My 14 Old Daughter Says She Wants to be a Boy

[Somebiscuits]

I have a dilemma. My daughter has expressed her dissatisfaction with many aspects of femininity before - periods for instance and the fact that women do not have true equality with men- and I have been very sympathetic. She doesn't like having breasts and quickly went from wearing ordinary bras to wearing sports bras. That was okay too.I suppose I was waiting for her to accept that she was growing up and mature a little bit.

However, recently she has announced that she has body dysmorphia and wants to be a male. She has asked to see a counsellor and last night asked me to buy bindings so she can flatten her breasts completely. I refused because I believe this could permanently damage her - she's still growing after all. She flew off the handle and now I don't know what to do.

The thing is I am pretty liberal and accepting and I would accept this more if she had a history of dressing or acting like a boy. She hasn't and has an interest in girls things like make up, hair and clothes. She is not gay. Her dislike of being female seems more to do with the physical and social aspects than a deep feeling that she was born in the wrong gender.

All this has left me very confused. I'm loathe to start her on counselling for fear she'll end up going down a particular path which I am not at all convinced is the right one. On the other hand I want to support her and the best I can for her while she finds out about herself. What should I do?

Get them what they want, the binder won't screw anything up if it's done right. You may think that they're too young to know what they want, but kids that age are old enough to kill themselves because of the feeling that their parents don't accept them. Trust me, even if it is a phase, it's much better than not accepting their feelings. Also, if they decide that they want to bind anyway, they could end up using something that could permanently damage their ribs, so basically, the binder is the best choice. Thanks for listening to me as I hope you will listen to your child x

I remember at that age been horrified about growing boobs and starting period and thinking I wish I was a boy !! I had always wanted to wear more boyish clothes and play with boys toys and still am quite a "tomboy" but I definitely do not want to be a man !!

I also always felt that boys seemed to get a much better deal than girls generally and think some of it was also about that side of things too

Definitely pursue counselling as a starting point

I have a 14 year old daughter, she told me tonight some day's she feels like a boy, and some day's she feels like a girl. She wants me to allow her to dress like a boy on the day's she feels like a boy. She also wants to bind her breast, which are not small. She say's she is not gay. She just want's the option of dressing like a boy. I am in no way against her being gay. I'm just a little confused shouldn't she want either, or? I mentioned therapy she got upset. She recently met a little girl who is going through the change to a boy. This child has dressed like a boy since he was five. I'm thinking my daughter is confuse, and going on the internet to much, there's to many different choices now. I don't mean to ramble on , I'm just very confused, and don't know what to do. Help!!

I know this is a very unpopular opinion but it's such a fashionable thing at the moment. I know one group of my son's friends who ALL think they are in some way transgender. Being a teen is confusing anyway, and then you read shit on the Internet and identify with probably 3 sentences and BOOM! You're worrying about your gender identity.

Just love and listen to your DD. She'll either grow out of it or she won't. But she'll remember that you loved her and listened to her anyway.

ChipsandGuac

Probably the most concise, insightful analysis and thoughtful advice I have seen in awhile.

JBro, thank you! Your comment has just made my day!

Thank you all for the positive response to my message! -

There are so many sexuality's, and identities swimming around on the internet, that it's hard to figure out what might be what.

A lot of the advice I can give is that with maturity comes more perspective. It's easy for a 15 year old to make a decision and think that it's how they will feel for the rest of their life. I know this, because that's what I thought! Educate them on what being transgender REALLY means. Try and look up blogs and read books written by young people who have actually had those experiences themselves.

I really hope that everyone here finds their little piece of happiness. There is a place for all kinds of people in the world. And even though everyone might not understand why I would want to wear mens underwear, or clothes, or have short hair - that's their problem. When I was younger I was fixated on finding this little box to fit into. I wanted to fit in. And as I saw it, I could either be transgender or a girl. When I figured out that people would like me for myself, and aspire to me because I am able to be myself.

Teenage years don't last forever, and through the hormones and confusion - they'll find themselves eventually. Just try to remind them that as life changes, they change too :) and no matter how negative they feel TODAY, in 5 years - chances are what made them feel that way won't matter anymore

Kion, bless you! I really needed this today. My daughter had been doing fairly well (semingly less gender obsessed overall) and something must have triggered it to come to forefront. Yesterday someone wrote in her yearbook that they would "support" her on her transition and my heart sank. Today she asked for a compression bra after we'd just gotten rid of them, with her permission, because they were not being worn. Your post gives me hope that this is just a stumble in the road and not a sign she is going all in. FWIW, she does not even present as male at all or have any stereotypical make interests other than video games. It is baffling.

JBro, I'm glad my response helped you through a tough day - your daughter is blessed to have someone who loves and cares about her so much :)

It's unfortunate how much the media and other teenagers can influence how young people feel about themselves. Concerning the chest binding, if you feel she's approachable maybe ask her to consider wearing a sports bra. It's possible that puberty has been a very uncertain time for her, and in response she's decided she wants her boobs to disappear (or has feelings along those lines). Though if she is adamant that she MUST have another chest binder, I would allow it - just in case she takes matters into her own hands (she could damage her body unknowingly).

Perhaps also if she has any interests, put them in the forefront of her mind - and allow her to get distracted with the things that she likes - which may help her focus less on herself. As she is getting to that 'age' - maybe talk to her about what she'd like to do in the future. What kind of life she would like to have. Allow her to realize that a transgender transition requires many years of drugs, operations and most of all is permanent. I'm not alluding that she doesn't know her own mind, or that she might not genuinely be suffering from identity disorder. But either way, it serves you both to be informed about what the condition REALLY means. Maybe then she might ask questions herself, and try and find an alternative to the extreme change she is wanting at the moment. And perhaps consider how all these trips to hospital ect might affect whatever aspirations she might have.

I'm sure the person who wrote in her year book meant no harm :) Just love her, spend time with her. From what you've wrote, this has been a very hard period in your life - and I think you've done brilliantly. My mother might be the best person to write 'these current words' but I shall try. I have 2 brothers, and was her only daughter. She found it incredibly difficult to 'loose her daughter' so to speak. In the nature of, clothes shopping, make up, girly dates ect. It drove me away from her, and it's only since I was about 17 that things began to get better. It hurts me that I'm not what she always wanted, and perhaps expected - but at the same time I'm glad that eventually she has been able to love me for all the reasons that she never thought she would :)

Oh, Kion, you difficulties must have been so hard for both you and your mom but I am glad you now have a loving and accepting relationship!

This has been "actively" going on for 2 years but a year before that she was very depressed and not talking much and that was exactly when she got her first period and her body started having major changes so I think it is fair to say it happened about 3 years ago.

Regarding exploring "true" transgenderism with her, I do not think there is anything left to learn. She'll be turning 16 in a couple of days and is definitely "stuck". She does not seem to be able to move forward with any outward changes but also cannot let the idea go. Even the compression (sports) bra I bought yesterday has not been taken out of package. I'm sure she'll wear it a couple of times, realize it is uncomfortable, and go back to not wearing it. I never, ever expected her to be a "girly girl" and always supported her eclectic interests in stuffed animals, mani pedis, Pokémon, Harry Potter books and video games. While a challenging child to raise, which now we realize is due to Asperger's, I always loved my highly intelligent, quirky, awkward girl.

It kills me that she is so uncomfortable with herself and is so mixed up and feels that everything she naturally is is "wrong" but I know this is a hard age and we all go through it in one way or another, but watching her hate her body, her name and bristling when the wrong pronoun is used is sometimes too much to bear. I want to make it all go away and bring her back to "home base" but I can't. All I can do is hope she'll eventually love herself as is with all that entails.

I am so relieved to find these posts. My DD is 13 and saying she is a boy. She was picked on in 6th grade and had low self esteem along with being extremely sensitive. She read this webcomic and got involved with the fan fiction sites which were mostly kids claiming to be gay and trans. She became so entrenched in the storyline, art & music she could not cope with reality. Before that, she was a girly girl with no signs of confusion. We found a therapist who believes in self acceptance and who understands this is trending.

Cont'd
Her friends are all claiming to be agender or some other label. We have told her we love her no matter what, but we will not call her our son just yet. She has a few friends calling her a different name, requested a shorter haircut and is interested in wearing more boy clothes. She started talking in a lower voice and acting more 'boy' like a few months ago, but seems to have stopped that behavior.

Like all of the posters, we love and support her, but this is so unexpected and seems to be media influenced. We don't know if she will grow out of it or not, but are hopeful she can be happy in her own body.

Petunia, I wish I had more for you than virtual hugs. You are at the right place for love and support for yourself. Also, maybe check out 4th Wave Now to read about other parents who are open minded but also worried about this behavior being heavily influence by media and peer pressure.

Thank you so much for the support. I have been reading that website you mentioned along with many destransition stories. I have removed all internet access which has helped tremendously in helping her to develop more self reliant thinking. While that is a temporary solution, she has recognized that she disconnected from the real world and she seems much calmer. Unfortunately, for these sweet kids, the Internet can be too much of an influence for these overly emotional years.

I have spent the last few months not being able to sleep and eat, worried about what the future might hold for her given that we live in a conservative area and are involved in our church, which she still loves. If she publicly comes out, it will be very difficult and she will lose some close friendships at a vulnerable time in her life.

However, I was a non-comforming kid in high school and was extremely uncomfortable with my body, so I understand somewhat where she is coming from. I am so grateful this information was not around during my adolescence because it really would have been confusing.

Well I'm another mom here to join this horrible club. My 16 (almost 17) year old daughter is saying she's a boy. This school year she started in with a new group of friends-all LGBT- a few girls who say they are boys, and one transgender boy who actually has been presenting as a boy for three years, getting the hormones and the surgeries. This boy has been heavily influencing my daughter. I think she had a crush on him and everything he says is gospel to her. She cut her hair short several months ago and has bit by bit dressing more like a boy-having her friends refer to her by a different pronoun and shorter version of her name. I've let this go on and tried to tell her that she can dress the way she wants and cut her hair the way she wants, but that I don't believe she is transgender. She has never ever been anything but girly until this year. I've offered counseling but she has refused. She has really been digging in her heels the last couple months, refused to go to prom because she didn't want to wear a dress and wanted to wear a tuxedo, made that she had to wear a drape for senior photo, and now I just found out she's telling everyone, including some adults, that she's trans. She has a history of mental health issues from age 3, anxiety, depression, eating disorder, always having trouble fitting in. I think she's so tried of not identifying with most girls that she's decided it would be easier to be a boy. Am at a loss for what to do next.

Biscuits83-- my heart breaks for you. I hope you find some comfort in knowing you are not alone in your disbelief and inability to wrap your head around it. My daughter (almost 16) in the past week or so is now full on claiming to be trans. Everything she spouts is obviously information gotten from the Internet and peers. At this point all I want to do is keep her safe.

Thanks JBro 123. I have told both my children no more internet. I follow my daughters Tumblr account and I know she posts/sees a lot of transgender stuff. Her transgender friend also gave her a book that's a transgender story. I told her I didn't want her reading it and that she just needs to take a break from fixating on this issue. I feel like this has only made her dig in more. Our relationship, which used to be so good is suffering. We barely talk and I know she's mad that I just don't accept her believe that she's transgender, but I truly don't think she is and I fear that she'll want to head further down the path of surgeries and hormones. She's already expressed that she hates her breasts and is envious her trans friend is having top surgery in July. SHe gets so much misinformation from these other girls claiming to be boys. They all say there are on hormone blockers and testosterone, and I am pretty sure this is not true. These girls all have family troubles, they do drugs, steal. Not the kind of thing my daughter does. She things she is the only one in this group getting her period. I am on the fence about therapy because I don't want to focus attention too much attention and make this thing grow. I'm sure she would lie to any therapist because her trans friend has told her what he had to do to convince people he was trans. I can see she is using some of these tactics now when digging in her heels on clothing choices. I honestly feel she just has such a hard time fitting in with people, that now she's in the club of people who all thing they a trans, she will not be able to get out even if she wanted to. I really hate this. Am going to therapy myself tomorrow because I'm unraveling. It's been non stop issue with this more child and I'm simply worn out.

It's absolutely exhausting. I am glad you are planning on therapy for yourself. I have been going for about 18 mos. It certainly helps.

As far as these kids, I know I cannot save her from herself, I just have to have faith that at the end of the day she'll figure it out. I cannot do it for her and any push back or challenging I do makes her dig in more. I am hoping that as gender therapists start to see that they are getting so many new cases that there must be something more to it that an explosion of legitimate transgendered individuals coming out of closet and proceed with caution.

Biscuits83, I think therapy should be considered for your daughter.

It's possible she needs someone who isn't a peer, or unfortunately, a member of the family to spell out the situation to her. A therapist, especially someone who is specialized might actually help you get a better idea of whether her feelings stem from a more genuine source, or if she is being influenced by her peers. Having a 'couples' session with you and her could also be helpful to improve your communication. It might help to discuss these issues in a controlled environment :) That way it may be easier to stop her lying to the therapist. Though I think it's important to establish that whether she lies or not, a professional who knows what they are doing - will get to the bottom of it. Also fairly important to note that no surgery or hormones will be given to her without her having to go through the process of talking to a psychologist.

Also perhaps talk to her school about these teens she is hanging around with, it sounds like none of these young people that shes around are getting the correct support! I really feel for you, and hope you find comfort in your therapy tomorrow.

As for things like clothes ect. These are things you will have to compromise on to allow her to find herself :) She doesn't like her boobs, so suggest a chest binder instead of top surgery. She doesn't want a period, maybe go to a doctor and find out if she can go on the pill and make them lighter/less noticeable.

Things will get better, just keep being strong, and focus on finding a compromise, and improving communication -

I think that's the part that worries me the most. It seems that therapists and doctors are all too willing to believe that a teen's belief that they are transgender is what the problem is and if they want surgeries to feel better they will recommend it. I was actually looking at some health insurer's policies on covering transition surgeries and it's remarkable how easy it would be to get something like a mastectomy covered by your insurance. Just have to show persistent dysphoria and be 18 and you've got it. For now there is no way we'd let her get hormones or surgery, but she is 18 in another year. I am actually considering dropping her off my health plan when she turns 18, assuming this is persisting, so she would have to find the money to pay herself. If you ask me, 18 years old is still way too young for people to make this kind of life altering decision.

Thanks Kion. If I could find a good therapist I would consider going. My daughter has been to therapists for her anxiety and other issues, some good some bad. I just don't want to make it worse. She does have a binder and I allow her to wear it. Most of the time I let her wear what she wants. I do appreciate your input as someone who's had their own past confusion and then found what works.

I can see why you would feel that 18 is too young to make such a drastic change, and I understand how you feel.

Being 19 myself though, I do expect to be able to make my own choices. And speaking from my own mind - if I was genuinely transgender, I would sell the clothes on my back to get the surgery I needed. As someone over 18 i'm expected to make choices about my job, manage my own finances, ect. It's hard to be expected to be an adult in some areas, but be told by older people that I'm still not competent enough to make serious decisions about my own future. Especially if it concerned my identity and my sexuality.

So you really do need to weigh up the options. If you take her off your insurance she could put herself in danger by getting a less than qualified surgeon for herself. There isn't really a 'correct' decision, just pros and cons to consider.

I really do think it's important to voice that myself, and all my other peers who have had issues with gender identification, no longer have uncertainties by adulthood. This is just my experience, so that doesn't mean there aren't adults that still aren't sure. Just that I hope I've given you an insight into my mindset as a young person, which might help you find a way to reach your daughter better - and help her come to the right decision for herself :)

Yes, you can get some awful therapists! I also have depression, and had to go through 4 to find someone who worked for me. The resources just aren't as good as they could be. I hope if you do go down the route of therapy though, that you find the right match! :)

This thread is all about giving your own experiences in the hope of helping others. And I hope that as a daughter of parents like yourselves, what I have to say helps you all have another level of insight into this situation -

Kion, I am not a fan of transgender politics, to put it mildly, but I just wanted to say that for someone so young your posts on this are very measured, reasonable, compassionate and supportive. You have restored my faith in the future slightly

Kion, I said it before and I'll say it again, you are a beautiful person!

My own child blamed me for the fact she could not find the shopping bag in her room with the sports bra in it (it was right on her bookshelf). Yesterday she called me to ask how to boil water to make soup. She'll be 16 in 2 days, can't manage her own bedroom or boil water without asking and yet wants me to validate her self diagnosis without question.

Because she is so behind with maturity (which is common in high functioning autism) I just have to hope that she will gain some perspective within a couple of years. At this point she is so focused on hating her breasts and name I cannot imagine a competent doctor or psychologist would feel this was a stable person.