How DO you get the message through to your teen that THIS IS IT they have ONE CHANCE to try their hardest at school

[cyb]

Because my D (nearly16) just does not get it.

La la la , yes I'll do it tomorrow, no on else is doing it, it DOESNT MATTER MUM, I've got ages before it has to be handed in, I'll do it when I've finished that other thing,I've lost the piece of paper la la la if I hear ONE MORE airy fairy wafty reason why she can't do her work .....

She's a clever girl, really clever and I think that's part of the problem, she can coast in subjects and do well but others are slipping.

She's part of an intervention programme her school have initiated to support girls who aren't achieveing their potential and even serious chats from head of years or Deputy heads only seem to elicit the same nods and 'yes I' will's' that never materialise.

TELL ME WHAT TO DO

It's an excellent grammar school :( you'd think that there would be decent kids there wouldn't you? but no, because the majority seem to be in fairly wealthy families, so anyone that hasn't got money is the 'lesser' person. He was even bullied when he started to have free school lunches this year 'poor boy, poor boy' :(

Well I've tried everything with DS1 similarly clever but just groans, says that's LONG mum, forbids me to talk to the school, ( don't worry I shall any day now and I did a lot last year, gained the name of 'legend mother' from his form tutor) whenever ask him to study. He got mediocre results in his GCSE modules for yr 10, repeatedly tells me he has no homework aaaaaaaaaagggggghhhhhhhh.
Part of the problem is that I've been out of work for over a year despite having o's, a's and a degree, husband is retraining (also despite having a degree) and DS1 probably wonders whether it's worth it.
They do get less interested in xbox, which he bought with his own savings. But other stricter parents' children frequently inhabit our sitting room to play with our ds's on x box. Both Ds's sensible about phones thank goodness, probably because their friends have got massive bills for so called unlimited texts and as far as the handsets are concerned they know that they will become targets for muggers if they have anything desirable.

Horse - my ds is also at a grammar, and I agree, loads of big money families. There are some ordinary ones like ours, aren't there any at his school?

HHH, I can at least safely say my dd is not being bullied because of "stuff" (not being bullied at all AFAIK)

she just wants it (and refuses to discuss why she can't have it)...it is purely self-entitled teenage bullshit which she absoolutely excels it...is there a GCSE to be had in that, I wonder

I am sorry your ds is having a rough time

My parents sat me down with monopoly money at that age and said right, here is your monthly wage (it was going on no further education), and then asked me to give them X amount for X (i.e. 360 for rent). At the end I hardly had anything. Then we did it again with money received from a college/university degree. Much different. It might not have sunk in as much as it should have, but did bring home the fact that you have to earn good grades to get into a good university and therefore get a good degree and get paid well. That and basically restricting my social life worked (I think)!

This is the reason why the education system sucks! When you are a teenager your head is simply not in the best place for taking life-changing decisions and understanding the things that matter in the grown-up world. In fact it is probably the worst time of your life for caring about anything that isn't immediate.

But it isn't her only chance. Life continues after school. There are other chances to get these exams and make choices. But I understand your frustration totally.

I've lurked on this thread on and off and just caught up. I just wanted to comment on the stuff thing SpringHeeledJack.
I think that if they've never had the expectation of being given everything they ask for they are more appreciative.
As to the 18 rated games DS1 is rather shy and reserved. DH thinks it allows him to swagger a little when he's shooting bad guys and playing unsuitable violent rubbish.

My father bribed me. It was the only thing that worked but it definitely worked

My parents let me fall.

Years later I went back, aced the course, did well at university and now doing my MA.

The ages we set out as crucial for the future are perhaps the silliest ages to do that, but there are always second chances. Always, if you want it enough. DH works AND studies FT, it's worth it to him.

We know ds1 is a lateveloper; we will mke the same effort to help him at uni or collee / other training whether he attends at 18 or 35 if at all possible.

Cattle prod works wonders

As others have said maybe she needs to get a McJob .... however this could backfire as teenagers who work can often afford better clothes/ phones etc. 'cos Mummy & Daddy are paying all the bills (remember the should I take some dole money thread).

My brother coasted all the way through to University, did no work there and it all ended in a bit of a mess. He got a junior clerical job in the civil service within 3 months he was applying for graduate entry to Law school. He is now a very well respected solicitor in his field.

I wouldn't bribe. They are doing it for them not you. It isn't going to work if they don't want to do it-better to leave it until they are ready.

Hmmmm

I've been thinking about this out n' about today

I've decided ds doesn't need stuff bribes. I do think he gets an ok stuff/nonstuff balance. I am wondering if- when he talks about getting an Audi ("they're siiiiiiick!") and insists Persil is better than Ecover, Jeremy Clarkson is "proper jokes", runs through the entire 'plot' of a video game, tells me all about xfactor, goes on and on about how the bestest holidays are sitting by a pool in Spain and not going anywhere, contradicts every last thing I say etc etc etc- he is probably trying to wind me up start separating from me and finding his own way

I need to find something else to get him to keep his momentum up.

and Horse- my ds sounds like a bit of a spoilt lazy bugger compared with yours. Hope yours keeps his momentum up. Can't believe that about free school meals- thought that sort of shite was over years ago

ps I am loving this thread. Have to say it's a bit more useful to me than dp, or ds's dad

thank you

oh and pps Horse- dp lost his job earlier this year. Ds did obligatory sad face, then brightened up instantly, saying "oooh! can I have free school meals?"- he's desperate to eat chips and Jamaican patties every day with his mates

doesn't have the same stigma at inner London comp, obv

AF - really feel for you. Reading your post made me wonder if what's stopping your dd applying herself is fear of failure? ie she's clearly on to fail because of lack of work, but my dh (talking to my dd) was saying recently that as a teenager he didn't apply himself because he didn't want to have tried and failed, and thereby prove he couldn't do it - it was easier to not try very hard, scrape by on natural ability and maintain his hope that he would be rather good - if only he worked. Of course this wouldn't have occured to him consciously at the time. His parents didn't push him either. (FWIW, he did end up getting far lower grades at GCSE, A Level etc than he should have done, and ultimately buggered up his degree by realising all this too late. Though he has made good since.)

So I just wonder if your dd is just not working because she is so terrified, that the hard moany exterior is to hide the fact she's actually terrified of the huge amount of backlog she's built up and v scared she can't deal with it - so easier to just run away and not face it.

If that is the case, she needs you to very gently help her, talk through how to structure her work, break it down piece by piece, week by week and show her how she can manage to achieve what she needs to to get good grades (and reassure her that this is still possible). If the workload seems overwhelming and her organisational skills are a bit poor, it may just all seem overwhelming? if she really has chosen the wrong subjects then cutting her losses may even be an improvement, but less likely in languages as I think few people really CAN'T do them - a visit to the country, lots of radio/films/tv etc in that language can all work wonders (I listened to French radio in the weeks leading up to my O Level and started dreaming in French!).

Might be completely wrong, but worth a try?

Perhaps I should say at this point that for some weird bizarre whatever reason, both my dc are motivated and want to do well. So maybe it's easy for me to spout off. I dunno whay they are like it, they always have been.

touch wood touch wood touch wood

SHJ...you are waiting for me to tell you what to do ? Haven't you read my posts on this thread ?

I am fucking clueless

AF- and the OP (sorry- forgot who it was) are there other options- eg for retakes, perhaps in different settings- if they stuff it up on the first go?

I do/have found that those who achieve the second time around- after finding that RL-with-not-many-qualifications ain't so great- are much more motivated and driven. My xp was like this, and I know lots of others my age....

I just don't know how easy it is these days, to turn over a new leaf- I'm sure ds told me that you're only allowed a certain number of retakes etc. And of course it used to be as near to freeeee as dammit in days of yore- I'm assuming (perhaps wrongly? please tell me it's wrongly) it must be harder to get back into education now, after you've dropped out?

Now if you want me to tell you to leave your husband, I am your man.

I suspect that wouldn't help the ole GCSE results at this juncture, however...

I was joking

soz

hahahahaha

I was going to put LEAVE HIM after your first few posts

oh, and what breadandbutterfly said, about languages

I went to Germany twice on exchange trips at an impressionable age. I used to chat in German at school to one of my friends. ALL THE TIME

Jeeeez. I was such a swot

< falls onto breadandbutterfly sobbing >

ohhh, you feel for me...that helps, really it does

you have some great advice too

one of my fave films is a Spanish film..it's quite rude though, not sure it's appropriate

am reading your reply with much interest though...I think you are totally right about the motivation behind her "I don't care" attitude

hully yes you are lucky

FWIW, I come from a non-achieving family and a sink comprehensive background. My parents never pushed me. I pushed myself through A levels and University with the echos of "freeloader...when you gonna get a job, you need textbooks, wtf? we ain't payin'...." in my head. I worked at PT jobs to get me through.

you have the ambition or you don't, to a certain degree

So I have to watch very carefully I don't project. I think I fail sometimes at non-projecting

I want my dc to succeed very badly for reasons a bit dark. I dunno if anybody understands that, but I do.

but it ain't about me, is it ?

Haven't read the whole thread - sorry, have to cook dinner, but IME there is nothing like dropping out of school, working in a call centre/on a building site, to make a teenager realise that going back to college and then university is a GOOD IDEA.

In many ways they have more educational opportunities now than we did (40 years ago), when you really did only have one chance.