Bit random, but how 'hard' is it parenting teenagers??

[threecurrantbuns]

Im interested as i have 3under 5s and considering a fourth but obviously am oblivious to the teenage part of parenting i cant help thinking maybe another would be ok now but would it when they are all teens!?

some people seem to take great pleasure in telling me how much harder things gets and how babies/toddlers arent a patch on teeneagers, i never thought alot of it but now im starting to wonder if it really is all so bad, people have made it sound like complete torture with no pleasure involved at all

I would love more teens. And more energy.

Just read this thread through and really enjoyed it - very interesting.

I don't know if it's any "harder", parenting teenagers than parenting little ones but it is certainly different...

Here's my two penn'arth:

The baby stage, I loved. Give me a baby and I'm in my element. I completely "get" babies and found the whole thing very natural, easy and enjoyable.

Toddlers, however, were a whole different ball game. As alien land, really. Often found it very challenging and sometimes downright miserable. Don't think I could do it again, to be honest

Teenagers - even WITH all the teenagery stuff, I still think this is my favourite stage of all - or at least on a par with little babies.

A very small selection of "Downsides" of life as a Mum of teenagers for me would include:

Arsey, bolshy behaviour

Spectacular self-centeredness
Untidiness/ general thoughtlessness around the house
Worries over nights out/ drink/ physical safely
Worries over sex/ morality/ emotional well-being
Endless angst over how strict/ liberal to be - "EVERYONE ELSES MUM is letting them! Why do YOU always have to be so GAY?!"
Sleep deprivation because of having to pick them up late/ not sleeping properly until they are in
Constant shifting of goal-posts - what is acceptable to you and them changes and changes and changes again, very rapidly
Knowing it's your job to prepare them for an independent life but feeling inexplicable, raw pain as they ebb away from you towards that independent life
Riding the hormonal roller-coaster with two DDs. PMS is really quite extraordinary to observe when you're not in the starring role!
Cost! The cost of teenagers takes my breath away. I have two and I am staggered by how much they cost us. Makes the cost of younger children look very good value in comparison!
However badly they behave, you have to dig deep and find it in yourself to behave better. However awful they are, you can never walk away, you have to work out a way forward. It's really, really hard sometimes.
When they're little, you have ultimate control because you're Mummy - whatever you say or do. When you have teenagers, if you behave like a prat, they will laugh at you in a "God, you're pathetic" sort of way. If you behave like an even bigger prat they will walk out: "I'm going to stay at Kate's house". Cue the horror of the humiliation of knowing Kate's Mum will be there with the cup of tea while your DD tells her how unreasonable you are...

A very small selection of "Upsides" of life as a Mum of teenagers for me would include:

They are SO much fun! SO full of life and passion and drama and their lives are so packed and exciting and there's always so much happening and it's all fast-moving and quite exhilerating. And there's ALWAYS something new...
We love the same music - dance around to Rihanna and pinch stuff from each other's iTunes. Still shudder to think how many times we used to have to endure the wheels on the bus in the car...
Ditto films - forget all those cheesey kids' films - we can go and see The Kings Speech/ Never Let Me Go or whatever and then talk about it over pizza
Long journeys are a doddle - see shared music taste above and stuff like Facebook on phones to fiddle with
They can be great company and same goes for their lovely friends. They're fab, interesting people and have lots to say and contribute and they make us laugh - SO much fun.
Shopping - love going shopping with my girls - they love clothes and makeup and girlie stuff and everything looks amazing on them
They don't think to offer to do much in the way of housework but will hoover without complaining if asked
They both cook. They quite often like the look of a recipe in a magazine and ask if they can make it for supper ("why, yes!")...
They're competant at lots of stuff so it makes playing tennis/ a board game/ whatever with them good fun, because it's a real and fair game, if that makes sense.
As cat64 said, you can do your own thing, live your own life and not have to arrange child-care or drag everyone with you.
They can travel independently

They CAN be really thoughtful and sweet and lovely and cuddley still!

Overall, I'm really enjoying the teenage years... I do sometimes wish I had had another child but then I do often feel that the financial cost of the of the two that we've got is quite daunting...

Good luck with your decision, OP.

I love your post Cyril, that describes my feelings/life too.

God, yes, the cooking they do for you...om nom nom...

I have a 14yr old and a rising to teen, both girls.

I liked the baby stage, but not the lack of sleep.

I hated the toddler stage with a vengeance

There was a period between the ages of 8 and 11 that was utterly wonderful. They had enough independence to let them off the leash a bit, but still needed mummy.

Now, when dd1 turned 13 it was like the world went insane. She went completely off the rails - didn't really do much that most teens don't do, just did it a lot younger than others which left her with a legacy of emotional damage because she didn't have the maturity to deal with the fallout of the things that she did. She's a lot happier now, she's had a school change and we have the support of CAMHS, and as she matures she's dealing with the shit much better. Now that I'm seeing much more of the person she's growing into instead of the head spinning green puking girl from the exocist, I like what I see. She's funny, insightful, feels strongly about things and is good company.

She called me a 'babe' the other day, a compliment I hate which until now has been reserved for her boyfriend's mum, so I think we've turned a corner.... just in time for puberty to kick in with dd2 I think it's highly unlikely that dd2 will go through the trial by fire introduction into a more adult life that dd1 did (she's very different from her sister) but even if she does, we will be better prepared for what to expect.

I think the financial part is what scares me the most actually! We dont really have spare cash now and i econminise on the children clothes etc by buying only what they need and welcome 2nds from friends. The time will come where they want to go shopping choose their own clothes etc. (i remember it well)

we live in a village and enjoy the free simple pleasures lol...We arent big into technology as in games consoles, iphones, ipods etc part of me hopes that the children wont be either. I know this is the way of the world and dont get me wrong i would love and ipod iphone etc but it just happens that finances go on other things. So have no idea how that cash would suddenly become avaliable through the teenage years??

We are by no means hard up but our income covers clothes ,food, bill etc where to people get the additional expensive 'toy' budget from?

I didnt grow up with the, then, luxuries either and now i am quite glad of it but do worry about the children being excluded we cant afford the 'norm'

Also do wonder how we will afford extra curricular activities time three let alone four but are they really essential, another thing i didnt grow up with although was desperate to do dance lesson etc at the time.

I also worked from the age of 13 and funded most of my own funding, but its a different time now so not so easy for younger teenagers to work.

Yeah, they are good questions to ask. I haven't got any very positive answers, though. You can get buy with limiting electronic stuff to what they must have to not be excluded - which certainly doesn't mean they have to have tons. A computer is the basis - you can get most social stuff on that.

There is a lot of mutual respect among parents who do limit electronic stuff. Also, my dc have been most envious of people having extended families, so lots of big family parties etc.

Yes need to also keep them up to date its a must for future work propects etc. One downside to being at sahm is that my I.T. Skills are now dated, i plan to do course to enable myself to help them.

I already have to share our laptop with two computer literate dds (4&3yrs old)

I have visions of 5laptops in a few years

My dad did half heartly make hints of getting them ipads for xmas when they were using his a few weeks ago OMG can you imagine. I mean that would be amazing, but seriously they are 4&3. Scary. Would be very helpful for me though

not too sure about this thread just read cyrils post and my teens don't do any of the positive things despite being very well behaved children and me investing a lot of time etc. when they were younger.
they really don't want to know me at the moment - i don't see them with any of their friends they want to be on their own with them.they don't have a particularly hectic social life or do anything too exciting.however i can identify with all of the negatives on cyrils post for ds.
dd is fine at the mo but got a feeling the teenage years haven't really kicked in yet.
hey ho .

I have to say i agree on the technology side of things, yes a computer is a must imo...but i dispise computer consols, i would rather see children/teens out and about. I grew up with minimul money and my childhood memories are of playing out with friends for hours on end. We played roller hockey, rounders, built dens etc.

Doesnt mean my children will be the same but i would love their life not to resolve around electronic gadgets! Makes me watching children palying for hrs on computer often violent games to

I have to weigh up whether my children would benifit more from an extra sibling and less stuff and pay for hobbies.

Or more out of school activities, ballet, swimming etc and possibly more tech, the in phone etc. Although think the chances of them all having all of those luxuries is already gone anyway.

Also taking into account the massive negativity towards the no3 in terms of the no of children you have

I either hear people saying the hating growing up as one of three, or parents saying that you should have had 2 or 4, not 3 as someone is always left out or messed up.

Then the mums that have said that 4 is much easier the 2 as they pair up

Funny - today I was just thinking of starting a thread on the plus sides of parenting teens because I love it. Ds is only 14 so I'm well aware that it could all go pear shaped but just for now I can honestly say I'm enjoying it more than any other stage.

A teen can share a genuinly funny joke and have a wicked sense of humour.
They can discuss really interesting moral issues such as abortion, politics or religion.
They are starting to develop real independence and making their own choices that we have no influence over (and we watch in awe and trepidation as they more often than not make good choices).
They can actually be useful and do real jobs around the house (although my dss today managed to hang an entire basket of dirty (dry) washing out on the line instead of the basket of clean wet washing )
They still love their mum more than anything else in the world and enjoy tolerate cuddles if there are no friends around.

It's such a pity that we are taught to fear teens so much that parents are even scared of their own children turning 13.

My ds was an angel til he was 16 The last 6 months an absolute nightmare here and at college no one him included knows why. He seems to have turned a corner again and is a lot better but the ups and downs are so random and extreme it is a challenge. When he is nice he is charm itself the rest of the time he is Kevin the teenager in a male models body which is disconcerting to say teh least.

Like Maryz, the costs I'm talking about are the educational and extra curricular stuff that my girls do - music lessons, music exam fees, extra lessons and rehearsals with the accompanist, need to replace DD1's instrument because it's a basic piece and she's completely out-grown it a long-time ago, tennis lessons, (this one's tennis skirt has become obscene, that one's racket needs to be re-gripped) hockey club subs for DD2, plus hockey sticks, pads. DofE expeditions and all the paraphernalia that that involves. Then there are the school trips - we say "no" to any that are just a jolly but "yes" to French exchange just prior to the oral exam/ Geography field trip to collect material for GCSE coursework etc etc. And so on and so on. The list is endless and it's constant. Some of these things are not at all expensive but it all adds up, when you're doing it for two.

It's our choice to give them these opportunities and I'm happy to do so - sport and music are fun, healthy and sociable and help make kids into rounded people. If they weren't interested, I'd pull it all immediately and wouldn't waste my money but they both absolutely love what they do to bits and have got so much out of these sorts of things over the years. So, whilst it's a bit eye-watering, I don't bedrugde the sacrifices we make.

Clearly, there is a finite amount of resources in all of our houses - we all only have so much time/ money/ brain space and it's up to individual families to make their own decisions on how and where to allocate those resources. We go without other stuff that's less important to us.

There's no right or wrong here, OP, just what's right for you ... As I say, I sometimes (often) wish I'd had another - I love the idea of a large family.

I have a 13 and 15 year old and find this the easiest stage. They are fairly self sufficient but still want to do stuff with us. It is an expensive stage though. They have sexpensive school trips ie DS off to battlefields for history gcse.
DD has a singing lesson, life saving and scouts. She volunteers at a playscheme which thankfully doesn't cost anything.

DS kayaks, thankfully gets free gym at school. DofE trips etc

They are in adult size clothes.

DS will have to pay adult fares to get to school from september, even though if he was in 6th form or college he would get a discount, which really doesn't seem right.
They are very gadgety oriented, but DS is a summer boy and would rather spend a weekend having a picnic/bbq with his mates river jumping than stay home now.

AlisonsDiary - do you think you could post without constantly mentioning your blog?

I completely agree cyrilsneer it depends on how much the children are enjoying/getting out of the activities.

I have friends for example you have started their daughters at ballet the day they turn three (the minimum age at our local classes) me included my daughter loved it and also did well at that and i know dd2 would love to do it also but a couple of them just ran around like crazy being pains imo, but still their parents insisted on thier little girls doing ballet..almost just because its the done thing for little girls

As it happens i stopped taking my dd1 to ballet when ds arrived at the time it just wasnt great logistically and time wise with a toddler and newborn to take along too and dd2 was beginning to ask to start and i knew i was on the start of possibly years of very expensive dance classes, uniforms exams, shoes etc. So i suppose you could say i quit while i was ahead But at time feel awful as dd1 still talks about it.

Although dd1 has always had swimming lessons and is an extremely strong at it and most importantly she LOVES it, i often say i can see her in a swim club when she is old enough. Its great and a fab hobbY as its great exercise, healthy etc. In some ways i think maybe it is better to excel at one thing than do everything going as many of my friends children do!

I feel it is a life skill therefore dd2 now has lessons and so will ds in the next couple of years aswell, therefore that alone will be a big bill when it comes in for three.

I am changing views slightly now to as originally i felt like if one does something then they should all get the chance but mine are already showing strong differences dd1 loves and i believe will excel at most things physical and i almost feel it would be wrong to not give her those optunities as without blowing her trumpet i really do believe she could go far at swimming/gymnastics or athletics.

Whereas dd2 would prob completely hate gymnastics/athletics...far to worrying/scary for her she is happy with her own company looking through books making up her own fairytales

And ds who knows, suppose what im saying in what ive realised in a massive waffle (sorry) is that i would hate to not afford something that i know they they would love and excel at. Not just a fad of the moment.

Also maybe if they have something outside of school that they love it may keep them out of trouble...maybe thats naive of me, but i remember a friend of mine saying if she hadnt been so into her horse riding she prob would have been hanging at the graveyard drinking cider with her friends.

And i completely agree other things are well worth giving up to enable xtra curric for the children.

I love the idea of a large family to, which is clouding my judgement atm...i think atm its a case of head over heart, trying to come to the best decision for everyone involved.

ALOT of reasons not to, but still the idea is circling round my brain lol

cat very true after posting i realised that we sometimes use birthday money etc from relatives to pay for swimming etc, and just get them a small opener.

We are lucky that dh's parents had a few granchildren before ours arrived therefore we have managed to make the most of hand me down bikes etc.

I am SAHM but tbh cant see that changeing now as i wouldnt earn through the holidays etc paying for childcare time three just doesnt make working worthwhile but that will be the same i think whether we have more or not. So dont think our income will increase in the furture. But you are right if you thought about finances to much you would probably never start a family.

I was the child growing up who didnt have much in the way of nice clothes and didnt do any xtra curric activities, saying that i had good friends to whom it didnt matter and luckily fro me my best friend who i was joined at the hip with had everything going and so did her two brothers when they upgrade/outgrew it often went to me

I never minded and was very happy with what ever my mum could afford i knew things were tough for her, but wont lie did used to wish i could go shopping for nice clothes and afford to do the things some of my firends did, but ultimately, now as an adult i am so pleased i didnt have alot, i learnt to appreciate what i have had and the important non material things in life. But there is still a little bit inside that wants to give my children some opptunities that i missed out on.

"I do think that extra-curricular activities are very important for teenagers - the ones playing sport at a reasonable level, the dedicated scouters, the dancers, the drama-lovers, the musicians (well maybe not the musicians shock) are much less likely to become the hangers-around-on-the-railway-trackers, iyswim."

I do so agree, Maryz. Parents of primary aged children need to know this so that they can lay the right foundations early for extra-curricular activities for teens.