility than a boarder, around that sort of time sounds sensible.

Hilarious. At 16 he can get married and have a baby, do you really think its appropriate for him to have a bedtime?

I have a dd 14 and 16 ds year old (15 and 17 next month) and neither has a bed time and haven't had a bedtime for years, there is no way i would expect either of them to be in bed by 9.30.
DD in particular is very good at self regulating and even gets the earlier train in the morning to school.
DS has a job and sometimes doesn't finish until 11 or 1 in the morning, but not allowed to do the 1am on a school night. He usually only does one shift a week during school time.
He also goes to scouts where he doesn't get home until 10.30.

You also have to take into account that the release of melatonin in teens gets later and later and they will just not feel tired

He can only get married with permission.

And yes while someone is still in full time education I do think it is appropriate.

16 year olds do not magically stop needing parenting. It's not as though the OP is advocating story time and tucking him in. Just age appropriate boundaries.

But at 16 they need a very gentle guide in the right direction, not being sent to bed a 9.30

"16 year olds do not magically stop needing parenting"

No one is saying that.

What we're saying is that parenting a 16 year old should be more about giving them some independence rather than making such basic decisions for them.

Parenting a 16 year old should be at least in part about preparing them for the adult world. Babying them isn't doing them any favours.

Ds who is just turning 16 tends to go to bed at the same time as us which is in the weekday around 11/11.30. At weekends and holidays I'm not really fussed what time he goes to bed as long as he gets up at a reasonable time.
Of course if we are doing something specific the following day we guide him and say ' Don't forget, you have to be up by ...........am'

More often than not he sorts himself out and will pop into the living room and say he is off to bed.