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Addiction support

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Original poster

To feel so scared? Dh and addiction to prescription medication

250 replies

meadowposy · 06/05/2018 12:42

My dh is addicted to medication, he was on codeine and says he hasn't taken any since April 11, I do believe him.

He has however been buying so much elsewhere in my name mostly. And so I can see he's replaced one addiction with another.

I know everyone says oh ltb. But it isn't that easy.

Neither of us have any family who help, we have very young children, we have no support at all basically.

Also he is not harmful to me or kids. He does it all away from our sight.

He's not always an easy man to live with but I do love him. And he's the only help and break I get. I just feel scared.

He says if it comes out he will kill himself. I really do belive him. He's tried twice this year already. I would feel responsible. It's no good people saying I wouldn't be I would feel it.

Just in despair.

OP posts:

CiderwithBuda · 07/05/2018 16:37

DoinIt - I did read her other thread yes. And while she might not be being attacked per se it’s obvious she feels attacked.

But I agree that if she acts now she can control things to an extent. And she definitely needs t do something.

fruitcider · 07/05/2018 16:45

It isn't illegal to buy medication online.

It certainly is illegal to buy it without a prescription, or on a fraudulent prescription.

OP are you willing to go to prison for your husband? Because eventually he will be caught, and it will appear that you are also culpable due to the drugs being ordered in your name.

As a detox nurse it breaks my heart when I see families enabling addictive behaviour... he's not going to enter recovery whilst his addiction is being enabled, he won't try to get clean until the pain of getting clean is less than the pain of staying the same.

An addict once told me "I had to get so desperate that I was literally willing to do anything, and claiming recovery was like crawling over broken glass, but at the point of having nothing left it was an easy decision to make".

Heed my patients words, OP...

DoinItForTheKids · 07/05/2018 16:53

I really hope she can find the key, whatever it is, to get this sorted I really do.

I can't criticise her really as I stayed with my drug addicted boyfriend for ages albeit I was never sure he was using unless I caught him out periodically - OP knows for sure he's using as she's buying it for him!

I had absolutely NO frame of reference and no help and no idea even that there was help for being a person who was with someone who has an addiction, certainly didn't know about Mumsnet. I think it would have helped me enormously to have had this resource then and I can say I would have hoped that I'd have gained more insight earlier.

But, I can't be sure that would have been the case. I've found that because of my anxiety and sometimes wanting to not repeat the arguing in front of children that happened when I was a child (that is what gave me anxiety in the first place) meant that when stuff kicked off my amygdala went to the 'do nothing' option, every time. So I can (despite what OP might think) understand that she could be in this exact mode herself at the moment and it's very very very hard to get out of that because it's an instinctive, base brain reaction.

PerfectlyDone · 07/05/2018 16:54

I don't think it's a waste of time repeating the same kind of things.

meadows and anybody in a similar situation needs to arrived at the point where doing something is the lesser evil than continuing in the 'safe' routine.

IME her starting repeated threads about this issue suggests that she is getting near that realisation, but it is very hard. In many ways she is behaving like so many abused women, gaslighted to the point that they do not believe their own judgment anymore. Boiling a frog...

mummymeister · 07/05/2018 17:06

Meadowposy - I don't want to "win". I want to see a post from you that says "I have done x,y and z. I am moving forward, there is progress. My H is getting help etc etc" that's all.

not these endless droning handwringing "what can I do, what can I do" initial posts which are invariably followed by "well this isn't illegal and that isn't illegal and my children don't know"

I and everyone answering on here has a vested interest in your H seeking and getting some help. Because this is an anonymous forum and none of us know if he is the health professional that is treating us/one of our family or the junkie behind the car wheel driving down our street.

if you cant see that, that its about saving your children from the heartache of seeing their dad carted off, or stopping him hurting someone then carry on. Post thread number 3,4,5 and on and on about how you are scared or frightened or don't know what to do. You will just keep getting the same answers. if not from me then from someone else. not because I have an evil twin but because there is right and there is wrong. and this is wrong.

BerkInBag · 07/05/2018 17:10

Hi OP - A good friend of mine is a doctor. He is currently suspended by the GMC due to helping himself to the diamorphine. He is clean now after rehab and if he can stay clean and agree to regular drug testing then he could return to clinical practice. There was never any talk of him getting struck off, he admitted his problem and asked for help. He got it.

Anything your husband says should be treated with the upmost caution because he is an addict and they are prone to lying and exaggerating and manipulating. He is sick and his thinking is not clear, there is only twisted logic there and he really shouldn't be calling the shots.

Please could you at least seek some support for yourself from Al-Anon or some organisation that provides support to the families of addicts because you do need help, urgently.

BerkInBag · 07/05/2018 17:13

Sorry Nar-Anon

www.nar-anon.co.uk/

Flisspaps · 07/05/2018 17:57

I strongly suggest that you do the Freedom Programme, either online or in person.

Then you may well understand you CAN leave, and you'll understand exactly how your H has you right where he wants you, and how he's abusing you AND your children. Then you'll understand why all these posters are urging you to get out.

CiderwithBuda · 07/05/2018 18:08

How are you feeling now @MeadowPosy?

mummymeister · 08/05/2018 15:21

CiderwithBuda - the OP posts at weekends/public holidays so unlikely you will get a response. guess if you are worried you could message her.

No doubt she will post again next Sunday so suggest you just check back in then.

CiderwithBuda · 08/05/2018 15:53

Thanks mummymeister - I hadn’t noticed that.

LoniceraJaponica · 08/05/2018 20:19

That's a bit odd. Why would that be? Is she genuine?

CocoaGin · 08/05/2018 20:47

I think the first thread came in April 2017. It was posted in AIBU and asked about confidentiality. Seems to fit in, but I think she may have had the next thread deleted. I think this is at least the 3rd.

Original poster

meadowposy · 08/05/2018 21:17

Second thread and please report to Mumsnet if you have doubts.

OP posts:

mummymeister · 09/05/2018 08:57

There was a second thread in AIBU about 2 weeks ago. I thought only posting at weekends wasn't because it was not a genuine thread but because the OP was unable to have confidential access except on those days. its not uncommon.

this thread is the third, posted originally on AIBU then moved by MNHQ/OP/don't know?

Have you taken any steps Meadowposy?

it is odd that your update is in response to someone asking if you are genuine not to say what advice you are taking.

but then, this has been a pretty odd thread all round for that.

Pannacott · 09/05/2018 09:46

I am curious OP. Like I asked before, does he have life insurance and loss of income insurance? If so I can see why the paralysis you are in is not quite the end of the world for you.

Your priorities seem to be maintaining the status quo wrt to your husband and his behaviour, and not changing your children's lifestyle too much. I can see how financial protection in the case of his suicide or losing his job would help with this. I can imagine that your husband would also agree with you about this - some people can be very pragmatic in the face of terrible circumstances.

Maybe just try and take some ownership of the choices you are making.If you aren't going to do anything, then stop torturing yourself about it and accept you will need to live with the anxiety of waiting to see how this ends up. Reducing the level of angst might also help you think more clearly about whether there IS any more you can realistically do to help, rather than just stating mired in a 'this is so terrible / there's nothing I can do about it' dichotomy.

ShesAYamEater · 09/05/2018 18:12

Sometimes people post lost if times for advice before things starting to sink in and taking it. I can't see how laying into a poster because they've posted before in the same issue helps . The fact they're posting shows they're thinking about the problem. It can take a long time before people pluck up the courage to act. Closing down a support system by laying into the op doesn't help imo.

LoniceraJaponica · 09/05/2018 19:30

"Like I asked before, does he have life insurance and loss of income insurance?"

Would they still be valid under the circumstances?

PerfectlyDone · 09/05/2018 19:34

Hi, meadow, this thread must be such a hard read for you (as, by the sounds of it, was the first one).

Is any of it any help?

As stated upthread, many people who gradually find themselves in a situation they can no longer see any way out of, find themselves in a state of paralysis that is very difficult to get out of. BUT - it IS possible.
Whenever the fear of staying in the status quo gets stronger than the fear of change. And it sounds to me that you are getting closer to that point.

Pannacott · 09/05/2018 20:09

Lonicera - our life insurance was valid in the case of suicide once it's been active for a year. I was surprised about that too.

Not sure about loss of income insurance in the case of criminal or otherwise negligent actions. I haven't got loss of income insurance. I would be curious to know though.

Original poster

meadowposy · 13/05/2018 13:33

Unfortunately, dh relapsed on codeine so that's obviously not good.

OP posts:

CiderwithBuda · 13/05/2018 13:59

And? Are you planning on doing anything? Have you spoken to him?

It’s down to you. You need to be the adult. He is incapable at the moment because drugs come first. Before you. Before his children. Before his job. Before his patients. And soon before his life.

Doing something won’t be easy but could save his life.

Quartz2208 · 13/05/2018 14:01

Of course he did he needs professional rehab

He is killing him self now

Original poster

meadowposy · 13/05/2018 14:13

I know he has to sink further before he will get help.

OP posts:

CiderwithBuda · 13/05/2018 14:20

Why? God only knows what could happen in th meantime. To his patients. Himself. You. The children.

Why does he have to sink further? You are not helping him by remaining so passive.

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