My 14 Old Daughter Says She Wants to be a Boy

[Somebiscuits]

I have a dilemma. My daughter has expressed her dissatisfaction with many aspects of femininity before - periods for instance and the fact that women do not have true equality with men- and I have been very sympathetic. She doesn't like having breasts and quickly went from wearing ordinary bras to wearing sports bras. That was okay too.I suppose I was waiting for her to accept that she was growing up and mature a little bit.

However, recently she has announced that she has body dysmorphia and wants to be a male. She has asked to see a counsellor and last night asked me to buy bindings so she can flatten her breasts completely. I refused because I believe this could permanently damage her - she's still growing after all. She flew off the handle and now I don't know what to do.

The thing is I am pretty liberal and accepting and I would accept this more if she had a history of dressing or acting like a boy. She hasn't and has an interest in girls things like make up, hair and clothes. She is not gay. Her dislike of being female seems more to do with the physical and social aspects than a deep feeling that she was born in the wrong gender.

All this has left me very confused. I'm loathe to start her on counselling for fear she'll end up going down a particular path which I am not at all convinced is the right one. On the other hand I want to support her and the best I can for her while she finds out about herself. What should I do?

Hi all - only just spotted this thread, have been immersed in a similar situation to you all, just a bit further along. My DS is now commencing blood tests prior to starting testosterone, and is fully out as male, doing Alevels at college, changed his passport & is working through all his documents.

His dad has been hard work, a complete arse at times, really not accepting it all, which has been hard for DS.

The main thing I would say to those in the early days is get good support for yourselves, while being the support for our DC's. It can be bloody tough & it's ok to say it's shit at times, it's a situation not of our choosing,but we are forced to accept it in a way, and we transition with the kids!

Lightningsprite, I really appreciate you weighing in here! Do you have children? You have such a calm, reasonable perspective.

I think your parents handled your struggle with gender nonconformity beautifully. Honestly, with my child who is 15, I am more concerned with the language and how she wants to be called "they" (she rejects all female pronouns and references) and not by her real name, but a nickname than I am by her appearance which in reality is obviously female, despite her denial. One part of me feels it is no big deal and to just go with it for as long as it lasts and the other part of me feels like I am enabling delusion.

I very nearly cried tears of relief to have come across this thread!

My 14-year old daughter has just recently told me that she believes herself to be transgender. She told some of her friends and her boyfriend of six months before she told me. She even went online and purchased bindings with her birthday money without my knowing.

This all came as a huge surprise to me! She was a very girly youngster, playing with dolls and dressing up in my heels. No tomboy in her at all up until now.

She's now talking about wanting to be called by a boy name and she's already chopped off all of her hair.

Sorry to ramble, but I feel like I've fallen through a trapdoor to another world. I'm trying so hard to be supportive, but I can't help but feel it's a phase (something I've not dared say to her). And I'm scared of what she's going to go through as she starts high school in the fall. Not to mention how terribly hard it is to refer to my daughter, who I carried in my belly, and gave birth to and cared for all this time, as a he/him. I'm a mess of emotions and confusion right now. I'm feeling a lot of relief reading this thread and knowing that I'm not alone and she's not alone. Thank you.

You definitely aren't alone Rowan333. I think all of us moms are as confused as our children are at this point and we're all trying to take things one day at a time. Hang in there!

Pleased to find you, can't stop crying at the same. 14 year old, aspie traits, super smart, couple of friends but social life is male 23 to 35 You Tubers and I think she wants to join the gang. Told on return from school trip on Sat...the days the schools closed and s/he's at a single sex school with strict dress code. We did ask if s/he wanted to move to the grammar about six months ago but she said she'd just made some friends so please not to move her....in complete shock...no sign. Cannot cope with the brutality towards her physical self. Finding it impossible to call by her chosen male name. Just feel sick.

We've told her we love her and she's our child and that's all that matters and my tears are private. Dad in bits at the predicted abuse she'll experience. CAMHS appt coming up. Am struggling to keep it together at work. Empathise so much with the mum who talked about the child she carried. Brought her up to think she could do what she liked and how important she is as a high achieving girl...

I thought I'd try and add something useful Rudy Simone's book Aspergirls has a chapter on gender roles and identity: 'Our androgyny shines through our feminine shells. Many times I've been accused of being either a transvestite or a lesbian and that has also happened to my Aspergirl peers' (Simone R (2010) Aspergirls, JKP p 61) and 'I have never felt female or able to be 'one of the girls'. I actually feel as if I am half male and half female' (quote from a contributor p 62). I will ask for Aspergers screening and social skills training and ask DD to try and hold identity lightly for a while (although perhaps an impossible request of a teenager who is convinced and gaining comfort from it) before we get to the Tavistock. She has been rejected by many girls and this is survival I think... I don't think boys will be any more accepting.

greenseaandspray, I could have written your post apart from the single sex school!
Referrals have been made for assessment for Aspergers and the GIC.
I am very worried about what the future is going to hold for my teenager.
Everything takes so long, which is good in one way because at least the professionals are not rushing a diagnosis, but the not knowing what we are dealing with is hard to take.

Hey your duaghter/son sounds like a position im in id like to say what my parents did to surport me

tell your duaghter you will surport her go on as many trans websites in your area or mermaides for info boocklets try and get a'hold of "nhs guide for trans kids" it will educate you in what your child is going through it will explain binders, passing and T

Next if your there to surport them is get a nice haircut in the style they like, i looked up ftm haircuts on google and found one

i would also recomend a doctors apointment to help go see a specilist to help her/him get to the people he/she needs unfortunatly coucling may not help

Also i do NOT recomend binders as the eventually push breast tissue through the ribcage and when or if they have uptop surgery after it comes back through the ribcage giving them moobs two - three sportsbras work go out buy some cloths that your son/duaghter likes and ask them what there name is this is all i can think of at the moment of you would like to chat with me or have any questions you can email me at

[email protected]

It's good to know you're there, thank you for posting HappyAxolotyl. I'm not looking forward to the talk with her head...he thinks she's the bees knees but I really don't see how he can accommodate this.

That's really useful to know about binders Ryan14, thank you... however to be honest I don't want to know any more about the practicalities at the moment.

greenseaandspray, are the girls at your dd's school allowed to wear trousers? If so, I don't think they could discriminate against her as long as she is still physically and legally a female? Gosh, I don't know how that would play out.
My understanding is that the gender clinic will want to know the outcome of the autism assessment before embarking on any work with my dd.
My feeling is that she identifies with males because she has never identified with females.
I had little problem with the boys clothes ( my dd has never been into fashion or makeup, and prefers plain comfortable clothes), or even with getting her hair cut short ( she donated it to a children's cancer charity). I am, however, having big problems using male pronouns at the moment. I don't imagine I will always feel like this, but I am for now.
I have said "no" to binders already having done some research, and bought sports bras instead.
I thought I had dealt with pretty much everything as a parent, but this has knocked me for six. It is reassuring to see so many other parents in the same boat, although, like me, I am sure you wish you didn't have to be.

Great to see so much support amid so much confusion! My 13 year old DD has been under CAMHs for over a year now. It started with school refusal, self-harming and setting a date for her suicide. At this time gender did not seem to be an issue. Over this year she's had a psychiatrist, now has a child psychologist and Social Services became involved after she confided in Childline about her thoughts of suicide (it was a huge relief to discover that although Childline is confidential, if they perceive a 'real' threat then the Police are involved in notifying the parents).
She has had a few attempts at returning to school but is receiving Complimentary Education at home, so the pressure there is a little less.
Over the year she has confided in me, at first with gender confusion, but yesterday she told me (via a letter on my pillow) that she was transgender.
We have had loads of talks, recently, about different genders that she's identified with.. Lesbian, bi, gender fluid, but she now feels she's in the wrong body.
Like others on here, she has chosen a 'boy's' name, wears boy's clothes, had her waistlong hair cropped (it's also bright red now!) and has now suggested binding.
I feel like I've been hit by a tidal wave of information and don't really know what to do with it. Her dad wants her tested for Autism, won't talk to her about it and won't acknowledge it.
It's comforting to read others are in the same boat!

Euph I'm so pleased the suicidality was picked up and dealt with...how horrendous. DD expressed similar. I find myself angry with our media sodden age and at myself for not controlling what she was looking at more closely... I wonder whether we will do home education in the end. HappyAxolotyl sadly school is skirts only... have no idea how this will pan out. She's away for a while. She's said she can manage school... keep the act up I suppose but GCSE stress plus self social exclusion plus struggling with dysmorphia not a good place to be. Interesting articles in the New York Times www.nytimes.com/ ...a court case against other parents at school to be allowed to use the boys loos...what a nightmare.

Thank you all for weighing in here. I suppose a lot of research is in my future. It feels very daunting. My daughter has asked to be kept out of Physical Ed because of not feeling like s/he belongs in either changing room. And, honestly, here in the States anyway, I feel like it would put her/him in danger to use the male rooms.

My mother, her Nan, is being unsupportive and has even made some unfair and hurtful comments to her/him. We've only told a few family members so far because of this.

As scary and confusing this all is for me, it must be doubly so for her/him. My heart is breaking.

The gender neutral pronoun xe has been suggested.

thegavoice.com/video-parents-of-transgender-children-say-it-gets-better/

Maybe this will work in the US...it doesn't run on my computer.

...all the hair has come off except a bright red fringe. Serious and quiet.

I have a now 17yo transson that i am 100% supportive of. They have never been into wearing dresses or makeup or been interested in boys and is very much a tomboy. Kai has been suffering depression and had suicidal thoughts because they are so unsure of everything in his life. He has no friends and has been going on since he was 14. Last year he finally told me that he is a lesbian and was relieved more then anything for Kai to finally open up to me. She was dating a girl but ended badly. Self harming was and still is an issue as it seems to be a way for her to deal with issues in life. They have changed their appearance, male clothes, shaved off their hair and binding the chest. About 2 nights ago he decided to sit and talk with me about something and finally told me that he is no longer a girl but a boy. So we have looked at doing FTM treatment for him and im wondering if any other parents have put their transchild on Testosterone tablets and have they worked and not had any side effects? I am not against him doing this as this is who he is regardless of what sex they were born as. I love and support him in anyway i can. I have had my mother who isnt accepting and makes it known how she feels but its affecting my transson. We did have councilling for him through CAHMS but they kept stuffing us around so he is now seeing a private counciller.

greenseaandspray, I read the link. It is parents just saying "it gets better".
At the moment that is no comfort to me. It is like childbirth; platitudes are no help when you are in the midst of it!
The article from NYT was interesting and scary. Our poor children.

I am guilty of having never given much thought before to gender in anything but it's broadest terms. I supposed I never had to.
Knowing there are other families like ours out there that are going through the same things is a help.
My dd has settled down a bit. I suppose not having to go to school is a relief, and there have been no incidences of self harming.

Have you considered that it is not a phase? You are probably hurting him more than you know...... and no, binding does not effect your breasts if you do not wear it in your sleep. Please accept your child.

One last thing... While we all have to accept our kids no matter what, we also have to accept our own feelings. Being scared for your child, bewildered, a bit angry at having to deal with something you are unprepared for is normal. Pushing away those feelings and beating ourselves up over them doesn't help anyone.

My child's friend, another female of the same age (15) just "came out" yesterday as trans, says they want male pronouns and have 3 different male names they will answer to. Whether a phase or not, there is something to this epidemic of girls feeling they are really boys or "other". Yes, some will be transgender but some are not and at this point we don't know for whom it is temporary and for whom it is permanent. I don't think our kids know, either. They are very confused and legitimately uncomfortable, desperately trying to find their place in the world and define themselves. Either way, all we can do is try our best to offer care and support so they can figure things out on their own and it will probably take years. We also need to surround ourselves with adults who provide care and support. This is tough stuff and I think all of us moms want our kids to be happy but we're also terrified about them making huge, irrevocable mistakes, especially in cases where this new identity appears to come out of the blue.

I see the gender thing a bit differently to most, being a sociologist. I see a lot of it as learned identity, unnecessarily polarised and not sufficiently good at recognising a linear scale of gender, and the fact that gender fluidity may well be a natural part of growing up. I tend to advise young people with gender related concerns that a lot of it is society imposing views on them and that in 50 years time I reckon few people will care about gender in the way that they do at the moment. I advise them to be as relaxed as possible about identity in general, and just to take every day as it comes. I also gently discourage surgery on the grounds that putting yourself through painful medical procedures as a young person just because society wants to put you in a genital pigeonhole may not always be a good idea. This advice has gone down quite well but I think the gender concerns were comparatively minor. I am not sure how I would support someone who felt very alienated and distressed.

This post could have been written by me my 12 and 1/2 year-old is going through the exact same thing. We are being tolerant and patient letting her dress as she chooses (sweatshirt and yoga pants), and we let her get her hair cut short, but it is certainly a sudden change -- this from a girl who always played with American Girl dolls, Polly Pockets, and for a year in elementary school would only wear skirts and the color pink. I know it's a difficult time for her as well, but I can't help wondering if this is a reaction to the perceived injustice of being female and having to endure her first period (which happened around the same time as her sudden change), bras, changing body, etc. She seems pissed off at the changes her body is going through. :(

Rowan333, definitely feeling the same way! Hang in there -- you're not alone!