How DO you get the message through to your teen that THIS IS IT they have ONE CHANCE to try their hardest at school

[cyb]

Because my D (nearly16) just does not get it.

La la la , yes I'll do it tomorrow, no on else is doing it, it DOESNT MATTER MUM, I've got ages before it has to be handed in, I'll do it when I've finished that other thing,I've lost the piece of paper la la la if I hear ONE MORE airy fairy wafty reason why she can't do her work .....

She's a clever girl, really clever and I think that's part of the problem, she can coast in subjects and do well but others are slipping.

She's part of an intervention programme her school have initiated to support girls who aren't achieveing their potential and even serious chats from head of years or Deputy heads only seem to elicit the same nods and 'yes I' will's' that never materialise.

TELL ME WHAT TO DO

She has refused to draw up a timetable to study, with my help. Says she will not work by the clock, and will do it in her own time (she won't...and we both know it)

This why I asked fargate what rewards/consequences he/she found useful. At the moment she lives for her phone and laptop (mostly the phone). Both of those things have been withdrawn for recent bad behaviour (it was quite bad) as punishment.

Is it confusing the issue to withdraw the phone again when she doesn't think she is behaving badly, just cannot motivate herself and doesn't want to try? She can't see anything wrong with that and dismisses my attempts to try and persuade her otherwise.

Am not rebutting anybody's suggestions, I have considered/already tried them all and willing to consider/try any of them again. I want something that works though! My teenagers were not meant to be under achievers

By contract I mean that you both agree a way of living that you are both happy with eg she will study for x amount of time each day (with/without your/tutor help) each day and you will provide x amount of phone credit.

She needs to understand that you both have parts to play, hers is to study and do well, yours is to provide and be the parent.

Can she vocalise why she can't motivate herself? Tell her that you are both unhappy with the way things are and that together you need to find a way to make it better. reassure her that you are on the same side in all of this. Ask her what she would suggest to improve things. Treat her as an ally rather than a wayward teen.

I spent hours and hours helping ds learn French. Lists of stock phrases that can be used in any exam question with a bit of cunning. Ask her if it would help. She just needs the sodding grade, it doesn't matter if she never does the language again.

Or have you done all that..?

If so, I'd pay for a tutor somehow.

Or failing all that, I think Hully's original suggestion is probably the best!

cyb - DS2 is just like your DD. He has just finished his GCSEs and although he passed them all (hooray!) he didn't get anything like the grades he was capable of. What really saddens, angers and frustrates me is that he seems happy to accept lower achievement.

However, I think a bit of a wake-up call for him was the realisation that - had he wanted to go to his own school's tfh form, he would have failed to get in on the grades he achieved. (Thankfullly we had already chosen an excellent 6th form college for him, where he had a confirmed place)

I've tried nagging and shouting, I've tried leaving him well alone, and neither approach seems to make any difference. Sadly, I think they do have to 'get it' for themselves.

DS1 was exactly the same. He did really poorly in his AS levels too. However, something clicked with him in his final year, and he turned CCCE into AABA*.

When I asked him recently what he thought had happened, he said he suddenly realised that he was at college with lots of other students who had come from private schools, and he didn't want them to do better than him.

I had hoped that DS2 might have learnt something from DS1 - but evidently not. Our experiences with DS1, though, mean that I am going to be much more on DS2's case about work - and making sure he is doing regular reading/homework.

I think the suggestion that was made re going into school and liaising/working with the teachers is a really good one. Personally I wish I had done this, and also wish I had asked them to give DS2 extra work. He, too, is very bright and I suspect often bored.

The big problem that our children now face is intense competition. It's all very well for those of us here to say they failed every exam but they are now Prime Minister or some such. But in this new world, many universities make their offers on the basis not only of A level results but also GCSE results. So it is imperative that if we want them to go the good/best universities that they do as well as possible in their GCSEs.

And don't forget you can email teachers.

email is your friend.

And look on the exam board websites, get past papers, get revision guides etc

Phone is on contract so would have to be physically confiscated (the contract is attached to DH's and has 6 more months to go)

I sound like one of those annoying posters who say "no can do" to everything, don't I ?

No to grounding, she rarely goes out. We are away from home every weekend. The more I try to discuss reasonably, the more she digs in.

OK.

Hully, and others, I have taken on board your suggestions.

She hates me anyway, so am not bothered if she hates me some more. Shes hates DH a bit less, but only because he is more laidback than me.

We will sit her down and try again to work out a contract. I am struggling with the consequences though, will have a think. I will ask her what she thinksabout me approaching school. She may welcome it.

Or she may do her impression of a screaming banshee

it could go either way

AF, she doesn't hate you.

She is in a bad place, she is driving you nuts, but unfortunately you are the adult.

You have to repair the relationship before the rest of it can work. Take her out for dinner, have a laugh, try and be friends with each other. Tell her how unhappy you are (not that she has made you so!) that you aren't getting on and that you would love to find a way to get along together.

This is how we did it AF

1.I showed DS my bank statements and together we added up his pocket money, the cost of subscriptions for his online gaming, sports clubs and Lovefilm over 12 months.He was almost as shocked as me re the total amount.

2.I gently but firmly pointed out that all these costs were for non-essentials and it was was therefore optional for me to pay for them. And I expected something in return which was for him to improve his attitude in school and work harder

3.We then made a list of exactly what he needed to do eg bring his homework planner home, stop doing his homework in class etc etc and what privileges would be withdrawn if he didn't meet his responsibilities.

4.I typed this out as a 'contract' and we both signed it. I made lots of copies because when I'd done this when he was younger (behaviour at home)the contract had been destroyed, lost,disappeared.

4.We constructed a timetable for how and when he was going to do his schoolwork and scheduled time for relaxation/screen time and bed time.

I bought extra homework planners.

5.I met his Form Tutor and HOY to discuss my concerns, tell them what I was doing with him at home and asked what they could do to support him - and me. He was moved to the front of the class away from the children who he was messing about with and was put on positive report for 2 months.

His attitude and behaviour improved almost immediately, altho' there was no immediate effect on his grades, he was actually doing some work! And it took him a while to catch up.

He was 'rewarded' in the normal way of things by being moved into higher sets (quieter, less disruptive pupils and being back with old friends who had left him behind) and not being in trouble/getting detentions all the time.

1. His grandfather gave hin £20 as promised for getting a good end of term report.

1. DC has also had lots and lots of encouragement, praise, and sort of accepts that I'm not punishing him and am doing this because I love him and want him to be happy.

Gosh, this is long. Any very detailed.

We get along fine.

Until schoolwork is mentioned. < sigh >

Oh, you lot are lovely to take the time < sob >

oh well....you know what I'm going to say, don't you?

kill her

Me too, I have one of these, and am suddenly very glad not to be alone.

She is 14. At primary was near the top of the class, did well without much effort. At secondary she had one good year, followed by 2 bad ones where she got in with the wrong crowd, stopped working and started mucking about. Has just changed schools and we are On Her Case to sort herself out before it's too late. New school is more hard-line in terms of discipline and follow-up, which is good!

She knows she has to work not only to keep up, but to catch up what she missed. She wants to succeed. But when it comes to it, she just can't quite be bothered to put in the work.

Have read suggestions and like Hully's contract, but like AF am struggling with consequences. The only things she really cares about are her phone (contract) and computer time (already severely restricted).

This might be a bit of a shit suggestion but you're at the end of your tether so fuck it, why not.

What about a time management book? I LOVE this book Do It Tomorrow so much that it's on my desk at work for when I lose motivation. A quick flick through normally gets me back on track.

It basically talks you through why you are unmotivated and how to overcome your resistance to work and the advantages of being organised and "Doing One Day's Work in One Day". It's mainly aimed at employees or the self-employed but I reckon it would work just as well with students.

One of the hardest things as a teen is working out HOW to do all the bloody work; ie prioritising, ordering, repeating tasks etc. With all the soft skills you get taught these days, I think this is the hardest to really master.

Worth a try for a fiver? Even if you read it and monologue at discuss with her!

I think this is one situation where I have to kill myself

When I was at school, my best friend's parents paid her not to do A'levels at the same place as me. £30 is all it took. Bribery is an option

I am very grateful for the time people have spent on this thread, giving such useful advice

Had a bit of a chat with dd tonight

We are working on it

I didn't work hard at school - i blew it. but I did resits and passed them all eventually. Don't let her know that she can always try aigain lataer, but it might help YOU to know that, there is usually a second chance saloon...:)

Looking at my posts from yesterday I sound like a completely rigid, inflexible harridan which I'm not at all. Honestly.

I think that I should add that we started out examining my bank statements as a budgetting exercise, after my son said his 'ambition' was to find a job and ''live in a flat with friends'' - rather than go to university. So, the initial focus was on my income vs the cost of utilities, council tax, mobile phone contracts, insurance etc etc not on how much it was costing me to support him.

In the course of doing this he drew my attention to the fact that his pocket money+school bus fares/month is more than our gas & electricity/month.

It was all fairly light-hearted & non-judgemental whilst being 'educational' -I was surprised that he knew the precise amount of the minimum wage, had a reasonable idea of our food bill but knew absolutely nothing about income tax or council tax. Costing his expenses for online gaming, sports clubs etc (as above) was just part of the reality-orientating, living independently project.

My point really is that you can't decide on sanctions if you don't know what the un-earned, taken for granted 'rewards' are in your DC's life.

I'm a bit surprised to hear that it's more difficult to find consequences/sanctions for DDs vs DSs - my friends with teenage girls and boys tell me that the girl's are so much more expensive to support - parties & sleepovers, make-up, toiletries, clothes, shoes, dance classes and
the like. They certainly sound more articulate so maybe the girls are more skillful at labelling what is essential rather than what is actually a treat. Eg Expensive vs less expensive make-up vs no make-up.

RE Confiscating my son's mobile phone. He's not as wedded to it as when he was younger and regards it as a kind of electronic tag which is more important to me than him; with respect to knowing where his/what he's doing. Altho'it does inconvenience him as much as he would deny it
when he's not got his phone & I call his friends/their parents or he needs to use someone elses phone. It's actually the last item I'd remove, tbh as just the suggestion that I don't have to keep paying for his online xbox subscription is sufficient.

I feel that I didn't give enough emphasis to how important talking and finding out what anxieties are holding him back. My DS doesn't open up about these things and experiences me as intrusive & interfering if I ask or try to guess whats worrying him about school. A propos of nothing other than me stopping nagging, questioning him he asked me ''Do I have to go to Uni?'' in the context of the higher tuition fees (he'd been on a couple of the protest marches) and '' all the teachers, all the time, saying I'll never get a proper job unless I go to uni'' I'm sure they don't do this but that's how it felt to him.

.....................I'm not sure any more that there will be a 'last chance saloon', for lots of young people, in future, bindi

So much of what we have come to expect is evaporating before our eyes....

Sorry 'second chance'' not ''last chance''

We get along fine.
Until schoolwork is mentioned. < sigh >

Yep same here!!

DS loves going to school, won't miss a day 100% attendance, is in the top two classes, the teachers like him but on a collision course of C and less at the moment.
School is seen as a social club where he meets his friends.

I get that he will get other chances to study when he is older BUT he wants an apprenticeship and he is not going to get that with shit results no matter how punctual, loyal and hardworking ( at work ) he is.

The only thing I keep saying is 'remember when everyone gets their GCSE results and they are all hugging and happy? Do you want to be the outsider not joining in because you got rubbish results because you couldn't be arsed studying? That jolts him for oh, 3 minutes!!

there is always a second chance...

If exams are failed, they can be resat. Time can be taken out, work experience can be gained, GCSEs can be taken at ANY age, University can be attended at any age etc. It may not be the route you have hoped for, but IME, having a plan is one thing, but not being flexible leads to breaking point!
You need to be strong yourself, if you work yourself up too much, you will explode with stress.

Sorry Anyfucker, just found this thread again and havent re read all (tis cyb wearing a false moustache)

yes her attitude has changed- I think what has made huge difference is I have backed off- told her what I think but that its ultimately up to her. She's not daft.

Also she sees her REALLY clever friends saying they arent going to bother with studying, and whats the point , two fingers up the establishment etc and she is lecturing THEM saying how they are daft to throw it all away.

I hope she keeps her momentum up throughout Yr 11. And now I WILL re read all of thread

Oh and AF we are SEVERELY limiting her access to lap tops etc. ONLY when work is done. But I've backed off with the lectures

And have you spoken to her teachers at school about your concerns?