How DO you get the message through to your teen that THIS IS IT they have ONE CHANCE to try their hardest at school

[cyb]

Because my D (nearly16) just does not get it.

La la la , yes I'll do it tomorrow, no on else is doing it, it DOESNT MATTER MUM, I've got ages before it has to be handed in, I'll do it when I've finished that other thing,I've lost the piece of paper la la la if I hear ONE MORE airy fairy wafty reason why she can't do her work .....

She's a clever girl, really clever and I think that's part of the problem, she can coast in subjects and do well but others are slipping.

She's part of an intervention programme her school have initiated to support girls who aren't achieveing their potential and even serious chats from head of years or Deputy heads only seem to elicit the same nods and 'yes I' will's' that never materialise.

TELL ME WHAT TO DO

I have a bit of a cock-eyed theory that the more you show you are bothered and the more support and encouragement and nagging youngsters get from an increasingly wide circle of people, the more turned off they are.

Bit of a risky strategy, though, just to leave them to it.

DD similar age here. The conversations we have had are about consequences. A slip up at this stage isnt the end of THE world but it is the end of A (very comfortable) world. A slip up at this stage means the next stage will require harder work, will take longer. Some doors may be closed.

Good luck cyb!

I think the school has drummed it into my kids pretty well which is great, but I a gree it IS an issue. Much as they can't , from their perspective as an invincible teen, see it, though re sits are possible, getting the work don now is much the easiest and best way forward.

there was an excellent thread here where MNers wrote how them not trying harder at school affected their lifes

maybe worth searching for it and printing it for her to discussi t few days after she read it?

She has been great the last 2 days! Geography and more Physics...even turned down an invitation from her mates to go out.

I've 'backed off' she is clever enough to work it out for herself....hopefully

I had the same theory as pointydog - too much nagging would be counterproductive - and I was never nagged by parents, just told to do my best (but I was a nerd) DC1 and DC2 (crap results and dropping out) now say I should have pushed them more , while DC3 says "I'm going to make something of my life not waste my time like DC1& 2" and works hard. hey ho, can't win - they're all different!

With students I tutor, I've tried the following line and it seems to be helpful.:
"It is easy to know what you can achieve if you just do the minimum you can get away with, but what is the best that you can be? If you really put the effort in, how far could you get? Do you know? Why don't you try and find out? I'm really interested in knowing what the best is that you can be!"
It may be something that is better coming from a teacher than a parent though!

cyb...I think you are a great role model -- doing a GCSE yourself is an amazing effort for your daughter to witness - and aspire to.

Not buying the back off /leave them to it approach - I have seen many of my clever school friends life opportunities wasted by this parental approach - although I do agree you need a balance not to over do it. I follow the "you can bring a horse to water, but you cant make it drink" approach - think that as a parent I need to structure the environment, create opportunities, inspire, support etc - but I know untimately it is my child that needs to drink.

mulranno - wise words. Good Luck Cyb

I was just going to post a thread like this

DD just started year 11, she is 16 in a few weeks

She is massively lazy, all through school has got "could try harder" comments and has slowly and surely lowered the predicted grades she will get

She is completely tied up in the latest designer gear, who has what and who hasn't, Rihanna concerts, mobile phones, FB etc etc (despite not being brought up to be like that...purely peer pressure)

We had a chat.(again)..I tried to get through to her (again) that she has only a matter of weeks before tests/mocks start and if she put in some sustained study she could pull herself back up

have offered to help her with a study programme

She changes the subject and/or rants about poor teaching/it's not fair/I hate to revise/ you think I'm stupid/not nagging me/you are boring me/leave me alone etc etc (ie. takes no responsibility whatsoever)

I think she has given up. We backed off massively in yr 10 as we realised pressuring her was just not working with the hope she would come to some sort of realisation in yr 11

she doesn't go out in the week, would rather watch shite US tv...she has lots of time to study...she just won't do it

but no

she thinks all teenagers do no studying, although i point out that such bravado is common amongst teens who then go home and actually knuckle under....she is naive about this I think and believes the bullshit her mates come out with (her mates are achieving better than she is, btw...so they are doing some work)

what to do ?

I actually feel like fucking crying.

sorry for long post, feel a bit better for that rant

off for a bath now and a little frustrated weep, please make me better if you can < weak >

If you find the answer please let me know. Failed miserably with my 18 yo - might be a chance for the 7 yo

thanks for your reply

I was beginning to think I had my invisible coat on

I might repost this under a new thread to get a few more replies

Serves me right for hijacking...

AF - I may know nothing as my pub is only 13 but he has no work ethic. It's all about computer games and online forums (where does he get that from?)

I'm trying a combination of short term and longer term bribery. Extra online time/ better broadband package if he does well in Xmas exams. Also I've given the examples of stuff he wants and how long it'll take to earn the money to buy them if he had various jobs. I have a good hourly rate of pay and was a total swot at school so I use my example compared with minimum wage. Has focused his mind a bit as he likes the finer things in life.

Bribery.

I can't afford it, but if I have to take out a loan it will still be money well spent in comparison to resits, or restricted choices later.

I'm also trying to timetable revision in everyday- even if she has no homework- yeah right!

I've bought her 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teenagers. Her younger siblings enjoyed it.

I've also decided to not sweat the small stuff. So this is the year I'm not picking her up on gum, messy bedroom and lazy accents.

She has second chances in the future: OU degree, Access courses, doing GCSEs in her spare time and so on. My Mum used to tell me about them and how much harder it is to work that way than to work hard at secondary.
But you can't make her work hard.

Actually in my humble experience, teens are very nervous; so much so that it can make them unable to work hard, concentrate, start on unfinished jobs. They put up a huge front to try to fool you and themselves that they don't mind, and its all okay. Now some are lazy, because they think Mum and Dad will just bail them out, but most are worried. For some people worry makes them work hard, for others it makes it hard for them to start.

So try to keep up the nutrition, exercise, sleep, and be there to help.

This is from the point of view of a parent who is wondering at what stage they go into school to beg their son drops one subject and uses the time to get through his English. And I also need to carefully talk to him more and more about next year. As well as point out that if he doesn't want to be a computer programmer he needs to work on the things which will help him in his future career.

Our education system is designed to put ridiculous pressure on young people just when they can least cope. (Its much worse than in my day.)

I know this is going to sound horribly sanctimonious but resorting to bribery seems just wrong to me although I do hear of many parents that do it.

Well not wrong as such, but (arrgh! what am I trying to say?) not the road to go down. Sometimes a failure is the shock and incentive needed to get back on track. Although I do empathise and sympathise 100% with the rising panic you feel as a parent watching wasted potential and opportunity.

I'm not sure you can do more than you already are. It's a thin line between
encouraging a teen and turning into nagging white noise that they tune out.

Maybe a view of the bigger picture could help. A visit to a university talking to students, or someone in the profession she's interested in doing could give a wider view of where all the work now is leading. I sometimes feel schoolwork just feels like an end in itself and a bit of a grind.

I had a teenager like this, they are now applying to university. If your child does not manage to achieve enough A or even A* grades now then it will rule out certain courses. Sorry but you need to make them see that. Look at the UCAS website and start to take them now to the nearest local university oepn day. If they have absolutely no idea what they want to do take them to subject lectures for as many of subjects they might want to do as you can.

It is not the end of the world. They may manage to achieve enough good grades without nagging. If not they may be able to make a good career anyway. Don't nag - it doesn't help. Just keep pointing out that if they want to leave home for university they need to work as you won't offer financial support to someone who will not work at uni. And that they'll need a job if they don't get good enough grades.

Cheeseandwhine has the same feelings as I do re bribes and allowing them to fail of their own accord if that is what it takes.

However I would also use the this is your "job" now to study - you aren't a kid any more. In order to "help" you study I am going to, for instance put a parental lock on the sky to stop you wasting you time watching crap american TV between, say 6 and 9 in the evening and if you want me to provide you with internet access then you need to show me how this is needed for studying.

Tough love maybe and boundaries to kick against sure- but actually the evidence is teens with boundaries do better long term and, of course (sugary sweet voice) when you have a study habit established that I can really trust we can talk about the restrictions again....

Does she watch the worlds strictest parents?? Do you?? Firm but fair seems to rule in the sensationalist TV world and I think it's actually true in real life too, but you will have to ride out some really big kick backs if she is very entrenched in her ways..

I'm in the same situation. Although it is possible to retrain etc. the world is FULL of people who wish they'd tried harder at school.

We have lots of monologues conversations working out how much an X gets paid, how much you take home, look at food bills and rents and see how many Ralph Lauren polo shirts what's left over would buy you.

It's important.

Try getting her to look online for jobs she could hope to apply for if she gets an average degree, or get a friend with a university age offspring to talk to her.

We bribe a lot, although we present it as an incentive and make things quite non-specific so we can use our judgement. But then ours is recently adopted and has issues around school, so anything that gets him to experience doing well is a plus.

hit them