Partner in rehab - can anyone share their experiences?

[prDeltoid]

Well, Happy New Year to you all!

My partner went into rehab this week for alcohol addiction. He has a long history of alcohol abuse, along with depression/anxiety. He made this move himself, and wants to be clean. I’m supporting him as much and as well as I can. I’m relieved he is there, but also exhausted, scared, worried, you name it.

I’m reaching out because I don’t know anyone who has been in this position before, either as the person in rehab or the partner of someone in rehab, and I want to hear how people got through it, what your experiences are, etc.

Speaking to him today and he wants to come home already - he knows he’s in the best place but isn’t good at talking to strangers and a day of sessions/meetings has left him overwhelmed and questioning it all…

@SunshinePie slrry to hear you are having a hard time!! I am sorry I have to agree with @tribpot there is no way they can say the wo t relapse after 2 weeks they are in a bubble on there and medicated with 24 hour support! Coming back out in to the real world is a big change! How long is he staying in for?

@prDeltoid im am sorry to hear he is drinking again they do recommend drinking at all after rehab! Please do not try and keep an eye on it it will drive you crazy!

@wonderingwhat2022willbring im so sorry to hear you moved out but glad you have done it so that you are safe!!! Has you moving out shocked him?

as for me I have ended my marriage and have started divorce proceedings while he has turned a corner and seemed to be doing well I realised that I know longer wanted to be him due to the abuse and also just other things!! It was actually a relief to make the decision!! Unfortunately he has since had a mental episode and ended back in rehab for a month and since coming out has taken to being abusive to me again verbally!! But I am moving forward!

He really shouldn’t be drinking at all. It’s not your job to keep an eye on it. A really unhealthy dynamic.

No, you guys are right. It’s not my job. I guess I meant more that because we live together I see it/notice it it, if that makes sense? I’m not policing.

Not everyday, and like 3 ciders at a time. If he looks like he wants more, we talk about how it’s a bad idea, slippery slope etc.
That's policing. He may have asked you to do it, to help him not drink more, but it's still giving you a role in managing his alcohol consumption that isn't yours to play. I would try to practice what Al Anon call 'detach with love'. These are his choices, he needs to own them.

Ok, gotcha. It’s difficult isn’t it, because obviously we talk to each other about everything. I don’t want to be policewoman. And I would hate to think that my behaviour/input (because that’s all I can control!) contributed to anything unhealthy. Will look at the Al Anon stuff. Cheers, @tribpot x

Thank you for the good wishes everyone. This thread has been really helpful.

@tribpot I haven't been to AlAnon yet but thank you for suggesting- I think I will. I had been going to online Smart Recovery Friends and Family for a while and found it useful.

@Tryingmyhardesteveryday
It's hard to tell what impact it had on him. He woke me up on Thursday at about 6.30am ranting and raving, having not slept- and I already had a bag packed and was on my way to parents by 8.30am. I said "I love you" as I walked out the door and he said "I don't love you, you've ruined my family" or something like that. He's since sent me a few messages saying I've ruined everything and done the only thing he asked me not to do (contact his family). I had said I'd be back on Sunday but I'm not going to go back, definitely can't be staying under the same roof again unless he gets help.

I can understand why you can't stay married, despite him getting help (temporarily at least). It's very difficult to see how so many bridges can be rebuilt, when there are so many hurts and serious breaches of trust. I hope you're feeling more positive about your future, well done on your courage.

@prDeltoid
Sounds difficult trying to balance all this- I hope AlAnon helps. Did you say if he is getting therapy/support?

Hi, I know you posted this a while ago, I am going through this exact thing right now.
Can I ask how you coped and got through it?
This is day 2 and I'm struggling.

Hi MissyXmummy - sorry to hear you’re struggling… very much understand what you’re going through!

In terms of getting through it… I guess we’re still getting through it! I count myself as one of the luckier ones because my guy is pretty open with me and is keen to get sober. But he has had many stumbling blocks along the way, as you’ll have seen from reading this thread. Where he is at the moment though, is a pretty good place compared to this time a year ago. He is now attending meetings regularly and is in a period of dry-ness. He’s found some coping mechanisms that work for him when he has cravings and at the moment we’re doing well.

if I can give you any advice at all it is to learn about enabling, detaching with love and policing. I thought I was doing things right by keeping an eye on his consumption, trying to find solutions for him etc, but all it did in the end was exhaust me because those were things he should have been doing himself. I also finally got to a place where I could confidently set boundaries - eg “if X happens again, you need to find yourself somewhere else to live” which was hard for me to say because I’d never said it before, but it was weirdly comforting in a way because I knew I was looking after myself. Because that’s all you can do.

Tribpot has given some great advice in this thread too, so please give their posts a read (thank you Tribpot - your comments about policing really helped me xxx)

Take things one day at a time and do not forget to put yourself (and your kids if you have any) first. Much love and good luck x

@wonderingwhat2022willbring how are you?

@MissyXmummy do you want to share some more details of what your going through? It’s hard and different for everyone!

MissyXmummy I am sorry you are going through this. Please go to Al Anon as you will find help and support there from people who have experienced, or are experiencing, the same as you.

prDeltoid I’m glad your partner is sober at the moment.

Glad to hear you're doing well @prDeltoid

How’s everyone getting on?

I’d name changed but was on this thread last summer. I hope you’re all doing ok?
My alcoholic husband and I separated last summer. I discovered he’d been cheating and also doing coke, whilst I’d been trying to get him help/ been being sympathetic to his poor mental health and inability to stop drinking. I still do feel very sorry for him, despite him wasting years of my 30s, but it is such a relief to be living by myself and not living in the chaos (and fear) of life with an alcoholic. It can seem so hard to see things clearly when you’re stuck inside the relationship/situation. So much clicked when I was able to step away, including realising how much I was enabling and not helping him, by trying so hard to help. Addiction is a terrible disease.