Partner in rehab - can anyone share their experiences?

[prDeltoid]

Well, Happy New Year to you all!

My partner went into rehab this week for alcohol addiction. He has a long history of alcohol abuse, along with depression/anxiety. He made this move himself, and wants to be clean. I’m supporting him as much and as well as I can. I’m relieved he is there, but also exhausted, scared, worried, you name it.

I’m reaching out because I don’t know anyone who has been in this position before, either as the person in rehab or the partner of someone in rehab, and I want to hear how people got through it, what your experiences are, etc.

Speaking to him today and he wants to come home already - he knows he’s in the best place but isn’t good at talking to strangers and a day of sessions/meetings has left him overwhelmed and questioning it all…

@wonderingwhat2022willbring I know that Al Anon advise detaching with love. I also know that I would never have a relationship with an alcoholic, and I know that's hypocritical. I've been in AA for 14 years and have a huge number of friends there, with sobriety of up to 35 years. Others who of course have gone back into the world to do further research, as we say.

I have one dear friend whose wife told him that she'd found a flat and was moving out with their son. He immediately checked into rehab, and he was drinking two litres of gin a day. He's now eight years sober. Yet other people have felt enormous resentment over such an ultimatum or others have paid lip service to the period in rehab, come out and kept their drinking even more hidden.

We all hid bottles, both full and empty. Some recovering alcoholics find them, years into sobriety. Part of our recovery is facing up to the lies, deceit and selfishness of our past, listing our resentments, asking to have defects of character removed, making lists of people we have harmed and making amends to them. Until your DH is ready, I (and mine is a very AA approach and I'm fully aware that it's not the only one) don't think that long term sobriety will be successful. To most alcoholics, the drink is the solution not the problem - we have to delve into our innermost selves to unravel why we drink in the first place. That's pretty painful. We convince ourselves for years that we can moderate, have just one, stick to wine, go for weeks without drinking ...... but we perpetually end up in the same place until we totally surrender and accept that we are powerless.

I wish you all the very best.

@Tryingmyhardesteveryday thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I bought that book recommended earlier in the thread and it does feel so reassuring to know other people have experienced similar things. I really hope your husband's treatment is successful, although I know nothing will be straightforward.

@HuntingoftheSnark thank you so much for your thoughts, it is so helpful learning more about all this.

@prDeltoid I'm sorry for derailing your thread a bit, how are you doing? I hope you're ok.

@wonderingwhat2022willbring don’t worry - it’s all illuminating for me too! It’s exactly what I need - hearing about other people’s experiences. Carry on

If it’s any help at all my ex went to rehab three times. The first didn’t last long, second for about four months and then the third I’m not sure as I wasn’t around for that. However, his was a drug addiction so may be a little different.

If I can be of any help at all please let me know!

Hello @prDeltoid @Tryingmyhardesteveryday @HuntingoftheSnark and anyone I've missed.

I've wondered every now and then about you all and how you're doing, as people in a similar situation with partners with substance problems. Sending best wishes to you all and hope you're all doing ok.

My partner is still in denial and drinking; any attempts to tackle the issues with him have been thrown of course by his father sadly passing away and an upcoming operation etc, which he is using as excuses to carry on as he is because of the stress. It's very sad and frustrating. And he's just had marijuana arrive in the post which is what's prompted me to write this- he hadn't smoked weed for a few months so this feels like even more to have to be putting up with.

Hi @wonderingwhat2022willbring sorry to hear you are having a tough time!! It is very hard when they don’t realise/accept they have a problem. Are you making sure you are looking after yourself?

My update is since he came out of rehab his behaviour was still appalling and at one point he was blocked on everything due to the constant messaging and calling it has been only in maybe the last few weeks he seems to of turned a corner and I was able to meet up with him after 8 weeks of not seeing him. He has returned to rehab today infact as he is struggling mentally and he told me he has relapsed a few times. He made the decision himself this time so it is a positive.

I still don’t know what the future holds at it’s worst I have already mentioned divorce he now wants to try rebuild our marriage but there is a lot of damage and I don’t know if they can be fixed at the minute. I still care about hun and at the minute I just want him to get well.

Hi everyone… hope you’re looking after yourselves. I was thinking about this thread the other day too

My partner came out of rehab nearly 6 weeks ago now. He’s had one relapse since then. What I found was that even though I knew the statistics (i.e. whatever % it is of people who go through rehab who end up relapsing - I can’t remember the number, but it is high), even though I knew it would be unlikely he’d stay dry for good, oh my god what a kick in the face it was when he relapsed. Until you see it happen, until you feel what it does to you as a partner, it is a number and nothing more. It was fucking horrible - felt like everything we’d done to help was a waste, felt useless, panicky - and to anyone who is going through this too, I understand and I’m here if you need to talk.

But, fast forward to today, he’s been dry again for a couple of weeks and he’s settling into himself again. And by that I mean he’s getting used to the non-drunk version of himself. He’s becoming more engaged in things, laughing more, talking more. He’s still getting cravings - yesterday, for example - but he didn’t act on them, so I’m hoping he’s gradually building an ability to resist them. He’ll probably slip again at some point, but we’ll pick things up and start again. Keep on keeping on!

Much love to you all x

PS - that book someone recommended (sorry, can’t remember who) How To Help Them Beat The Booze was great 👍

@Tryingmyhardesteveryday
That sounds so difficult. Really positive he's actually decided to return to rehab though, whatever the future may bring. That resonates with me about just wanting them to get better. Do you have friends or family you can talk to openly about it all?
I guess that cliche about taking one day at a time does make sense in this context, as we can't predict the future, but I know it's really difficult when it also feels like it's your life and marriage on the line, as well as their life/health. Sigh. Keeping my fingers crossed for your husband's recovery and hope you can take care of yourself too.

Thank you for asking, I'm trying to take care of myself- and generally doing fairly well focusing on my work/stuff, but keep being grabbed by a sense of dread and panic worrying he will never change. Reading "Beyond Addiction" which is helpful but also just makes me feel like any change will take so long and if I wasn't a woman in my mid thirties that wouldn't be such an issue :(

It’s not a journey for the faint hearted. It’s rocky and turbulous but coming out the other side is amazing. The healing process is long, I thought 6 weeks rehab would “cure” me…it takes years. Be prepared for the long haul. Addiction is a life long disease, keeping it in check will be something he has to continuously work on. You can support him in obvious ways, getting rid of any alcohol in house, helping him navigate social events etc. good luck xx

@prDeltoid
So pleased to read your update. Fingers crossed for everything! The book I'm reading "beyond addiction" has some interesting stuff about relapses, it's very much from a behavioural science perspective about how our brains become wired into certain behaviour and how difficult it is to change those patterns- I think the message they're trying to convey about relapses is that it's really understandable to despair and take it personally, but that the person is in a battle with their brain's previous learned behaviour and sometimes the brain wins- sorry I can't recreate the message it's too early on a Saturday for my brain to fully function, but it may be helpful!

It sounds so lovely your partner being more himself again and being able to engage in stuff etc. So happy for you and him.

Thank you for the book recommendation too, I may add that to my amazon shopping list.

@wonderingwhat2022willbring yes I have family and friends to talk it is always hard though I don’t think they truly understand but they are supporting me as best they can!
I am in a much better place at the moment I have had some very dark weeks but am trying to be kinder to myself And it has been made easier now that he has changed his behaviour and we are talking. I am trying to be more supportive towards him. I must have a look in to these books!

Just thinking about your situation and I’m sure you have but have you told him how worried you are about his drinking and now the weed? What does he say?

@prDeltoid sounds like he is heading in the right direction so pleased for you! How does he cope with his cravings? Does he talk to you about them?

@Tryingmyhardesteveryday glad you have people around you. I can empathise with them not being able to really understand though. I have relatives on my side who I think really just want me to leave my partner and am in touch with his dad who goes between really worrying and thinking everything's fine- and who won't speak to him directly about it.

I'm glad you're able to be a bit kinder with yourself now, I'm sorry you've had more dark periods, it's really understandable though in the circumstances.

I think my partner has become very adept at ignoring my concerns. He sometimes will literally leave the room, or he will say "I can't cope with this right now with XYZ happening, I will deal with it when everything else is sorted". There have been a lot of other things going on, which he's been trying to deal with by using alcohol to deal with the stress. Even the GP has told him he needs therapy and to deal with his drinking and he just hasn't.he has surgery coming up, his latest thing is that he will deal with the drinking once the operation is done but there's one thing after another so I just worry what the next excuse/delaying tactic will be.

Thank you for listening/reading!

@wonderingwhat2022willbring how are you getting on?

Hi @Tryingmyhardesteveryday how are you?

I'm not great, to be honest. My partner had surgery last week and wouldn't get up for the Covid test appointment a few days before. Just slept all day and acted like I was insane for worrying that his op would be cancelled. It was my birthday the day before the operation and he barely said happy birthday, no present or card tho in the end he ordered cake on Deliveroo. It was pretty depressing 😢

I've realised he can stop drinking- he did before the op and for 48 hours after. But he doesn't want to. It feels like either he's very depressed and "not himself" or he just doesn't like me very much from the way he's treating me. I can't even get him to have a conversation about our future without him saying I'm "giving him a panic attack".

Sorry huge moan. I'm open about it with my parents who are very supportive and very worried for me but I'm just so embarrassed to admit how bad things are with other people.

I hope things are better at your end and for others from the thread!
Thank you for asking by the way 💐

@wonderingwhat2022willbring sounds like you are having a really tough time! Hope he is recovering from his operation! I think if he doesn’t want to stop then you have to decide for yourself what you want to do.
Have you thought about having some counselling? Talking it through helped me In lots of ways.

I am doing ok He is back out of rehab and is doing really well and we are going to try and rebuild our relationship but slowly. We are now seeing/speaking on a regular basis it has been the best thing for him I just hope it continues and am very cautious Bit both are trying!

@Tryingmyhardesteveryday
How are you doing? I hope your husbands recovery is still going well.

I have taken your advice and booked to speak to a couple of therapists (doing the free initial chat with two to see who I think I will get on with best).
I'm really struggling at the moment.

My DH arrived drunk at my family for Easter and then got annoyed I removed his hidden stash of whisky he'd brought. And now he's going on about what a stressful Easter it was without realising how awful it was because of his drinking! Gah. It's just so toxic between us at the moment. On the other hand, he has apparently started seeing a therapist but he told me that she thinks we are both to blame for everything and that I may be gaslighting him?! (Not sure if he just made that up or what- or found the most naive therapist on planet, as he can come across as very together and nice etc),

@wonderingwhat2022willbring im ok Thankyou! Erm yeah it is going ok but it is hard as I’m constantly on watch and sometimes he sounds like he been drinking so I am still struggling with it all!

i am glad you have decided to try some counselling hopefully you will find it useful!

i think it depends on what he has said is he going to the therapist to talk about his drinking or is he just talking about your relationship? Take no notice I was the worse person on the world when my husband was at his worst but I learnt that I was doing the right thing!!

That sounds tough and understandable you find it hard to relax with all that's happened in the past. Is he still getting help/going to meetings or therapy?

That's a really good question as to what my partner is actually going to therapy for! He's always been so adamant he won't get therapy, won't get couples therapy, would stop drinking by himself etc. so it's hard to tell 🧐

We've had some really serious and upsetting conversations recently where I've said how unhappy I am and how I don't see a future unless there are significant changes. Then a week later he is drunk (eye roll) and tells me he is seeing a therapist and that she thinks I am gaslighting him! I just said something like, have you told her about X, Y and Z too? And he said yes she thinks we have both done things that are bad (really doesn't sound like how therapists talk from my prior experience but this is how he paraphrased).

As he's generally so anti-therapy or conversation in general at the moment I've tried not to ask too much about it. However I know he's seen her again so hopefully it will start to have some affect.

@wonderingwhat2022willbring how are you doing?

My partner has been in rehab for 2 weeks now for drug and alcohol addiction. I didn't think there would be any contact for the first couple of weeks which I felt like I needed. I was worn out and needed a break. That did not happen, he would call numerous times a day until I had to tell him to stop calling for a while as all we were doing was arguing and I felt so resentful that he was in the 5 star hotel like place, with everything he could ever need on tap and I was left to seriously struggle financially and emotionally (which isn't his fault) but I was taking it out on him. I was being so nasty to him then crying the rest of the night because of it. He says that he has really changed and knows he wont relapse but it's easy for him to say that while in there, he's living in a bubble, it'll be a totally different story when he's out and has temptation all around. I'm so scared of it all happening again, being let down, hurt, going back to the sneaking about and lying, feeling like its all in my head and him making me feel like I'm going off my head. I'm just not sure if I can do it all again. I feel so bad for even thinking that. I just don't know what to do as when I have broached the subject with him, he says he can't deal with that at the moment, he can't comment, can't talk about it.

Hi @sunshineatweekend - sorry to hear you’re having a rough time. Definitely sounds like you could have done with a bit of headspace when your partner went into rehab, and you’re right - it is a bubble so whilst he may be confident in his ability to stay sober now it’s not really something he can test properly until he’s out.

Ive said it before on this thread, but the book How To Help Them Beat The Booze was brilliant for me. Talks about lots of different roads to recovery apart from the rehab/AA route, which I’m not knocking at all - whatever works, works! - but my partner didn’t get on with AA at all.

Update from me is that he is back at work, is happy, and we’ve had a holiday. He is, however - and trust me, I’m keeping an eye on this - drinking in moderation. Not everyday, and like 3 ciders at a time. If he looks like he wants more, we talk about how it’s a bad idea, slippery slope etc. But he decided that abstinence wasn’t something he wanted to entertain. I didn’t want to push it because anything he does in terms of stopping drinking has to come from him, not me, so I’m trying to keep a distance from that and think well, he’s not physically dependent anymore and he’s being much more responsible (e.g no drinking in the mornings, or to the point of passing out, and has better control of it in general), so there is definite progress. He has intimated that he’d like to cut down even more, so I’m just gonna be here to support that when he’s ready to.

@Tryingmyhardesteveryday @wonderingwhat2022willbring and everyone else who has contributed to this thread - thinking of you all and hoping you’re all ok. Much love x

Being confident he won't relapse after two weeks of sobriety is just bollocks, unfortunately. And I say that as someone who has never relapsed since I got sober over 10 years ago. @sunshineatweekend You are absolutely entitled to have your own rehabilitation, meaning a chance to have some peace and work out what you want, whilst he's inside. You are also entitled to decide you don't want to continue the relationship, even if he says he will stay sober - even if he does stay sober. You might find Al Anon helpful, it's for the families of addicts.

I think it was me who recommended Help Them Beat the Booze. I found the companion book for the addict incredibly helpful - non-judgemental and practical.

@prDeltoid I'm sorry to hear he's drinking again. It sounds like you're running the risk of policing his drinking. I hope he does come to the realisation that he needs to get sober as it's a slippery slope. All you can do is know what your line in the sand is (frankly for me he would have crossed it already) and be prepared to take action. He may not want to go down the AA route but it sounds like he needs a sponsor and regular accountability - which I assume he isn't getting at the moment. Watch and wait I guess; fingers crossed.

Hello everyone,
hope you’re all doing ok. @tribpot your thoughts are so useful coming from a different perspective.

Sending everyone on this thread best wishes and a virtual hug.

Things are pretty awful for me and my partner at the moment. He is not sleeping at night, barely eating, missing work a lot, having panic attacks and drinking (of course). I have tried everything under the sun to try to get him to get help, have read books, gone to therapy myself, gone to support groups.

But he is absolutely in denial- or rather, says every problem is my fault. I actually got his family over from another part of UK this week to see him as I’ve been so worried. But he pretended he was fine and everything under control. And then was furious with me and I actually felt frightened in the house so I’ve moved in with my parents.

I have spoken to a private rehab and to Mind and to my own therapist. They seem to think he may need more mental health support before rehab would even work- and that he may or may not meet the criteria to be sectioned (things have been pretty scary at home). But essentially they said it may make everything worse if I try to have him sectioned and then he manages to seem fine at that moment!

His family are being useless and think they’ve done all they can by suggesting he get help and then shrugging when he said he was fine. They know he’s not well but they just seem to be leaving it for me to deal with, even though they know I don’t feel safe alone with him. I’m so fed up with it all and worried about him but I have come to the conclusion I can’t live with him until he gets serious professional help for his mental health and drinking. (Oh and it turned out he only saw a therapist the once in March, of course). 😩

@Tryingmyhardesteveryday how are you doing?

@sunshineatweekend That sounds so difficult. It’s good he went to rehab but I guess this is the thing that it isn’t as easy or simple as that being that. Do you have support? It is traumatic living with an addict.

@prDeltoid how is it going? Is your partner getting any ongoing support or going to a group? I think there was a section about whether it’s possible to drink in moderation in one of the books I read (probably one recommended here).

It's good that you've moved in with your parents for now so you can feel safe @wonderingwhat2022willbring . Now it's time to step away. You already know the three Cs - you did not cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. Are you going to Al Anon meetings? Focus on yourself for a while, running yourself ragged trying to find solutions for someone who doesn't want to be helped is no way to live.

@wonderingwhat2022willbring I’m so glad you’ve moved to your parents. Stay safe!