How DO you get the message through to your teen that THIS IS IT they have ONE CHANCE to try their hardest at school

[cyb]

Because my D (nearly16) just does not get it.

La la la , yes I'll do it tomorrow, no on else is doing it, it DOESNT MATTER MUM, I've got ages before it has to be handed in, I'll do it when I've finished that other thing,I've lost the piece of paper la la la if I hear ONE MORE airy fairy wafty reason why she can't do her work .....

She's a clever girl, really clever and I think that's part of the problem, she can coast in subjects and do well but others are slipping.

She's part of an intervention programme her school have initiated to support girls who aren't achieveing their potential and even serious chats from head of years or Deputy heads only seem to elicit the same nods and 'yes I' will's' that never materialise.

TELL ME WHAT TO DO

Watching the Inbetweeners together is a Good Thing! (Love the Inbetweeners). It is bonding to do that stuff and watch unsuitable crap together. And be fair to him, he wants to fit in, he NEEDS stuff. Tuff, but troo.

Do both. Shit telly, and a nice walk at the w/e.

Me and ds made a terribly unsuitable video with a large marrow and classical music last night. V educational - learnt to use new software and not just passive screen thing, AND had a laugh.

oh, we do do that sort of thing... I'm relaxed about a lot of stuff. I'm not as bad as my folks, honest. We larff...

ds's gripe atm is that I don't let him have 18 rated xbox games, and that I buy him poncey books (he's 14). Mind you, if left to his own devices he'd happily play Fifa 11 all day in his room. I have caved on all sorts- the 18 games are about the last thing to go- I just can't bear 'em. The stupid thing is, though, I let him have a particular 15? game- Assassins Creed- as I classified it in my head as somehow edumacational

[arsehole]

Mine (14) has x-rated ones because ALL his friends do and they play together live. It's like MN with guns. It's just different to us, but hey man, it's like their world innit?

Just so long as they do the other stuff and get the grades too, of course..

Also I spent squillions on his birthday at JD -I loathe brands

he loves 'em, of course

I am trying

really

and I let him stop going to Woodcraft Folk (only because he burst into tears on the way at the end of last term and begged me)

he wants to play games where you pretend you're a US soldier trying to capture Castro. CASTRO

arf arf "mn with guns"

I know (hey, get him Mal Peet's A Diagram of Life Unexploded (something like that) if you don't have it - it's about young love/sex AND the Cuban missile crisis. It's vair vair good). But they do know the difference between games and reality, just like we did.

I will give it some thought. I do need better incentives, I think

the trouble is, every time I knock another "I Will Never Do...." off the list, they escalate- and the next one up is always wuss

When I were a lass I had nowt (not no one's fault) and had to fight everyone every day to show I didn't care. I swore my dc would fit in, and I really believe it makes them more relaxed and confident and makes them WANT more for themselves in terms of life successes, and makes them feel like they have the right and the ability to go-get em, iyswim.

Or do I sound like a total wanker?

My Ds went off to school this morning without eating breakfast said he felt unwell, sick...I say well, you can't afford time off etc and HE says No, I don't want time off, I just don't want to eat anything!!! unheard of

Hully do you mean they are relaxed and confident if they have more or less?

Horse - I mean they are realxed and confident if they have enough that they fit in with the current norm. Teens live in such existential self-conscious agony that to me it makes sense to alleviate as many sources as it practicable and manageable.

I hear you, Hully- but I know some kids with loadsa stuff, and they're lazy, selfish and just...don't live in the world beyond their front door, iykwim. I bet your kids are mostly happy and confident because of you

I had nowt, also, but it was for p'litical/ideological reasons. It didn't do us any 'arm (my longings were mainly fashion ones. Shoes, partic. I had to wear Clarks Polyveldts)

I'm really not that bad. Ds wears trainers made by Cambodian children. I am off to town now (aka Temple of Mammon) and will give the matter some thought...

the novelty of discussing the dcs on mn. This virtually unheard of

Indded.

And yes, you're quite right, it's all ME.

Me me me

But the other stuff helps too.

Ok Hully. I often think that, but just don't have the money to buy all these gadgets, x box wii whatever and Ds does feel it and feels left out, poor etc, but there's nothing I can do about it :(
(It's Solo btw)

Horse, don't feel bad. Two things, if you are honest with them and kind, they will accept that and be the better person for it, and on a more practical note, have you tried looking on ebay and similar for second hand x boxes? Or is that not poss either?

If it helps, at my dc's school there are loads of SERIOUSLY rich kids (I have never been to so many giant houses in my life), with pools and branded clothes etc etc, and we can't compete with that. I think just the basics have to be covered, eg all right shoes, two nice t-shirts, so they don't stand out.

x boxes are nice, but not essential.

She may not truly only have one chance - I have two nieces who buffered aotu at school, left a 16 with practically no qualifications and now, at 35 one is q barrister and the other a university lecturer.

But,but,but,but. That was then and this is now. AND while they have achieved amazing things, by God it was a struggle. And the barrister is currently having a baby and because she started so late her career is nowhere near where it should be for her to take maternity leave without it having a massive impct on her future. It is just soooooooo much easier to do things at the "proper" time- when your peers are doing them,and when you don't havebto compete not just with your peers, but with the young guns snapping at your heels as you climb the ladder. I drum this into my dd- also 15, and so do they, and so far it seems to be working. Not sure hwwt I'd without m living object lessons, though.

They only learn by their own mistakes. I don't think there is much point being the one who always monitors it and makes them do it because they will come to grief at university without you behind them.
I would agree with seeker to impress on her that it is just so much easier to do it at the 'right' time.
However it might be that she needs to find out for herself. DSs girlfriend left part way through year 12, got a job and then decided for herself that it wasn't what she wanted for life. She took herself off to college, got excellent A'levels and is now at University-self motivated and doing very well indeed.
She hasn't got just one chance-it is simply easier on the first chance.

Thanks Hully. I have looked on ebay, but they are all still way beyond my reach.

I do explain everything to Ds and Dd is only 4 so hasn't really got to that point. Yet. But Ds just feels left out, hard done by etc and it doesn't help that he is bullied at school for it. I do try with clothing, but he grows so fast that these things don't fit for long. He's close to 6ft tall now (but skinny and boy like), which is lovely, but difficult to clothe...we'll survive, he'll survive and I hope he continues to listen to me when I say 'You are not at school to make friends and be popular, you are there to learn and get a good education, then you'll be able to buy all the things you want because your career will pay you enough to do so and keep me in my old age '

< squeal >

more posts ! Will go back and read now

hully are you saying I should buy dd the latest Blackberry for a squillion quid then ?

please say noooo

ah, HHH, that struck a chord

you see, my DD's only reason to go to school is for the social life

always has been

she even said she dreads leaving school because she won't see all her mates

I say "yeah, 'cos all your mates might be busy getting on with their college courses/ A levels while you languish in the dole queue/have to resit your GCSE's"

which can be counterproductive 'cos then she says (imagine this at screaming pitch) "You think that is all I am fit for !!"

The prospectus for the local (good) FE college has dropped thought the door today. To do AS/A levels you need 6 GCSE's at grades A-C. At current grading (working as she is now) she is nowhere near that. No wonder I can see her giving up before my very eyes.

The closing date for applications is November. November

< has a little weep >

Horse - bullied?

Bullied for not having an x-box? Clothes? What?

Lordy! AF, don't talk about phones!!! Ds had one given to him by my friend. Brand new in the box, exactly the same as mine that I'd had for a month already. I got him to put Skype on it for free calls to me, as I point blank refuse to put any money on it as a) I can't, don't have it to put on, and b) because the one time I did put £10 on his original phone, he wasted £4.50 on a solitary download that only gave him 20 seconds of music!!!!!! so, his phone is lovely, he refuses to put it into a neoprene case to protect it (as I have) and over a very short time, it becomes gritty, hard to slide open (dirty hands I suspect). Then he wants me to buy a new one for him , I refuse, his is fine, just stiff, but it's 'not cool' but he realises that it's better than it might be as it has lots of features. Then the rotten kids at school throw it around, the memory falls out on the field and is lost and then he brings it home a while later and the front has been ripped off it...He wonders why I won't buy him another phone even if I had the money!
'Like I say Son, you aren't there to make friends...'

Yes, bullied for not having the x box, wii, latest phone etc. Clothes seem to have been left out of the equation despite him wearing Primark t shirts.

It doesn't sound like a very nice school?