My 14 Old Daughter Says She Wants to be a Boy

[Somebiscuits]

I have a dilemma. My daughter has expressed her dissatisfaction with many aspects of femininity before - periods for instance and the fact that women do not have true equality with men- and I have been very sympathetic. She doesn't like having breasts and quickly went from wearing ordinary bras to wearing sports bras. That was okay too.I suppose I was waiting for her to accept that she was growing up and mature a little bit.

However, recently she has announced that she has body dysmorphia and wants to be a male. She has asked to see a counsellor and last night asked me to buy bindings so she can flatten her breasts completely. I refused because I believe this could permanently damage her - she's still growing after all. She flew off the handle and now I don't know what to do.

The thing is I am pretty liberal and accepting and I would accept this more if she had a history of dressing or acting like a boy. She hasn't and has an interest in girls things like make up, hair and clothes. She is not gay. Her dislike of being female seems more to do with the physical and social aspects than a deep feeling that she was born in the wrong gender.

All this has left me very confused. I'm loathe to start her on counselling for fear she'll end up going down a particular path which I am not at all convinced is the right one. On the other hand I want to support her and the best I can for her while she finds out about herself. What should I do?

Kill that man. Kill him. Trans is in no way autism. That man is utterly disgusting.

Sorry for my last comment that was an accident.... lol I was copying something and I accidentally pressed paste.

I'm not sure who you're directing all that at, Afriendlyspider, but it's hardly supportive.

I was wondering how everyone was doing. I am new here. My 16 year old daughter has recently claimed she is transgender. Just out of the blue, with no background to suggest this may happen. She displayed no distress about being female when she was younger. No tom boy tendencies either.

My daughter is stressed, I am stressed. I can't seem to stop searching for answers online. Have done a million google searches. I came across this website, which I thought may be helpful to others (I know it has been helpful to me).

4thwavenow.com/2015/07/03/kingpins-of-pediatric-transition-confess-we-have-no-idea-what-were-doingunf/

really helpful, thank you, have shared. Waiting on CAMHS and will see what they make of it...will request Autism spectrum assessment and related help if relevant although fully realise that gender dysmorphia can co exist and may need a separate approach. Has been interesting (after finished crying at the shock), have realised have brought her up in a relatively gender neutral enviro (train sets and fairy wings) and we're pretty neutral ourselves...wonder about toxic femininity on internet...but side show maybe. School starts soon...

Be aware that gender reassignment issues are very prevalent in the news at the moment and may sometimes be confused with general identity development issues amongst young teenagers.

Greenseaandspray wishing you strength to get through this. This is the hardest thing I have dealt with as a parent. I literally feel at times like my daughter is disappearing before my eyes. Very heart-wrenching.

BoffinMum thanks for putting it in perspective. Even though it is doesn't make sense to me why being transgender would be trendy that is what appears to be happening. I know my daughter seems to have gotten a lot of information online. She mentioned Tumblr and Youtube transition videos. Wanted me to educate myself by reading and watching videos. I think she realizes now that my education has taken a different turn than she would have liked. All the research I have done leads me to be very cautious. The risks of hormones and surgeries scares me greatly.

mariacatt.com/embarcadero/

found this helpful.

trying to organise acceptance at mixed school before term starts. CAMHS have taken all on; individual support, back up with school, AS assessment and ref to Tavistock. How amazing for an under resourced statutory provision. Very kind and comprehensive initial assessment.

child happier but alone... felt our little family came across as very fragile and isolated, we as parents felt completely drained after.

Good luck everyone. If you're interested in forming a smaller; off mumsnet group to compare notes as mums/dads please get in touch

Thanks for the link greenseaandspray, was helpful. Glad to hear that your child is a bit happier and that you now have some support. I know what you mean about feeling completely drained.

Another link I found helpful. This is from a woman who was confused about her gender from a young age. As an adult, after a diagnosis on the autism spectrum, she comes to realize that her gender confusion was basically a side-effect of how her brain was wired. Part 1 of a 3 part series. Very well written.

musingsofanaspie.com/2014/11/19/at-the-intersection-of-gender-and-autism-part-i/

Will try to contact you (hopefully I will be able to figure out how).

Food for thought:
www.wsj.com/articles/paul-mchugh-transgender-surgery-isnt-the-solution-1402615120

Thanks for sharing these articles. For many of the adolescents here I think these explanations probably hold true. My own daughter insisted she wanted to change her name to the masculine version of her same name on school documents. We told her we supported her but that she needed to investigate the process for herself: we were not going to do it for her. We are now 3 days into school and she seems to have decided not to do it, just going with her abbreviated nickname. In our situation we have found that not discussing or challenging her feelings in depth and just accepting things for how they are at he moment (the only consistent thing in her behavior is the inconsistency) seems to be the best way of dealing with it. We don't ignore the subject, we just listen, acknowledge her feelings and move on. Aside from her obsession with pronouns, and not wanting to be called her full birth name, she presents the way she always has. The more I learn about Asperger's in girls, the more I see that as the underlying reason she is so uncomfortable with this stage of life. Add the fact almost teens have adolescent angst and you have the perfect recipe for extreme confusion.

I wish that I had a better game plan for dealing with my daughter. When she "came out" we were supportive. She was very distressed. We told her that we believed her pain/discomfort. Tried to tell her that she may be confused as to the reason for feeling this way, though. I have come to realize that challenging her belief (no matter how convincing I believe the evidence to be) needs to be done less confrontationally. This is easier said than done, though, and I know I haven't achieved the right balance. Wish there was a "How to..." on this. Definitely feel like I am stumbling around.

I try to remember that adolescence is a time of great flux. That it is normal for them to explore different identities. Here is a link where some adults have posted their strongly held beliefs/identities they had as teenagers (some of them are quite funny): www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/3hg3hn/reddit_what_was_your_its_totally_not_a_phase/

Be wary. Many kids pick up stuff from the media and convince themselves they want things they really don't. Take her to counselling before you make any decisions

Alternatereality--Go easy on yourself. This is uncharted territory for us and it is difficult to know how to respond. After dealing with this for over a year (with lots of flux in between) I am finally accepting the fact that trying to discuss her feelings rationally is a dead end lose-lose culmination. I wind up frustrated and lose my patience and she feels like I am invalidating her feelings because I just don't want to accept them. In my own therapy I've learned that it doesn't matter if we as mothers are "right" in our perception, the kids have to figure it out on their own and explore the identity to the extent they want to. It is the only way they can learn about themselves and where their boundaries are. It terrified me when my child said she was going to contact principal to get name changed on school paperwork. And it was really hard for me to act like it was no big deal and to give her my blessing. My irrational anxiety was telling me that if I did not save her from herself she'd float away forever. Well, couple weeks later she had decided not to pursue it. I think taking the rebellion off the table and not making a big issue out of it has helped her to realize she is the one making the decisions regarding how far she is willing to go with this; she cannot say we are impeding her.

MaryJ79--you are absolutely right that media saturation over this subject is having an influence. A decade earlier our kids would have attached their angst to something else. Obviously there are transgendered people and they deserve compassion and support as do our children, it is just that the number of people for whom this is something innately permanent is small. Proceeding with caution with the right therapist is ideal.

JBro123--thanks for your response. I'm feeling pretty sad today. She has a formal event to go to this weekend, but is very adamant about not dressing feminine. A lot of drama. Don't care what she wears to school every day, but would like her to compromise a little for formal occasions (it feels more respectful to me). You are right, trying to reason with her doesn't work. I totally feel like I need to rescue her from herself, though. I need to figure out how to remove the rebellion part from the equation, but I don't really know how to start. She is incredibly strong-willed and oppositional. And, I am drained. I have two other children and I feel like I am being a lousy mother to them since all of my attention seems to be focused on my oldest.

Alternatereality-- I wish I could say you spontaneously acquire "the right" way to go about things but you don't. This is scary stuff. You want to be supportive but at the same time, you have a feeling it is not "right" because you know your child's nature and want them to see the light. But you cannot make them see it, they have to figure it out themselves and it is hard to watch them flounder and fail. Watching while cringing is the hardest thing I have had to do as a parent. As time has passed, I have been better able to concentrate on my other child (a son) and appreciate him without being constantly preoccupied with his sister.

JBro123, thanks for your guidance on this. Hopefully I will get better at this in time.

This is my first post on mumsnet. I'm so glad to have found this discussion. My dd is 13yo and has aspergers (already diagnosed). She's always been fairly girly in some ways (wearing dresses/make up/playing with dolls, etc) and still wears make up/nail varnish and spends hours on her shortish hair. She doesn't have many friends and has been bullied a lot. She's into art and always played with dolls/teddies as a child (and still does sometimes).
A few months ago she told me she feels like she should be a boy because she's unhappy with herself and hates the way she looks. She'd also been on YouTube, etc, and said that she must have gender dystopia as it said on there that that's how you feel when you have this. I talked to her and got her to explain everything to me and I said that although something is wrong if she's unhappy, I don't think this is the answer, but obviously she won't listen to me.
I'd like us to get counselling as a family but I'm worried that the way things are today they would be encouraging her to follow this path, rather than getting to the real root of the problem ( if it turns out she does have this gender dystopia then we'll work through it). I've tried to explain that preferring the company of boys and not enjoying girly talk doesn't mean she isn't one.
She's sorted out her clothes recently, but has kept several party dresses/summer dresses. She is overweight, which I know makes her unhappy and she hates having periods because she's embarrassed in case other girls tease her about it.

I want to help her but I'm not sure how. If she was really this way I think I'd have seen more clues before now. Even recently, she wanted to wear a dress for a party, and although she often wears jeans, her clothes aren't overtly boyish. She is attracted to boys as well. Shortly before this started she was being teased at school for looking like a boy after she had a pixie style haircut. If I really thought it was true I'd support her, but I don't want her to go along this route and later regret it. She's recently talked to her dad as well saying she felt I dismissed this issue when we spoke, but that she wants to talk to us and has been getting advice online.

I'm also concerned that starting on this path at such a vulnerable age when hormones are going crazy and the whole world seems confusing can't be a good thing. It seems so common atm, yet it's supposed to be quite a rare issue. It worries me that we can't really know if this is the right path and what if it's just a way of escaping from things that upset her rather than really being true iykwim.

How do I help her without pushing her into something or making things worse? It's almost like it's trendy to be different atm and I don't want her doing something for the wrong reasons. The few friends she's told have said things along the lines of "we always thought you were a tomboy so it makes sense, etc" and she's so easily led and then very bullish about things once she's made her mind up, that I worry she could go through this only to regret it at a later date when it's too late to change it. We also live in a very conservative, judgemental area and she's bullied enough as it is without giving them more fuel.

Any advice gratefully received. Thanks.

Oops, it's late and my auto correct keeps changing what I type (and I didn't notice all of the changes). That should say gender DYSPHORIA and not the dystopia that the auto correct replaced it with .

Please can you explain the link/the point about Aspergers and this issue. I would like to stop her researching on the Internet because she only looks at stuff that confirms her view, rather than being unbiased, and looking at sites to find out of it really is true or if there could be other reasons why she's unhappy iykwim. It's so difficult to know what the right thing is and she can be so oppositional/stubborn/defiant that it doesn't matter what we say to her, she will not believe us, although if a professional said it she'd be more likely to listen and take it on board. How do I find such a professional though? One that is unbiased and wants to get to the truth of the matter (whatever that may be) rather than just being politically correct and only exploring this gender identity route. I want one that will "challenge" her to explore other possible reasons for feeling this way as she doesn't really fit any of the criteria for GID (she finds the male form yucky, she does play with'girly' things, she wears make up, etc).

Any advice/support, even criticism would be much appreciated.

Biscuitz72-I know all the previous postings are a lot to wade through but I think you will find some answers there regarding how common this seems to be among some confused kids right now and there are also some valuable links regarding Asperger's/Autism and Gender Issues. You are right that these kids are impressionable but what I am realizing is that allowing them to explore this is not the same as forcing them into it. No amount of information (however logical) we throw at them is going to get them off this issue, they have to figure it out themselves. This is not going to be easy for her or you and I empathize. I still am not able to call my child by her given name or use female pronouns but if you read my post about the fact she did not go through with the name change at school, you will see that as a positive result of letting her explore. We are far from "out of the woods" but I am seeing small instances of progress and try to focus on those moments. As far as finding the right kind of therapist, ask for recommendations in your area. We live in the U.S. and the first therapist was a bad fit as he was in his 70's, did not recognize the media and peer influence, would not inform himself on this issue among girls with Asperger's and really did not know what to make of her. Her new therapist is female, several decades younger and "gets" the fact this is trending, and does see the Aspie traits and how they can be contributing.

Jbro, thanks for taking the time to reply. ..I thought I'd scared everyone off, lol.

I have read all the posts and looked at some of the links, but the ones I saw seemed to be saying that aspies have a greater chance of having this and want to do studies to prove a link between this condition and aspergers, whereas I think they're confusing the aspie mind with having this (being different and not downright girlie doesn't mean you're a boy). Unfortunately, having aspergers does mean you get fixated on things which is what my dd is doing.

I'm in the UK and people are so pc here that I'm worried that a therapist will go along with her rather than be seen as anti gender dysphoria.

You're right in that she needs to realise for herself that this isn't the answer, but how will she realise that if she only looks for things that reinforce her feelings.

I really feel for you and what you are going through, and although my dd doesn't seem so far along as yours (she hasn't asked to be called by a boy's name or he/him, etc), I can empathise with your situation and it really helps to speak with others going through this. I'm now trying to find someone she can speak to about this and I'd like us to do it as a family as I believe that part of her unhappiness really stems from her feeling that we don't love her (we have quite strict rules and we always end up bickering) and being bullied by other kids in the town where we live. I try my best, but like most, there's always room for improvement. Maybe having therapy could turn out to be a good thing in the long run and bring us all closer.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply. I look forward to chatting more with everyone

Biscuitz72:re exploring, trust me, I worry too! I just have to have faith that my kiddo is smart enough to figure it out (think of all the things we did/felt at the same age but learned on our own) ans accept the fact this will take time, not just days, weeks or months but probably years. And I doubt there will be an "a ha" moment. My child has gradually gotten to this point over the past couple of years (even though she only verbalized it a little over a year ago) and I think coming out of it will be a gradual process as well.
Maybe this link will be more helpful: www.tonyattwood.com.au/index.php/about-aspergers/girls-and-women-who-have-aspergers

biscuitz72, I don't have any answers as I'm in the same boat, but I wish you the best. With my daughter I did bring up my concerns about hormones and surgeries. I tried to take emotion out of it and just said that there were significant risks involved. Thankfully (and shockingly) she agreed. At the moment she seems content not to go the route of medical intervention (although since she lies, she may just be saying this to avoid further conversation).

We have let her wear "boy" clothes and get her hair cut short. We don't let her bind (also due to the health risks involved), but she wears a sports bra. We don't call her by a male name/pronouns.

We have her seeing a psychologist. If you go the route of therapy, I recommend screening the therapists since some will be VERY accepting of your daughter's self-diagnosis. They won't necessarily dig down deep into why she feels opposite to her own sex. Our first therapist, sad to say, probably did more harm than good by affirming our daughter's misguided belief.

I found the blog 4thwavenow.wordpress.com to be extremely helpful. She is a skeptical mother in our same situation. Lots of analysis of scientific research, sometimes has guest posts of parents, de-transitioned women, even a researcher and a psychologist. A lot of skeptical parents congregate there.

It sounds like we will be going through this for a long time. Hang in there.