My 14 Old Daughter Says She Wants to be a Boy

[Somebiscuits]

I have a dilemma. My daughter has expressed her dissatisfaction with many aspects of femininity before - periods for instance and the fact that women do not have true equality with men- and I have been very sympathetic. She doesn't like having breasts and quickly went from wearing ordinary bras to wearing sports bras. That was okay too.I suppose I was waiting for her to accept that she was growing up and mature a little bit.

However, recently she has announced that she has body dysmorphia and wants to be a male. She has asked to see a counsellor and last night asked me to buy bindings so she can flatten her breasts completely. I refused because I believe this could permanently damage her - she's still growing after all. She flew off the handle and now I don't know what to do.

The thing is I am pretty liberal and accepting and I would accept this more if she had a history of dressing or acting like a boy. She hasn't and has an interest in girls things like make up, hair and clothes. She is not gay. Her dislike of being female seems more to do with the physical and social aspects than a deep feeling that she was born in the wrong gender.

All this has left me very confused. I'm loathe to start her on counselling for fear she'll end up going down a particular path which I am not at all convinced is the right one. On the other hand I want to support her and the best I can for her while she finds out about herself. What should I do?

My two previous posts (concerning a private forum in which I asked those interested to message me) were deleted. I have read the talk guidelines and still do not understand why they were deleted. The forum would provide a private place to talk and would not involve any monetary gain. Why is this a problem? Is there a way to gather people privately to talk that does conform to the Talk Guidelines?

Just checking in & catching up, I too would be interested in some answers from Reuben. :)

I signed up just to tell you, I think this is normal :) I might be wrong... But I am actually 13.. And feel the same thing... I would love to be a boy, as you have an experience BEING a mum, how or would you of expected your daughter to say she wanted to be a boy... And good luck with your daughter, best wishes

To: Somebiscui
I'm so glad to find this! I haven't had a chance to read all the comments, but this is exactly what I'm going through right now with my 14 year old. Exactly the same, exactly. I have been completely ___ (whatever the right word is here). Will you please let me know how your daughter's doing now? (Nov 2015) Also, do you know if she likes or prefers girls?

I also have a 12 year daughter that is going through the same. It has been going on for almost a year now. She is Very level headed and it's been just us for most of her life. I got married this past year and my husband is in the process of adopting her. Their relationship is good and solid. I finally told him of my concerns with her recently and he took it better than me. I was a bit apprehensive but proved to be unfounded. It started when my daughter made a friend and her friend (at 11) said she was bi-sexual. They were best friends and my daughter developed a crush on her. No biggie. I remember myself being a tomboy and thinking and feeling the same way. It didn't last long and then I was boy crazy. So, naturally when she told me I related to her and kind of let it go. It's a phase, right!? Another thing with that Friend is that they became online crusaders for the bi, gay, transgender etc. And started solidifying their beliefs. The other girl was also a Wiccan. Did not believe in God. My daughter turned away as well. I know that if I make a Big huge ordeal out of these things it might give it more staying power thanot what it should. I am open minded and understand the implications of how I respond to her. I want her to continue to talk to me.

Anyways, for a few months now her and that Friend have not been talking or hanging out anymore and my daughter wanted her hair cut short so I made a deal regarding her grades (was a struggle last year) and she has maintained an A/B average so she can keep it short.

The friends she is making at school now are kind of the outcasts. Good kids, just not the mainstream popular ones that he had in elementary. They feed off of and encourage each other. Which is good.

She has asked me about chest binding and brings up more often what I think about her wanting to be a boy, like seriously wanting to be a boy. I told her with the binding that it could hurt her physically as she is still growing and about being a boy, we'll it could be just a phase and to give it time. I tell her that I love her no matter what but she is starting to shut down. I also, just last night when she asked me again told her that she was supposed to be a girl because their are no accidents in life. I wish she wouldn't dwell on it so much because she gives it more fuel and legitimacy when she does. Her friends too. I don't want to alienate her but am growing more concerned that she can't really know yet and the energy she's giving it makes it more than what it is. At the same time I want to validate her feelings while not shrugging it off. How do I respond without hurting her or making it more of what it should be? If she is older and decides that is definitely what she wants then I will support her. For now I can't comprehend that this wouldn't be phase. She is convinced. I'm not.

Gender dysphoria in childhood is commonly the result of abuse(1,2), bad parenting(3), or an otherwise bad environment in conjunction with the normal "gender variance" observed in homosexuals(4). They develop a wide range of serious psychiatric problems some preceding gender dysphoria and some as a result of gender dysphoria(5,6). The good news is that with proper counseling the vast majority of children with gender dysphoria will overcome it, accept themselves and their body for who they are, and usually end up being just homosexual or bisexual(7).
There is another population of largely heterosexual male to female transgender people who were not abnormally feminine in childhood and developed it later in life. These are called autogynephiles and have a different condition entirely that is a variant of transvestic fetishism. This is the main reason why there are so many more males with gender dysphoria than females(8,9,10).
The "sexual reassignment" methods of treatment used in many clinics have not been shown to be clinically effective(11,12) and long term outcomes of these patients have been poor(13) with suicide(14), homelessness(15), serious drug addiction(16), and crime(17,18) being much more common. . Additionally this treatment is physically harmful and can cause serious health problems besides just the obvious sterilization and mood swings(19,20).

Encouraging someone in the belief that their body is bad,that they are not their true self without changing something or that the clothes they wear are part of their basic identity is not a good idea in most cases. While it can be difficult due to defense mechanisms like narcissistic rage(21) especially in the autogynephilic transgender population(22), encouraging the belief that it is ok to be both feminine and male at the same time is the better strategy.

1. www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21833007
2. www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/J056v06n03_04
3. www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/2016237?
4. www.drdoughaldeman.com/doc/GenderAtypicalYouth.pdf
5. ajp.psychiatryonline.org/doi/abs/10.1176/appi.ajp.160.7.1332
6. www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0022399904005951
7. www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/25231780
8. www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17951885
9. www.annelawrence.com/autogynephilia,_a_paraphilic_model_of_GID.pdf

10. www.ifge.org/?q=DSM-5/302.3_Transvestic_Fetishism 11. www.theguardian.com/society/2004/jul/30/health.mentalhealth 12. www.wsj.com/articles/paul-mchugh-transgender-surgery-isnt-the-solution-1402615120 13. journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0016885 14. williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/research/suicide-attempts-among-transgender-and-gender-non-conforming-adults/ 15. www.nhchc.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/in-focus_transgender_sep2014_final.pdf 16. www.asianjournalofpsychiatry.com/article/S1876-2018%2814%2900192-0/abstract?cc=y= 17. www.jaapl.org/content/16/2/153.full.pdf 18. www.jaapl.org/content/41/4/551.full 19. brazjurol.com.br/january_february_2012/Rossi_97_107.htm 20. press.endocrine.org/doi/full/10.1210/jc.2002-021967? 21. www.iiav.nl/ezines/web/ijt/97-03/numbers/symposion/ijtc0103.htm 22. link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs10508-008-9325-1

My daughter is still persisting in this area. When especially anxious she comes up with even more disorders and reads online, i.e., borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, etc.
The therapist she sees has admitted to having a hard time getting her to see any other perspectives. One thing I find disappointing is that she now seems to see the Gender Identity Disorder as the primary condition, not the high functioning autism and anxiety. As I have said more times than I can count, I do believe my child suffers from gender dysphoria as a result of not coping well with the changes that have come with puberty and has had a terrible time with transitions and milestones in general.
I am thinking of discontinuing the therapy as I feel while this therapist is good, and would be great for a person who desires to learn coping skills, my child is not one of them. She has an excuse for rigidly adhering to dysfunctional thoughts on everything from gender to social anxiety. And what she wants to be, a new gender of her own making is not something most people can understand, especially since she continues to present like a stereotypical girl.

I am just very tired. We are doing our best to be neutral with our language and call her what she wants and I am actually thinking it may be better to just continue with the medication to try to keep her brain chemistry as even as possible and quit the therapy because she just continues to stay stuck ans emotionally immature and does not even seem to want to make any changes, she just expects total accommodation.

Sorry for the poor punctuation, disconnected thoughts and rambling. I guess my point is that I feel everyone has done all they can to support her as much as possible and she needs to take responsibility for her perspectives and unwillingness to adopt some more flexible thinking. She knows we love her and not abandon her and maybe this just needs to play out on its own and on its own timeline. I see it more than "just a phase" but as her mother and someone who has been with her since day 1, I also know her well enough to know she's done everything in life in her own time and way and generally it all works out when she has finally decided on her own it is no longer an issue, or at least one that does not bother her enough to dwell on.

I am in the same situation. I swear it's from the internet and all this media about transgenderism. Mine refuses to look like a girl and chopped off her hair short like a boy. It is so painful to go through this.

Alexa, it really sucks to see your kid through something that doesn't seem quite real and yet you are powerless to fix it. Hang in there and try to take it one day at a time, even one moment at a time. I try to remind myself that no matter how it affects me, my child is confused and in pain and that is why she is drawn to this and desperately trying to figure out where she fits into the world.

I can completely relate to these posts. my daughter has found it tough being one of the first in her class to start going through puberty, and the kids were cruel. She always likes the drama of having a crisis so when she announced at age 12 she was really a boy (despite never showing any hints of male behaviour/likes/dislikes or even liking to hang out with boys) I took it as a wait and see moment as a parent.
But unlike most things she relates to, there is such a huge presence online of people and professionals who will not even entertain the idea of it being a phase and are quick to offer advice such as use of binders, hormone blockers, gender clinics etc, She's 12!!! And wants to cut off her breasts!! Why are people not asking why? Or advising kids to take it slowly, accept their feelings and find other ways to love themselves. Trans or not trans they need to learn to love themselves for who they are. (Disclaimer: I'm fully aware that some children are painfully aware that they are trans from an early age, I have read many of these blogs/posts and for them, receiving medical help is absolutely a life saver)
I feel totally undermined as a parent, I'm want to support her while she finds out more about who she is, but I won't let her rush this regardless of outcome. she is totally obsessed by it! Intermittently (usually after a breakup with an online friend) she gets very distressed about it. How do I get her to calm down, slow down and chill out! Is Tavistock really the answer? She seems to think so. How do I voice my concerns without undermining her own present sense of self, and send her running to the online community. . if I run with this 100% will she feel she can't turn back, or will it give it greater validity?
I love her and really do think she's awesome, I'm proud she questioning gender roles and thinking about who she is. But as every adult knows, the way we see ourselves age 12 is very different from we see ourselves age 20/ 30/ 40. So why are they letting children make such important choices?

Jbwell4-sorry you've had to join this club. I think most of us here feel exactly as you dowe do not deny in rare cases this is the right path for some individuals since they've been grappling with this from as far back as they can remember, but it feels entirely wrong in our experience raising these girls.

I wish I had better advice than to just take it one day at a time. Some days will be worse, some better. There is nothing you will be able to do to talk her out of it but that still does not mean she'll always be this way. Maybe try to find a counselor for yourself and another one for your daughter but make sure they are aware of this being a trend that has caught fire among many confused adolescents and willing to take things slowly before jumping to conclusions. And be aware this is going to change day to day. My daughter (15 almost 16) is obsessed but the only thing that makes her appear different from your average girl is her insistence on a shortened, more neutral version of her given name and her insistence on gender neutral pronouns.

Good luck to you and reach out to people for support. You need it as much as she does.

This thread has helped so much. NikkiH38 and Bobbymac - how are things now? your original posts were quite some time ago.

My 10yo DD told me yesterday that she wants to be a boy. She has always been a total tomboy, and has worn boys clothes for about five years. We've always put it down to her feeling more comfortable in loose clothing - it would appear that isn't the case. We're just starting out on this journey, and I'm really interested to hear from others that are further down the road.

Thank you, it's so good to finally find parents who understand. Jbro123- One day at a time. Such simple but good advice. It has helped us all so much.
We did have a great counsellor for my daughter, but she refused to go back once she realised they could not prescribe her blockers. She's now pushing for a referral to Tavistock. I've found a counsellor through work for me and it's really helped just having someone to babble on to. I was amazed at just how much was inside me! Im feeling calmer about the uncertainty of the future and accept that I can only do so much, the rest is my daughters journey. Most of the time family life is pretty normal. I'm there for her good or bad, Lots of cuddles, empathy and fist bumps for those yay moments! I still have my aaarrgh moments, and so does she/he/they/small person, but we're doing okay.
Please keep posting, I'd love to hear how everyone is doing.

My little girl is 7 and has wanted to dress like a boy play with boys toys and has said she wants to be a boy she has been I doing this since she was 5 I thought at first it was a stage she was going throw and I wasn't sure wot to do but I let her do it the point now where I buy her boys clothes and toys she will not girls clothes or play with anything girly I don't care wot other ppl think because she is happy but I do worry about her future we do get some ppl who look at her dressed in boys clothes wen out think it maybe because she has long blonde hair and looks very girly I have spoken to a doctor about it and they aid to go with it and see how she is wen she's 9 or 10

Hi, I'd like to join this club please! I am feeling a lot like all of you especially chimed with what JB said. My dd is 14 but sounds about the same. I worry about all the stuff she's getting from the internet but she thinks it helps her because those people understand her better. And how am I supposed to say "they/them" about her? "MiniZaza wants their dinner early"? I just can't do bad grammar! We talk about it a bit but she's a very closed person so only opens up rarely. I never judge her and try to just reassure that I'll love her whatever she turns out to be, but on bad days she always shuts herself away with her online buddies.

Hi everyone! I was on this site looking for advice on how to help my brothers, but came across this thread and thought I would offer this insight for you all.

I'm 19/F and I had a very confusing/difficult puberty and early teenage years. When I was 12 my parents began a difficult divorce, which was very hard for me to understand or accept at the time. I was under going puberty at this point too. I had always been a bit of a tomboy, didn't like dolls ect. But when my body began changing I started feeling 'confused' about who I really was. When my boobs started growing I would wish they'd go away, because I felt like I didn't want to be a woman. I tried to strap them down myself, and I used to let myself get smelly because I was so afraid of my own body that I didn't want to get naked and go in the shower ect.

My mother couldn't understand, but I wouldn't budge. My friends were all wearing make up, wearing bra's. Eventually I found my middle ground in sports bra's - which I still wear daily :) To keep this short, I went through a period where I had to find out who I was. And I thought for a year or two - that I was transgender. And as you all might empathise, a lot of these transgender internet blogs and youtube videos encouraged me to this quick and incorrect conclusion.

There was no one to tell me that it was okay if I didn't like having boobs very much, and that wearing a sports bra was just as good. That wanting to wear mens clothes and underwear didn't mean I wanted to be a boy, it just meant that's what I wanted or preferred for myself. Because of this I started developing depression, and cut my waist length hair to a boys length when I was 15 (I raised money for charity in the progress, and donated it for cancer wigs too).

Eventually I found my way though, and I thought some of you might find encouragement in my story. Whilst some of your children may be genuinely transgender, I also feel some of them might also be feeling this confusion in finding who they are. Gender fluidity isn't something that's discussed very much. Having support and understanding is an invaluable gift at this time, you're all such wonderful parents!!!

: small extra : For parents concerned about daughters who want to wear male underwear or clothes, it hasn't affected my happiness or ability to make friends whatsoever. I get complimented for my hair a lot by people :) I have a great partner who accepts me for who I want to be, and I am currently training to be a technician for a well known company.

Thank you for reading, I hope this was useful to you all!

Kion129

Very helpfu, thank you! I think you touched upon the most important part for us parents: the focus on empathy and patience which is simple but not easy. Like you said, no matter what, you would not budge. For many of us here, we have have tried to provide heather perspectives, lots of support, love, etc and they still will not budge and then we lose patience, show our frustration and exacerbate an already difficult situation.

Thank you for the reminder that it is a process and the best we can do is let our kids figure it out on their own, no matter how difficult to watch, and stop trying to "fix it".

Best of luck to you and thanks for your wisdom. You Are a beautiful person!

Kion, thankyou so much for your post. The most important thing to me is the hope that my dd will one day be happy with herself. I don't care what she wears or who she's attracted to, I just want her HAPPY, and ideally to get more support from real life people and less from the internet!
It's lovely to hear you got through those difficult years, and if you have any further words of wisdom I'd be glad to hear them.

Kino you sound extremely similar to me in a lot of ways. We're about the same age too.

Nice to know that I'm not the only one, maybe we should start some kind of club :p

Hi all, wow I have just been reading through a load of your posts and I am already feeling better knowing we are not alone. My 14yr old has for the last 6 months been saying that she wants to be a boy. It started off as she just wanted to look like a boy - had all her long hair cut short, wears trousers and jeans etc. She has never in her life wanted to wear make up and still doesn't but as a small child never gave me any reason to think that she was unhappy being a girl. However it seems that puberty has changed everything. She now says she doesn't want to physically be a boy/man, yet, but she probably will when she is older. Funnily enough throughout the last 6 months I have supported her the best I can and she knows we love her unconditionally. What I am really struggling with though is all the different labels she keeps putting on herself and also the fact that she has today (without my knowledge) asked the school to change her name on the register to a boys name. I have spoken to her about the possible taunts and bullying she may face but she is a very strong willed girl and says she can handle it. I have been thinking of going down the counselling route but I don't know if I would be 'playing it up'. Funny how much the thought of calling her by a different name has upset me. I have read alot about the tavistock on this thread. Do you have to go through camhs to get referred there? I really don't know whether to just leave well alone or talk to someone professionally. I debated seeing my gp - she has always been a very 'hairy'girl and I do wonder if she has an excess of male hormone in her body? Do you think this could be influencing her feelings? Gosh I am sorry to have prattled on - our relationship is really good and she is a very strong girl - we can talk about this and be ok - I just don't know if I should be doing anything so any advice would be really really appreciated x

SomeBiscuits- I felt like your message about your 14 year old daughter was coming from me- my daugthter is going through the same thing. It was as if she woke up one day and decided she would rather be a boy. All her life she has been very girlie- I am more of a tomboy than she is. She loves make up and painting her fingernails. But now she wants to be a boy and her hair is cut short but she still wears pinks and shaves her legs. I am just so confused because we have had no preparation for this. We are accepting and respecting her feelings and I am really trying to use male pronouns. I have a counselor appt set up for her as well. If you have any advice I would so appreciate it. Sims