My 14 Old Daughter Says She Wants to be a Boy

[Somebiscuits]

I have a dilemma. My daughter has expressed her dissatisfaction with many aspects of femininity before - periods for instance and the fact that women do not have true equality with men- and I have been very sympathetic. She doesn't like having breasts and quickly went from wearing ordinary bras to wearing sports bras. That was okay too.I suppose I was waiting for her to accept that she was growing up and mature a little bit.

However, recently she has announced that she has body dysmorphia and wants to be a male. She has asked to see a counsellor and last night asked me to buy bindings so she can flatten her breasts completely. I refused because I believe this could permanently damage her - she's still growing after all. She flew off the handle and now I don't know what to do.

The thing is I am pretty liberal and accepting and I would accept this more if she had a history of dressing or acting like a boy. She hasn't and has an interest in girls things like make up, hair and clothes. She is not gay. Her dislike of being female seems more to do with the physical and social aspects than a deep feeling that she was born in the wrong gender.

All this has left me very confused. I'm loathe to start her on counselling for fear she'll end up going down a particular path which I am not at all convinced is the right one. On the other hand I want to support her and the best I can for her while she finds out about herself. What should I do?

Thanks for the post and link Alternatereality. I 100% agree with the skeptics. I feel only a minuscule minority, who have feelings consistent throughout childhood, adolescence and adulthood, truly benefit from drastic measures.

In my situation, my kid continues to look/dress like a female aside from eschewing things that are too frilly. The fact she claims to be neither girl nor boy but "slightly" male is what makes me even more convinced she has fallen victim to groupthink as there is a subcategory of Create Your Own Gender trending online and in schools. One thing that my own therapist has said that the more kids that jump on this train the better in that eventually they will start to question amongst themselves who is real and who isn't.

I remember having a phase of wishing I was a boy, but it turned out I was just clinically depressed and looking for reasons why. I'm not the most feminine woman and I am very feminist.
My own daughter texted me to say she was a lesbian when she was 15, she wasn't.
I'm very wary of what teenagers say they want and sometimes I swear they just want a reaction.
It sounds like you have got it all under control and I hope it all ends well for you. Xx

I hope you are right, JBro123, about the transgender trend becoming less stable as more and more kids board the train. The increase in children and teens showing up at gender clinics is disturbing. transresearch.info/2015/09/05/patterns-of-referral-to-a-gender-identity-service-for-children-and-adolescents-1976-2011-age-sex-ratio-and-sexual-orientation-review/
The current environment is definitely having an effect.

TuTru, thanks for sharing yours and your daughter's stories. Always makes me happy to hear this. It gives me hope that my daughter will change her mind (she also went through a period of depression before coming to this conclusion). And, thank you for your kind thoughts.

I really hope this link is still active. I just came across it and felt like I finally found people feeling the same emotions. We live in the US so I don't have the resources you reference but am experiencing much of the same emotions- anger, fear, sadness, confusion... My daughter was girly all of her life until 4 months ago when she told us she is gay. We were very supportive even though she had "crushes" on boys all through grade school. Last night she left us a note that she is a boy and wants to be called by a different name- this came out of no where since she was wearing makeup up until 2 months ago. She was bullied last year but we switched her school and she finally has a small group of friends who accept her as a lesbian but I don't know how they are going to react when she tells them today that she is a boy. Meanwhile the school is giving her access to the health room bathroom so she doesn't have to use the girl's bathroom... and bringing in a counselor to educate the teachers and parents on transgender. This seems so radical for a child that was into dresses and short shorts just last May. I'm so scared, upset and angry that I am being put into this situation even though I know there is no one to blame.

Mom2A, you're not alone. I felt punched in the gut when our daughter told us she was transgender too. I feel confident that she is just confused, but it scares me terribly knowing that she may eventually decide to permanently alter her body. My emotions are all over the map.

It seems like a lot of our kids have experienced bullying and aren't as socially adept as others. Throw in hormonal and other adolescent changes with the trendiness of being transgender and it is a recipe for disaster.

I am continually amazed at how accepting many adults in authority are. I know they don't want to be seen as bigots, but I wish they would open their eyes. There is an obvious trend here, especially in teen girls. School officials, doctors, etc. are blindly accepting their self-diagnoses. They aren't delving deeper to find out why they have come to this conclusion.

I have also found the 4thwavenow Wordpress blog very helpful. Hang in there!

Hi Mom2a and Alternatereality,
I couldn't have put it better myself, Alternatereality; it seems that the way things are today, with everyone being sooo PC, even professionals are too afraid of being seen as anti-transgender, to dare to disagree and get to the real cause/issue. I often feel that the Internet isn't good for children in these situations, especially teens, and especially those with Aspergers who are easily led and quickly obsessed/fixated on things. My dd's fixation stems from a talk at school where they talked about transgender issues and said that if you have this you are unhappy and hate your body. So she thinks to herself "that's how I feel so I must have this", no matter that I love wearing makeup and have a boyfriend and used to love wearing girly dresses. I despair of the system, but I've had some success in talking to her about what the real issues might be.

Alternatereality and Biscuitz72- Thank you so much for your validation. This is one of the worst things I've ever gone through- I feel like if she had cancer it would be worse but at least other people would understand why I can't eat, can't sleep and can't seem to focus on my job. My husband is CONVINCED that this is just a phase and we need to wait it out. However, I want to be supportive and not dismissive. She has not enjoyed becoming a woman but was always girly wanting to wear dresses and then watching youtube for pointers on makeup... All of this "I want to look like a boy" just happened in the last 4-5 months. She also believes she is gay (I say believe not because we don't support her but we think it is because she isn't attracted to boys so assumes that means she is gay- she says she thinks girls are pretty but doesn't want to do anything sexual with them). How can you be gay but want to be a boy? You are either gay or you are a boy that likes girls....

I also totally concur with the pressure from society that this is "cool"- she is obsessed with youtube videos and chat rooms where she connects with other kids that are LGBTQ and whenever we try to stop her, she changes her account name.

I tried talking to her without success and eventually I gave up. Later, I broke down, not realising that she could hear me ( I thought she'd stormed out of the house), and she came to see what was wrong and we got talking, properly talking for the first time in a long while, and I talked about how hard I'd found it when I was a teenager, etc, so I could relate to/understand her issues. She actually admitted that it could be other things causing her to feel this way and that she's willing to explore them. So there's hope for all our children as she's extremely stubborn, I've never got her to admit she could be mistaken before. Let's hope that she meant it and that your girls come to the same conclusion.

Biscuitz72- I'm so relieved for you. I'll keep my fingers crossed. My daughter spoke to my husband and admitted to him (although she still won't to me) that maybe she is just confused. I'm hanging onto that thread of hope....

Mom2a, I'm hoping she means it and isn't just trying to avoid talking about it. She first mentioned it about 8 months ago and the Internet usage has made it worse because none of the people she's spoken to have really questioned her feelings, they've just encouraged her, which is fine if someone really has this condition, but it's very rare, and teens are often confused/unhappy with the changes that they're experiencing; it doesn't mean that they have this rare condition though. These people are like zealots, trying to convert everyone to their views, regardless whether or not it's the right thing for them. God help anyone who disagrees or questions it though; you're seen as a bigot/phobic, so many people are too frightened to question it. If my dd has issues I want the RIGHT help for HER, not just the latest trend.
I really hope that your dd comes to the same conclusion and isn't too pig headed not to admit it to you: it's a good thing that she's able to talk to her dad, and if she's already questioning things then I'd say that's a good sign. Keep strong and don't lose hope.

So glad to hear your daughters are admitting they have some doubt! Great news. Hoping that we all get through this with our sanity intact.

Mom2A--glad you found this group. I live in the US just like you and it seems this is definitely a trend in first world nations. I think we all feel and/or have felt the same emotions as you, especially when this just "doesn't feel right" and not because you are in denial but because it is out of nowhere and does not fit the child's background. I still get angry at times because I feel like I "shouldn't" have to deal with this. And then, of course, I feel guilty. I am in therapy specifically to learn how to deal with my anxiety over the situation.

My advice (not that I am an expert at following it myself) is to try to take it one day, even one moment, at a time. Letting our thoughts run to a future where our precious girls never figure this out and permanently alter their bodies does nothing but horrify us and doesn't help us deal with the present. My own therapist just this week told me I need to concentrate on fact that aside from being obsessed with us calling her by her preferred name and pronouns, she has done nothing to further this at all and it has been over a year. The most drastic thing that has happened was she insisted on a short haircut (she had beautiful blonde ringlets) and wound up with a head of frizz. Stubborn as she is, even she knows it was a mistake.

A good therapist can be quite helpful. We switched my kiddo from someone who just wasn't getting it and was overly "PC" as you mentioned. Be warned, though, even with a good therapist who sees a larger picture, this will not go away anytime soon. Nobody can force our kids to give up on this, all they can do is ask a lot of questions and try to get them to challenge their own ideas. My daughter has a high IQ but is definitely on the Autism Spectrum and when puberty hit that fact became evident and magnified all the normal teen angst x10. She is 15 now and I've been told by all professionals that all I can do is try not to make a big deal of it and remain calm. Trying to reason with her is just going down a rabbit hole because there is no logic to it. Like your husband, mine also feels it is just a phase albeit a bizarre one. A year ago I wasn't eating, sleeping, coping and now it is getting better. Hang in there and feel free to message me if you want to talk about how this presenting itself in the US.

Biscuitz72, AlternateReality, and JBro123- it is so amazing to have found other moms/mums who are experiencing the exact same thing with a girl. Everything you mention is like you are living my life- the hurt, anger, frustration, feeling that it is unfair that this is happening to you when other parents complain that they teen is rude but have NO idea what we are going through.

Thanks for your advice about a therapist. Our daughter (sorry but I can't call her my son) is in an intensive outpatient program because she was cutting herself. This is due to end in two weeks and then Friday we discovered that she has started doing it again (after 3 months without any self-harm). I'm so terrified for her safety but also angry that she keeps up a charade which her father is convinced is all a show because she is scared of being rejected by her new friends so she is acting out and testing them (and us). The therapy group referred us to a number of local social workers that specialize in LGBTQ issues. One of them appears to be a trans man based on his picture. We don't want to send her to them, not because we don't support her, but because we think she is confused and doesn't need someone encouraging her down this path if it is not real.

I wish I had a crystal ball to see that she is safe, well adjusted (and what gender) in 10 years. For now I can only hope and pray that she gets the help she needs to make the right choices and not harm herself further

mom2A, just my 2 cents, but I REALLY recommend screening the therapists before letting them talk to your daughter. The right therapist can help get to why your daughter feels drawn to be the opposite sex. The wrong therapist may convince her to go the route of hormones and surgeries without considering the reasons she came to this conclusion.

My daughter is on her second therapist (the first one likely did more harm than good). The second therapist has been a big improvement. He is a child psychologist, working with a variety of children's mental health issues. We found him by screening--having a parents-only session. I first asked him if he had noticed an increase in children identifying as transgender. After he answered yes, I asked him if he was concerned. He admitted he was greatly concerned and shared some research statistics that made me realize he knew his stuff. He works at a Children's Hospital (yep, I'm in the USA as well) that has a gender clinic. I don't know how unusual it is to find a therapist with an open mind in close proximity to such a facility.

From what I have read, you may want to avoid people that bill themselves as "gender specialists." And, sad to say, but anyone that has "transitioned" themselves is going to be biased. I think you are right to be wary. Trust your gut instincts.

It does sound like you need her to see someone, though, and I wish you luck finding a therapist who will really help her. Hugs to you. Hang in there!

Alternatereality, that is good advice you gave on finding the right therapist and I am glad you found a child psychologist who is wary and cautious as this seems to be on the rise.

My daughter has not specifically mentioned gender issues for awhile (although she is still policing names and pronouns) but she has been in a down mood overall and one thing I have noticed is that when she feels low, she speaks in extremes about everything and plays the victim card. Honestly, I don't know what to do with her because she sees everything in black and white and only researches things that bolster her feelings. The list of self diagnoses is getting quite long.

JBro123, sorry your daughter is having a tough time lately. Sounds like she is searching for something to blame as the reason she feels bad (likely what is normal teenage angst). I think having access to the internet can be a wonderful thing, but obviously it can lead confused and naive teenagers to come to the wrong conclusions. Its surprisingly quite easy to become somewhat of a hypochondriac (speaking from personal experience here).

Currently my daughter acts angry a lot. Even when she gets her way, she has the infuriating ability to focus on some slight negative aspect and still feel shafted. It is hard to deal with it. I am assuming that this is typical teenaged behavior (don't know since she is our oldest). Layering her anger on top of this transgender issue has made parenting her even more challenging. We haven't had any conversations about gender lately (since she immediately gets defensive when the subject is brought up), but she is still presenting as a boy.

mom2A, here is a link to a blog post about cutting that I thought may be helpful. An excerpt: "self harm didn’t mean I was trying to kill myself. It allowed me to survive. It allowed me to moderate and purge very strong emotions that I couldn’t put into words." 4thwavenow.com/2015/08/17/self-harming-as-survival-not-suicidal-intent-in-dysphoric-young-women/

biscuitz72, glad that you had that productive talk and hope that things are still going well.

Alternatereality, I think your daughter's tendency to see the negative is normal for many teens. It kills me to see my child miserable and yet continue to keep doing things the same way but seeming to expect different results. I don't expect her to transform into Pollyanna but it would at least be nice to see some kind of acknowledgement that she needs to practice more on her internal dialogue and that at a certain point, you have to take ownership of some of your situation and utilize the tools presented.

AlternateReality- I actually work near Children's Hospital (the DC one). Would you suggest calling them for a referral to someone closer to my home (since it will be hard to get home then drive back into the city with my daughter every week). Perhaps we could meet sometime and support one another.

We had a family session last night. Overall it went pretty well and our daughter said she is not "sealing the deal" on whether she is a boy or girl but was wearing lip gloss and mascara at the time. Plus the last two days she has worn a sweatshirt (albeit black) instead of her usual flannel shirt- I know, I'm grasping at straws. While the therapist said there is a good possibility that our daughter is confused, she also said that the literature indicates that trans kids often go through different stages including flipping back and forth on behavior as they try to decide who they are-- my husband was livid as he thinks she is perpetuating a lie and I was upset that she was dismissing all of the signals we had received over the past few days. The therapist indicated that we REALLY need to find someone with LGBT training- I don't know if I agree. What does everyone think? Wouldn't a good therapist be able to meet our daughter where she is rather than push an agenda one way or another?

JBro123- hang in there. I can't stand that my sweet daughter is loving one minute and angry, obstinate and insisting we call her by her gender neutral name the next minute. Half the time I want to pull her on my lap and "make everything better" like when she was a little girl and the other half the time I want to shake her and ask why she is torturing our family.

Hi all,
Jbro: that's one of my biggest fears with this issue; that they go through all of this; take hormones, damage their bodies irrevocably, have surgeries,etc and then 5 years down the line they're still unhappy and realise it wasn't the answer, but it's too late, the damage is done.
Like all of you, I don't think this disorder is the right answer for our daughters' issues. I think a lot of it is just down to teen angst, (I'm not meaning to trivialise this, it can be very painful, but it's normal) coupled with Aspergers, etc.
I do agree that the Internet can be very useful, but in this case I think it's doing more harm than good, as our children are only looking for stuff that supports them; they aren't carrying out proper/unbiased research or questioning what else could be making them feel like this, and that's what's scary.

It's all quiet on the front here atm, she came home yesterday and told me a boy she likes has asked her out, so maybe that's progress. She was trying to bind herself by wearing 3-4 tight sports bras at the same time, and I explained how damaging it might be longterm. It took her a few days but I noticed yesterday that she was only wearing one, so again, I'm hoping that she's been thinking about our talk, and it's progress that I'm seeing. I do try to avoid having things on the TV that might start this back up, eg, "I am Cait" or whatever it's called ( I've always been particular about what they watch, so that's no different).
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you all, in the hope that our dd's realise that this isn't the answer BEFORE they do anything that's irreversible.
I'm glad that I found this forum, as I was feeling so alone and burying my head in the sand; pretending it wasn't happening. Thanks to everyone here I found the courage to face it, and to talk to my dd again with some success.

Biscuitz72--I personally think any positive behavior that seems more aligned with with her true nature is something to be savored. While they keep flip-flopping all over the place it all seems to be more consistent with confusion more than anything else. Hang in there!

Mom2A and AlternateReality--I am in the DC area as well. As I mentioned in my previous posts, her first therapist was not a good fit. I feel he only saw me as a hysterical mom in denial and after almost a year of seemingly agreeing with me, he decided she was going to permanently identify as a gender of her own making. I found this especially upsetting and an irresponsible leap in judgement since her own child psychiatrist who provides the meds and is also in his 70's had told me that at this age these kids are still very fluid in their identities and he's seen this before where a girl has gender anxiety and she still winds up maturing into a woman who is comfortable in her own skin. He also said the media has a big influence on new cases.

As far as an LGBTQ therapist, honestly, I think that it comes more down to whether the therapist is open minded a a true professional who is of service to helping the client find their true selves and not beholden to any agenda. My daughter's new therapist is in her 30's and does deal with some transgender and gay teens. That being said, it was my therapist who recommended her and assured me she was not the type of person to jump to any conclusions. And he did tell that when he spoke with her upon meeting my daughter, she was in total agreement about all the Asperger's traits. My daughter seems to like her. I have not asked for any feedback since the therapist was very firm that she would not be disclosing anything to me unless my daughter was going to harm herself or someone else.

So, I do feel it would not hurt to have someone experienced with the issue provided that they are also open to the fact that this is a trending phenomenon and not all these kids are trans. Also, while I am no expert on psychology, I truly do not believe that it just pops up in adolescence with no earlier signs. When her first therapist suggested I was maybe not picking up on it it really offended me as I know it was just not there.

Don't have time to write much now but just got this in an email. Couldn't believe how timely it was as I've spent hours today trying to find someone who might be the right "fit" for my daughter as she is discharged from her intensive program.

4thwavenow.com/2015/09/29/guest-post-tips-for-parents-on-finding-a-therapist/

I read through this Mom2A and she had good tips. Unfortunately, in our case, the former psychologist was 76 years old and classically trained but not keeping up with current trends and how it is all over the Internet. The advantage of the new one being a young woman is that she is a) in tune with fact this is a newish trend and b) has been a 15-year-old girl. The old guy actually said one of the things that made him think my daughter was expressing her real self (non female) was that she hated her breasts and that was not "normal". While it is obviously part of the issue, hating the changes in one's body does not mean they need a new body!

Good luck with the search for the right fit and keep us posted, please!

I'm so glad I've found this thread, you all seem to be talking about my DD: 14, clever, has been bullied, suffers from anxiety, panic attacks and low self esteem, has been with CAMHS for a while. In the last year or so she has first come out as bisexual, then pansexual, then gender fluid and wanting to be called "they", and now she's told me that she thinks she is transexual. I was kind of expecting it, as she had seemed very unhappy for a few weeks and had something to tell me that she couldn't, and had been talking about binders and wanting boys' clothes.

It's been a relief of sorts reading all your posts as I feel less alone (I'm a single parent and I don't feel there's anyone I can talk to about this).

My DD hasn't told her CAMHS counsellor about this, but I am encouraging her to do so as I feel that he needs to know in order to be able to work with her. Also I'd like to ask him about a referral to the Tavistock Clinic. DD has spoken to her school's counsellor and is seeing her again today so I will call her a bit later.

I'm feeling very confused about all this, I do want to support her but don't want her to make a decision she might later regret. I've bookmarked all the links that have been posted on this thread to read later.

Welcome GreenMouse. I personally feel your pain. My daughter went through the same process of gay then gender fluid then trans male and is now saying she is confused. I hope against hope that she decides she is a girl (I would prefer for her to be heterosexual as it will make her life easier) My husband is convinced she is a girl but I feel like he is pushing her and she might "dig in her heels" just to assert her independence. We both believe she has identified as transgender as it is a very accepting and welcoming network of people and after years of bullying she is angry, hurt, anxious (not to mention diagnosed with anxiety, depression and possibly ADHD and/or bi-polar). Yesterday she told me she wants to buy a chest binder on Amazon using her birthday giftcard. I made the mistake of telling my husband who confronted her. This led to a very tearful, angry night where- of course, I was the culprit for (1) betraying my daughter's confidence (2) not telling my husband that this was confidential. Why is it always the mother's fault?

JBro123: Thank you for the advice about a therapist. I spent an hour pouring over social workers that are within driving distance of us. Some are covered by our insurance and some aren't. I have been focusing on females because that is who she has seen in the past. Her current therapist (in the intensive program) is REALLY young and we both think she lacks the training (she has basically admitted this herself) to understand that this is VERY likely a phase as our daughter tries to adjust to puberty. I recall hating my hips and avoiding tight fitting pants or skirts for years. I also remember wondering if I was gay because I wasn't yet attracted to boys and thought some of my friends who were girls were "pretty". I keep hoping that this is correct and my daughter will realize she is a girl and let me use the appropriate pronouns again.

As far as therapists, how many do you think we should talk with? I'm going to schedule some meetings with a couple next week but how will I really know if the therapist is a fit for my daughter until she actually meets with my daughter? Just because I feel a therapist seems to have an open perspective and a calming demeanor doesn't mean my daughter will also feel that way.... I have so much guilt about all of the bullying she went through at her previous school that I REALLY want to make sure the decisions I make going forward are right for her.

Welcome to the group, GreenMouse. My daughter has had shifting identities as well. Some day I hope she can learn to be comfortable in her own skin, just be herself and not worry about a label. I wish you luck.

I read the link about the tips for parents on finding a therapist. I must say that the therapist we have had success with matches up with what Lane is advising--an older male, classically trained therapist.

The first therapist my daughter saw that wasn't a good match for us was a woman (looked like she was in her 50s), but had a strong Social Justice Warrior attitude. I agree with JBro123, though, that a good therapist should have knowledge of the transgender trend and not discount the influence of online transgender propaganda.