To feel so scared? Dh and addiction to prescription medication

[meadowposy]

My dh is addicted to medication, he was on codeine and says he hasn't taken any since April 11, I do believe him.

He has however been buying so much elsewhere in my name mostly. And so I can see he's replaced one addiction with another.

I know everyone says oh ltb. But it isn't that easy.

Neither of us have any family who help, we have very young children, we have no support at all basically.

Also he is not harmful to me or kids. He does it all away from our sight.

He's not always an easy man to live with but I do love him. And he's the only help and break I get. I just feel scared.

He says if it comes out he will kill himself. I really do belive him. He's tried twice this year already. I would feel responsible. It's no good people saying I wouldn't be I would feel it.

Just in despair.

OP I have read your previous post and this one.

You are shit scared, and that is very, very understandable.

If you are thinking if your children, then please stop your husband.

I don‘t think he will ever seek help himself, he is not at rockbottom. Rockbottom means he puts himself in a coma, gives himself permanent liver damage or other stuff.
Or he gets caught out at work, it could happen any time, I‘m very sure his addiction is on someone‘s radar and this person will report him eventually.
Or he kills or causes permanent damage to a patient.

This rockbottom means your life will be hell. A totally different kind of hell.

I understand it‘s very tempting to think everything will stay the same - it won‘t.
What he is doing NEVER ends well unless he puts on the emergency brake (and from what you wrote that‘s out of the question, as he is deeper and deeper pulling you under and into his illegal activities)
or YOU put on the emergency brake.

Your children will one day be old enough to ask you questions about why you didn‘t do anything.
Your older children already know something is up. Children are not stupid.

If you want to give your children a good life - stop him destroying it.
Please. It‘s like watching a car crash in slow motion.
I know it will take enormous courage.
No one on here doubts that.
You are the only one who can stop this disaster happening.

Have you asked him about going into a residential rehab facility?

I’m sure there are ways to mitigate any fall out. He could book extended leave. He could get signed off with stress. He could go to a facility out Of the UK.

Only issue is he has to want to do it. For him.

You need to put your children first now and leave. They are not safe with him being high nor financially safe with him running up drug bills nor emotionally safe with him being so generally unstable and selfish.

You know what you have to do, except you won't as you have as many excuses as your dh has as to why he wont stop.

So you either get help and leave or shut up and stay with him. And continue to support him when NOT IF, he kills or seriously damages a patient.

There is no point keep writing the same post week after week and hoping for a different answer because there isn't one.

I think the number of times you have posted this means you do realise how bad it actually is and are holding out for a solution that has not been suggested, one that isnt leaving or reporting him.

But there isnt one

Why are you so convinced that SS wont take your children away because of your junkie husband? why, when so many people with years and years of experience in SS and other disciplines are telling you that this is the outcome do you not believe them. Many of the posters on here will be experts in their field. They are telling you the truth - what they know, what they see happen every day. Yet somehow you know better than them? Do you think that middle class people with nanny's don't have their children taken into care because this never happens to naice people like you?

You can say this in real life to people. THIS is real life on here. its an anonymous internet forum the same as the anonymous internet forums and phone numbers for junkie medical professionals. its no different.

Of course its not illegal to buy drugs on line. You are happy then for it to be in your name? you are happy for him to go to chemists in your name as well?

if that is the case then you truly are complicit in this and wringing your hands week in week out saying "what can I do" wont cut it with the courts or the people on here.

Your kids don't have a great lifestyle - stop deluding yourself. go back and re-read the posts from kids who had junkie parents. It wasn't hidden or unknown they knew what was going on. Do you think a mother throwing up whilst driving to a chemist for her junkie H on holiday would ever in any universe be viewed as normal family life?

Meadow, I am beginning to think he is feeding you misinformation.

Doctors do NOT get struck off for having addiction problems, they get struck off for lying about them, for failing to seek help, for putting their patients at risk.

You have already decided what you are going to do - or rather what you are not going to do. Chances are nothing said here will make any difference.

Maybe start another thread asking people who had a childhood with an addicted parent, ask them how 'good' their life was?
You are deluding yourself if you think their life is 'good' - children are far more perceptive than we like to give them credit for.

You are scared to make any changes because no doubt that would be difficult and frightening and unpleasant - change so often is.

But you need to be very clear: you are colluding with him, you are putting his health, his patients' and maybe your family's at risk, and you are guilty by association by your inaction.

Stop kidding yourself.

You are more likely to lose your children by NOT doing the right thing than by asking for help - seeking help in a really difficult situation will count towards you, whereas doing nothing will count against.

But you just crack on, it's what you are intent on doing.

Does he have life insurance?

Does he have loss of income insurance?

At this point I think you really have to be working on the assumption that he is likely to die, through suicide or accidental overdose.

A better option may be that he is found out and loses his job, but obviously that also comes with a huge risk of suicide.

He sounds completely hopeless and desperate, and you sound totally paralysed. I assume you don't need me to point out how extremely high risk this situation is. He's not the type to think it'd be better for everyone if he killed you all and himself, is he? You're confident he'd only harm himself?

I assume that you know on paper it'd be better to force his hand, risky though it may be, than continue to do nothing. But I suppose for you, that if he kills himself following you taking action, that would feel worse than you doing nothing and him killing him self, even if your doing nothing actually increases the likelihood of him dying. That's the 'Trolley Problem' dilemma, google if you aren't familiar with it.

So, my guidance would be the following:

Go over again why he doesn't think the organisations set up to sympathetically treat doctors with addiction would help him, counter his responses where possible (call them anonymously yourself).

Check you've got life insurance and loss of income insurance.

Get in contact with Nar Anon.

Start justifying to yourself how you will rationalise things when he dies. (I don't mean that in a nasty way, but it will be easier for you and the children to cope if you've started some of this detaching process in advance).

(Obviously it would be much better if you can leave him, or somehow otherwise take action to support him. This is assuming that you won't).

He doesn't appear to want help, op.

So you either leave and free yourself from this destruction.

Or you stay and expose yourself and your dcs to a drug addict who doesn't want help and will escalate.

Your eldest child will know something isn’t right if they’re a preteen. That child will know it’s not normal to spend a holiday driving around looking for different pharmacies. You obviously love your children and want them to have a nice life but I think you’re in denial about it being a nice life if they’re aware.

OP, what sort of job does he do, could he take some time off for rehab. Why won't you listen to the advice on here, we're trying to help, you say he is doing the drugs away from you and the children but that doesn't make it ok does it. If you don't want him to get help then at least get help for yourself.

Mummy you win. You fucking win. All right??

meadow do you have a job?
Are you afraid you would be "tainted" by association?

If you don't, then I think you need to start looking to return. If it all goes horribly wrong and you're left on your own then you need to be able to provide for your DC. Best case scenario and he gets help and comes clean then being back in the same environment with all the current stresses is not going to be (I'd imagine) sustainable long term.

meadow, it it does not matter who 'wins' on here - you are ALL losing

And it is within your power to effect change, YOU can save yourself and your DCs. HE can safe himself if he choses to, YOU cannot do that for him.

Addiction is a terrible condition to be living with, both for the addict and his family.

Please get in touch with Nar-Anon. If you do nothing else, at least have a look at the website.

She doesn't win until you get off your ass and do something.

You're going to do absolutely nothing about this so I don't understand why you keep searching for answers.

You're going to wait until there is a dramatic episode either for your husband or someone is his care and then pretend you were powerless to have intervened sooner.

You could have your husband in rehab this week, you don't have to physically leave, but you can leave the situation by getting help for him. But you won't.

If he has attempted suicide twice already then he is obviously screaming for help.

Jeez. Of course your kids don't have a nice life, posy. Their father is an unstable addict who financially abuses their mother. All the naice holidays and bedrooms in the world won't do jack shit to make their lives OK.

It's clear that this is going to go spectacularly tits up, and the only questions are how soon, and how irreversibly. I hope for the OP's kids' sake it happens soon and takes the form of a patient or colleague reporting him for drug abuse and forging prescriptions, rather than car crash/OD/suicide.

As a doctor in recovery - I was not struck off, because I went off sick and got help.

The sick doctors trust are brilliant. If you want to tackle this from the point if view of him being the one needing help you could ring them. They are very wise about the GMC too. NA is completely anonymous too, so no social services referral.

But actually you need to forget about him. And think about you and the children.
They would be better growing up in a refuge than where you are now. Women's Aid will help with the financial abuse, and with finding you a solicitor to get completely separated from him, and you can then think about all the things you need to recover from the trauma. Do you get any time that he is out to call, given he's off sick. Will he be violent if he finds out?

You are in a horribly abusive situation but you have a choice here and your children don't. Tomorrow could be the first day of the rest of your lives if you want it to be. You just need to find the courage.

She just wants to bleat about it, and be listened to.
Hope it works out op and you find some strength.
I'm off to get on with my life

Same here Missing. Utter waste of time.

I think meadowposy is completely paralysed by fear. So attacking her is not going to help.

Meadowposy - seriously nothing will change unless YOU do something. You need to be the grown up as your DH is being so irresponsible.

There has been lots of good advice on this thread and your other one if you can pick it out.

Please please do something. For your children.

I don't think Meadow is being attacked.

People are desperately trying to shake her out of her current stasis before the shit hits the fan in some dreadful, dreadful way that she will be unable to influence to the detriment of her, her children, and her husband.

If you weren't party to the first thread time has passed and OP has taken absolutely nothing from the previous thread or from this one.

I feel incredibly sorry for her I really do and like some other PPs I have also been in the situation of being with a DP who was a drug addict, and also who used to threaten suicide at times.

You are right Cider though, unless Meadow takes the reins, nothing will change and it is her only (possibly last) opportunity of keeping the outcome as well managed as it can be - it's really an opportunity she shouldn't hesitate to grasp proactively with both hands at this point in time before it's too late.

Sadly when the OP after pages of advice and a second thread later is still focusing on minimising, repeating irrelevant statements, not responding to specific questions, shock and awe might be the only thing that actually makes her take action???

I don't think there's any more anyone can do or say; it's firmly in OPs hands now. I wish her luck and I wish fervently for her that she chooses to take action while she still has a window of opportunity.

meadowposy the one thing that is clear though is that you are angry