My 14 Old Daughter Says She Wants to be a Boy

[Somebiscuits]

I have a dilemma. My daughter has expressed her dissatisfaction with many aspects of femininity before - periods for instance and the fact that women do not have true equality with men- and I have been very sympathetic. She doesn't like having breasts and quickly went from wearing ordinary bras to wearing sports bras. That was okay too.I suppose I was waiting for her to accept that she was growing up and mature a little bit.

However, recently she has announced that she has body dysmorphia and wants to be a male. She has asked to see a counsellor and last night asked me to buy bindings so she can flatten her breasts completely. I refused because I believe this could permanently damage her - she's still growing after all. She flew off the handle and now I don't know what to do.

The thing is I am pretty liberal and accepting and I would accept this more if she had a history of dressing or acting like a boy. She hasn't and has an interest in girls things like make up, hair and clothes. She is not gay. Her dislike of being female seems more to do with the physical and social aspects than a deep feeling that she was born in the wrong gender.

All this has left me very confused. I'm loathe to start her on counselling for fear she'll end up going down a particular path which I am not at all convinced is the right one. On the other hand I want to support her and the best I can for her while she finds out about herself. What should I do?

Was shown this thread by a family member

I am an 18 year old trans man, I was assigned female at birth but realised that I was truely male during my teens and came out when I was 16.

If your child has spoken to you feeling that they are questioning their gender, please please support them, as the majority of you are doing brilliantly. My only concerns on this thread are the questions about young girls coming out being "a new trend". I and others that I've spoken to that are also trans see the increase in young trans people as a sign that society as a whole is becoming more accepting of those who have gender dysphoria, rather than it being "the cool thing to do".

The 2nd other concern is any of you that question wether you child is truely trans because they were never a tomboy or always like wearing makeup. Although these things are hard to separate, those actions are merely gender roles/ expressions, not inner gender identity.

Thirdly, for anyone who's child asks if they can start binding: provided they only bind for a maximum of 8 hours a day, take it off for any form of exercise and don't sleep in it, there is no danger to binding, if they are using sports bras or a binder made for the purpose (I personally use underworks binders) if you child wants to bind, the likely hood is that they will do it wether you give consent or not, but a majority of teenagers who bind in secret use extremely unsafe methods such as using ace bandages or duct tape, which can seriously damage the users rib cadge and generally restrict breathing

Finally, reuben you may be trying to help, but please refrain from saying that there is no such thing as "transgenders" as this is false, and could potentially be dangerous for any questioning teens that find this thread while trying to do research about being transgender

If any of you have any questions PM me

I forgot to add: if your child hasn't reached puberty, blockers are 100% reverseable and are used as a pause button so the child can continue to have conselling and support, and have been used for many many years in the cases of children who experience puberty at extremely young ages (5/6/7) with no side effects

Catsandtea
I know that you are trying to help but psychiatric patients are not experts on their own condition. Particularly ones with high rates of narcissism like the studies I posted showed

Your advice encouraging "binding: is especially bad. Please refrain from trying to treat other patients

reuben I never claimed to be an expert, I just wanted to give my two cents from the perspective of someone who is going through what many of the people on this thread are experiencing.

My advice regarding the binding has come from personal experience and extensive research, of course people are willing to take it with a pinch of salt and I am perfectly fine with that, but I'm sure that any parent would rather their child bind in a safe way if that is want they want, rather than do so unsafely and damage their bodies

needascarf thank you (love the name by the way)

80% of these patients are cured without harming their body. And that's with an awful lot of incompetence in the field.
The goal is for that
Their outcomes are far superior by any measure

I realize that some have a personal interest in people being able to socially change gender, but this is not about you. This is about a children with a serious form of clinical depression and how best to proceed with treatment.

Ok I am finally home, and able to join in fully, so frustrating lurking on your phone at work & not able to comment fully.

Giraffe hi -yes you are right, yet again a supportive thread derailed by the table thumpers who think we are all child abusers who are mutilating our young.

Reuben- can I ask what your expertise is in this area? You are throwing around an awful lot of sweeping statements, and your attitude to trans teens not only patronising but downright insulting.

Cats please don't think this is the view of all posters on MN, it's good to have a young trans persons view thank you.

Is it not rather insulting to call a trans person a psychiatric patient?? Dysphoria is a mental health condition sure but being gay was consider one not that long ago.

Medical terminology evolves all the time, not because it is "trendy" but y'know research and actually working with patients.

Mom2A Please don't be alarmed by this posters bias, it is always good to have other links to research but a lot of Reubens posts are misinformed.

I think you are doing just the right thing with your daughter, being there for her, tough as it is for you and allowing her to work through what she is feeling and adjusting to. Yes some troubled teens do commit suicide even with parental support but more work it all out for themselves and move on to being happy late teens & adults in a variety of ways. It doesn't matter if she wants to dress as a boy for a bit and /or use male pronouns. She can have hormonal blockers to stop her puberty for a while, as Cats said, it is not known yet if there will be long term effects on fertility. It seems not at the moment.

so if it gives the child a few years to get counselling & address the dysmorphia without the very thing that causes it then all to the good.

I have found that anti -trans posters often parrot "but 80% of supposed trans teens are not in adulthood" GREAT!! if a child has the chance to work out their problems, and decides they're "only" gay GREAT!! but we have to support them while they work things out.

And you can't "cure" dysmorphia by ignoring it that is just an ignorant statement!

I am just shooting off to find some of the more positive studies that have come out of late.

pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/early/2014/09/02/peds.2013-2958.abstract

Key extract- "RESULTS: After gender reassignment, in young adulthood, the GD [gender dysphoria] was alleviated and psychological functioning had steadily improved. Well-being was similar to or better than same-age young adults from the general population. Improvements in psychological functioning were positively correlated with postsurgical subjective well-being.”

Sorry got sidetracked by family (how very dare they) more tomorrow!

I apologize for being curt but there is so much bad advice being given to children and parents from all sides on this issue and many people are being hurt

Advocating a growing child to engage in binding is not only very harmful but also illegal in some cases.

ottawacitizen.com/news/local-news/venus-envy-fined-for-selling-chest-binder-to-trans-teen
Please do not advocate things of that nature. If you are determined to change your body let a doctor do it

And no there is no evidence this treatment is effective
"The review of more than 100 international medical studies of
post-operative transsexuals by the University of Birmingham's aggressive
research intelligence facility (Arif) found no robust scientific
evidence that gender reassignment surgery is clinically effective. "
www.theguardian.com/society/2004/jul/30/health.mentalhealth

Any study claiming otherwise is garbage. All measures of outcomes for these patients are. Your study for instance is of 55 people and is merely a survey given 1 year after surgery. It does not measure outcomes in any way

ANd Reuben you still haven't answered MY question, who are you to make all these sweeping statements and what is your medical background that makes you qualified to speak as if it were fact?

A seperate group for the trans-sceptic sounds very dangerous,and very sad.

I would like to ask you Reuban and Alternatereality, with all your theories, what would you have advised me to do? With a determined near suicidal child who was desperate to be understood?

Counselling & intensive psychiatric assessment took ages to obtain but was a slow & thorough process, which enabled me to realise that this wasn't " just a phase" (& dear god at one point did I hope & pray it was!!) and that I had two choices, go down the road with my child in hopes that it was the correct thing to do, or refuse to go along with it & have him do it anyway, having no control or input & suffering from the breakdown of our relationship?

Every step of the way the professionals discussed with us the pros & cons of starting hormone therapy, and then possibly surgery later but with the underlying emphasis being that not everyone did and that it was NOT an easy choice, and not without risks. That is for the future.

It is all very well coming on here accusing parents of abusing their children, and trying to make troubled and struggling folks doubt their choices and those of their kids.

it is always good to have alternative choices and thoughts but there are ways of putting the across that gives folks food for thought without making them feel even more guilty than they are already feeling.

Oh and Rueben, breast binding when done safely and with correct surgical standard compression vests is totally safe, breats are not rigid objects they squish quite easily & the immediate result to a girl who hates them is amazing for boosting the self confidence in a non invasive way.

This gives the teen time to explore their issues and feel more masculine. Then if they decide its not for them, great no harm done.

If binding were that harmful do you not think there would be more medical outcry about it? We spoke to several different specialists about it.

Honestly, I think as parents we have to do what we think is best for our kids. I wish you and your child all of the best, Floundering.

I am just urging caution. Obviously it is ideal to help your child feel comfortable in their own skin. Psychotherapy and maybe medication can help. Slowing down the drive for medical intervention will help as well since the longer their brains have time to mature, the better. Their brains don't usually finish the maturation process until about 25. We let our daughter present as she liked (haircuts and clothing), which helped her feel more in control. I was fully aware that our daughter eventually may feel the need to go through medical transition when she became financially independent.

I am thankful that I was able to find a good psychologist to work with my daughter. He is aware that identifying as transgender is trending right now and is able to focus the therapy sessions on helping her deal with why she didn't connect with her birth sex. She now knows she is female, admits that she was confused. Says she has no interest in cross-sex hormones or surgeries. She desisted even though she was 16.

Not all of our children will keep the transgender identity. There is a huge surge of children and teens, especially girls, that believe they are the opposite sex. Just today there was an article in the Guardian about this:
www.theguardian.com/society/2015/nov/05/children-seeking-gender-identity-advice-sees-100-increase-nhs
"Increased media interest, the proliferation of social media where children and young people can discuss gender identity issues, and the prevalence of trans figures in popular culture such as Caitlyn Jenner and Laverne Cox, is thought to be part of the reason why there has been such a significant increase in these referrals."

It is not unreasonable to be cautious, which is what I am suggesting. If some of our children need to go the route that you are promoting, it should be as a last resort.

Dear god I am not promoting it in the slightest!!

What you have done is exactly right, supported your child with professional help to make their own choices .

But some of the "anti" advice is positively harmful when you have a confused child, & may push them towards the unthinkable.

Talking about the failed outcomes of surgical interventions for example is something to discuss in full, when the time is right, but should not be dismissed as an option as it works well for many, it's easy to focus on the failures ! It is very difficult in the UK to get to that stage, & NHS resources are such that no one would get it without a fight. Trans issues may be "trendy" at the moment but isn't it better the young are talking about it and being helped to see their feelings are valid ? The one thing that has been impressed upon my son is that at any stage along the way, he can stop and be happy with whatever stage he is at, either temporarily or permanently.

Of course we should all do what's best for our children, but it angers me when some posters are so full of armchair psychology and dismissing the views of others as dangerous, as if we have gone off half cocked on a crusade of our own choosing.

Look at a balanced picture is all I'm saying .

Sorry didn't meant to post here.

Lots and lots of opinions and facts intertwined here and I think everyone means well.

It is undeniably a trend on the rise, especially among girls. Yes, society has become more accepting and there are kids who feel they can come out and be true to themselves, but, as with any increase in awareness of legitimate conditions, some people will be caught in the net because they are desperate to label their discomfort. Just another of my daughter's friends started going by the gender-neutral "they" just last week. That does not mean that their feelings of gender dysphoria are to be dismissed or not "real", but a conservative, cautious approach makes the most sense.

We have to allow our kids, and this can be difficult, to explore this how they need to. Many of us here have children with diagnoses that are most likely the umbrella issue under which everything else falls. Again, that does not mean we can tell them how to think and convince them their feelings are fleeting. I have definitely been guilty of trying to cut my child off and redirect her feelings, speak rationally about how their are different flavors of men and women and a range of ways to present oneself. She may very well arrive at this conclusion herself one day, and I hope she does, but I cannot do it for her. I have noticed that as she gradually accepts the fact she has Asperger's she seems more willing to entertain the thought that other feelings of discomfort: gender identity, social anxiety, physical clumsiness, etc., are all related. For the most part she is more even in her moods but when extremely stressed it comes up.

As far as my own personal growth is concerned, I know I have provided all the resources to my child that I can. She sees a psychiatrist and gets meds to take the edge off the anxiety and depression. She goes to a therapist who recognizes the mild autism but is also not dismissive of her gender discomfort. Her father and I do our best to keep up with her preferred name and pronouns despite the fact we do not understand.

All any of us can do is offer care and support while they are trying to figure things out for themselves. I hate the limbo state but am ever so gradually accepting there is no rushing through the process and I have to live with it and try to focus on dealing with what is in front of me, not my fears of the unknown.

Jbro exactly. I have had to battle with my instincts that this is all wrong, but seeing my child so much happier has helped. I agree take one step at a time, I get overwhelmed thinking if the future but by focusing on the next little step, helps me really get used to it.
Hugs to you all x