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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My 14 Old Daughter Says She Wants to be a Boy

409 replies

Somebiscuits · 03/05/2012 13:14

I have a dilemma. My daughter has expressed her dissatisfaction with many aspects of femininity before - periods for instance and the fact that women do not have true equality with men- and I have been very sympathetic. She doesn't like having breasts and quickly went from wearing ordinary bras to wearing sports bras. That was okay too.I suppose I was waiting for her to accept that she was growing up and mature a little bit.

However, recently she has announced that she has body dysmorphia and wants to be a male. She has asked to see a counsellor and last night asked me to buy bindings so she can flatten her breasts completely. I refused because I believe this could permanently damage her - she's still growing after all. She flew off the handle and now I don't know what to do.

The thing is I am pretty liberal and accepting and I would accept this more if she had a history of dressing or acting like a boy. She hasn't and has an interest in girls things like make up, hair and clothes. She is not gay. Her dislike of being female seems more to do with the physical and social aspects than a deep feeling that she was born in the wrong gender.

All this has left me very confused. I'm loathe to start her on counselling for fear she'll end up going down a particular path which I am not at all convinced is the right one. On the other hand I want to support her and the best I can for her while she finds out about herself. What should I do?

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 26/10/2017 06:27

@My2kids, the last few comments have some good resources on, and links to a current thread that will be more helpful to you.

CisMyArse · 26/10/2017 06:28

Sorry - only now my coffee brain is kicking in - I can see you're NOT in South Wales. Please - still re post in the feminist support section.

My2kids · 26/10/2017 06:51

Thanks. I will keep reading.

allatsea123 · 26/10/2017 14:10

So sorry to hear that you are in this situation. My daughter told me that she was transgender when she was 14, just over a year ago. I was in a state of absolute shock, have the school no compassion regarding your feelings? There is another thread under lgbt that I started called another teenage girl who wants to be a boy, there are some really helpful posts on there. Mumsnet has been a life saver for me.

Mdl248 · 27/10/2017 15:16

Hi,
Good to read I’m not alone, my 14 year old daughter told us she wanted to be a boy earlier this year. She’s self harming and making herself sick which we found out from school at the same time. It was a shock! She’s seeing someone at CAMHS and has been referred to the gender identity service. Her psychologist is pushing us to use her new name at home, I’m finding this hard and her stepfather is refusing out right. It’s got so bad that he is concidering leaving us if we change her name at home. He’s a generally loving man and handled her coming out as gay the previous year with ease, but this is something he says he feels is wrong. We have a toddler together and he will want 50% custody if we part.
I feel in an impossible position, like I have to choose between my husband and my daughter and if I suppprt her I’ll lose valuable time with my baby. Any one else had a similar problem??
Thank you x

Pansiesandredrosesandmarigolds · 27/10/2017 15:30

Is there scope for compromise? Agree that you’ll call her a gender-neutral nickname (maybe her initials?), that she can cut her hair/dress how she wants/buy clothes from the boys’ section.

In other words let her live out her adolescence as she wants, pronouns and all, but draw the line at surgery or hormones and (if it really is a sticking point for your partner) at having a male name.

The aim, I think, is to help her find a way of being happy within her body and words are useful here. Talking to her about being non-binary, gender-fluid, gender queer, a-gender might, in the end, help her get there without irreversible medical intervention.

Mdl248 · 27/10/2017 15:57

Hi,
Thanks for replying,
She has already cut her hair and I’d say she dresses very neutral anyway. She already has an established new boys name, her Dad, friends, psychologist and teachers use it. I even got a shock one day when we got a letter from CAMHS addresses to her using her new name. We’ve tried simply not using her name and using a endearment like ‘sweetheart’ but it’s hard work and I suspect not far enough for her or CAMHS.
My husband won’t hear of it being used in front of him or our son.
My daughters psychologist has requested a meeting with my husband and myself alone and I’m dreading it. A previous meeting on the same subject did not go well.
Thank you x

moomoogalicious · 28/10/2017 17:17

Second going over to the lgbt thread. It has really helped me.

(allatsea - hope you are ok. I haven't been on the other thread for a while. Will update when i get time)

allatsea123 · 29/10/2017 10:58

Look on the transgendertrend website and arm yourself with some good information. Talk to the psychologist and your daughter about the teenage brain and how it isn't fully functioning in an adult way until mid twenties. Our stance is that if as an adult she wants to transition we will support her but we feel watchful waiting is more appropriate now. Treat the self harming and eating disorders , acknowledge the gender dysphoria but not the trans identity. We haven't had to face the name change full on because she won't tell anyone else's but I am acutely aware of her discomfort with her name so either use a shortened version which I hate or more often just talk a bit louder to get her attention or look at her directly before speaking. I rarely call her anything, which is odd but works for me. This has had a huge impact on our marriage mainly because it is so all encompassing for me I have very little left for my husband. It will be really sad if we end up losing each other as well. I do really feel for you especially with a younger child involved.

PinkfluffySlippers63 · 31/10/2017 20:31

Mdl248 I really feel for you. I can offer no advice other than to say I am in a similar situation. My DD (13) wants to transition - she's waiting to see a counsellor so we're at the early stages. Unf.. it's really created a MAJOR rift with DH (her stepfather) me and her. I'm supportive, he's more cautious and she's an angry hormonal teenager. I feel like I'm caught between the rock and a hard place. Similarly I wonder if me and DH should split ???

Stopmakingsense · 01/11/2017 10:18

Pinkfluffy. You are certainly in a difficult situation. There is a difference between being supportive of your daughter and the difficulties she is facing, and being supportive of transition as a magic bullet answer to all her problems. Hopefully your DH is supportive of her as a child, even if he is not supportive of her transitioning?
It is really important that you both understand the big picture if you can - there is a massive increase in teenage girls thinking they are boys - it could be all sorts of reasons, any or all of - body hatred, social contagion, self -harm, undiagnosed autism, rebellion, not wanting to grow up, hating puberty, being cool, social contagion (check her social media activity, inc fandoms). You may well find there is a lot of common ground between you.

Look at this video (deals with teenage girls about 3/4 way in):

Good luck.

Liberta · 22/01/2018 18:53

Hi ladies,
I am very happy to find out here that I can talk about my situation and listen to you.
My 14 years old daughter is going through same stage. She doesn't want to be a girl and want to be a boy gay. We are parents from Past Soviet union and got freaked out when she hang out her letter to us.
Now we are visiting our pshycologist and trying to focus her on her art hobby and stay away from different group chats and transgender bloggers.

allatsea123 · 25/01/2018 23:00

Hi liberta, so sorry to hear you are going through this too. There is a lot of help and support on mumsnet and a lot of useful information. If you go to the lgbt section you will find all of the relevant threads. It sounds as if you have made a good start by limiting internet access and encouraging her hobbies. It is a very hard journey and we are just over a year into this with our daughter, but I would say to help yourselves by remembering she is a teenager and they say and believe many things at that age, most of which they grow out of. It is hard but tell yourself she probably won't transition to be a boy, it is most likely going to be a part of her development and she will change again as she gets older. Good luck

Liberta · 27/01/2018 20:29

Thanks a lot for your support!
It is so hard for you and for us to deal with it. You said to go to LGBT section and I got confused where is it? Here in mumsnet?
I would appreciate for any helpful sources about this topic.
Thank again🙏

Stopmakingsense · 28/01/2018 07:44

Liberta - welcome, you are not alone.
Check out Mumsnet Talk - Being a parent - LBGT children

Also www.4thwavenow.com

allatsea123 · 28/01/2018 18:29

Yes I was also going to say go to the discussion on lgbt children. Loads of info and just as importantly a space for you to realise you are not the only one going through this, so very supportive. It seems that 14 is a prime age for having these thoughts. Good luck

Unchartered123 · 08/02/2018 10:55

Hi everyone, I have been going through this (utterly draining issue) also with my daughter who has just turned 16 for 3 years. We have been on the waiting list for the Tavistock GID for nearly a year so our appointment is coming up soon. I feel really nervous about it and would be grateful if anyone here has had any dealings with them could share there experiences? I am very against any medical intervention for my child. Will they try suggest this as a treatment? and will they make us feel bad for not affirming? Will they offer therapy? If so, how often? And what is their approach?
I don't feel that a therapy session every 6 weeks is going to be enough) My child is currently in therapy and her mental health and body comfort seems to have improved as a result but the belief that she is a boy persists. Unfortunately this therapy is coming to an end so I'm wondering whats the next step?
Thanks for any insights.

allatsea123 · 08/02/2018 20:38

I am in the same position as you. We were referred in August and were told then the wait was 8 months, I think it is longer though. I am dreading going and keep hoping my daughter might change her mind, although I very much doubt it. I did feel reassured after reading this article. They describe their services as treating gender dysphoria rather than necessarily a route to transition. When our referral was made I was given the form to go through and wrote on it that it was for talking therapies only and not as a route to transition. I think it is sbsolubtely right that you are allowed to say that. We are keeping our children safe until they are old enough and mature enough to make life changing decisions for themselves.

www.theguardian.com/society/2017/nov/19/nhs-clinic-trans-
rights-storm-gender-identity-specialist-centre-transgender?CMP=ShareiOSAppOther

I too would be grateful to know how others have found the experience. My hope is that they are skilled enough to really challenge my daughter and help her to unravel her thoughts and get to the cause of her feelings.

allatsea123 · 08/02/2018 20:42

Just tried that link and it didn't work. Go to the thread another teenage girl who wants to be a boy, page 8, near the top of the page on a post from stopmakinggsense . Hope you find it

Unchartered123 · 09/02/2018 09:40

Thanks Allatsea123 That article was very interesting and a little reassuring. Their approach does seem to be to slow things down. The percentage of kids having medical treatments does seem very high still though. It’s scarey.
We were not given any forms at CAMS to fill for the referal - we did receive confirmation in the post - addressed to my child using their male name:(
Interesting how they talk about the rise in female referrals in the article - they seem to not publically engage with the idea of internet contagion. I suppose that perhaps that might come across as diminishing the sufferers experience. Current therapy approaches seems to be very much client led so that kind of conclusion must be reached by the individual. Lots of time and exploration would be needed for this - I fear the NHS just don’t have these resources.
Thanks again.
Do DM me allatsea123 if you feel like chatting. Sounds like we are in similar situation.

Liberta · 10/02/2018 04:34

I had a small talk with my girl yesterday and ask her straight questions
Why do you think to be a boy is suite to you? She said that first of all she does not like her breast and her vagina is too hairy. Than she said that it is boring to have a traditional relationship between girl and not. Then she said that she wants to support LGBT community and to be a part off it.
So I am lost again and heart broken.
Did you ask your DD this kind of questions?

allatsea123 · 11/02/2018 17:58

My daughter doesn't like t talk about it at all really. She hates her breasts and most of her body in general. She can't seem to put into words what it is she thinks to be a boy isapart from the fact that she would prefer a male body. She is not interested in masculine activities and says that is she was a boy she could still wearing make up ( although she doesn't at the moment anyway) . She doesn't seem to engage with what it is to be masculine only the physical aspects because she dislikes her body. I am trying to tell her that we believe all sorts of things when we are young, some of which we continue to believe and many of which we don't as we get older. I have tried everything to get her to rethink but feel that it has to come from her and that she isn't going to say to me guess what you were right but hopefully if I just leave things for a while she might just gradually come through this. It has been a year and a half now but nothing has changed as yet and we are in the same situation as when she told us. It is truely awful and scary. I really empathise with you liberta.

Liberta · 11/02/2018 19:10

allatsea123
I am very sorry to hear that, how come that it is hitting some girls so strong? I am always asking my self. Did I do something wrong that my kid doesn't want to be a woman and have kids and family?
We are not a perfect parents because we set up limits of using devices and make rules at home, and we ask to do homework and other things to help around.
And she said that she hates all rules and doesn't like us.
I am a horrible parent after all

Liberta · 11/02/2018 19:16

I also asked my DD to be discreet at school because of it's safety reasons, but she doesn't care much. I now from her friend that she is asking to call her a boy name at school. So scary for me of thinking what can happen in the future 😖😖😖

Unchartered123 · 11/02/2018 19:45

Please don’t blame yourself Liberta. None of us are perfect parents and none of us saw this coming! X