Codeine addiction

[madein1995]

Hi

I'm new here so please be gentle. I'm posting here for traffic, and just want to know about others experiences of codeine/co codamol and how they've overcome it.

I never really used it a few years ago. Mum had it (prescribed) and I'd take a tablet or two when in pain (dislocations etc). When I came home from uni I was unemployed and really down/depressed for about 5 months, and I started taking it heavily then.

Since then, I've used in stages and in different levels. I've gone through periods of using it every day, during the day, only using it at night, and of course withdrawing when the prescription ran out. It sounds daft, but the feeling it gives me is incredible. Providing I know my limit and don't take too many tablets that I feel rough the next day, I'm fine. I'm more positive, cheerful, happy, and I sleep better. I honestly feel sometimes there's no downsides. I function perfectly normal and noone in real life would guess. Mother doesn't notice her prescription going missing as she never uses it (ironically as she doesn't want to get addicted).

I'm not stupid though. I know it must be doing me some harm though. When I withdraw my body aches, I have diarrhea, I have restless legs, I have worse sleep and I suspect that physically at least I am dependant on it.

I can't admit it to anyone in real life. I hate withdrawal. I feel so on edge and down all the time, and part of me can't wait til next Wednesday for mum's prescription to come in, to have more. At the same time I'm going through withdrawal and I'm thinking what is the point in going through this only to have to go through it again, in the future. I want to join the police in the future and know that my cocodamol use will need to stop for this.

The fact that I feel so down without it scares me. I feel really depressed, and I don't know if it's a result of withdrawal or just not medicating. It's not right. I was a lot happier three years ago, and I have been through some stuff since then (not dramatic, unemployment, being assaulted, unemployment, bad family relationships). But surely I should be able to move on from that? I can't let on to anyone that I'm hurting inside, and I should be able to move on from that. I can't afford therapy.

Basically, I'm very confused, a bit scared and a lot fed up of going through withdrawal all over again. I would appreciate support if anyone has been through the same thing.

@Madein1995 you say you can't get help because you wouldn't want your parents to know, and that you'd be concerned about dredging up unpleasant things from your past.

I think you could get help without your parents knowing, and without dragging stuff up from your past.

Could you manage to get to an NA meeting, or at least contact NA for a chat.

There are anonymous online only NA meet

Last bit of previous message should say that there are online only NA meetings which are completely anonymous. You might find taking part in one of those helpful.

I do urge you to look into what help is available and try to overcome the feeling that you can't get help until you move.

You urgently need to get help before you move.

I think I.will look into NA online meetings. I'm not trying to justify my addiction - I can't really - but just posting on here helps.

I'm feeling much better noe

I'm going to have to go through withdrawal to an extent, Its no point taking them all the time, I'll end up making myself really ill and I'll run out of tablets. I'm going to only take them at weekends, I'll have to weather a few days of withdrawal is all. Am going to look up na online, wonder if there's an online forum or something, I find typing things out easier than speaking

If you google NA UK helpline, you can call the number and someone will talk to you about how it all works.

If you read what you have written in your last post it completely defies any sense or logic. Rather than go through withdrawal once and for all, you want to take the tablets at weekends to ease your emotional pain but then give yourself more pain by withdrawing for the rest of the week. What you will do here is make things harder for yourself. Addiction is progressive.

This is not a good idea.

The easiest thing to do would be to see your GP. But I hope you can find some encouragement and support.

Couple of things - I have been where you are with codeine. I honestly think the fear of life without it is worse than the reality.

How did you feel taking so many at a time? I used to only ever take 60g max (so two cocodamol but mine were pure codeine) and even then it'd make me drowsy, feel sick and not be able to think straight.

Also you are putting yourself at risk of respiratory depression. I'm sure you know that codeine slows everything down in your body, well that includes breathing. When you take it then drift off to the induced sleep you're running the risk of stopping breathing or struggling for breath. This is of course alongside the liver risks.

Please get professional help today

I've had a look online, there doesn't seem to be an online forum. I have come across some other recovery forums so might be worth posting on there. I think I'll have a proper look tomorrow new

song taking 10 at a time I felt really rough - sick, bad stomach, pains, dry mouth, just yuck. I don't miss that feeling. Taking 4 or 5 at a time though, I feel fine, better than fine really. I admit, it is scary thinking that when I drop off to sleep I might not be able to breathe and might not wake up. The thought of my parents finding me struggling to breathe, being taken to a and e and them finding out, is awful. I think something almost happened back last year - I was napping, I could hear dad calling me but couldn't wake or stop shaking, after a few minutes of him shaking me I came round. I'm not really sure what happened but the thought of that happening again is scary

Feeling restless tonight, not sure why, just can't seem to settle even though I have taken a tablet. Just feel on edge/not able to concentrate/bored which is weird.

Just another whinge, though it does feel good putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and letting things out.

Feel OK today, just very tired. Work is going ok, it's getting tougher but I'm coping with it, asking for help a lot but that's the way to learn I suppose.

Had a bit of a think re my future and decided I possibly want to be a social worker. I thought about doing it in my third year of uni but was too late to swap etc then, more's the pity. I'd go down the route of doing a MA. It wouldn't be for a while - while I'd get loans I'd need to part fund uni myself, and save up for living costs as course is very full on - no time to work, and I need to get experience. First step is saving up and getting experience, so I've sent off a volunteering application form.

In terms of jobs, I've found another DV job I'm going to apply for tomorrow. Also I'm going to apply to CS Fast Stream next summer. I doubt I'll get in but it's a worth a try, and good money, so I could work and save up money and then if I wanted to leave it and do a Masters. There's no rush really, it might be better to get settled in a career first - eg DV job/support job/CS Fast Stream, save up, move out and carry on saving up, and then once I have enough money behind me go back to uni.

That might be a better idea than my original plan of saving in current job for 2 years, staying at home, then doing masters at home - would mean staying at home until I'm 27! And lots of people go back to uni later on - if I got settled, my own (rented) place and spent a few (maybe 3-5) years saving, I might be in a position to study and still live independently. Even if I went back to uni at 30 and qualified at 32, that's not old is it? Though it does seem a long way away. Maybe slow and steady is the sensible way to go? Or just grab the bull by the horns, apply in 2 years and just stay at home for the next 4 years?

Really hope someone's listening. I think I am going to need to get a handle on things, might start tapering off next week or the week after. Just taking them at night isn't enough - I last took some early hours this morning to sleep and I'm getting the hint of withdrawals now - just a bit twitchy, especially twitchy legs. Maybe I'm getting more used to them again. I can't be dealing with withdrawals all week and use on weekends like planned, it'll be too tough. I really don't want to stop though. But I think I might start tapering off soonish.

Op, this is the time you need to seek help. Not taking more with a view to tapering off in the future.

You need to own this.

Made sorry I missed your reply. Yes I bet taking 10 at a time wasn't a good experience at all, but your tolerance possibly went high enough to be able to cope quite happily with 5 ( I mean on the surface of course, there's no telling what was happening underneath).

That thing that happened with your dad waking you up - I've had similar. I've had a few instances of waking up gasping for breath or suddenly feeling that I can't breathe when lying down after taking C. There's nothing worse than that feeling or worry is there?

I just want to say something about all this and that is: You can't help becoming dependent on this drug, I hope you know this. It's the way our brains respond to it, a physical need, an emotional need too. It happens after a while and we're not the first nor the last. I used to feel a lot of shame and self hate about it, that I was weak in some way or scummy. I used to hide my addiction and go to great lengths to keep it going as long as possible - it really was like my body and brain was screaming out for it. And when life is shit - which mine was and still is - we hang on to anything at all that makes it a tiny bit more bearable.

I'm not making much sense, I'm tired and it's too hot lol but what I'm trying to say is give yourself some compassion. YOU will get YOU through this but it won't be easy doing that alone, so try to find a way to get some support along the journey.

I will check in with you tomorrow x

I'm sorry, but I agree on excuses. Someone who owns the problem can say here is why I started, but now the problem is me.

Also, you are clearly in need of sounding off here and you say it makes you feel better, don't you realise that this is how therapy will make you feel, expect a million times more powerfully.

I also have had to stay away as I also felt I was banging my head against a wall. This unfortunately is the effect when a person with an addiction will not listen or accept help. Everyone will be compassionate and attempt to help, but eventually become frustrated by excuses, stupid behaviour and ignoring repeated advice.

As for therapy, do your parents know where you are 24 hours a day? They don't know you are abusing drugs. Make an excuse and get to therapy. Go after work, go and make an excuse like meeting a friend, whatever. Just go, no more excuses. You are incredibly lucky that it is a possibility for you, be grateful and try. As for it bringing up childhood stuff, firstly you don't talk about anything you don't want to and secondly, find me someone who doesn't have challenges due to their childhood. Maybe talking about these issues with your parents would be a very good thing, as they are all over your story here. A better and truthful relationship with them would be a big improvement and help you in future.

As for withdrawals, well I've had to do them for several medications, stronger withdrawals than codeine and prescribed medications after I had cancer, multiple surgeries, general devastation in my life. I wasn't abusing drugs, I was just on god knows all what at horrible dosages with absolutely no choice. I don't consider myself any different to anyone else who has chosen to go make their life and the lives of those around them by ending an addiction. I have a massive amount of respect for this because I know what it takes.

I do however struggle with people creating their own problems by staying in an addiction, not listening to advice and not trying things theatre suggested. I had no help and I have to do everything by myself. You have all these options to follow for help, therapy, GP, NA, listen to advice here, but you are dismissing it all. It upsets me that you are doing this. It will upset other people and in future, university, family, work, whatever, it will upset people and they will feel like me. Upset personally.

@Madein1995 have you thought about the effect addiction has on your thought processes and your ability to make good decisions?

If you look back through the thread, you are rejecting every suggestion of how you could get help. Has it occurred to you that your addicted brain is leading you to make decisions that will ensure that you don't stop using?

If you want to get better, at some point you will have to do some things that don't feel comfortable.

lu I know my problems are my own. But is there any need to be harsh? I get I've upset you, I upset myself sometimes, but still. I'm not creating my own problems, I don't have any real problems in rl, my addiction hasn't impacted other areas of my life, for eg work. I'm going to get better and will taper off. I get that people are frustrated - and this isn't just at you, it's at some other posters too - I get that you guys are frustrated and that's fair enough but some posts do upset me and/or make me angry.

new I know what you mean, my heads all over the shop atm.

song I really know where you're coming from with the making life bearable. Even though you know it's wrong etc it is a short term solution to emotional pain. Even though I know its bad, I also know it's what keeps my smile on, helps me put up my front and seem all happy and confident. You make perfect sense. I go to so much trouble to keep things secret, to the extent that I keep the tablets and packaging in my drawer at work. At home they're either tucked away in my bag or (gross as it sounds) in the waistband of my knickers, on my hip. I definitely feel weak. Thank you so much for your post, you really understand. How long have you been off them? (Hate the word clean, conjures imagines of die hard Addicts in clinics - sorry if that offends - and that if you're not 'clean' then you must be dirty).

Thank you guys for still posting

I'm not being harsh. I am being truthful and I had to do it very carefully and hold back on what I would say and how I would phrase things if I knew you personally.

I think you are continuing without change, endlessly struggling, not listening and not getting help, other than the conversation here.

However the information, suggestions, compassion, support, sharing of experiences is supporting you actively choose to continue abusing drugs and hurt yourself.

I feel like we are enabling you now, as you are getting the comfort of conversation and communication that you need, but you are not being lifted out of this very serious problem. You need professional help for that as clearly you don't actually want to stop. You have said this, you are making excuses or saying you don't want all the kinds of help available

If I/we keep replying with supportive things and listen to you saying things that we all know are getting you nowhere, repeating the things that you aren't going to listen to, then what are we doing? We are giving you the place you need to talk, but you are then able to talk about taking these dangerous medications in an uncontrolled manner and continuing to do so, you don't want to talk about stopping. So you get the conversation you need, but because you don't want to do any of the things to make a change (even to see a GP so that you can have codeine without the paracetamol that is damaging you) and because we are at a safe distance from you, you don't need to actually do anything.

NA, GP, therapist, parents, friends... all would give you this space for conversation and would also force you to actually take some real life positive steps and commit to these.

We can only give you conversation, so you get that therapeutic part, but we can't actually encourage you along with actions. So by continuing to give you what you need, the compassion, the space to talk which of course you will always get here, we are filling a space for a therapist or NA or someone who you will have to show you are trying to move forward in order to have the support.

As you keep finding excuses and reasons not to follow any of the options and you keep putting aside the concerns and advice, all we are now doing is enabling you by giving you the conversation space you need with none of the responsibility for you to actually act.

So I personally feel like we are enabling you.

You aren't listening to the very important things being said and you aren't getting out of this. For that you need a therapist and all the professional help available.

Also have you considered the concern with which everyone is writing? We can't get to you, we can't call for help, we can't check up on you. We have no idea how you may react to advice or some tough love/inconvenient truths, it's terrifying to worry that you are not listening. A huge amount of care is going into every response here, how to not upset you but give you advice, how to give you correct advice, how to try to have you hear, how to continue to be supportive (girl I'm still here and you are making me want to reach for the valium and that is not how I want to feel, but I am still here talking to you!), how to do all the right things.

So it's tough love from me now. So listen to me.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with going to a therapist or NA and saying "I take x and I do this with it. I know it's not good, that I have an addiction, but the problem is I just don't want to stop". Nothing wrong at all with that! You don't have to show up perfect, you just have to show up. You just have to show up.

Then let them take care of you. The obvious conversation is why don't you want to stop. We can't get to the reasons in a conversation here. Is it fear of coping without? Is it fear of physical response? Are you dealing with low self esteem and so assuming you can't do anything? Are you dulling another pain or sadness? Are you dealing with low self esteem and punishing yourself by doing something harmful to yourself? Are you just lost in life? Are you speaking without a clear mind because these drugs have a hold on you? Are you hiding from facing life without? Are you scared of what will happen when you do stop, having to create and maintain a healthy life that just is overwhelmingly daunting?

It is probably a really uncomfortable combination of all of these things and more. That is how addictions often start, it is definitely why they develop and continue.

We (us and you) can't figure out which of these are causing you the most challenges. We can't then step by step take whatever it is apart and chat about why each of those things has happened, how you can understand them so manage them, give you space to actually talk about them and work through them. This is what a therapist will do. I swear it's voodoo, they somehow get you to figure everything out on your own in a safe space with no judgement. Just about it and understanding it will help you feel better. They can do this because they are trained professionals, they recognise patterns in behaviour that they've seen a million times, they know the steps you personally have to go through and they know how you are doing on a controlled regular basis, because you have appointments and they will see the direction your thoughts and conversations are taking you. They can physically see you and that helps them guide you.

We can't do that, you can't do that. That's why therapy exists, for all sorts of things, that's why people go, for all sorts of reasons. It's good! You'll even sleep better. Seriously, it's like voodoo to the non expert.

Go see someone. Again, it is absolutely fine to say "I take these things, I know I shouldn't, I just don't want to stop". That's completely valid.

You can talk through it, only things you want to as you choose what you want to talk about and what you don't want to touch. You will feel better.

Meanwhile, for heavens sake. The paracetamol has to go. As everyone has said, the addictive codeine that you want is not the imminent danger. It's your addiction and no one is trying to take that away from you. A doctor will give you codeine in a way you can manage. You will not be forced off something unless you are ready. Add in therapy to your days and maybe you will feel ready to take little steps to improve and feel better.

You literally have no reason even close to a good excuse not to see a GP and go from the dangerous and uncontrolled stuff (you should not be ordering online, no one is there for you to call and no one is checking on you properly before giving you them, you are on your own without a trustworthy source of medication, you don't need to be). Go see your GP. If you are worried about it being on records (for no good reason, you should see mine, bloody hell, but it was that or die), go to a private GP at first. Then move to your regular GP who will likely be more helpful and responsible in taking care of you.

Don't you want to feel better? About your life, about yourself, about your days. Aren't you exhausted of this endless circling that isn't helping you but you can't get out of by yourself?

No one is saying stop the codeine now immediately. I don't think anyone has said that.

You need a little bit of help and support, you need some care. You will feel better.

You just need to go to these people for help.

I agree with everything you've said, LuMarie. I've gone quiet on this thread myself because it's clear to me that the OP doesn't want to stop using. In fact, it seemed to me from the beginning that she wasn't ready to stop using, and nothing since then has changed. Getting RL help is always postponed to some indefinite future.

But sadly this is completely par for the course among addicts. That's why hitting the proverbial 'rock bottom' is, paradoxically enough, a kind of gift. It's a moment when things get so bad that the addict is finally willing to make changes. A rock bottom can be caused by concrete circumstances (like losing a job, becoming homeless) or it can be a psychological rock bottom. For whatever reason, Made isn't at that point.

I say this without judgement. Lots of us go through years of denial before the penny drops and we're ready to make a change. I went to my GP at one point seeking treatment for depression, and after questioning me, he decided I had an alcohol problem and referred me to an alcohol abuse counsellor. I thought the whole thing was absurd (ok, yes, I knew I was drinking a bit too much, but alcohol wasn't my problem! Depression was my problem! I could always stop drinking so much once the depression got better!). I had half-a-dozen sessions with a substance abuse counsellor and I was such a good talker, I even convinced her by the end that I didn't have a drinking problem. It wasn't until years later that the drinking made my life so bad that I was ready to acknowledge I needed help FOR THE DRINKING, and that the depression and insecurity and other troubles in my life couldn't be fixed until I got help for the alcohol addiction.

So again, the OP continues to differentiate herself from 'diehard addicts in clinics', while the truth is that the 'diehard addicts in clinics' are further along the path to recovery than she is. Because they've admitted they have a problem and are seeking help, and she isn't able to do that yet.

You can see why the main piece of advice offered by Al-Anon, and similar organisations for the families and loved ones of addicts, is for the friends and loved ones to detach, and to try to stop rescuing the addict. Because a thousand MN posts telling Made she should get help won't do any good, until Made herself decides that she needs help.

For your sake, Made, I hope that day comes sooner rather than later.

I might add that I was lucky in that I hadn't done irreparable damage to my liver when I stopped -- if you carry on taking the paracetamol, Made, I don't know if you'll be so lucky.

Hi, just a quick post, I'll post properly later on the week. Ive been looking up therapists near work, Im starting voluntary work too so could tell parents that that night I'm volunteering when I'm not, and arrange it for after work. I'm really hot atm, had a bit of toothache so taken a tablet, but that was for a genuine need.

Also when I next order tablets I think I'll order codeine rather than cocodamol.

Hi made how are you feeling today? Please don't feel weak, dirty, unclean or ashamed - these are the feelings that keep us where we are to be honest and are not the way forward when it comes to trying to get through this addiction. Saying that, I totally get it as I felt (and still feel) the same, it's so much easier to advise others than ourselves isn't it!

I used to get pure codeine prescribed and remember planning exactly which doctor I'd see as some were more likely to just give it to me when I'd run out and some would question me and I'd feel so guilty like I was in court! The one Dr who I tried to see each time was very laid back about it and would renew my script even if I still had some to save me coming back. When I had to see one of the others I'd get so upset and knew I'd have to strike the perfect balance of seeming in enough pain to convince them I needed the tabs without coming across as desperate or begging. I got told I needed to taper down many times and it did go quite low but I was still getting enough to be able to take 60mg at a time.

In the end I got cut off by a Dr I'd never seen before, she was very abrupt and told me enough is enough and prescribed me a few of the low dose 8/500 ones which are OTC. I tried to plead my case but she wasn't accepting it and I felt like screaming. I said to her what's the harm in having something that helps me with pain, emotional and physical? I made a complete twat of myself as I had nothing to lose and tried every reason I could think of to continue on it.

I knew in my heart then that I'm an addict and started panicking about what I'd do without them, I looked online to buy them but didn't go through with it as I was scared they'd not be genuine, I researched other methods of getting some but in the end realised I had to face it.

This is all only a few weeks ago so I am very very new along this process. It hasn't been anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be though and I've found things like my motivation have come back a bit, I'm less clumsy, my moods feel more stable.

In my life I've quit smoking, nicotine replacement therapy, weed, alcohol - with each of those things (except alcohol) I've panicked at the thought of never having them again, tried to bargain with myself about the fact that we all have vices and I need something to help me through the day. I then realise in fact that everything has to end sometimes, we have a good run of the 'forbidden' stuff in life sometimes then it has to go. If we can do it without any negative consequences then we're lucky so we have to quit while we're ahead.

I'm a bit worried about the amounts of paracetamol you've been having, please do consider getting rid of that if nothing else. It honestly will cause massive problems if you carry on overdosing on it :( Feel free to PM me anytime.

lu your last post resonated with me. I hadn’t realised I could still go to counselling even if I’m still using. I’ve applied for a voluntary post near work, if I get it I could easily tell parents that I’m volunteering say every Tuesday night and go to counselling instead. More deceit and lies, but I’m used to it by now. There’s someone right near work too.
I know you say enabling but it doesn’t feel like that. You’re all being supportive yet talking straight at me (which I really don’t want to hear but it does make me think..) and it’s helping me. I am listening, I check in each morning and evening even if the posts I see do make me feel like crap – because I’ve got to think about things again and that’s horrible.

With the cocodamol you’ve got a point. I did try just ordering codeine before but the high wasn’t the same as cocodamols, but that’s a daft reason. When I order next I’ll order just codeine. Not as good as going to GP but they are real drs (albeit based abroad) and I do buy from reputable sites (this one is endored by Dr Christian off the telly)

marfisa atm the fight seems to have left me. You’re right, when I first posted I didn’t want to stop, even when my parents found out I didn’t, and still don’t. I know I should stop, and part of me does want to. For now switching to just codeine might be an idea. I’ve got to be careful. At the moment it doesn’t affect my life – apart from sneaking about – or productivity etc in work, and I need to make sure it stays that way. I won’t lose my job over it, I’d die of shame if that happened.

The rational part of me knows I’m no different to any other addict. The problem is I’ve supported people, and ime people with addictions usually have other issues; housing, money, employment, relationships, etc etc. I don’t have that so it’s hard to think of myself as being on the same level as them. I know that might read as me being snobby or stuck up, but that really isn’t the case.

song much easier to give advice than take it, but thank you . I know exactly what I’d be saying to someone in my shoes, though I can’t follow my own advice. My stomach’s sore, I’m unable to go to the loo, I get twitchy after stopping for a few hours – I’m a bit of a mess.

I’m fine until I think about things – namely drugs, my feelings, etc – then I feel like crap again, so I take a tablet again, and on it goes. Just thinking about things makes me feel shit like you wouldn’t believe.

You poor thing on those low dose ones, I had them once for an ear infection and they didn’t help much. The panic’s awful. I hate running out; I feel uneasy if I’ve not got any. I’ve still been taking from mam but v. little – trying to eke out the rest of my pills – but need to do it sporadically and keep to a minimum.

Well done you for doing it, I’m glad you’re feeling so good . I’ve stayed off them for a while at a time and while it wasn’t terrible, something was missing, life just felt like a sea of grey, just meh. Maybe I didn’t give it long enough.

I know what you mean re quitting when you’re ahead. I often think that I’m hiding things ok now, so I may as well stop when the going’s good. Then I tell myself that I’m hiding it so well it’ll be fine. I can’t let myself think about my parents finding out, it hurts to think about it, last time is still too raw in my head.

I think I will order just codeine without paracetamol next time.
I joined weight watchers tonight so that’s something to focus on, hopefully with eating better I’ll feel better.

Made I think because you've taken quite a lot in one go most of the times, you've built up a high tolerance, so yes when you stop for a while it will feel pretty crap.
A couple of years ago I had an operation and was given extra ones, I was taking 8 a day and when I tried to go down to my usual 4 I had the things you're describing, the stomach issues were awful :(

Yes it wasn't a fun moment being told I was only getting the 8mg ones, I even asked for them to be given as pure codeine giving the reason that paracetamol gives me heartburn (!) but the real reason was so I could take 8 of them at a time safely. She said no to that anyway.

I would not say I'm feeling good - I never really am. I'm depressed and have a lot going on at home, the codeine helped to numb it a bit but it was still there and I knew that really. I miss it terribly, but do you know what's weird? Even when I was on it I missed it! I'd be thinking about the next dose, how soon it would come around. I missed those initial few highs when I first started taking it, I was always hoping to get moments like that again but they never matched up. So even when I had it I never really had it if that makes sense? I was always wanting something more - what that 'something' is I can't tell you but I suspect we won't find it in codeine.

The problem is I’ve supported people, and ime people with addictions usually have other issues; housing, money, employment, relationships, etc etc. I don’t have that so it’s hard to think of myself as being on the same level as them. I know that might read as me being snobby or stuck up, but that really isn’t the case.

This is really interesting. I don't for a minute think you're snobby or stuck up but I do think you're in denial. You've said a few times on this thread that you have issues going back to your childhood with your parents, that there's a lot of pain there. That's what you do have in common with all those other addicts: pain. Their pain may be from having no money, from no contact with family, from health issues, but yours is from childhood trauma. I know you don't want to uncover it and look at it and you don't have to. Other posters are right that you can go to therapy and work through your addiction by focusing on the here and now.

Have a look at this site: drugs-forum.com/forums/opiate-opioid-addiction.281/

It helped me a lot, so many people on there going through this who understand and plenty who have recovered and managed to still feel ok and not that grey feeling that you mention.

Oh well done for joining Weight watchers too!