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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Bit random, but how 'hard' is it parenting teenagers??

186 replies

threecurrantbuns · 12/04/2011 20:07

Im interested as i have 3under 5s and considering a fourth but obviously am oblivious to the teenage part of parenting i cant help thinking maybe another would be ok now but would it when they are all teens!?

some people seem to take great pleasure in telling me how much harder things gets and how babies/toddlers arent a patch on teeneagers, i never thought alot of it but now im starting to wonder if it really is all so bad, people have made it sound like complete torture with no pleasure involved at all

OP posts:
serin · 17/04/2011 23:31

DD is hilarious, she thinks I am as old as the hills and have always lived my life as she see's me know!! She knows very little of my motorbike or the one night stands at uni and I am not about to start telling her.

exoticfruits · 18/04/2011 07:40

It is something that makes me smile serin, they have quite an inaccurate view!
I think that some people are going to find it very hard, judging by the 'leaving in a hotel room' thread where people seem to think that you can have a family room with 14/15/16 yr olds and not even leave them alone for a couple of hours. (they may change as the DC gets older and they face reality).

Bluemoonrising · 18/04/2011 11:09

I love having my two teens. They are lovely people in their own right, they have personality and are a delight to have around. I personally find it easier now than when they were younger. The issues are bigger, sure, and can be a challenge, but you can reason with them. Honest! And I get a bit more freedom as they can be in the house by themselves for a while.

Maybe the fact that I am no longer with their dad helps me personally, as I am less stressed and happier in general, but as I said I love having my two teens in the house.

LeQueen · 18/04/2011 12:04

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Watertight · 18/04/2011 12:56

It's great to set ground rules for toddlers LeQueen but I don't think there's ever any guarantee of what the teenage years will hold in store, unfortunately. Grin.

Teenagers of any age are entirely capable of pulling something quite spectacular out of a hat to surprise and disarm you and the older they get, the bigger the stakes get, in lots of respects.

I'm very wary, these days, of ever counting my chickens as far as my (touch wood, largely speaking, lovely so far) teenagers are concerned, I've seen so many of their friends pull the most extraordinary stunts that leave their Mums reeling. I don't think you can never really be sure what's round the corner! Grin.

LeQueen · 18/04/2011 14:47

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empirestateofmind · 18/04/2011 16:03

As you say there are no guarantees, you just improve the odds somewhat if you were firm but fair when they were little and if you are reasonable and supportive when they are older.

I know someone who is having trouble with her 18 year old but she treats him like a 5 year old, confiscating his phone and forbidding him from doing things.

I am afraid you can't do that with someone who is off to Uni in a few months. It is a mentoring role at this stage only- giving advice and guiding. It is about helping them to look at all the possible outcomes of a decision they are making. Then letting them get on with it.

QuickLookBusy · 18/04/2011 16:57

Agree empire I have a 17 and 20 year old and I think it is so important for them to gain the confidence to make their own decisions about life.
Once our DDs got to sixth form we always discussed things, the pros and cons etc, but then let them get on with it.

Mind you they have so far been wonderful girls, but it is bloody hard. They still demand lots of time, attention and they are so expensive!

Maryz · 18/04/2011 17:00

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exoticfruits · 18/04/2011 18:05

It really is all down to personalities and I agree with Watertight-'never count your chickens'. I think that it is important to always be able to talk-whatever, and to have let go slowly in the years preceeding-if you have had rigid control and been 'over protective' the teen years will be the ones that tell you what they thought about it!

Watertight · 18/04/2011 19:05

empire: "It is a mentoring role at this stage only- giving advice and guiding. It is about helping them to look at all the possible outcomes of a decision they are making".

Agree. Very well put.

I do still tell my fifteen year old what's what but with my seventeen year old, I mostly remember to catch myself and ask her what she thinks then discuss pros and cons. She always still wants to know what I think and I'll give her my view but make it absolutely clear that it's her decision. So far, though, she's making mostly very good choices.

Quite what my little one will have in store for me is anyones guess though! God help us... Shock

sharbie · 18/04/2011 19:10

lequeen that's what people say who don't have teenagers yet Grin

exoticfruits · 18/04/2011 19:20

You can just never, ever tell. DS1 was very difficult when younger and he was lovely as a teenager. DS2 who was easy going, popular with teachers and DCs and made us think 'we got it right' went all introverted and is much more difficult.

christinecagney · 18/04/2011 19:26

Empathise with you Maryz - I know several circumstances like yours. It isn't always so simple as people would like to think....

dementedma · 18/04/2011 19:29

they are expensive certainly, but i actually prefer the teenage years to the whiny, labour intensive, do things with me toddler years. Now they can fend for themselves to a certain extent, can cook meals, do housework (except they won't!), you can go out on your own without having to cart them with you everywhere, they have great funny friends, and God they make me laugh!!
it is worrying when they are out late at night, and it's hard letting go and loosening the boundaries, but on the whole the later teenage years are good!
I have found the worst years of all to be 10-14. they are bastards then.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 18/04/2011 20:20

Totally agree with you Maryz

Of course it's important to parent appropriately, but however great a parent you are, you sometimes end up with teenage issues that are huge.

My two DCs are from the same parents but are just totally different. One with huge issues and one not. Have I treated them totally differently? No. And IRL sadly there are many who judge without knowledge of the facts.

NotaMopsa · 18/04/2011 20:24

oooh leQueen you may eat those words...... Shock

Teens mix with teens.... an awful lot of parents do NOT lay out ground rules

Teens listen to teens...

Teens respect teens...

Teens learn from teens...

REALLY it is NOT anything like that easy

supersalstrawberry · 18/04/2011 20:31

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NotaMopsa · 18/04/2011 20:37

I do frequently (in moments of despair - and they ARE frequent!) say - 'and WE are STRICT!!!'

I cannot believe the way my teens have at times spoken to me - horrific. It's a very different culture to our days ....and i am young ish for a mum of older teens

I absolutely believe this in todays news

exoticfruits · 18/04/2011 20:52

I believe it too NotaMopsa.

Watertight · 18/04/2011 20:55

NotaMopsa

I heard this news item on the radio...

I have two girls so no first hand experience of being a Mum of boys but I can tell you that girls can be breath-takingly vile.

halfcaffordableLidlEasterEggs · 18/04/2011 22:11

I'm just starting on the 'tweens' and I know people who are still having trouble with their 20 year olds...I think it's going to be a (long) nightmare.

halfcaffordableLidlEasterEggs · 18/04/2011 22:16

My friend can't go on holiday with her younger two girls because her 20 year old ds and 16 year old dd cannot be left at home for a week - she thinks he might actually kill her...

NotaMopsa · 18/04/2011 22:21

I cannot leave my 16 and 14 year ols alone - i would not risk an outburst..... if ds1 is there i MIGHT be more chilled but ...depressing

newatallthis · 18/04/2011 22:31

It's really hard. We have looked after a boy from age 15 and he's 20 now. The past 5 years have been so difficult. it's all about pushing barriers constantly as they battle to find out what they can do as an adult. The hardest thing is dealing with a mindset that you just dont understand - I have never managed to get my head round his apathy, his lack of understanding of consequences and his selfishness (despite the fact that i know he's a good person underneath all those hormones and the peer pressure). I was a secondary school teacher and unfortunately I think all of these things are very common in the teenage years (although there were a few angels). I'm currently pregnant with my first baby and I often find myself looking at my bump and thinking 'oh god, in 15 years time I'm going to have to go through this all over again'.