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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My 14 Old Daughter Says She Wants to be a Boy

409 replies

Somebiscuits · 03/05/2012 13:14

I have a dilemma. My daughter has expressed her dissatisfaction with many aspects of femininity before - periods for instance and the fact that women do not have true equality with men- and I have been very sympathetic. She doesn't like having breasts and quickly went from wearing ordinary bras to wearing sports bras. That was okay too.I suppose I was waiting for her to accept that she was growing up and mature a little bit.

However, recently she has announced that she has body dysmorphia and wants to be a male. She has asked to see a counsellor and last night asked me to buy bindings so she can flatten her breasts completely. I refused because I believe this could permanently damage her - she's still growing after all. She flew off the handle and now I don't know what to do.

The thing is I am pretty liberal and accepting and I would accept this more if she had a history of dressing or acting like a boy. She hasn't and has an interest in girls things like make up, hair and clothes. She is not gay. Her dislike of being female seems more to do with the physical and social aspects than a deep feeling that she was born in the wrong gender.

All this has left me very confused. I'm loathe to start her on counselling for fear she'll end up going down a particular path which I am not at all convinced is the right one. On the other hand I want to support her and the best I can for her while she finds out about herself. What should I do?

OP posts:
MomFromTexas · 02/03/2017 18:29

Dealing with the same issue here. 14 yr old suddenly said i was looking up transgender and want to be a boy and its acceptable now. However, in this case I think there was a trigger, a void - we took guardianship 2 yrs ago and celebrated with a dinner. Shortly after this, mental confusion arose with the idea of a dress-transition; she obviously misses her dad (mom diagnosed with mental issues) and started down a slow path trying to look like him to keep the memory alive, asked for shorter hair, we did that, then she wanted it shorter and shorter; I said no, you are setting yourself up for serious bulling. Dealing with her depression, anxiety, and mood disorder diagnosis. Counseling tomorrow to unwind a few other issues. Hoping for the best.

Stopmakingsense · 03/03/2017 22:30

MomfromTexas - hope things are going ok. You are not alone - it sounds like your child has had a lot to deal with. It is good that you are getting help for all her mental health issues, I think identity, or lack of it, may have a big part to play for some young people. We think our's may have undiagnosed autism, doesn't really know where she fits in, so thinks she must be male. Like you, we are hoping that skilled help will be available to help her figure herself out, whatever the outcome. Not hormones and surgery as the first port of call. All the best Flowers

dysongirl · 04/03/2017 18:13

Oh my god you have described exactly what i am going through with my 16+ Daughter
Same situation and only came out as being trans 2 years ago
Hair cut short and wearing boy's clothes?!
Diagnosed with Asperger's a year now
What is it?
The internet has a lot to do with it.

justSomeGuyYouKnow · 09/03/2017 21:45

Hi Dysongirl. Know how you feel with an almost 18 year old daughter who came out as trans (non-binary?) two years ago. That said, I have to say I am glad the internet is there as it gave them a vocabulary and ideas to work with.

Personally, I don't think that if we hide all mention of the idea it will go away. But then again, where we are in the UK is very conventional and its not like we have groups of kids all deciding to become trans at the same time - something I hear about online from some people in the US.

As for the aspie thing, having another child on the spectrum makes me wonder about the link - as do many other parents in the support group we go to.

Good luck - and II hope your daughter gets the time and space she needs to work out things for herself.

dysongirl · 14/03/2017 20:28

Thanks for replying Just some girl i know
Still figuring out this site
I think because of the Asperger's she/he is so convinced that she is a boy
We just want her to be happy so we go along with her

GallopingMom · 17/03/2017 19:53

I also have a 14 year old DD who wants to be a man. I have found this blog an invaluable resource for educating myself about this issue: 4thwavenow.com/

Jxrdan16 · 27/03/2017 22:05

Talk to her/them/him about all th different genders they can chose there's not just 2

allatsea123 · 20/04/2017 10:28

We are also going through the same thing with our daughter who told us last summer that she is transgender. It has turned my world upside down, try as I do I can't understand it. She has always been a typical girl, a bit of a Tom boy in year 5 but a very feminine character, no typical boy interests or traits. We are seeing a counsellor for Cbt, CAMHS for an eating disorder, brought on by wanting to change body shape and considering a referral to the Tavistock. Our lmost recent appointment with the counsellor was difficult and there were a lot of tears afterwards. Apparently the counsellor said to my daughter that it must be difficult for her as she is not masculine in any way ( in her appearance, apart from her clothes and relatively short hair) This is true and she found it really difficult to have someone say that to her. I am not entirely sure of the context and so don't want to be overly critical of the counsellor. The counsellor has asked her to makes notes of times and situations that are difficult over the next week, hopefully with a view to giving her some strategies to deal with them. I had a long chat with my daughter who says that she knows that she is very feminine, she doesn't have any typically masculine interests or traits and has no desire in developing them. She is ok with being feminine but doesn't want a female body. I am really struggling to understand this. Her dislike of her body seemed to start after it changed quickly after puberty. Is this an extreme reaction to becoming a woman before she was ready or is it true transgender? I really don't get how someone can be completely happy being a girl for fourteen years and then develop such extreme feelings. I feel if she changed her body she would then be a girl in a boy's body because she is so essentially feminine. She doesn't really want to identify as male except in body and even with this in mind is trying to increase her weight because of her ED, but which will make her look more female. I am very confused and finding the whole thing utterly exhausting. Any ideas anyone?

katronfon · 21/04/2017 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustDanceAddict · 21/04/2017 14:22

No idea allatsea - I have a non-girly girl who is very happy with her body.
Probably has something do with puberty in your DD's case - hopefully she will come out of the other side. DD wasn't keen on the idea of puberty but it wasn't a quick change so maybe that's why she was ok with it?

Artmom · 06/05/2017 13:27

I'm new to this thread and website. I googled
"My daughter wants to be a boy" and found out his. I was drawn to this forum for the honesty all of you have shown. I'm from the US and this country had become so politically correct, you're considered a bad parent if you even question your child's thoughts and feelings. Or suggest that social media and the internet have influenced your child. I've read everything written in this thread, and I could have written many of the queries. Especially the one where one mother said she and her child were watching reruns of "Fraiser"!!! We are!!! If I'm too late to the party, could someone direct me to a more up to date thread? I know this one was started a couple of years ago and kept going by some very brave me mums. Thanks to you all.

Artmom · 06/05/2017 13:43

Allatsea123,
I could have written what you wrote! Except that my daughter isn't presently in therapy. We're in the middle of a move to a new state, and I've been researching therapists there. My daughter really wants to see one. Her wanting to become a boy came out of left field for her father and I. I'm the one she talks about this with the most.

Like your daughter, our daughter started feeling dissatisfaction with life came when she developed breasts at age 10 and intensified when she got her period at 11.

How is your daughter doing?

Stopmakingsense · 07/05/2017 21:09

Artmom - look at the LGBT children thread in the Being a Parent Section. Also Feminism Chat.

Artmom · 09/05/2017 11:28

Stopmakingsense, thank you so much!

allatsea123 · 09/05/2017 22:52

Hi Artmum, sorry it's taken a while to respond. I am sorry that you are in this situation as well. I have started another thread called "Another teenage girl who wants to be a boy" and there are some very insightful responses on there. Thank you for asking, my daughter is sort of ok. Although one of the hardest things is seeing her generally unhappy, she is not the happy person she was this time last year. She rarely talks about her gender dysphoria, partly I think because she knows I find it hard and also because she doesn't want to. I had a chat with her counsellor who feels that this is very much about her weak sense of identity, she doesn't know where she fits as a girl so the logical response is to be a boy. I think this as well especially as she has no interest in having friends who are boys or participating in more masculine activities/ interests. She is very lost to herself and the counsellor is working on developing her sense of self worth. She has obviously said that if this does persist then I just need to be her mum whatever and of course I agree with that. It's the uncertainty that I find difficult to manage. I hope you are finding some useful and supportive information on mumsnet.

Artmom · 14/05/2017 07:37

Allatsea123,
The phrase you used, "she is very lost to herself" is so spot on. I hate seeing my child unhappy as do we all. Thank you for responding. Am looking for your new thread. And I so agree, the uncertainty is so hard for both her father and I. Thank you again.

Artmom · 14/05/2017 07:46

Allatsea123,
I cannot find the thread, "another teenage girl who wants to be a boy". I put it in search, but cannot find it. Help!

hullywully · 14/05/2017 07:54

Hi there, just thought I would add my experience if this. My children are babies (1&2) but I have been teaching teenagers for 10 years and I can honestly say the last 3-4 years I have never seen so many people unhappy with their sexuality/gender. We have roughly 2/3% 'gender fluid' in our school of 600 pupils. It is becoming increasingly common for girls to wear the full boy school uniform and have girlfriends. Having seen this for a few years now I can reassure you that my pupils who are now 18-20 and were gender fluid have reverted back and say it was a weird 'phase'. Teenagers are wonderful, brilliant and exciting little adults who don't really know who they are and what they want just yet. Embrace the fact your child has the courage to be different and has the self-belief to follow this through. That level of independence and assertiveness is a credit to you as parents; you've clearly done something right. To end, although they want to do it now, things will and do change further down the line BUT if it doesn't then embrace it. What wonderful little adults you all have. Xx

allatsea123 · 14/05/2017 16:22

Hullywully, reading this made my day, thank you so much 😃

hullywully · 14/05/2017 21:45

That comment made mine :-)
Unique and confident individuals are the Ines who experiment. I would be over the moon if I managed to bring up two girls who had that confidence, self-awareness and courage.
Btw- like I said, not one of them if still gender fluid! Yes they cut all their hair off, dated and experimented having sexual encounters with girls and wore male uniform for years, but now.... nothing. Who can say they ever tried all that by the time they were 17??? Not me. They've lived more than me Smile

user1487175389 · 14/05/2017 21:53

Buy her some books. Seriously.

I wish to God my mother had bought me the following when I was your dds age, so that i hadn't had to stumble through the next 20 years with no feminist guidance:

The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf.

The Feminine Mystique by Betty Freidan

The Female Eunuch by Germaine Greer

And that's just for starters. Basically give her the tools she needs to understand both the untapped potential of womanhood and that she's far from alone in her struggle with that set of limiting stereotypes and patriarchal bollocks we now call gender.

user1487175389 · 14/05/2017 22:18

Also, while I wouldn't want to diminish anything you and your dcs are going through, if I'm ever in this situation I hope I'll stick with a scientific, logical approach to the situation:

'Whatever the Tavistock counsellor says, playing with spiderman has nothing whatsoever to do with being male'.

'Gender and sex are completely different, so while you might become more masculine in your appearance, you will never, ever be a man. Sorry, but thats just the way life is, and life is full of harsh facts'.

'Drugs and surgery may leave you in a situation where you end up infertile or in a biological no man's land. Decisions you make now will have lasting repercussions, so think hard and choose wisely.

'Being a woman is often fucking awful for many reasons, not least of all because of a misogynistic and patriarchal economic system that creates massive insecurities and then exploits them for the financial gain of a few (mainly) rich white, men. I completely understand why you'd want to opt out of that, but I want to prove to you that you can be both a woman and a strong, dissenting, courageous individual. You don't have to be limited by the image other people try to sell you. I don't 'feel like a woman' - I never have done, but I am one, and I'm not limited by it in any way. Not since I got wise to the way the system is rigged and decided to set my own rules and make myself happy'.

JBro123 · 10/06/2017 02:06

Hullymully and user1487175389---you made my night. My daughter is about to turn 17 and this has been going on 3-4 years (initial signs of depression and dysphoria for 4 and stating gender dysphoria and "not feeling like a girl" for about 3.

I was looking for some hope this evening as I feel like this will never ever end. Thank you for giving me a glimmer.

Northgal · 13/06/2017 20:13

I'm sorry to ask and I know this is a very old thread but how are things with your daughter now? My daughter is 13 and we are going through a lot of the same.

MamaT2017 · 14/07/2017 14:13

Somebiscuits...my daughter just informed the family last night that she was identifying with as a boy (I don't really know all the terms so please forgive me and please all know that I do not mean to be offensive if I say something wrong). How did everything turn out 3 years later for you. I am confused, concerned and just want to do what is best for my daughter. Thanks for all and any input.