Partner in rehab - can anyone share their experiences?

[prDeltoid]

Well, Happy New Year to you all!

My partner went into rehab this week for alcohol addiction. He has a long history of alcohol abuse, along with depression/anxiety. He made this move himself, and wants to be clean. I’m supporting him as much and as well as I can. I’m relieved he is there, but also exhausted, scared, worried, you name it.

I’m reaching out because I don’t know anyone who has been in this position before, either as the person in rehab or the partner of someone in rehab, and I want to hear how people got through it, what your experiences are, etc.

Speaking to him today and he wants to come home already - he knows he’s in the best place but isn’t good at talking to strangers and a day of sessions/meetings has left him overwhelmed and questioning it all…

The rehab facility may have a family support group. You could contact www.al-anonuk.org.uk which is for the family/friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength & hope in order to solve their common problems. They also have a helpline 0800 0086 811 from 10am-10pm 365 days a year.

What I would say is that he needs to be questioning it all. I don't mean questioning the value of rehab, but questioning the history of the behaviour that's landed him there and that he will need to change if he wants to be successful at staying sober. You might want to read Rachel's Holiday if you haven't - it's a very funny novel but Marian Keyes knows what she's taking about when it comes to addiction.

Make sure you use this time apart to work on your own recovery. You've no doubt been under immense strain in the run-up to him going into rehab, and spending your time worrying about him won't give you a chance to breathe and think about something other than his addiction. Al Anon as @serene12 suggests would be very useful for you.

Hopefully he can stick with it and 2022 can be a much better year for you both. But it is going to need a lot of hard work on his part. The book that really helped me when I first stopped drinking has a companion volume for the families problem drinkers. I haven't read it but you may find it useful - Help Them Beat the Booze. Good luck.

@tribpot thank you so much, I appreciate the book suggestions, will definitely check them out. And yeah, I am trying to work on myself -hard, though, after worrying about someone else for so long. I’ve kind of forgotten how to do it.

@serene12 yes, I’ve been in touch with Al-Anon already, they’ve sent me a list of Zoom meetings I can dial into and I’m gonna get in touch with a local group.

I do feel more positive than I did before he went in, but it’s unknown territory for both of us. Thanks again to you both, I appreciate the replies x

I went to in rehab for a months stay. The first week or so was so daunting and I felt so terrible and wanted to come home. After that I embraced it and really made the most of it. I learnt lots, and made some friends, 3 of which are no longer here. That was 9 years ago and I have never looked back. Good luck to you both

@lovelovelove2 - that kind of sounds like where he’s at now. The first few days have been horrible, but I spoke to him today and he seems much more positive; telling me about the sessions, eating, shaking has stopped, etc. Hoping that he’s embracing it like you did!

My husband went in on the 23rd for 10days I know not a long stay but it fit in with not working over Christmas!
within the first hour he’d text me to say he already has an argument with another person in there and that he hated it!
But since then he seems to be doing well and is now off his medication and doing ok!
He is also not in to talking to strangers or about his feelings but since being in there I have heard it’s amazing what talking to other addicts can do for you, he seems to understand that he treated us appallingly and wants to carry on being sober.
I don’t know what the future holds for us I had made the decision to move out before he made it to rehab due to his behaviour.
Just remember you need to look after yourself it is exhausting and all consuming worrying about an alcoholic.

I've been in AA for 14 years and I'd say that maybe half the people I've met, who are AA long timers, started their journey in rehab (I wasn't one of them). I think it's like anything else - you get out what you put in. For the first couple of weeks, a lot of people have said that contact with family and friends is discouraged, or at least kept to a minimum, because the idea is that they find their own path. Lots of people have said they hated the first week and gritted their teeth; some were in under duress from spouse/family. Everyone has a slightly different journey but many rehabs use a 12 step programme and if that's the case then Al Anon would definitely be helpful for you.

@HuntingoftheSnark

I've been in AA for 14 years and I'd say that maybe half the people I've met, who are AA long timers, started their journey in rehab (I wasn't one of them). I think it's like anything else - you get out what you put in. For the first couple of weeks, a lot of people have said that contact with family and friends is discouraged, or at least kept to a minimum, because the idea is that they find their own path. Lots of people have said they hated the first week and gritted their teeth; some were in under duress from spouse/family. Everyone has a slightly different journey but many rehabs use a 12 step programme and if that's the case then Al Anon would definitely be helpful for you.

Thanks @HuntingoftheSnark if you don’t mind me asking, how often do you go to AA meetings now? Do you find that lots of people stick with it for years following rehab?

This place does use 12 steps, and they seem quite happy for residents to keep in touch with family, just not during sessions. The daytimes seem quite packed with group sessions, 1-2-1 stuff etc., so it’s not like he’s on the phone all the time but in his down time it’s good for him to reach out, I think. I guess each facility is different, though?

@Tryingmyhardesteveryday

My husband went in on the 23rd for 10days I know not a long stay but it fit in with not working over Christmas! within the first hour he’d text me to say he already has an argument with another person in there and that he hated it! But since then he seems to be doing well and is now off his medication and doing ok! He is also not in to talking to strangers or about his feelings but since being in there I have heard it’s amazing what talking to other addicts can do for you, he seems to understand that he treated us appallingly and wants to carry on being sober. I don’t know what the future holds for us I had made the decision to move out before he made it to rehab due to his behaviour. Just remember you need to look after yourself it is exhausting and all consuming worrying about an alcoholic.

@Tryingmyhardesteveryday sounds like we’re in similar boats! You look after yourself too x

@prDeltoid thanks I am having some counselling which has helped loads and taught me that looking after your self is a top priority so I was doing ok it’s been tough over Christmas!
Try make sure you have support aswell I don’t know about you but I’ve found it to be a very lonely place trying to deal with the whole situation. Feel free to message me if you want to chat more x

[quote Tryingmyhardesteveryday]@prDeltoid thanks I am having some counselling which has helped loads and taught me that looking after your self is a top priority so I was doing ok it’s been tough over Christmas!
Try make sure you have support aswell I don’t know about you but I’ve found it to be a very lonely place trying to deal with the whole situation. Feel free to message me if you want to chat more x[/quote]
@Tryingmyhardesteveryday I was thinking about counselling too. Will look into it more, I think. It’s a weird place to be in, I’m finding, because yes - it is lonely - but at the same time I need space to process everything. Thanks for the offer of DMing, and likewise if you want to message me x

You might find Bryony Gordon's book - "Glorious Rock Bottom" useful. It's about her experience of going into rehab for alcohol addiction. It's a really honest and easy read and she talks all about the 12 step process and how she made it through. Best wishes and make sure you take care of yourself too!

@prDeltoid absolutely each rehab centre is different and in fact I've known people go to different places at different times. One size doesn't fit all. How many meetings .... it's so dependent upon people. There's an unwritten rule of 90 meetings in 90 days, which isn't feasible for everybody (or wasn't, before Zoom). I've also heard that you should attend a meeting on any day that you would have had a drink (so for most of us, that was every day). These days, I tend to do three meetings a week (on average).

The other points are to have a sponsor, work the steps and do service.

I’m surprised he’s allowed to phone home so early, my family member wasn’t allowed to for two weeks do you wan

Prepare yourself for being ferociously angry with him when he comes out as all the pain and suffering and disappointment can surface as soon as he begins to go clean. That's why counselling and Alanon for yourself are so helpful. I have experience in my extended family. The person thankfully is off alcohol for 10 years and doing well.
Look after yourself.

It has helped me loads so something to definitely look in to!
Yeah I get what you mean but it is good to be around other people and doing other things that you like to do! Which reminds me I must remind myself that as have fallen in to a bit of a low mood with the new year!
Was your partner attending AA before this? X

@Legdaysucks thanks for the tip - gonna have a huge reading list at this rate!

@Tryingmyhardesteveryday no, not AA - he’s been with Addaction (I think they might be called something else now) a couple of times but unsuccessfully. But he’s much more motivated this time, though.

@junebirthdaygirl yeah, sometimes I feel like he’ll get home and we’ll be so happy to see each other and it’ll be great, etc etc, but I know this is wishful thinking! I’m also angry and sad and out at sea. But we’re just at the beginning of all this. Hopefully I can educate myself and be bettered prepared for what to expect when he gets out, and he’ll likewise have taken on what he’s learning there, and be able to get through it. Bloody knackered, though

Use the time he is away to rest, have a walk do things you find restful, enjoy not listening for him to come in. Make this time about you . Leave him to the experts. And maybe not too much contact.

OP, I hope you're doing ok. Do you mind me asking what has led to your partner accepting he needs help and going to rehab? Has it taken a lot of conversations between you/other events?
If it's inappropriate for me to ask here, I am very sorry, please do excuse me.
I've read this thread with interest as my DH has been struggling with alcohol dependency/poor mental health and it feels impossible to reach him. I really hope that your partner's recovery goes well and that you are ok.

@wonderingwhat2022willbring It’s been building up over the last few months really… he had a pretty severe depressive episode, ended up in hospital, and since then the alcohol intake increased beyond anything I’d seen before in him. Up til then he’d kind of been “functioning”, but once the physical symptoms started to worsen he came to realise that things had gone too far and he started to look for help. We probably did have a lot of conversations about it, but we’ve always been very open with each other so it doesn’t really feel like I had to sit him down and intervene. His family have also been really supportive, and were key in getting him into rehab. I’m sorry to hear you’re in a similar situation - hoping your DH can find a way forward, and that you look after yourself too x

@prDeltoid thank you for your reply. I'm so glad you have supportive family around and that your partner recognised he needed help. Best wishes with everything. I'm going to buy the book recommended higher up by a PP, might be helpful (my DH is very secretive and in denial that there's an issue, despite having been off work sick, significant weight loss and paranoid episodes. No help from GP )

@wonderingwhat2022willbring I'm so sorry to hear the pain and struggle in your post. I was your DH and resolutely denied that there were issues. I basically isolated myself as much as possible and managed to convince myself that the issues in my life were down to other factors (although I certainly didn't think anyone else was to blame) in my life. We talk in AA of rock bottom, but a lot of people have a series of "bottoms" and the slow drip, drip realisation that our life is unmanageable due to alcohol and that we are powerless over it. It's not exactly something anyone wants to admit in a hurry, which is why it can take a while.

Also remember the three Cs - you didn't cause this, cannot control it and can't cure it.

@wonderingwhat2022willbring sorry to hear you are in a similar position! Hope you don’t mind me asking does your DH hide his drinks? Did he tell you or did you find out?
I think the worst part for me and I’m sure a lot of people is the lies, I doubt myself constantly at the moment (something I need to work on I guess) because of all the lies when the reality is I was probably right everytime I questioned if he was drunk. He basically shut down and it was only when I found out how bad it actually was that I pretty much told him it was rehab or nothing! Unfortunately due to when he wanted to go and the weeks between and the person he became I had to move out anyway.
In my experience if they aren’t open to talking about the problem it becomes very hard for everyone involved.

@HuntingoftheSnark thank you so much for your reply. Isolating yourself sounds very familiar, my DH struggles to stay in touch with family/friends. Unlike you, he's big on blame and apparently the isolation is my fault, as is everything else.
I thought he'd have reached rock bottom realising it was affecting our fertility, his work etc. But not yet, so I'm actually at my parents and not sure what to do! I know you can't force someone to get help, but what are you meant to do when someone is in denial? Your thoughts have been really helpful, thank you. I'm glad you've managed to get help.

@Tryingmyhardesteveryday thank you for your post and I'm so sorry you're in the same boat too. I agree that the lies are the worst. He'll lie to my face and I kept finding bottles etc. I kept trusting/hoping he would sort it out and it's just got impossible to live with, he's made himself so sick and can't work, and he still denies there's an issue and says it's nothing to do with me. I'm having to be realistic and realise we may have to split up as I can't live like this anymore, I'm mid thirties and we wanted to have a family. I could make peace with not having a baby but not living with the lies and impact of alcohol for ever. 😢

@wonderingwhat2022willbring sounds so familiar to me! Also what you said to @HuntingoftheSnark about blame! I feel that pain to!! I have constantly been told i haven’t been there for him, I left him when he needed me!
While he needed me where was he I was working full time doing all the cooking cleaning washing shopping, worrying about him, worrying about my daughter I was making myself I’ll from exhaustion!
It’s hard to be there when someone is so vile to you day in day out!
I have lost all my confidence and even making decisions that aren’t that big in the grand scheme of things makes me anxious!!
I also resonate with the family thing my daughter is from a previous relationship, my DH has fertility issues we did Try IVF before all this happened and it makes me so angry what I had to put my body through it didn’t work and for what he is now putting me through. I am also in my late 30’s
I don’t know if this is the end but he did some pretty terrible things to me that I’m not sure i can forgive him for.
I think you are doing the right thing protecting yourself and staying with your parents because until they reach that point and ask for help there isn’t much you can do. It’s very hard and upsetting for everyone involved that’s for sure!