Gay surrogacy

[Queenieoh]

My male gay best friend and his husband are using an American surrogate to have a baby. I am anti-surrogacy and finding it so hard to be supportive about it. I want them both to be happy but I really don't think this is the right thing to do. I know my opinion won't change their mind and most of our friends think surrogacy is fine. I guess I am not looking for advice, just some solidarity in the fact that buying a baby (for a huge sum of money) is wrong! They're even choosing the sex which is just so creepy IMO. Also, they're both very busy professionals so will undoubtedly have a nanny to raise the child... Why do people think they're entitled to have children?!

My friend commented on gay couples using a surrogate, and said it wasn't too bad for gay men to have a baby boy, but not a girl, as they need mums. As a mum of two boys, that upset me? Boys need mums too!

Totally agree with you.

Absolutely abhorrent. I’m just about ok with gay adoption (ideally a child SHOULD have a mother AND a father, no matter how unfashionable that view is) but surrogacy is just out and out wrong. Poor child.

To those who think that same sex couples shouldn't raise a child - how do they feel about single parent families where there is only ONE parent available? What's the difference? Two loving parents of the same sex is as valid as a single parent upbringing. I know it's a bit off topic but people do like to post before they think.

Commercial surrogacy aside, I’m not opposed to gay couples raising a child of the opposite sex. Not at all.

I always think about gay surrogacy when I watch Long Lost Family. Watching a 50 something year old man sobbing because he's never known his mother. Totally arrogant and selfish to say a child doesn't 'need' the other parent.
Wait til they're older.

If single parenthood is an unforeseen circumstance that arises once the child is already here (divorce, death etc) , then that parent is no doubt doing the best they can and should absolutely be supported.

If a single person knowingly chooses to have a child on their own then that’s a different situation. Not the best thing for the child and a bit selfish of the parent.

I think it's the deliberate deprivation of the other biological parent. Growing up never knowing who they are. Everyone needs to know who they come from, at least a name.
Not the same as a single parent or same sex where the child knows or is in contact with other parent.

Often kids with single parents don't have a clue who their other parent is - there are three examples I have read tonight on Mumsnet.

I agree, not great for the child

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp what about gay men adopting a baby?

I consider surrogacy to be the commissioning and purchasing of another human being. Nothing at all like adoption where an existing child is in need of parents.

ETA: I wasn’t criticising your post, btw

What is the issue with this? Theyve gone to the trouble of progressing a surrogacy only to get a nanny to look after any child?🙄

She has lots of sass and they adore her. Yes I specifically looked and she’s adopted from a young age. I looked after babies that went to
gay couples often the first sibling then within 18 months the second one at birth. I can’t say I saw this with conventional couples. I put it down to the area 😀

I completely disagree with this statement. My sister has a dd by a male donor as she simply didnt meet a man she felt anywhere near suitable to have a child with and at 40 knew her time was running out. She went to Greece for treatment and my niece is a well loved, well grounded child. I’m glad she did it on her own and not with some half wit that could have potentially completely ruined my nieces life. There are millions of children whom ever know one parent who turn out perfectly fine. There’s probably millions more growing up in broken homes conceived the more conventional way that end up messed up individuals.

But would you have liked aged 7 not to have had a mother?

It's morally reprehensible to deliberately deprive a child of its mother

I’m incredibly against surrogacy but I do find it a bit laughable when people who already have kids say ‘no one is entitled to have children’. Not so sure you would be of the same opinion if you couldn’t conceive and wanted the maximum amount of rounds of IVF on the NHS.

I think the problem arises when a child grows up and naturally they want to know about their missing biological parent

Nobody is saying that - your actually arguing against yourself

that mother will still be in children’s lives

also your post belittles mothers who don’t go out to paid work as not giving their child the best

There are so many ethical issues involved in surrogacy, so many awful practices - women are being trafficked to be surrogates under threat of violence for example, unwanted babies are discarded to goodness knows what sort of upbringing, there are hardly any checks on prospective parents and paedophiles have obtained babies.

I'm sure this couple is going with a reputable agency, but it is still part of a global people trafficking business.

Surrogacy is being seen as a LGBT+ issue as it allows gay men to have a biological child and is therefore seen as a fertility rights issue.

Well off gay and single men can now have a child without any need to even speak to a woman. No co-parenting either.

The risks are huge. And yet the authorities want to make it even easier.

Just awful. Adoption practice changed because people started to understand the importance of the mother/child relationship. Thecemphasis is now on the needs of the child. Surrogacy is back to it being about the adults.

What about the women being trafficked or tricked or coerced into doing it? They aren't all doing it for personal gain. Often men like fathers or husbands are pushing them into it.

Agree. Show me the evidence that removing a child from its mother is not harmful and i'd be happy for it to go ahead. It's being allowed because society is too scared of showing prejudice against a minority (gay people) and we don't know the effect on the child. Having had two children myself and seeing how my relationship with them differs from their dad's (both loving, but different!) I just don't think it's right to remove a child from its mother. (Single parenting for unavoidable reasons and doing your best in this situation is completely different from deliberately bringing a child into a situation with no mother).

I just couldn’t be around that, I’d just have to distance myself.
It’s not because they’re two men, it’s because buying a baby is morally wrong no matter how you look at it