Codeine addiction

[madein1995]

Hi

I'm new here so please be gentle. I'm posting here for traffic, and just want to know about others experiences of codeine/co codamol and how they've overcome it.

I never really used it a few years ago. Mum had it (prescribed) and I'd take a tablet or two when in pain (dislocations etc). When I came home from uni I was unemployed and really down/depressed for about 5 months, and I started taking it heavily then.

Since then, I've used in stages and in different levels. I've gone through periods of using it every day, during the day, only using it at night, and of course withdrawing when the prescription ran out. It sounds daft, but the feeling it gives me is incredible. Providing I know my limit and don't take too many tablets that I feel rough the next day, I'm fine. I'm more positive, cheerful, happy, and I sleep better. I honestly feel sometimes there's no downsides. I function perfectly normal and noone in real life would guess. Mother doesn't notice her prescription going missing as she never uses it (ironically as she doesn't want to get addicted).

I'm not stupid though. I know it must be doing me some harm though. When I withdraw my body aches, I have diarrhea, I have restless legs, I have worse sleep and I suspect that physically at least I am dependant on it.

I can't admit it to anyone in real life. I hate withdrawal. I feel so on edge and down all the time, and part of me can't wait til next Wednesday for mum's prescription to come in, to have more. At the same time I'm going through withdrawal and I'm thinking what is the point in going through this only to have to go through it again, in the future. I want to join the police in the future and know that my cocodamol use will need to stop for this.

The fact that I feel so down without it scares me. I feel really depressed, and I don't know if it's a result of withdrawal or just not medicating. It's not right. I was a lot happier three years ago, and I have been through some stuff since then (not dramatic, unemployment, being assaulted, unemployment, bad family relationships). But surely I should be able to move on from that? I can't let on to anyone that I'm hurting inside, and I should be able to move on from that. I can't afford therapy.

Basically, I'm very confused, a bit scared and a lot fed up of going through withdrawal all over again. I would appreciate support if anyone has been through the same thing.

So almost a day and a half into new job, i do think it was for the best holding off starting tapering from Monday. Waving my pom poms at you. :)

With it being a call centre, before Thursday where all the toilets are in the building, where the first aider can be found if needed, are you hot desking? How are you at the minute for toilet breaks, because if at any point you go into too fast you with hit full withdrawal d+v and while that can be passed off once at work, if it happens several times a day / every day or every couple of days it could bring you a lot of unwanted attention managerial wise and be tricky to disguise as once got past possible bugs, pregnancy and ill health. (i know pregnant ladies arent ill they are growing the next generation)

BUT before anyone jumps on me about the amount of paracetamol being taken, the OP will be able to know if is struggling and can up and down slightly even by 1/4 of the tablet in the first place instead of a full one so its slightly less but without effects and allows room to move, to quote 2 phrases "Rome wasnt built in a day" and "every little helps" each bit that you arent taking is less than the day before, just a suggestion and then you can see your "progress" as the size of what you cut off gets bigger

So almost a day and a half into new job, i do think it was for the best holding off starting tapering from Monday. Waving my pom poms at you. smile

Thanks smurfy. My head is a bit fried today, but I'm settling in more and making friends. Can't find my A level results sheet and never had the certificates so need to ring the school and see if they've got them and if not, pay the exam board for comfirmation. Today went well, I saw the office where I'll be from Thursday onwards - it's huge! Hopefully we'll all be able to stay to together as a group.

Met someone who was in the year below me in school, who works in the same building. He's EO level - hoping to be HEO level so I hope he's my manager (v slim chance I know). He says there's lots of opportunities for training - emailed to you regularly - and plenty of chance for promotion, which is something I'm definitely interested in.

Security managed to terrify us with talk of fb! Obviously I knew not to post bad stuff on there but apparently journalists trawl fb to see what you've shared or even what you've liked, which is a bit concerning. I'm just not going to put my job on there so that I'm protected. Lots of security stuff like locking documents away, making sure your computer key is with you at all times even if you're just nipping to the loo etc - will make sure I follow that one as if something happens there's up to £25,000 fine for you personally I did really enjoy it though. A bit daunting learning all the computer systems but once you're actually on them I imagine it'll be easier.

Currently the toilets are never very far from the main office room, I'm not sure re hot desking but I imagine not as you have your own cabinet/drawers next to your desk where you can store personal belongings etc overnight. I'm not sure re the first aider yet. Toilet breaks you can take as and when needed but for 4 weeks it will be training and as I don't want to miss any information I try to hold it until our official breaks (we get half hour paid and half hour unpaid so not bad).

I am wary of going through withdrawal at the start. The physical will be hard to hide, but also my concentration will be affected and I've got so much to learn I need to be in a good place. I think cutting down by a quarter of a tablet would be good at first. I want to start the ball rolling but at the same time I've got lots to learn and process. I want to develop and go further up the ladder so need to make a good impression. Nipping to the loo every two minutes won't give that, and besides I could miss important information that will put me at a disadvantage in a few weeks.

Horrendous traffic this morning and was late - others were late so not entirely me, but if I'd been more organised I'd have been earlier. Took me 40 mins to get on motorway! Half nine start tomorrow so leaving 20 past 8. I might be very early but it's better than this morning. My lunch is done and in the fridge waiting (sundried tomato and mozzarella pasta salad, yogurt and watermelon sticks), breakfast is in fridge waiting (overnight oats), bag is done complete with deodrant, pens, lipstick and comb, and my clothes are set out (trousers, stripy white red and black top, blazer and boots). Should be a lot less stressy tomorrow and make it on time!

Fuck, it's all come out. Mam found out. They hate me. I'm a druggy. Mams almost in tears but I knew they'd be angry. Furious I've been stealing and furious I didn't tell them. Fuck.

they've called me a druggy you can hear the hate in their voice. They really want me out. dads gonna take me to work the next two days then I've got to leave apparently. I'm hoping they'll let me stay but i honestly don't know. I'm in floods of tears. How could i be so stupid? My life is over. I should have told them at the start. They reckon ill always be a druggy now. I cant go to family as I cant tell them the truth and can't really afford a hotel. Oh fuck. They're the maddest I've seen them. Eben if they let me stay things will never ever be the same they will never trust me. They don't understand. As far as they're concerned it's black and white. Mam won't even look at me though she can shout plenty. I just don't know what to do. I've ruined everything. I've ruined my life. There's no way on from here is there. I've ruined everything

Is anyone about? Please?

It’s all very raw and fresh to them right now. Are you able to go somewhere to give them space to process the information? You are not alone.

Hi Made
I've been following your posts and was pleased to see how well your new job was going and how determined you were to reduce the tabs.
Your Mam and dad are bound to be furious at first, but this will only be their first reaction. I think they will calm down. All you can do is apologise I guess. Addiction is insidious and you didn't start out with that in mind.
Surely they won't make you leave home?

Let them read this post.

It shows that you are planning to stop and have been for a while and they will see that you knew it was wrong and wanted to stop. This post also proves that when you tell them you want to stop it was something you wanted to do and are not just doing it now because you have been caught out.

They will be cross and upset but they will get over it.

Hey I've just seen this....you can pm me anytime. Are you okay? Please don't feel so guilty your parents are totalling over reacting. How are things today?

Things are seriously awful. They keep calling me a druggie, apparently I'm disowned and I've got to leave 10am Saturday. My heart says mam won't, but part of me thinks they might.

The main issues are the stealing and the not telling them. Plus their ideas around drug addicts anyway - they are very old school with old school ideas of 'once a druggie always a druggie'. I've not got any chances now, and they don't care where I go. I've explained I feel down all the time and might have depression but nothing, I've said I don't want to lose them but no success. Mam just sent me a really vile text which I'm ignoring as I know she's spoiling for a fight. I've asked for a chat/family meeting tomorrow afternoon. As long as it's calm, I'm hoping I can win them round.

They're very angry I didn't tell them before, at the start. I explained how they're acting now is why I didn't tell them, they're insistent they could have helped me. I'm sure they think I'm a lost cause now and it's too late. Mam I think is upset but also she's the angriest I've ever seen her. It's serious and there's a chance she'll follow through on her threat.

I've told my best friend. Bless her she was lovely. Told me I need to get help - go GP, go counselling etc - but is reassuring. We keep messaging and she says she's positive they won't chuck me out (i hope things will calm down by then, I can't see mam making me homeless). Friend has said if they do I can stay with her for 3 weeks until she goes on holiday. Travelling back and fo work will be an issue then, although I could do it by public transport it would be hard.

I'm so scared I fucked things up forever, I really am. It's mam I need to win around not dad. If they throw me out I'm fucked, I honestly don't feel like life is worth living now. I'm not going to do anything stupid but for two pins I would. They really seem to hate me, her texts are vile and he won't speak to me. They're just not listening to me, just calling me druggie and thief and keep repeating I'm disowned. How can they be so heartless, they promised to love me no matter what? Even if by some miracle I do end up staying they will never trust me again. I'll be made to feel like a criminal.

I'm really scared. She just rang me, and kept ringing so I had to answer. Was calm which is worse as it means she means it. Says she doesn't love me anymore, called me a druggie once again, and moaned about my stealing. She doesn't want to have a talk tomorrow, she just wants me out. I reminded her that she promised to love me forever no matter what, and she just said 'no, no'. I said I had been feeling down. She said 'you're a young, what's the matter with you' and 'oh I can't be doing with this'. She also reckons she'll be telling family tomorrow so that they won't take me in. I'm really scared she means it. If they do mean it and do chuck me out I've got nothing to live for. That sounds stupid and over reacting but I mean it.

She seems more mad about the stealing than anything. Amazing how ive gone from lovely daughter to druggie, stealing, lowlife disowned scum in a day

I couldn’t see this and run. We’re all thinking about you. Will the extended family not support you at all emotionally? I know mine would, even if they disapproved. Glad your friend is more helpful.

I really think you should go stay at your friends,get away from that...it sounds horrible,plus a break away will do ye all good. If your parents are not listening,write a letter or text and say your sorry their so angry and hurt....but why do they feel like you could have honestly confided in them,when their reaction is utter judgment,disappointment and disowning you. You were too scared to,and obviously for good reason. Plus dealing with feeling enough shame yourself (which by the way you shouldn't feel any). That you'll respect their wishes and leave.I would pack your stuff,go to your friends,and is it possible after 3 weeks for you to live somewhere else? Your relationship with your mam,doesn't have to end,with you living elsewhere,though staying there sounds like it would be a nightmare for you. I truly believe their reaction is ludicrous,but I'm sure over time they'll calm down. For now,write them that letter/text and go chill at your friends x

With going to a friends, she's just said I could but I'd need to have a good reason for telling her mum, and I couldn't tell her the truth. My relatives I think would have me but getting to work would be an issue and again it's the shame that's stopping me.

They're just ignoring anything I say or text, full on the 'I don't care you thief' line. I did say, why do you think I didn't tell them when this was the response? They said that I should have told them in the begining and they could have supported me. They said they'd have helped me, that I should always have been able to come to them. But I knew what the reaction would be.
That you'll respect their wishes and leave.I would pack your stuff,go to your friends,and is it possible after 3 weeks for you to live somewhere else?

I think staying with friend would be tough as I'd need to explain to her mum why I am there and I couldn't tell the truth. A weekend in a hotel is possible but getting to work on the Tuesday would be tough. If they persist, might leave on Saturday and stay in a local hotel (premier inn) and then contact them the Monday morning with a view to reconciliation.

I think if things don't get sorted by saturday I will go to a hotel for a few days and hopefully reach out then. They are over reacting, they keep focussing on the stealing. I think pride is an issue too 'we've never had a druggie in this house and won't start now' is what was actually said.

I need to calm down and go to bed as up early in the morning. Hopefully tomorrow is better

They said you should go to them,they'll always support you,except not this time!! Getting to work is an issue,but it would be worth it. So tell your friends mum,or a relative that you trust? I got a bit hooked on painkillers,got a tad out of hand...mam and dad are going nuts,want me out...I'd really appreciate if I could stay with you for now.

I really don't think you should accept the way their treating you and hope they'll let you stay! ....and you definitely shouldn't be feeling ashamed. Anyway hope you get some sleep. Please don't feel guilty...and really consider taking control of the situation. Don't let them bully you. Pop on here whenever you feel like talking. Sleep well x

I set my alarm and just woke up
Dad comes.in 'druggy wake up' I hate being called that, My teeth itch. Why must he be so horrible, The bastard? Unless things rapidly improve I'll.go to a hotel on Saturday

I think personally they are over reacting but they don't. You hear of families putting up with loads before snapping, not mine oh no. I just feel numb. I've booked a hotel for Saturday until Monday, in case worse does happen. If i stay, as long as I cancel by 1pm Saturday, I'll get money back so that's good. Just so numb and I've got to go to work too god help me. They think they're in the right, I think they are being needlessly cruel..theyre stuck on the stealing and calling me 'druggie' all the time

Mams come in mad again, The fucking bitch. Apparently they hate me and I can hang myself if i want to! Same old stuff - I'm disowned, I'll lose my job (why i don't know), I've got to leave. Sounds like she means it, I've got to start packing today apparently. I don't care about leaving in a way I've accepted that, but the killing myself comment really stuck with me. How can she say that? Very upset but not giving her the satisfaction of seeing she's upset. I fucking hate her. If she chucks me out and we can't make up and I've got to try and sort something out, I'll never talk to them again even to go to their funerals

On a positive side, he (dad) made me breakfast so he must Care deep down. Normally mam is the one who comes round easier but if anything i think dad is more likely to listen eventually than her

I think what happens is he's getting somewhat calm (still not talking) then she rings or they talk and she riles him back up.

@madein1995 im only seeing this now as ive been in sleep mode for a couple of days, (((((hugs))))) you are not a d***e you are someone who has an illness, you took them in the first place to deal with pain you experienced from dislocations and felt the "nice feelings" from them, they drew you in, insidiously you didnt set out to get hooked on them at any point.

Practical issues, consider making contact with GP if you can get speaking to one privately as you need to explain briefly to them what is happening for a couple of reasons, you are now going to hit massive withdrawal as you are going from probably how many codomal per day to 0? They may be able to give you something to help take the edge off or offer other acute help.

Also another reason your mum may be angry is because its now going to come out potentially that she has been "stockpiling" meds as not taking them and not taking mental health ones either? So the conditions arent responding to treatment in the way the GP thinks mainly because she isnt taking it?

Glad your friend is supportive and hopefully her mam will let you stay without a spanish inquisition.

Good to hear your dad is somewhat registering that your not an evil monster that's transpired from outer space,but seriously the way their behaving is nothing less than disgusting. Wherever you decide to go....just please do go.

Hi made and hugs to you. I'm an alcoholic in recovery who got sober through AA and NA. Your parents are reacting very badly; they don't realise that addiction is an illness.

I really hope you use this as a wake-up call to get help for your addiction. Like abitlost who posted earlier, I've had the worrying sense from your thread that you're not quite ready to tackle your addiction yet. I've been there and I know how you feel. You want to carry on doing your new job and keeping your life going. But in fact you need to tackle the addiction FIRST. Go to your GP, get yourself enrolled in community rehab. Get some help!!! The plan of tapering off on your own sounds completely implausible to me, I'm sorry. You CAN get clean, recovery is possible, but you have to be desperate enough to do whatever it takes to get there. As addicts, we will go to any lengths to get hold of our drug of choice -- what we have to do is be prepared to go to any lengths for our recovery. In my own experience, recovery wasn't something I could do on the side, on my own. I tried it for years and it didn't work. Instead I had to throw all my mental resources at it, go to AA and NA meetings all the bloody time, and so on. It was something I was willing to do in the end because I had hit that 'rock bottom' of desperation and misery.

Are you ready to do that yet? Maybe not. But recovery is out there if you want it. And once you start getting help, REAL help, you will feel so much better about yourself. The burden of shame and misery will start to lift.

I know you said the nearest NA meeting was 20 miles away and that's a real shame, because if you went to an NA meeting, you would find a lot of people who have been through what you're going through and who will not judge you at all. Can you go to at least one meeting in person and get some phone numbers? There are also online meetings you can do on the internet.

Your parents sound toxic and I'm sure that the way they've treated you has something to do with the way you've turned to drugs as a way of self-medicating and helping yourself cope with life. But for now, try not to worry about them. Take care of yourself. Get help! There is hope but you have to be really damn determined to reach out for it.

You are worth it. This is your life we're talking about. I'm cheering you on, love.