My 14 Old Daughter Says She Wants to be a Boy

[Somebiscuits]

I have a dilemma. My daughter has expressed her dissatisfaction with many aspects of femininity before - periods for instance and the fact that women do not have true equality with men- and I have been very sympathetic. She doesn't like having breasts and quickly went from wearing ordinary bras to wearing sports bras. That was okay too.I suppose I was waiting for her to accept that she was growing up and mature a little bit.

However, recently she has announced that she has body dysmorphia and wants to be a male. She has asked to see a counsellor and last night asked me to buy bindings so she can flatten her breasts completely. I refused because I believe this could permanently damage her - she's still growing after all. She flew off the handle and now I don't know what to do.

The thing is I am pretty liberal and accepting and I would accept this more if she had a history of dressing or acting like a boy. She hasn't and has an interest in girls things like make up, hair and clothes. She is not gay. Her dislike of being female seems more to do with the physical and social aspects than a deep feeling that she was born in the wrong gender.

All this has left me very confused. I'm loathe to start her on counselling for fear she'll end up going down a particular path which I am not at all convinced is the right one. On the other hand I want to support her and the best I can for her while she finds out about herself. What should I do?

In the last few Months I have been going through similar thing with my 13 and Year old Daughter.. She dosn't want to be called her name anymore where's sports bras and seems sure she wants to be a boy. She goes to a All girls School which I wondered if this hasn't helped. I am showing to her as much understanding as I can. She has been seeing a Proper Councilor at at School but she has told me they think maybe she should get help in treatment and on Fri just gone I had a message left for me from CAM .. I feel scared what the future may hold for my Daughter. When I was 13 I used to not want to show my body but adventually that passed and I wonder if there is to much on the internet putting things into her head? Her Dad knows nothing about this but my Daughter wants to tell him. He's quite old fashioned and quite a lot older than me so I really don't know how he is going to react .. I'm scared and worried and really need someone to talk to

Bythesea, I understand how scared and confused you are, as am I. My husband is in the military and much more conservative than I am. He's handling it better than expected. I, on the other hand, am much liberal and a nervous wreck. I feel like o could have underatood this more had she shown any signs before puberty. My daughter will be 15 in a month and has gotten worse as far as not wanting to be called her name or by any female pronouns. We are switching therapists and I am hoping the new one can do a better job of rooting out the cause and help my kiddo to figure out where the thoughts stem from and what her true feelings and desires are, vs a discontent in being female and jumping to conclusion that means she is more like a boy.

I've gone into therapy myself over my anxiety in this situation and I've learned this: as much as we'd like to, we cannot "fix" this for them and they need the struggle to figure it out on their own. It is scary not knowing how things will turn out and, yes, social media is an influence but we don't know for whom it is a true, permanent issue and we do not know who is "caught up in a wave" so to speak. It is definitely trending, my daughter knows other kids (all girls) going through this and every time she is exposed to a new idea, it seems to get worse but I cannot control her friends/peers and what they speak about, and have to admit to myself that this is where she is drawn right now and feels she fits in.

Hang in there and try to take it day by day. As my therapist has said, the best way to deal with this is with empathy. I've done a lot of things wrong: lost my patience, tried to rush her through this process because I want it to be over and done with, tried to tell her what she is feeling (discomfort with puberty, life changes, etc., and all I have done is make her angry and feel invalidated. We are trying very hard to only call her by a nickname and not use pronouns or say "they", "them" and "their" as she has requested. This is certainly new territory for our generation and I have to believe the vast majority of these gals will wind up feeling ok about being as they are.

This is all sounds very similar to my DD's situation. As JBro says, it seems to be on the increase and I think there has to be something to the "wave" idea. Inc DD, there are now 3 teens going through this at her/his school (all apparent in the last 12 months), all around the same age, and all informed to the gills by info on the internet (apparently). That now makes 5 teenagers that I know of in my little market town in rural Wales who appear to be transgender.
My DD has recently started expressing doubts - saying she's had really confusing nightmares and that there is a little voice in her head telling her she's not really trans. (She has started wearing foundation again occasionally). It's all so distressing and confusing for her, especially on top of GCSEs. Her counsellor has just made a referral to the Tavistock so we'll wait and see how it all pans out... but I worry about her all the time. My own feelings about it tend to get in the way and I get it wrong too.
I think your advice is very sound JBro - empathy seems to be the only comfort. I think people's reactions can be surprising - DD's school, Head of Year and male peers have been really supportive (which I didn't expect!)

Where are you based by the way?

Anyway, good luck to everyone going through this...

Bobbymac, sorry your daughter is still going through this but it sounds like the persistent doubts are a really good sign that she is starting to listen to her inner voice.

We are in the United States in a suburb outside Washington, DC. There are actual transgendered kids in this region and lots of news coverage devoted to transgender issues, in addition to some social media sites where gender nonconformity is prevalent with dozens of gender labels to choose from. I don't know if you saw Miley Cyrus's "coming out" as gender fluid last week, but it just further illustrates the internet aspect.

I don't know how many mums here have daughters in the autism spectrum but this is not necessarily uncommon among girls with Asperger's. That still doesn't change the approach to dealing with it but I find it somewhat comforting with knowing my child has so many traits.

I am not at all happy to hear so many young females are distressed by this issue but it helps to know this is something other families are dealing with and that it may in some ways be another relatively normal expression of teen angst in a modern world.

PS--I decided not to take my daughter back to the psychologist she'd been seeing for
10 mos. While a seasoned therapist (76 years old) he was not at all in tune with how peers and media have been influencing my daughter and this is trending. We are in the process of getting her in with a much younger female therapist who can provide a different perspective, not rush to conclusions, and is up to date with how prevalent this issue is. I think it is very important that these kids learn that it is ok to be confused and that things may take awhile to become clear.

We've also had a problem with finding the right kind of counsellor. CAMHS (counselling service who usually deal with gender issues initially) were a bit too gung-ho and very politically correct. At the first consultation, they suggested DD come out as Trans to her peers at school without giving her the tools to deal with the possible ramifications and more importantly, without looking into her background and history. She's now seeing a family therapist who is good but is having difficulty breaking through to her real feelings. Interesting that you mention autism - we often wondered if DD was autistic and a psychologist who tested her recently for Dyslexia also wondered if that might be the case. We've been told the Tavistock are good at getting to the heart of things so we're hopeful it can all be unravelled somehow. Agree about the confusion - we're embracing it as part of the process! As long as she is happy and ends up on the right path for her true self, that's all that matters. I've trawled Mumsnet threads for this issue and the consistency in initial signs and "symptoms" is remarkable... almost like it follows a model or a profile. As you say, it will be interesting to see how our girls turn out a few years down the line... I've taken heart from Mumsnet though - it's supportive just to know what others are going through. Good luck with the new therapist!

Bobbymac, you are so right about all these anecdotes sounding eerily similar! My daughter will not start with the new therapist for another 3 weeks. I will definitely let you all know how it goes. Please hang in there everyone. You are all kind, loving and wonderful mothers whose daughters are knuckle than they know!

That was supposed to be "lucky" not "knuckle.
Anyway, for anyone interested in the autism/gender identity link: mobile.dudamobile.com/site/the-art-of-autism?url=http%3A%2F%2Fthe-art-of-autism.com%2Fgender-identity-issues-and-females-on-the-spectrum%2F&dm_redirected=true#3053

Feeling quite positive after our first session at the Tavistock clinic yesterday - I think it will be a useful process us to go through. Next appointment not until middle of July though! Hope you are doing ok Bobbymac.

Hi Nikki. Glad to hear you've had your first appointment and that it went okay. Do you have far to travel?

(DD's most recent reaction to her doubts (and the voice in her head that keeps telling her she's a girl) has been to want testosterone.. To me and her dad, most of her sensibilities are still quite feminised, though she doesn't seem to be aware of that (which is probably just as well). DD has told various people (including her counsellor) that all her life she has felt like she was meant to be a boy, but I find that hard to believe. She dated a guy for a year (and was besotted with him), used to spend hours braiding and styling her hair, and loved doing crochet-work and dressing up.

I think the counsellor made the Tavistock referral last week so we're hoping we won't have long to wait for our first appointment.

Bobbymac, my daughter has also been claiming she was born a boy recently but says on other days she is neutral. None of it makes sense. I finally fessed up about this to my neighbor who is a middle school guidance counselor and he said he is seeing this more and more and that his advice to parents is to not try to understand or figure it out because it will never make sense to us and to just keep asking them to explain it as if you know nothing at all and ask how you support them. Honestly, that is probably the best advice I have heard because my brain is figuratively fried and I know my frustration, disappointment and, if I may admit it, anger regarding the situation is very obvious at times and I know it doesn't help the situation at all and can only make it worse. This is definitely the hardest thing I have ever dealt with as a parent.

I think you're right JBro - the only thing that is consistent is the inconsistency! At the mo, DD doesn't really want to go out and see friends (is revising for exams anyway) so we're giving lots of comfort food, hugs and re-runs of Frasier!

I keep reminding myself that there are so many positive trans role models out there now that whatever happens, she will be supported and find her own niche. If it does go that way, it will be very interesting to see her grow up without the usual gender expectations (and pressures) that I was subject to...

At this point I am not even looking at future as much as I am just trying to get through each day with her and celebrate it with a glass of wine.

Hi Bobbymac,
I hope things are getting better for your daughter and your family. We had our first appointment at the Tavistock a couple of weeks ago, our next appointment is not until the middle of July. It was more a getting to know the family and a bit of history than anything else but we have come away with a lot of forms to fill in and the counsellor explained a bit more about the process. We all came away feeling that it is going to be a positive process for us to go through.

Hi Nikki, glad to hear you've had your first session and that it felt positive. How is your DD feeling about it all?

We've just heard that our referral to the Tavistock has gone through (there has to be a funding application as we live in Wales) so I'm guessing we'll have a 4 month wait now. My teen is still having alot of anxiety and panic attacks but there has been lots of exam stress (also due to dyslexia), so I think that's probably feeding into everything else. Still, only 2 exams to go now. Roll on Summer hols...

I could really do with some help/advice please. My 13 year old daughter told me last night, that since she was 9 she has thought she should have been born a boy! She wants to be a boy...she said she'd been looking on the internet and recently came across the term transgender...a couple of months ago, she had 19" cut off her hair and now has a very short hairstyle, at the time, I presumed she just wanted a change, but she told me last night that was one of the reasons.

She's mentioned "binding" which on reading the above, I now know what this is.

She is also in the process of being diagnosed as autistic, we did go to the doctors a few years ago, as she has always been my "quirky" girl, the doctors gave us some forms to fill in to have her registered, but on speaking to her school teacher at the time, decided not to have her registered as we didn't want her labelled. Thing have gotten worse to the point she is having panic attacks and having to come home at least once a week from school.

I don't know if any of the above is linked to how she's feeling at the moment, she finds it so hard to talk to anyone about anything, so I know how much strength and courage it has taken her to tell me what she has.

I fully support her, she is the youngest of 4 daughters, I just don't know what to do. She's talked about having a different name, and people referring to her as he/him.

Sorry that this post is a bit all over the place, it's a lot like the inside of my head at the moment.

Any advice is fully welcome.

Thank you for taking the time to read this x

Welcome, Tonip33. I think we can all empathize with your daughter's confusion and yours as well. So many girls are getting swept up in this and it is hard to know for whom it is passing feeling that will eventually work itself out and for whom it is more permanent. There is an undeniable social media influence as well as it trending in adolescents who seem to be mainly girls.

As hard is it is, try to "go with it" for now and ask her to let you know how to support her. With the panic attacks seeing a psychiatrist and/or therapist may be a good way of managing that part. My own daughter is functioning better on antidepressants as a whole but she is definitely digging in on the gender issues and wants to go by a neutral nickname and "they". We try our best to comply and still make mistakes.

Looks like I'm a little late to the show, but I'm curious how things are going with your daughter. My 15 yo just recently told me she wants to be a boy. She has been wearing sports bras since the beginning and for the last year or so has been wearing boys clothes and sporting boy hair cuts. She wears mens shorts and boxers. I've allowed it because I thought it was more because she was self conscious of her body (she is a little overweight).

She has expressed some interest in girls in the past, but also in boys. I may be in complete denial, but I thought it was just about going through those awkward, trying to find yourself years. I've always been supportive of these decisions. She has had alot of self-esteem issues. She struggles in school and continues to not be able to find her interest. She's tried everything when she was younger from dance, to swimming, ice-skating, piano, karate, art. Nothing seems to stick. Then her dad and I went through a divorce about 4 years ago. My daughter is adopted. I feel like she just has too many issues to know how to deal with them properly and that wanting to be a boy might be an outlet for her.

She's been in therapy for other issues including the divorce, schooling, and relationship issues and she just doesn't cooperate or seem to benefit from it so I'm not sure that more therapy will help.

If you have any suggestions, I'd be happy to hear them.

Thanks.

Thanks JBro for your reply, this is by far the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with. I spoke with my daughter last night, she is telling me she's 100% certain she wants to be a boy, she's told me she's spent hours and hours on the internet, "chatting" to other people in a similar situation and this has confirmed to her what she's feeling.

I have explained that I don't understand and am trying my best to support her, I was bought up the old fashioned way, and I'm finding it so hard to find the right words/things to say to her.

She keeps referring to herself as transgender, wants the bindings and wants me to take her to the doctors to begin whatever processes need to be done.

I'm lost! Feel so alone right now.

123Diane, I totally understand where you're coming from! Everything you have said in your post, is what is going through my head. At the moment I don't know which way to turn!

First Tavistock session done, next one mid July. I think this will be a useful process for us all as a family. It really brought home to us how much information there is out there now and the vast choices that there seems to be for today's youth. My daughter was coming out with terms I had never heard of, I think I have a lot to learn about all of this!

Hi Bobbymac,

I completely lost the thread hence the reason I posted twice as I thought my first post had got lost somewhere so have only just picked up this thread tonight and seen all these new posts - all interesting reading!
I hope exams are over now and you can all relax a little and she can enjoy a well earned break. These girls all sound so similar, my daughter suffers with anxiety and gets panic attacks in crowds, heat - she has low iron levels which make her feel quite faint too - apparently low iron is very common in girls going through puberty as their growing bodies are not able to replenish red blood cells quick enough before the next cycle?

She has been much happier since our Tavistock appointment, I think it has made her see how supportive we are and feel that something is actually happening and her voice is being heard. Nothing much has actually changed, she has a small group of friends who refer to her as a boy but has taken advice on board and conforming (much as she hates it) at school otherwise. She is doing very well academically and it has even been commented on that her confidence seems to have improved and she occasionally speaks in class. We are very lucky living 30 miles from London so it is only about an hour on trains for us to the Tavistock. It is a long way to go from Wales for a 1 hour appointment! We saw CAHMS in January and were referred, received letter confirming referral in March and received appointment for May so it took a while!

Councillor at Tavistock asked my daughter what she liked doing when she was growing up and she said playing outside, dressing up as spiderman and playing pokemon. It is funny how selective her memory is - how she forgets most of her dressing up clothes were pink with wings, Disney princesses and high heals and most of her outdoor play involved a tea set and feeding her baby dolls, her obsession with High School Musical and huge collection of Barbies and Bratz!

Her interests at the moment are much the same as many other girls her age are into....drawing, manga, anime, music (listening to, playing, sometimes even writing) and she hardly ever leaves the house without eyeliner on. And now she has taken to reading psychology books!

JBro123 thank you for the link autism/gender identity, really interesting reading! So strange as my daughter only asked me tonight if I had ever had her tested for autism. She sees so many traits in herself, her older brother has Asperger's Syndrome so she is very familiar with the condition but only so far as it affects her brother. Some of the forms that the Tavistock clinic have given us to complete before we go again seem very geared towards ASD (I have filled in so many before!) so I wonder if they look at any links. May have to do some more reading...

tonip33, JBro123, Bythesea333 and 123diane - this is all so confusing and it is a really difficult situation to deal with. We are just trying to take it very slow, be supportive, empathetic and just step in when she wants to move to fast, encouraging her to take things slow. She is very understanding that we are not ready yet to start thinking of her as male but will support her through the process and stand by her whatever. But she also understands that her school is very old fashioned and she needs to be careful for her own wellbeing. It is a lot for a 14 year old and she amazes me sometimes with how strong and patient she is being dealing with all of this.

Sorry to have rambled but it is so reassuring to know that there are so many of us going through this together - please keep sharing, thank you x

Nikki,
Glad to hear that your daughter is happier. One of the things my own therapist has told me that even if the gender identity issue is temporary, it does not mean it will go away any time soon. All we can do is support our kids and let things play out because this is their struggle and they need too figure it out. I have been guilty of wanting to "fix" the problem for her.

My kiddo is seeing a new therapist and so far so good. We have not necessarily seen any changes, but the person she is going to now is a woman, much younger than her previous (a 76-year-old man), and very much in tune to the fact gender dysphoria is trending. She also saw the Asperger's traits straight away and that was a relief to me because the other therapist completely discounted that part of the equation and was not willing to follow up on it.

So, while there are no guarantees or predictions about the future and how things will finally reveal themselves, I am at least relieved that the new person is starting to see the whole picture and not just viewing gender confusion as the only thing my child is struggling with.

We are definitely all in this together and I do appreciate this virtual support group!

Hi my 13 yo daughter broke down this evening saying she's felt for a long time she should be a boy .... absolutely floored ! i told her it must have taken so much courage to tell me and i love her so much whatever path we go together. we discussed her talkin to someone who could help her talk through things. im planning on calling tp talk to my gp in the morning for some advice. am i doing the right thing? do i need to talk to her school? ... Please help xxx

thank you for that. .. it definitely helps knowing there ia support out there and people who have experienced similar situations. ..

i went to the gp today, he's suggested blood tests to see if there anything going on there. .once he's done that, he said he would refer us ... is this what has happened to others xx