Codeine addiction

[madein1995]

Hi

I'm new here so please be gentle. I'm posting here for traffic, and just want to know about others experiences of codeine/co codamol and how they've overcome it.

I never really used it a few years ago. Mum had it (prescribed) and I'd take a tablet or two when in pain (dislocations etc). When I came home from uni I was unemployed and really down/depressed for about 5 months, and I started taking it heavily then.

Since then, I've used in stages and in different levels. I've gone through periods of using it every day, during the day, only using it at night, and of course withdrawing when the prescription ran out. It sounds daft, but the feeling it gives me is incredible. Providing I know my limit and don't take too many tablets that I feel rough the next day, I'm fine. I'm more positive, cheerful, happy, and I sleep better. I honestly feel sometimes there's no downsides. I function perfectly normal and noone in real life would guess. Mother doesn't notice her prescription going missing as she never uses it (ironically as she doesn't want to get addicted).

I'm not stupid though. I know it must be doing me some harm though. When I withdraw my body aches, I have diarrhea, I have restless legs, I have worse sleep and I suspect that physically at least I am dependant on it.

I can't admit it to anyone in real life. I hate withdrawal. I feel so on edge and down all the time, and part of me can't wait til next Wednesday for mum's prescription to come in, to have more. At the same time I'm going through withdrawal and I'm thinking what is the point in going through this only to have to go through it again, in the future. I want to join the police in the future and know that my cocodamol use will need to stop for this.

The fact that I feel so down without it scares me. I feel really depressed, and I don't know if it's a result of withdrawal or just not medicating. It's not right. I was a lot happier three years ago, and I have been through some stuff since then (not dramatic, unemployment, being assaulted, unemployment, bad family relationships). But surely I should be able to move on from that? I can't let on to anyone that I'm hurting inside, and I should be able to move on from that. I can't afford therapy.

Basically, I'm very confused, a bit scared and a lot fed up of going through withdrawal all over again. I would appreciate support if anyone has been through the same thing.

lu and Olivia I was just being hopeful but I know once I stop I'll have to stay stop, but the idea of not taking anymore ever... It's something I'll have to get over. Since last Monday I have looked at things with a fresh head and I don't want to frustrate you guys so much that you'll leave.

I know this can't carry on, I know I'm on borrowed time and I'm having to be extremely careful. I'm not going to stop yet but I am exercising damage limitation and I will get a therapist. I know that won't sort all my issues but maybe after therapy I'll feel able to reach out to other services for help?

I know I'm just kidding myself, my last post was stupid and I know it. Of course I can't take them ever again - a sprained ankle caused this relapse. In my heart of hearts I know once I stop I shouldn't ever start again and that includes legitimate pain.

I'm sorry if my last post has upset anyone, especially you lu. I was just being twp. Please guys don't leave me

I think you're dead right that therapy will help with your confidence and self esteem issues, that it will make you stronger and more resilient.

However, unfortunately, I don't think it will help you stop taking codeine. I'm worried that therapy will just prolong the addiction as you can tell yourself that you don't need to think about stopping until after therapy. But that could take a long time and, in the meantime, you're in grave physical danger, Made.

The only way for you to be safe is to stop and stop now

You are playing mental gymnastics at the moment as all addicts do- trying to put off stopping or thinking about stopping for as long as you can.

You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Move out of your parents' house as soon as you can.

Since I've been following this thread you've taken a couple of big steps further into addiction. First, your parents discovering you were using your mother's tablets. You were going to stop then, you went through withdrawal but didn't follow it through and rationalised with your addict brain why you couldn't take any simple steps to help yourself at this point.

Secondly, you took another step deeper in when you decided to order your own tablets online. Rationalising that it's OK, it's a proper pharmacy recommended by the govt. But you know that you are buying them to feed your addiction, not for their intended use.

You have to realise that your brain doesn't want you to stop, and is leading you to make decisions that will ensure you keep on taking codeine.

You know the easiest thing for you to do would be to pick up the phone and speak to the NA helpline. It's anonymous, you have a phone, you could go somewhere quiet for a short while to do it. There's really no reason not to do it, other than you are just convincing yourself that you don't need help. When you REALLY, REALLY do.

This is really sad, and really upsetting me. It's so painful to see.

I agree with the above posters, made, watching you try to lose weight when you have a life-threatening addiction is sheer madness -- it's like watching someone re-arranging deck chairs on the Titanic.

Therapy is a good idea but it can't replace help for substance abuse, as others have said.

I do also want to say that none of us (or very few of us anyway) go into recovery thinking that we want to stop using PERMANENTLY. Forever is a long time and many of us couldn't stop using for even one day, much less forever. In recovery you don't worry about forever, you take it one day at a time and focus on the day. At the start lots of us have to focus on one hour at a time, or ten minutes at a time. You get the idea. 'Keep it in the day' is a big recovery slogan. So I'm not surprised that you don't feel ready to stop using forever. That's OK. But you do have to want to stop using FOR NOW, and be willing to make changes, and I'm not getting the sense that you're ready to do that either.

Best of luck, I'm bowing out now.

Thanks to all those who are still about. I almost called NA earlier, had the number keyed in but I just couldn't bring myself to ring. There's two parts of me, the part that's telling me to at least taper off and the part that telling me things are fine, the latter part is winning.

song my friend would be happy to support me but I don't like telling her - I'm still pretending I'm not taking them anymore. I know she said I could go.to her but it's so shameful and I just know she'll want me to seek help, I don't want to ruin our relationship.

lock I think you're probably right, I will need help from other services. I want to leave it til I move out - because living alone and being accountable to myself will mean I can come and go as I plueas. If I did it now I'd have to constantly make up excuses for where I'm going etc. There's another (!) job I'm applying for, nearest city bit permanent and higher level. I'm going to apply but will email heo tomorrow asking if she'd be happy to give feedback on answers before I applied, to help my chances maybe. I want to move out asap and be independent. That was kind of what upset me in work - I said dad does my dishes and brings me back and fo work.and one of the girls said I should be ashamed.

new I've done a few things I didn't think I would, you're right. I was going to phone but chickened out at the last minute. Just admitting to someone in rl - I'll be sobbing on.thr phone I know I would.

Focusing on my weight isn't brill but I do feel healthier and have more energy, plus my clothes are getting tight again. Really hope I've lost tomorrow. I know it seems Like I'm ignoring the other issue - it's constantly on my mind and it upsets me. Whenever I think too much tears well up which isn't great in work!

I almost called NA earlier, had the number keyed in but I just couldn't bring myself to ring. There's two parts of me, the part that's telling me to at least taper off and the part that telling me things are fine, the latter part is winning.

The addict brain is winning. Things are not fine - they really aren't.

It's OK if you cry on the phone. At least you can be confident that you'll be talking to someone who will understand and who will not Judge you.

Another thing to consider is that you are not alone. You seem to feel very alone, but talking to someone who understands might really help.

new I know the part of my brain that's winning is wrong, I know i should listen to the first one. I'm scared of being seen as some kind of numpty crying on the phone, and I know I'll cry, I always do when I talk about it (to my friend etc). I go to work late Tuesday so perhaps I can ring Tuesday morning before I go in. Do you know if they have a text service or is it's just phones? For some reason speaking is harder than typing

lu I'm sorry you're upset. I don't force anyone to reply to this thread. If someone's had experience of addiction - their own or someone else - and think a thread on it can be triggering, then I wouldn't expect them to open a thread called 'codeine addiction'
OK I accept it could be triggering. But it's my issue, one I'm being honest about. I could lie and say I've rang na, I've been to the sea, but that wouldn't do any good would it?

Yes I'm upset, and though I know my problems seem minor compared to others', they are very real to me. I don't go asking how people are etc. If it was a supporting thread for everyone not just me, I would. But this thread is specifically about my issue.

Again if it's upsetting people they can feel free to leave the thread. I'm not holding a gun to people's backs making them stay. It's my addiction, I'll stop When I feel ready. I have to stop for myself anyway. Stopping because I'm upsetting people won't work in the long run.

Seriously in your last post you even left a smiley face! Since then I've been posting saying how I know I've a problem, I'll get counselling etc, nothing flamotary and I've apologized for my remark about taking it on weekends so I'm not sure what I've done exactly in the last week that's got you so het up?

With all respect I think we've established I don't Just use for the high. I use because I'm down, probably have MH issues (minor) and I've also experienced trauma. I don't just take it for shits and giggles. I fail to see what support i have others don't. I can hardly confide in my family, and I've got one friend I could confide in who's also got her own issues going on. I've got access to na etc same as anyone else.

I think ill be fine when I move out. I also think I'll be able to support vulnerable people yes. I have done over the years and my drug use doesnt affect my work. Not in the slightest.

My choices are affecting you guys on here and I'm sorry if anyone's upset. They're not affecting anyone in rl as no one in rl knows. I'm on time to work, I'm s good friend etc.

I've no doubt others have git bad experiences. That doesn't make mine any less valid.

I'm so fucking low right now (not because of this message but other stuff going on) and things Like this just aren't helpful. It's Like kicking someone when they're down. I get I've got problems, I get that I should get help, I find this thread supportive (in recent days especially song new lemony movie lock posts). Is it too much to ask that people don't shout? All its doing is making me feel shjtter than I already was

@Madein1995 I don't think any addict uses because they want to get high, they use because they feel shit. Another thing addicts do is to think they are different from 'addicts' and can't really be categorised as such, that there are special circumstances in their case.

I know talking on the phone can be uncomfortable, but I think you really are going to have to feel uncomfortable to make any progress, and crying is absolutely fine and completely appropriate in this instance. NO ONE WILL JUDGE YOU. Crying is good for you.

Addicts become addicts because they need to numb their feelings and change the way they feel, because they can't deal with their emotions and need to put them away.

new that's something I need to get over, the idea I'm different. It doesn't help I've supported people with addictions who live chaotic lives and cos I'm not live that part of me thinks I'm different, the rational part of me knows I'm not.

You're right, staying in my comfort zone won't help. I think i will ring na.

Thank you

Actually you wrote several times, please don't leave, I need the support here.

You messaged me privately saying that exact thing. You're an addict in a mess, that feels like a gun to my head to keep trying.

As for kicking when down, you don't know what down is.

For what you've done in the last days, it's the last 500 hundred messages.

Yes you do use because you want to get high, you say that openly.

Yes you are upsetting people who are real, because everyone here who has tried to help and had it thrown back at them with no respect for their own sharing of situations is real.

Everyone has valid experiences. However perspective and respect, as well as seeing how lucky and fortunate you are might help you get over yourself a bit here.

Things like practically absolutely everything you say aren't helpful to many of us here, certainly not me. Again, you think you are the only one dealing with challenges?

Move the focus from yourself, it would be heling.

Yes, you have a hell of a lot more than many people. Did you not register the homeless people hooked on heroin? Or the various other stories that have been shared? You have access to professional resources. Again, so much more than so many others.

You have only liked recent things written to you because, with all due respect to the poster, they have missed this saga and told you what you want to hear. It's all your parents fault, you need to move out and then you'll be fine. That's nonsense and the opposite of true. You're kidding yourself with the, just as you kid yourself with I'll just do it on weekends and I can work with vulnerable people when I'm not able to empathise with others because i'm so absorbed in my own addiction.

Screaming example here, I have just described, after weeks of supporting you and you following me asking me not to leave, the damaging effect you have had on me. You aren't concerned for me.

You are concerned for you. I know life is shit, trust me. I also know it is not all about me and by recognising the and counting my blessings, being grateful for opportunities and lasting a very long time before losing my patience with being upset which is apparently ok because I'm not real and saying Hey, you're upsetting others who are pouring their hearts into trying to help you here, whilst being upset and worried in the process.

Plus, don't talk to me about down. You clearly have no idea what down really is. If you did, you would have developed empathy and concern for others, and you're not there yet.

Honestly, I'm out.

I'll post back in more detail after. I asked you once not to leave. If it's upsettingyou that much why don't you leave? You keep saying that you're going to stop. If you want to stay, stay, if you want to go, go. Don't just post horrible stuff blaming me for you when you could have removed yourself easily. What you're posting now is not helping at all

I understand what Lu is saying but don't agree that this is helpful to the OP. If Made stops posting because of the uncompromising stance taken by certain posters, then how is that helpful to her? She will be just as likely, maybe more likely, to continue using. I would rather keep the thread going and continue the drip drip effect in the hope that she will find the support here helps her to contact NA.

You asked three times, including a private message.

You're talking utter offensive crap now. Horrible stuff blaming you for upsetting me? Yes, you did upset me and yes, it was you. See a bigger picture here. The things you do affect others. You worry, hurt, stress and upset others.

Shift your focus to where you are fucking up here. IF someone says you are upsetting them, that means you've upset them, not that you should attack them. Seriously, go to f-ing therapy!

I'm not concerned for helping you. I can't. Everyone has tried and explained as gently and insistently as possible that you just don't want help.

You can't keep any of the up and now you see the next thing that addiction will do in your life. You'll piss people off and hurt the ones trying to help you and then chase them away.

I'm worried about that rock bottom, really I am, but I think previous posters who have spoken about addicts needing to reach this before anything will change are right.

Please do not involve me in this any more. You also need to have the title of your thread changed to add "Trigger warning".

@locktight

Read back. I'm sad to say you are mistaken.

lu I do need the support here. I did not beg individual posters. Yes I messaged you and asked you to stay - because you seemed pissed off about a post where I said I could just take them at weekends. I realised I was being stupid and so apologized to you and asked you not to leave based on that one post. That is not the same thing as saying 'you've got to stay'. Everyone has free will, I can't see how I MADE you stay through a screen. Perhaps I'm clairvoyant.

I do know what down is... I know when I'm happy and when I'm down, so yes I do know.

Yes I use for the lovely feeling. Because that lovely feeling stops bad thoughts/emotions. Do you think if everything was perfect in my life I'd be taking drugs? No.

I'm not saying the people on here aren't real. I'm not the only one who has problems I know that. But again this thread is called 'codeine addiction' not 'tell me your problems'. I DO care about others but this thread is about me and my issues.

Yep I have access to resources Like na. I presume everyone does.

I haven't fucking 'followed you'. I sent you one message. You post, I reply you're likening me to a puppy following the postman and I'm not.

The other posters haven't said that actually. In fact they've said the opposite, that therapy won't sort me out etc. But at least they're being kind/neutral in tone. You're not, you're blaming me for your feelings when you are the one who chooses to post!

When I'm at work/volunteering my addiction doesn't come into it. Im good at what I do.

Whi said I'm not concerned for you? But it's hard to ask someone if you're OK when they're blaming you for all their ills. I don't feel guilty, and you shouldn't try and make me feel guilty.

Did I ever say you're not real?

I have got huge amounts of empathy. I am kind and caring and that's not for show. What I'm not is I'm not prepared to have you trample over me and make me feel Like Shit while you blame me for your feelings.

If you want out, go.

why should I need to? if people can't identify that if they've got a drugs trigger then opening s thread called 'codeine addiction' is a bad idea...

lock thanks. I know I've got a problem, I don't want anyone to tell me it's all OK (and no one has said that anyway). But it is helpful to share stuff.

I hope you're ok Made.

LuMarie firstly I'm so sorry for what you're going through, it is fucking shit and I felt terrible reading what you've been through and are still having to deal with. I mean that genuinely, it's hard to come across properly online without sounding flippant.

I think though that you're unleashing a lot of anger towards made that isn't going to help. I know you said you don't want to help her now and that's fair enough, but I think it may have a detrimental effect. I know when someone has a go at me I just want codeine straight away, to make all those feelings of shame and self hate go away. As we know made takes quite a lot in one go sometimes that worries me - I worry she will take too many as a result of feeling like she's upsetting people.
I just feel like the last few posts have been incredibly harsh and actually nasty in some ways :(

Made how are you feeling today? How have your parents been the last couple of days?

You're right this thread isn't a support group, it's about the support YOU asked for and advice you have sought because you know your codeine use isn't good. It's not a place for others to vent at you and make you feel guilty, you have enough of that yourself to deal with.

@Madein1995 I'm just saying I do hope you can find the strength to call NA I think it will be really helpful for you to speak to someone who does understand and who really will not judge you.

made. I’ve read through the whole of your thread this morning. It makes me very sad and you seem to be fooling yourself more and more.
I had found an online NA chatroom. It’s based in the US but, I reckon their 3pm meeting will be at 8pm tonight. mobile.nachatroom.org

Just log on and see where it goes from there.

I still think you’d be better off calling NA here but if this is the first step you think you need to take, here it is.

Btw the chat room is open 24/7. Give it a try!

bloomers I've heard about those, I might give it a try. Do I need to speak or could I just listen?