My 14 Old Daughter Says She Wants to be a Boy

[Somebiscuits]

I have a dilemma. My daughter has expressed her dissatisfaction with many aspects of femininity before - periods for instance and the fact that women do not have true equality with men- and I have been very sympathetic. She doesn't like having breasts and quickly went from wearing ordinary bras to wearing sports bras. That was okay too.I suppose I was waiting for her to accept that she was growing up and mature a little bit.

However, recently she has announced that she has body dysmorphia and wants to be a male. She has asked to see a counsellor and last night asked me to buy bindings so she can flatten her breasts completely. I refused because I believe this could permanently damage her - she's still growing after all. She flew off the handle and now I don't know what to do.

The thing is I am pretty liberal and accepting and I would accept this more if she had a history of dressing or acting like a boy. She hasn't and has an interest in girls things like make up, hair and clothes. She is not gay. Her dislike of being female seems more to do with the physical and social aspects than a deep feeling that she was born in the wrong gender.

All this has left me very confused. I'm loathe to start her on counselling for fear she'll end up going down a particular path which I am not at all convinced is the right one. On the other hand I want to support her and the best I can for her while she finds out about herself. What should I do?

I am so glad I found this. I’m not quite ready to talk yet but reading everyone’s story on this thread is like reading my own. I am so thankful for these open and honest words you have all put down. My daughter is 14 and I am not coping well at all. I will be back when I feel I can talk about what has happened but again... thank you for posting and sharing. I feel not so alone now.

Does anyone care to share updates? Navigating the same situation in the U.S. Trying to make all the right moves so my daughter knows she's loved and supported. Trying to offer the right guidance. Many thanks.

Mummy - I am in the same boat with my middle child. I'm on a helpful forum - pm me if you'd like details.

Hi Somebiscuits
I feel compelled to tell you my story let me tell you HOLD YOUR GROUND! Don't listen to anyone tell how you should give in. My Daughter A.K.A Gabe (actually Lilia who is 16 now and still a female) started down the path of wanting to be a boy when she was 11. She the same year in school started singing in chorus. (I'll finish this bit In a moment) she also would not order her own food ( I mean would NOT talk to strangers at ALL) she was afraid to use public rest rooms because of germs. She was afraid to go out side and play in parks, or even the sprinkler on my front lawn because she was told someone would come and get her (this is a topic for another time but right now ties in to the whole situation we are talking about). She was living in a upper class community and there were around 12 other kids in her class doing the same thing. I know this because I was in touch with her guidance counselor at the time told me "of all the 12 kids who claim to want to be the opposite sex Lilia is the only one who seems genuine". So Lilia would see the school counselor, for help. I did not know this at the time and did not know of any of what was going through her brain.
So my daughter went to a Dr.'s appoint were she apparently told the Dr. she was angry all the time depressed, and having anxiety. I grew up with a friend who still takes Lithium for his panic disorder so I recognize anxiety or panic when I see it. My daughter did not have this but she obviously was going through something. I got her into seeing a counselor on a weekly basis and after about a year I (I would sit in on a few meetings and give incite or just listen) When I would ask my daughter why she wanted to be a boy she would say "I just know I do" it feels right" and I would say, " well how do you know it's right, you haven't been a girl long enough, can't we slow down and wait till your 18?" I would say lets wait till your 18 and if you still want to be a boy you have my full support." by this time Lilia was talking about injections and pills that of course she heard about on YouTube. They even told her how to manipulate people into listening to her. and try she did. My other argument with her was your going through puberty of course you don't like your body your chest, I would tell her " I grew up with girls all through high school that would constantly say" I look FAT," " my face is ugly", my thighs look huge today " I would also say your to, to, young to make such a life changing decision. I would tell her I let you get injections, and let you take hormones who so say in two years you wake up one day and say I made a mistake and then you start talking about suicide (which by the way 40% of these kids contemplate it Fact look it up) . I was reading all kinds of stories on the internet all pushing me to give in I even read and heard for her high school faculty and her second therapist that If I don't accept it then I'm not supporting her and let me tell you all this did was empower her. She started pushing the injections and hormones weekly. SO I changed therapist to one I was hoping (this will be the second one now) and she was encouraging me to put my self in Lilia's shoes, oh sorry Gabe she was all about letting her choose a different name it made me so angry I let it go though for my daughter but I still held my ground. The new therapist pushed books on me, and even told me to go to a meeting being held at the local hospital by a leader of a LGBTQ ORG. I did go (the Phycologist did not) and at this meeting I heard the most disturbing then and empowered me to NOT listen to anyone and hold my ground. One of the Phycologist's asked anyone in the room how she should handle her clients issue. the Issue was a five year boy who ask this women (Phycologist) who do I call Daddy? The LGBQ person asked why did he ask this and she replied because his father just trans to a woman and he doesn't understand what happened to his father. No one in the room answered and for Literally a good three minutes no one said anything to that. My feeling was they knew how wrong it really was sorry I'll say it.
Back to the beginning I went to one of my daughters concerts when she was 11 she wore her hair down in front of her face to hide herself. she was on stage singing in the first row hiding. And she was not singing either, or moving with the other kids to snap their fingers and move their arms. she gave up art to do this which she loves. But let me tell you it was the most painful thing to watch my daughter not allow herself to have fun, or allow herself to be her.
I did get one good thing from the phycologist she did tell me that Lilia probably choose chorus because she was so afraid to fail in art she did not want to do it.
I got custody of my daughter in 2016. she went to high school as Gabe because the principal told her she can do this if she chooses. I said no at first but feeling guilty I allowed it and then she pushed it on me. I would not call her Gabe, I would tell her "I am not convinced that she wants to be a boy, and it does not mean I don't support you." I got her boy clothes and all that. well long story short my daughter shortly after her 15th birthday found a boy friend. yea go figure. Well that changed her mind ( I would tell her she was still growing and that this may actually happen, she would "no eeeww!"
My daughter was told going through the most troubling time mostly for girls but boys to that you should change your name and became a boy. Wow what an exciting thing to become the opposite sex. I would ask her " what are you going to do if you change into a boy and find out you made a mistake?" she would say IT'S NOT A MISTAKE!" I would say as your parent I will not let you make that mistake and be able to live with it. I would ask her "If you came to me tomorrow and said dad drugs make me feel good so can you give me money to take them all the time?" I would then ask "what do you think I should do?' She would answer not give me the money. I would say correct because your not old enough or stupid enough to ask let alone do that to your self.
Hold your ground feel out the situation but as far as the clothes I would say now Don't even give into that my daughter told me a boy she liked when she was 11 asked her if she wanted to be a boy because he wanted to be a girl (his mother had him at 11 on estrogen) no kidding. So she has told me she did all of this because she liked him and did not want to disappoint him and then after she liked the attention she was getting from it.
There is way more to the story but it's just to much and it still sits uncomfortably for me and her she refuses to talk about it anymore.
I hope this helps and sorry for my grammar it's terrible.

Hi everyone,
I’m a mum of 3 daughters 14yrs, 11yrs & 5yrs.
My middle daughter from a very young age has always been a tom boy. But now she is saying that she doesn’t want to be a girl anymore, asking me to ask the school if she can wear the boys uniform, having her hair cut short & basically looking more like a boy. She loves acting and has played many boy parts which she has loved so much. I’ve been going with it, thinking I will just wait to see what happens. But now she’s asking to wear the boys uniform at school. I just need some advice really. I will support everything she wants to do, but at such a young age does she really know?
Advise would be greatly received! xx

Is there a hormone pill or something to make them stop wanting to be a different gender? Is there some trigger that causes this? My girl grew up happy being a girl, did girl things, but suffered trauma of bad marriage between her father and myself; I was a doting mother, and while he loved the kids, he eventually admitted he just was not a family man, and didn’t like them getting attention over him-became a gambling/porn/alcohol addicted mess, who cheated every chance he had. Was hardly there for the kids (yes, I was immature and did not choose wisely). I was a slowly boiled frog who just wanted father to be a father to his kids and stayed as long as I could until i couldn’t hide his anger and addictions from the kids anymore.
Did the trauma she suffered contribute to whatever trigger pulled her want to become a boy? She started becoming very unhappy with her looks, even though she is very beautiful. She even had crushes on boys. But at 16, this revelation of being gay knocked me over. I got over it, I love her no matter what, but when two years later she told me she feels like, wants to be a boy, I cried hysterically. It broke my heart, I didn’t understand, I still don’t. Did she hang out with the wrong people? She always became more friendly with outcast types, unattractive nerdy overweight, odd girls. She grew up being so sociable, friends with everyone, but I think she became so unhappy with her looks, it changed her...like, she is running away from who she is because she doesn’t like what she sees in the mirror, so she will be a boy instead.
I’m so frustrated and confused, and saddened. She’s too pretty to be a boy. She’s gained weight, chopped her hair off, dresses like a guy, and wants to be called Henry. WTF?
What did I do wrong? What mental snap happened in her head to cause this? I’m sorry, but it’s not a normal thing to happen, is it all the media hype? The constant barrage of images and articles on how great it is to be trans?
I used to support it, always told my kids to be accepting of everyone, always felt sorry and my heart went out for kids who genuinely were born in the wrong bodies, and from day one were someone else and displayed it growing up. But this happened in her early teen years, like, autism. Everything is fine, and then, BOOM, she wants to be a boy. This isn’t a phase, and now I’m a total hypocrite for being against it. Now, I actually feel hatred and disgust for trans people, I’m bitter towards this movement and no, therapy won’t work for me. My daughter is in therapy. Not to change her, but to help I guess. I will love her no matter what, and it’s my problem to deal with, not hers, but I will never be able to genuinely accept it, and I will never tell her my true feelings, because I don’t want to hurt her any more than my initial reactions already have. Why is it so difficult? Why isn’t there a hormone pill that will make her come back to who she is running away from, and just accept who she is, and make the most out of her life, work with what she has been given? Why do I see so many beautiful young ladies of all shapes and siz s butcher themselves, wear ugly, unflattering clothes, chop their hair off, and try to look like a boy? It isn’t a good look at all. Why do they do this? It has to be mental right?

Runs - I really feel your pain and bewilderment. There are many of us in your situation. Some day the world will look back and hang their heads in shame that our daughters were encouraged to self-harm in this way.

Hold her tight and tell her you love her no matter what, take a deep breath and prepare for the long haul.

I just found this thread. I know it hasn't been active in quite some time, but I wanted to say that it makes me feel a million times better knowing others have gone through what I am now experiencing with my 15 yo daughter. She told us when she was 13 that she thought she may be gay or bisexual. And she only told us that, because her dad found out she had a secret Instagram account where she was a member of various lgbtq pages. She is now 15 and I recently stumbled upon a note in her pocket (doing laundry) where she wrote what looks like it was meant to be a journal entry saying that she wanted to change her name and dress like a boy - she wants a binder (I had to Google this, lol) and she wants to have a boyish haircut. She has also asked her friends to use gender neutral pronouns. Initially, when she first told us about her questioning he sexuality, we warned her about telling kids at school onky becuase we were worried about how mean kids can be. It seems that girls can be your friend one day and then turn on you the next. High School is hard enough! Now that I'm finding out about about her wanting to change her gender, I feel like need to talk to her about this. I just don't know how to begin. I also think it would be good for her to see a counselor, but not sure where to start there either. I am hoping this is a phase of some kind, because she was a total girly girl until about 2 years ago (all baby dolls, barbies, pink, sequins, boy crushes and into make-up). But of course, I love her and just want her to be happy. Anyway, I was feeling very alone in this and it's good to see others who have been through it and survived.

hi im so glad Im not alone in this. I broke down sobbing yesterday. My beutiful tiny ultra feminine 14 year old girl has stated she wants to be a boy and has been unhappy and been thinking about it for years ?? Shes 5ft 2 tine size 4 waist and large 30D bust . Tiny hands and size 3 feet. You could not get more feminine if one wished hard . Shes what I would have loved to be at 14. She announced this few weeks ago, cut her hair short very short (she had long blonde hair) . Has bought a binder which she has been wearing during day when we go out. My daughter is super intellingent ( on a scholarship at a all girls private school0 and determined. I just could not take it anymore yesterday I feel sick with worry about her future. There is no way on earth Im taking her to doctors for hormones or to discuss this so young I feel it could do more damage. Can anyone help ? She thinks its easy 9according to the internet) to transition when shes older. She has her GCSEs next year and has been outstanding at school so far ..Im really scared this is going to damage her future. I try be supportive and understanding but Im failing badly ..I dont care if she gay, far from it . But shes not even said shes attracted to girls . Its not that she just feels she should be a boy and not happy in being an attarctive beutiful girl ...Im am so upset sorry. Thanks for any advise

I dont think this is hormones or lack of girl hormones, my girl has probably too much . shes so tiny and well developed as a girl . I think this could be ineternet and society encouraging girls . I am so angry and sad about it :(((

Look at Transgender Trend for some good resources. The GIDS Service at the Tavistock also has good information for parents. I think there is a support group called Bayswater Support. Give her a hug, tell her you love and support her, and take a deep breath - you are on a long journey.

Some day the wheel will fall off this juggernaut and people will wake up to the state-sponsored encouragement of self-harm in our vulnerable young people.

thank you ..I love her so much but even before she was born she has stressed me out or made me physically ill (in pregancy) shes so perfect in everyway physically and intellegent but boy is she such hard work . I hate this encouragement of assisting kids think they can change sex. I was a real tomboy young , i was one of the boys infact but I did not consider myself a boy or wish to become one phyiscally and now im very lady like and glad I didnt grow up at this time because maybe I would think I could be !! I will stay on this discussion and maybe a support group here will pop up ? thanks

Hi, I know this is a few years after your post, I am now going through the same with my 15 yr old. I wondered how things turned out for you . It’s so hard to know what to do for the best

Hi reading these posts are heartbreaking. My 15 yr old son says he wants to be known as a girl! This is not the first time he has mentioned it. Last year he expressed his dislike to his genital area. I haven’t said anything to his dad yet but will. I told him I’d make an appointment with the doctor, although this coronavirus is delaying me a bit. Any advice.

No advice sorry as I am going thru same with daughter. I have suggested seeking counselling once corona is over. Wish I had some answers. It seems a lot more common than I imagined, I’m curious to know what happened to the families who posted a few years ago.

I can update a bit. My dd was always a tomboy and wanted to be a boy from a very young age. She dressed in boy clothes, had short hair etc.As an early adolescent she ‘discovered’ trans and nagged for a binder. I resisted. I resisted any suggestion of pronoun changes too. I went firmly down the path of ‘wait and see’ and ‘don’t label yourself because your brain changes until you are in your mid 20s’.
She is nearly 17 now, and admits that a lot of it came from her natural inclinations toward interests that were not ‘feminine’ plus a lot of self-hate for her physical appearance. She identifies as ‘bi’, currently dislikes most boys and has developed a very funky dress and make-up sense. She still seems quite depressed (so not a completely rosy happy ending). But there is a sense that she is finding her way through the jungle. Comfortable bras have proved essential!

Geraniumblue thanks so much for the update. I am of the same mind as you as in asking her to give herself time to be sure before we do anything. This has become her focus since corona lockdown. She is pushing for a binder, I got her a couple of sports bras. I am happy to support Her if it comes to it but dont want to be too quick to go down any route that we can’t do a u turn from. She is very tomboyish too and not ladylike in any way. It seems to be very common when they get to a certain age so can’t help wondering if it is a stage they have to work through( although I’m sure there will be some that decide it is definitely the way for them, I don’t mean everyone is the same)

I suspect a lot of it is coming to terms with the fact that they are undeniably female, with the body that goes with that. For some girls, this is a very hard thing to accept in this peculiarly rigid age. But not, I would argue, as hard as changing gender.
Directing the focus away from themselves and on to other things they actually enjoy is another tactic.

I have a son, he was born a girl, however your daughter could just be going through some stuff, I'd say from personal experience support her, follow her, but don't do anything medical, therapy is key, my son has been in therapy for years and was diagnosed with gender dysphoria.

you say your daughter says she has body dysmorphia, however that is a very serious condition all in itself. Show her you care by maybe buying her a boys t shirt but don't insinuate anything. I didn't support my son for 2 years because I wanted to make sure it was permanent.

Mumof2love can I ask how old was your son when he first mentioned anything to you ? I find It’s a balancing act being supportive and trying not to steer her down any particular path in case it’s the wrong one. I agree counselling is needed and that will be our next step.

There are 2 excellent podcasts with professionals who have/ do work with young people with gender dysphoria. One used to work at the Tavistock and the other is an endocrinologist, definitely worth a listen. On YouTube called ‘resisting adolescence’ .

I know this thread hasn’t been active for quite some time but wondered if any parents would be happy to share updates?

Hello. I know there hasn't been any posts for 3 years but I also know a mom is gonna read all the possible pages to help their kids, so here it is: my 13 year old went through the same stages: cut her hair short, cut it secretly so that she can look like a boy, selected 2 boy's names for the future, explored which country she would be more happy to live in as a transgender person, followed transgender forums and advocated for their rights, wore clothes from boys' departments, was referred to as a boy outside by people that didnt know her because she looked exactly like a boy. She cried when someone referred to her as a girl, etc. etc. She convinced a psychologist and a psychiatrist she was transgender. Fast forward 1.5 years: she started to slowly change. Her hair got a tiny bit longer, she started to select clothes that had a tint of colors other than black grey and blue. Fast forward 6 more months: completely transformed back to her own self. Now all she does is watch make up videos and think about what to wear the next day. She admitted that during that time she was depressed, something which those "experts" could not diagnose. She said she thought she was ugly and that noone would find her attractive because she didnt have feminine features (completely not true).

All in all, if your child did not show any signs during early childhood that they could be transgender and opted USUALLY for their birth-gender clothes, toys and games themselves rather than you pushing them for these things, look out for signs of depression. Stay calm. Don't ignore, don't reject, don't get angry and don't get HOPELESS. The best advice we were given was to "normalize" this. Give the message that it's OK if they are transgender, you love them no matter what and will support them fully when the time comes, but for now as teenagers all they need to focus on is growing healthy, having fun, being with friends, doing whatever they like to do, study and do their school related work, etc, and that they don't really need to identify themselves as one thing or anohter for now (transgender/bi/non-binary, etc.) - they should just live and enjoy the life they have.

This shall pass IF your child was MOSTLY comfortable and happy in their birth-assigned gender in their early childhood, before their puberty. My kid loved to play with some boy's toys (construction toys, Ben10) but she also begged to have another barbie or lego friends, or sparkly pens or paints. She loved to wear tutu dresses and skirts and shiny shoes and loved to put on my makeup on her dolls. She loved watching Ben10 but she loved watching barbie movies too.

My heart goes to you all whatever you are going through. May they find their true self in which they will be happy for the rest of their lives -whatever this might be- as soon as possible.

My child went through this at about the same age and said she had always felt something was wrong with her body she went for therapy and we contacted the GP who referred her to the transgender clinic fast forward 6 years and he is now happy with who he has become it wasn’t an easy journey as we came up against a lot of hurdles along the way 1 being the lack of knowledge from our GP and peoples reactions to his situation some good and sadly some negative
I wish you luck in your journey and hope you support your daughter in whichever path she chooses 😊 but please I hope you support her choice as she will always be your child 😘

Thank you for this. My daughter was always the quintessential girly girl until we moved away to another state and she turned 11 and met a new group of kids. Before relocating, she was positive and happy. That all changed with a new school in a new state. She fell into a group of kids who didn’t fit in anywhere. They decided to form a “diversity group”. I thought this was a great idea, I thought it had to do with different nationalities and Faiths. Nope. These 11 year olds would discuss what they were in terms of sexuality . Some say they were gay, some would say they were bisexual, someone say they were pan. (Yes, I eavesdropped on many a conversation). My daughter at that time decided she was a lesbian. Then later decided she was pan. Fast forward-she says she was born in the wrong body and is trans. At 12 she cut her beautiful long hair short and wore boys clothes. I could tell she was not comfortable this way, but she had to keep up that appearance for her peers, I am guessing. Then she wanted a binder when she got into high school. She was with a new group of friends who I felt were toxic. She developed an eating disorder and was surly much of the time. She’d buy more boys clothes, but wouldn’t wear them. I later found them in a pile for donations. This toxic group turned on her and she was bullied and left out. The school was no help. We took her out of that school and enrolled her in a private school where she has been thriving and is happy. She wears makeup , perfume, crop tops, Flowy pants. Hair is a little bit longer and she has a boyfriend. She is driving and will attend college away, come September. She is very feminine-but at 18, still wants me to use pronouns, her chosen name, and accept that she is “trans”. She has a psychiatrist and a cognitive behavioral psychologist. Off the record, they’ve told me they believe she’s NOT trans. I will tell you that her middle school and high school have indoctrinated these kids. I did not know this was happening until I did some digging. They groom the kids slowly but surely. I am praying that my daughter accepts herself as being female and uses her given name. This trans thing is killing me. I don’t know if I can take anymore.