Bit random, but how 'hard' is it parenting teenagers??

[threecurrantbuns]

Im interested as i have 3under 5s and considering a fourth but obviously am oblivious to the teenage part of parenting i cant help thinking maybe another would be ok now but would it when they are all teens!?

some people seem to take great pleasure in telling me how much harder things gets and how babies/toddlers arent a patch on teeneagers, i never thought alot of it but now im starting to wonder if it really is all so bad, people have made it sound like complete torture with no pleasure involved at all

I think the thing that strikes me is that you spend their young years protecting them from all dangers, then as then become teens you have to accept that exposing them to real life and letting them learn by themselves - and let go - a bit - is what you need to do.

It's just different. It's about becoming a parent again, iykwim. Up until the age of 5 or 6, you are constantly reaching milestones. Weaning, walking, talking, potty training, nursery, school, etc. All governed by how you parent. Then between 5 and 11, it's pretty straight forward, imho. Life seems to get easier. Life just ticks along nicely.

Then suddenly, they reach teenagers and you've forgotten how hard it was in the early days and you think it's far harder to be a parent of a teenager. I think probably, it's no harder, just different.

I am, right at this moment, having a teenage parent moment! It is tough, but I'm sure, by comparison, no tougher than being the parent of a two year old.

3 or 4, will make no difference. On the up side, by the time smallest is old enough to be out after dark, the oldest one will be old enough to pick her/him up from where ever they are!

I can completely get the ocntrol freak part...i am too a tiny bit of one

And i already know its going to be tough to let go a bit and not worry like crazy, but i think part of the reason my own mum and i were so close is because she was very relaxed, let us make our own mistakes to a certain extent and i also knew i could go to her about absolutely anything and have some productive guidance and support without i told you so's or judgement.

But now i have my own children i can believe how relaxed she was with us even though we had a fair amount of freedom to grow i still know it will be very hard for me with my own

I think I've had it really easy with my steps - not quite out of the woods yet though, they are 16 & 17. Maybe it's easier for me to give them more freedom - harder for their parents? I was the one to suggest DSD could stay at home by himself for the first time - giving him the choice to come away with us for a weekend or not, and (gulp) that he could have friend/s to stay over to keep him company. We came home to a really clean and tidy house - I think he'd made a special effort to prove he could be trusted.

I'm with cat64- all stages of parenting have their good and bad points but I have found the teen years the best so far. Have DD 16 who is an absolute joy so have been lucky there and DS13 who is a lot more challenging but I am learning not to "sweat the small stuff" with him and focus on what is really important and try and let some of the annoying but less earth shattering issues go eg I focus on making sure homework is done well/tests learnt for and manners/behaviour when out of the home and especially in someone elses house. Try not to stress about- slightly sloppy table manners at home/ wet towels on the bedroom floor/overflowing bin etc!
On the plus side you get your spontaneity back- early sunday evening we were all in the house hanging about when DS said he was bored. He had mentioned earlier in the day that at some stage he would like to go to x restaurant in town which had just opened. DH picks up phone, books table and says to stunned DS "Come on then let's go...." Cant do that with toddlers, early school years etc! Saturday night DD16 cooked tea, packed DH and I off for a walk to the pub with dog while she washed up and hogged the TV!! Secret so far seems to be 1. When you mean "no" say so and enforce it 2. Everything else can lead to a reasoned debate with everyone's point of view listened to and respected all in a spirit of compromise.
Oh and they both still come and cuddle up with me on sofa to watch TV!!

You reap what you sow. If you put the work in when they're tiny, you get the rewards when they're big enough to be really helpful. Hope that thought helps you bear with the monotony of the toddler years! If you treat dc with respect, they'll do the same for you, even when hormones are raging.

There is a touch of the talismans about some parenting though Maryz.
If i do this and this and this and avoid this and don't do that...it will all end up wonderful. Except when it doesn't.
So yes, despite all you do there may be drugs or a mental illness or an abusive partner or a criminal record in the future. But we have to live in hope.

I do remember an interview with two parents who said that for most, the worst nightmare was for your child to fall victim to some dreadful predator and die.
'But the worst thing is to be the parents of the monster. You spend the rest of your days guilt-ridden and questioning and shunned'

I agree with that. It's like the fact that it's worse to be the parent of a bully than the parent of a bullied child. At least the bullied child is more likely to recover, and lead a decent life, helpful to society. (Unless they don't survive the bullying, that is.) But there's more hope.

I think having 3 kids is probably hard work whatever their age. I only have the one, and to be honest her being a teen is by FAR the most enjoyable part of motherhood. She's great, it is so lovely to have a teenager when they are not cynical and are earnestly passionate about their interests. Also she has me in stitches. Teenagers are really funny, they never tell you that.

Just view the hormonal bits as going through the toddler stage. They need firm boundaries, a lot of reassurance but you need to start trusting that they are able to do things on their own. You will also have a few tantrums but just keep calm and carry on.

My best friend has 3 boys - 2 years between them. I remember one summer she nearly pulled her hair out (one was taking SATS, one GCSEs and one A Levels and she had had it ) but she loved them as teens. The atmosphere in her house was great, trainers all over the place, sports detritus in strange places, weekend mornings peaceful as they never got up before noon, and ususally a half tressed lanky boy walking through munching on toast. Loved it.

You also have another helping hand in the house with chores. Me, DP and DD split the housework three ways.

Downsides - the neverending 'mum can I have a fiver', having to ferry them everywhere (and I can imagine that will be hell if they do 3 different activities), and your food bills. They simply inhale every edible thing in the house.

cat64 a great post and can see how all those things can make life easier in some ways.

maryz I have to say i agree with you, me and my sister are prime examples i was a 'good' teenagers my sister went from a happy bubbly toodler/young child to being bullied at school, 'wrong' crowd etc and off the rails doing/trying everything. Without going into detail alot of it probably had to do with an incident involving abuse which until recent years none of us knew about .

Suppose what im trying to say is i feel my mum treated us both equally and as teenagers we were completely opposite to each other.

As a result my faults, as a mother can be that i constantly assess everything i say or do even now and constantly wonder how my currant parenting will effect their future...sometimes i would love to not think so deeply and go with the flow more. But as it has been said it is impossible to protect them from everything in life and in turn maybe not always possible for them to be the result of solely our parenting!??

See, told you, im into worry mode just thinking about it all.

I will have to name change after this and I have my fingers firmly crossed for the future. but so far my teen has been a complete delight. She is funny, affectionate, usually considerate and lovely to have around. She does spend a lot of time telling me things about how the world works, and explaining politics to me ( I remember doing this to my mother over late night cups of tea, and i send a silent comradely grin to my mother as I listen and nod.) but her combined enthusiasm and seriousness is so life affirming.

It is so fantastic to see her growing in confidence and maturity, and equally fantastic to see her revert to being 10 years old as she did yesterday playing with her brother on the beach.

Can you tell I adore her!

And what Cat64 said.

Maryz what you are going through is heartbreaking. My dd is an absolute star at the moment but drugs are my biggest worry. I know all that will change if she starts smoking pot. I think the worst thing about what your son is going through is that most people think 'oh it's only a bit of weed' so it isn't taken seriously. I think it is pernicious, though, far more harmful than many other drugs and up there with heroin in its life destoying potential.

Teenage dds are especially rewarding IMO, Seeker. Although ds's are more hench.

at teenager's political discussions. DD really got into politics last year, ended up being even more left wing than I am 'mum, I think communism is a good idea and we (we?) should bring it back'

I don't take any particular credit. She was born in a good mood, and has always been easy going, laid back and well behaved. I was just very fortunate.

wheresmidunky dd's are more peng

So am I the whole one who just adores the smell of teenage ds's?

My dd has smelled of Diorissimo since Christmas!

I found tiny babies really hard, toddlers and young children, relatively easy and a lot of fun. Oldest DD has not been hard, but younger one is tricky. I don't think I have ever related to teenagers even when I was one and I don't think this helps. Strangely my own mother is much better with this age then when DCs were younger.

I did say to a friend not long ago "Weren't they easy when they were two?" her reply was similar to Maryz.

That said nothing too disastrous but it would be nice to think I had some influence...

fwiw maryz, my sister, after many rough years,has turned her life around. She is now in her second yr of uni, living/providing for herself and really doing so well.

I cant imagine how hard it must be. My mum to came under the judgement of other parents/friends. They considered her too soft/accepting. She was even told onserveral occasion to kick my sister out!

Thank god she didnt, instead choosing to support her and ride the storm. Thankfully it became apparent she made the right decision after what came out the woodwork in recent years. Although at time she didnt know what was best and wondered if it could help my sister if she was hard on her.

My sis also smoked alot of weed etc aswell as taking alot of other stuff and she to agrees that weed was awful and really messed with her head/life. One day she just decided enough is enough and stopped smoking/taking anything

I think as a parent it in unimaginably hard and i know i just pray that when my children are teens and if they go through hard times, that they will get through and come outof the other side unscathed. And i hope i can be the mother my mother was and be there waiting for them.

Another one here with two lovely teenagers. I feel very lucky. I am not sure how I would cope with four though, as they still need a lot of time and energy (and money) spending on them as they get older.