To feel so scared? Dh and addiction to prescription medication

[meadowposy]

My dh is addicted to medication, he was on codeine and says he hasn't taken any since April 11, I do believe him.

He has however been buying so much elsewhere in my name mostly. And so I can see he's replaced one addiction with another.

I know everyone says oh ltb. But it isn't that easy.

Neither of us have any family who help, we have very young children, we have no support at all basically.

Also he is not harmful to me or kids. He does it all away from our sight.

He's not always an easy man to live with but I do love him. And he's the only help and break I get. I just feel scared.

He says if it comes out he will kill himself. I really do belive him. He's tried twice this year already. I would feel responsible. It's no good people saying I wouldn't be I would feel it.

Just in despair.

How much lower are YOU prepared to sink meadowposy? Post after post warned you that he could not get off the codeine in the way that he told you he would - by substitution. Remember your response? This man is crying out for help and you are just standing on the sidelines pathetically wringing your hands. He is killing himself whilst you watch and do nothing. If you love him do something do it now. How long has he got? Months weeks days? For goodness sake pull your finger out and save his life. How can you stand by like this and watch him literally killing himself in front of you.

What mummy says plus your name will be all over the supply of drugs that killed him or he was taking when he harmed someone else.

Regardless of the legalities or of the harm he is doing to his children his patients or anyone else I just don't understand how anyone can say they love someone yet stand by and watch this unfold. If he had a knife to his throat wouldn't you be trying to take it off him? The only person who can save him and you are doing nothing at all.

So what are YOU going to do about it now?
His way hasn't worked, he's probably hooked on the pregabalin now too. You NEED to take charge before something catastrophic happens. Stop being so passive, and standing there prostate, hand wringing. You have the power to intervene.

Op is petrified of her husband. This is clear. She is too frightened to save herself and her dc, never mind him.

I think he is a very frightening individual even when he gets his own way. Hence why op has spent her vacation time driving round chemists to get his fix fpr him. Why she will not tell anyone in RL. Why she is unable to prevent him using her name fraudulently. Why she is literally petrified.

I would be frightened of the consequences of looking for outside help too

Op, very soon you need to make a decision.

Which is the worst prospect ? Getting help for all of you or letting this scenario play out in all the ways that pp's have warned you about ?

NOTHING. wait until next weekend start another broadly similar thread, not reply to anyone who says anything critical or challenging and give silly little one liner updates. Meanwhile her h is dying. However much of a person he is surely he deserves better than this.

Meadowposy, in your previous posts you refused to take action because DH was on top of things, and had got his codeine addiction under control. Now you say he hasn’t - this clearly indicates that your situation is going to continue or worsen.

I’ve tried to be sympathetic when reading your posts, but now I just can’t. I really can’t.

You’re not willing to even MAKE A PHONECALL to find out what your options are.

Your inertia is infuriating. You don’t actually respond to posts other than a ‘woe is me’ single line, and like previous posters I just can’t work out what it is you WANT from posting here. What DO you want?

Sorry anyfucker I usually agree with you but not on this post. The OP is more worried about giving up her naice middle class lifestyle being a sahm with a nanny and all the trappings than admitting he is a junkie and getting help. She is more frightened of losing this than losing him.

You could be right mm

But so far trying to shock her out of her inertia isn't even making a dent in her inaction. Two (possibly more) of this and she is deeper than ever.

She is in an abusive relationship. As we know, trying to shame people into taking action in these situations merely deepens the denial and the defence of the abuser until something happens where that is no longer possible.

We are all wasting our time now, at least until op is ready to take advice (and action)

Two threads that is

To be honest I'm just trying not to respond to mummym

AF you're closer to the mark really. It's really got nothing at all to do with maintaining a lifestyle

Yes I agree I think you are petrified of him and what he might do. But by doing nothing you are increasing that chance.

Is there anyone in RL that you trust you can confide in ? Doesn't have to be a family member. Even confiding in a neighbour or school run friend would be better than holding this all in yourself.

How about Women's Aid ? Although the drugs thing is proper fucking scary the root of your inaction is that you feel paralysed by fear of the consequences. They will understand. They can help you find a way through. It is confidential and your husband needs never to know.

I did speak to womens aid last summer, it wasn't just the medication, other stuff too.

The problem is that dh is allowed contact with his children. That's the wall I keep running up against. He's not safe or fit to have them but the law says otherwise. So staying seems the best of bad options. I know not everybody understands.

I understand. I understand that you are very frightened and that you feel trapped. I understand that if you seek help it will appear, at least in your current paralysed state, to get worse before it gets better

If your H is not fit to look after his kids alone he is not fit to have them anywhere near him at all

Incidentally, how can you profess to "love" someone that you don't trust with your children. That you believe would allow harm to come to them, for whatever reason. That is not love. That is co dependency and fear.

Staying in this situation harms all of you. Your children are not "protected" by your inaction. They see the dynamic and they learn how to form their future relationships based on it.

Nobody should have to live in fear. There is a way out but you will have to fight for it. Unfortunately you don't sound like you have a metaphorical punch in you.

Get the right help. For you and your children. Your husband will have to find his own. You must unhitch your wagon from him....until you do that there is no chance for you to improve your life.

I think you need to really understand that if you do not take action, it is highly likely that the situation will rscal6aye out of your control. These decisions, as hard as they are to make, will be yours at least. If the authorities get of their own volition, probably because of something catastrophic your H does while under the influence, you will not get a good outcome.

*escalate

Get *involved

AF, you have helped. I'm flagging energy wise, will post tomorrow, but for now thank you

You deserve rest. You deserve peace of mind.

He might well be legally entitled to contact with the DCs but if you were to refuse he would have to take you to court. Which he won’t do. Because all you have to do is be honest about his drug problem. You actually have all the cards. Which is bloody scary I know.

Please talk to Women’s Aid again. They can help.

And you are NOT betraying him. You are helping him. And more importantly you are helping the children.

meadow, holding it together as you have been doing while also being scared is exhausting, physically and mentally.
It is part of the reason why you feel so paralysed.

Listen to AF.
And Cider has made the point that I was too tired to make last night: you hold all the cards. Parents to not have any rights, children have rights. If he was stupid enough to take you to court, a judge would have to decide what level of contact would be in the best interest of the children. The decision is not about what rights your H may have told you he has.

Please speak to Women's Aid, or if you can safely look at the Freedom Program online.

You do not have to live like this, ALL of your lives could improve (including your H's if it helps him/forces him to address his addiction issues).

Ok so the OP isn't going to accept this from me so perhaps someone else can reiterate / support the following:

Who is giving you legal advice that says that your H is allowed contact with his children? Because that is rubbish. if you tell anyone - social services, a solicitor, his professional body etc the real truth - not the sanitised nonsense you post on here, then no one is going to say that he should have unsupervised access to the children - no one.

if he is telling you this, as I suspect is the case then this is just another example of his attempts to control you.

as for your statement "He's not safe or fit to have them …" how can you still seriously write this and have them in the same house as he is?

Hi OP,

I hope you and your family are doing okay today.

I missed your first thread so apologies if I'm going over old ground anywhere. It's seems like there are some great and knowledgeable suggestions of organisations that can help on this thread (especially this one sick-doctors-trust.co.uk/) and I hope you find some of the helpful.

Speaking as someone who had been through prescription drug addiction my heart really, really does go out to you. I don't know your DH and while it's perfectly possible he was a selfish ass to start with drug addiction makes you hopelessly enslaved to your medication of choice to the point where your friends, family and your own health all become secondary concerns. I think you're probably right that he has a way to go yet; from what you say about his concerns about being struck off (although as PP have said, it's unlike) and killing himself 'if it comes out' seems to suggest his main concern around his addiction is how it makes him look, not what it's doing to his family. My need to care for my dying Mum was the only incentive strong enough for me to get help, personally.

How do the suicide attempts fit into the time-frame of the addiction? Did they happen during, before or while attempting to stop? This might give you some clues as to how much of a role the drugs played. To be quite frank stopping a high dose of strong prescription meds cold turkey is certainly horrible enough to make you want to throw yourself out a window.

The good news is, if you can somehow get him to the point where he's willing to accept help then some things may start to fall into place. It's a total cliche but admitting you have a problem really is the hardest single step of the whole journey. After that, you realise you'll be under the care of some extremely clever and experienced people and the actual detoxing isn't (at least in my experience) anywhere near as bad as I feared. They do their best to not let you suffer.

How you would get him to that point I suspect only you can answer. Perhaps the threat of losing his job/license will one day be enough, maybe seeing you break down and leave will be; it's a very individual thing.

As things stand though, things aren't going to get better until one of you takes some action. It's a really really shit position to be in OP and god knows you have my sympathies but you're here now and you've got to try for the sake of your DC.

Until he's willing to get help he's a danger to himself, you and his patients.

My heart really does go out to you though, addiction is really really horrible for everyone involved.

Lovely post This

Please listen to her/him, op

Thisnamechanger and AnyFucker I can understand that different approaches help/support different people in different situations. but I come back to this:

Both my robust challenging of the OP (amongst others) and your gentler approach have failed to make any real changes. meanwhile the OP's children are still left in this situation.

Would you want yourself or your family to be under the care of this man? would you want to meet him on the road when he is driving? would you want to be the nanny employed in this household?

I am not completely lacking in empathy and it would be great if your posts were responded to positively because at the end of the day we are all and have all been saying the same thing for months to this OP.

doing nothing is no longer a viable option.

The Op is too scared of him to help him get to a place where he accepts he has a problem. What has actually changed as far as the H is concerned? Nothing! He continues to work, to take drugs to live in a nice house with his family, to be looked after by his wife/partner. And he doesn't let the little inconvenience of getting the drugs bother him either. he just uses her name, her details, her credit card and goes on line or from chemist to chemist with her driving him. Nothing has burst his bubble has it?

It is a really horrible situation. but at least the OP knows he isn't to be trusted what about the people he works with/for? they don't.