Codeine addiction

[madein1995]

Hi

I'm new here so please be gentle. I'm posting here for traffic, and just want to know about others experiences of codeine/co codamol and how they've overcome it.

I never really used it a few years ago. Mum had it (prescribed) and I'd take a tablet or two when in pain (dislocations etc). When I came home from uni I was unemployed and really down/depressed for about 5 months, and I started taking it heavily then.

Since then, I've used in stages and in different levels. I've gone through periods of using it every day, during the day, only using it at night, and of course withdrawing when the prescription ran out. It sounds daft, but the feeling it gives me is incredible. Providing I know my limit and don't take too many tablets that I feel rough the next day, I'm fine. I'm more positive, cheerful, happy, and I sleep better. I honestly feel sometimes there's no downsides. I function perfectly normal and noone in real life would guess. Mother doesn't notice her prescription going missing as she never uses it (ironically as she doesn't want to get addicted).

I'm not stupid though. I know it must be doing me some harm though. When I withdraw my body aches, I have diarrhea, I have restless legs, I have worse sleep and I suspect that physically at least I am dependant on it.

I can't admit it to anyone in real life. I hate withdrawal. I feel so on edge and down all the time, and part of me can't wait til next Wednesday for mum's prescription to come in, to have more. At the same time I'm going through withdrawal and I'm thinking what is the point in going through this only to have to go through it again, in the future. I want to join the police in the future and know that my cocodamol use will need to stop for this.

The fact that I feel so down without it scares me. I feel really depressed, and I don't know if it's a result of withdrawal or just not medicating. It's not right. I was a lot happier three years ago, and I have been through some stuff since then (not dramatic, unemployment, being assaulted, unemployment, bad family relationships). But surely I should be able to move on from that? I can't let on to anyone that I'm hurting inside, and I should be able to move on from that. I can't afford therapy.

Basically, I'm very confused, a bit scared and a lot fed up of going through withdrawal all over again. I would appreciate support if anyone has been through the same thing.

P.S. I would add that at the moment taking a small step towards recovery/help probably seems like the hardest thing ever. But believe me, nothing is as hard as living in addiction and trying to hold down a job and putting on your happy face every day. I look back at my days of using and I can't believe how much bloody hard work it all was. Life as an addict is utterly exhausting and draining. It's a huge relief just to let go and admit to someone that you're not coping.

I'll shut up now!

I agree with Marfisa. It doesn't matter what the addiction is, the resulting behaviour changes and loss of autonomy over life are the same. OP as you have discovered the physical withdrawals are the easy bit... but unless you address the underlying reasons for use and behaviours around using you are a "dry drunk".

I get what you're saying marifsa, I do think of cocodamol and the lovely feeling etc. I can cope without it though, it doesn't dominate my life. Today I've not really thought of using, been in work etc, it hasn't dominated my day. I don't live just to use, I've got other things going on too. I understand it's not great - but for now I'm just using at weekends, so I'm controlling it. I know I've got some emotional problems and they do need sorting out - need to come to terms with my past etc. But I do think I can control things, I mean I am at the minute. I'm not stealing grannie's handbags to buy more drugs, I do feel in control of it, I can function.

Op, this whole thread is an example of how it does dominate your life. You are kidding yourself if you think you are in control of it, it's controlling you.

I agree, it is dominating you.

It's like saying "I'm an alcoholic but it's ok, I'm a functioning alcoholic".

You are still completely hooked and trying to work out the next time you can get some. You refer to the times you have it as good/makes you feel better etc.

You really need to open your eyes and be more self aware

A bit off topic, but some good news today. I've got an interview for the job I applied for. Have requested leave for next Wednesday, if.work don't allow it I'll have to make up a sick auntie or something. I've booked the train tickets, made a note of times/where train is headed to etc, booked the hotel (will get taxi from hotel to station), booked meal in restaurant on site. I feel nervous as hell but excited too, just can't believe I even got an interview. Mam is v nervous at thought of me getting train alone to strange city, tried to get dad to go with me til I pointed out the cost. She's settled for telling me once I'm in the hotel/rrstaurant I shouldnt leave til morning, not to stay out after dark etc. She's being better than I thought though. If I did get job I'm not sure what I'd do - I would miss home, daft as it sounds

Just call NA and talk to someone. It's completely anonymous. Tell them all the things you've said here.

That's brilliant about the interview, made, well done! Your parents do sound quite overprotective.

Whether or not you get the job, the interview and going away on your own will be great practice -- you're moving towards greater independence.

she's In a mood again. I can't wait to move out, hopefully I get this job. Cars broke down again (dad was meant to get it fixed and hadn't) so she's in a mood. Saying I shouldn't go, I waste money so the money I've already paid shouldn't matter, it's stupid to go, if I moved I'd need to pay rent and bills etc. Then she's whinging over the car - they hired one last week to take me back and fo work, how it was 200 pounds etc so I said I'd pay and she's still whinging. Reckons I should pay petrol and rent frlm now on - I wouldn't mind paying actually but she's doing it out of spite. She's pissed off at being stuck in cos no car etc

This is such a mess OP.

Try and disengage from your parents petty dramas. If they want to charge you for heir car breaking down - smile, nod, and make plans for your own life.

You need to move out because you need to start building your own adult life, instead of continuing your dysfunctional childhood. Try to take the emotion out of it - you seem to be swinging between being angry and upset with your parents and desperately wanting to go, and being scared to move on and feeling sad you won’t see them.

Ultimately, your a 23 year old person, who needs to build your own life. That’s why you need to move out, to stop yourself living at home with your parents age 30+ addicted to codeine alcohol etc and full of regrets

Let's be very clear here.

Moving away from parents (who day before were going to be really missed) will not solve a drug and alcohol addiction, or denial about it.

Very up and down reviews of your parents OP, one minute you'll miss them, the next minute they are massively unreasonable and you can't wait to get away from them, the next minute it's fine everyone has calmed down and it's forgotten. There isn't much consistency in your own responses to them.

If you didn't have a drug addiction I'd say you sound like a young 23. However you do have a drug addiction so I have to wonder if you are having extreme reactions. If these extreme reactions are related to addiction or addictive personality, you need to do something about them, because you will have problems in all parts of your life and not live the best life you can because of this.

Seriously, new jobs, no new jobs, parents angels, parent a nightmare, NONE OF THIS makes a difference to the fact that you are denying and refusing to seek help for an addiction that will destroy you.

You need to call NA. You need to help yourself here. There is only so many times other will encourage and support you before they say there is nothing they can do to help if you will not try to help yourself. All you have to do is go to a professional.

Honestly, I can't say it again.

Just to say what others have about the paracetamol - the difference between a safe dose and one that can kill you or start to fry your liver is not large. At the doses of co codamol you’re taking the paracetamol is what is critical - you are taking far, far too much and it’s very likely to give you liver failure. You won’t know you have liver damage until it’s too late - it’s a silent killer.

Please seek some qualified help as soon as you can.

I'm managing not to use everyday. I'm under no illusions that it's a solution, but it's better than using everyday surely? It sounds like I'm in denial, but it's not controlling my life.

With my parents, we have a v. complicated relationship. I do love them and would miss them, but I need to get a permanant job and move out. Once I'm out I can start therapy and looking at things; I use cocodamol to cope with my feelings, once I'm sorting my feelings out etc I won't need to use. I know leaving home wouldn't be some magic solution, but I can't get better living at home.

I suppose I am very sensitive. I'm sensitive, doubt myself, self concious, hate upsetting people etc, which is probably why I feel things so extremely/strongly.

Good luck with the interview, I hope it's successful so you can turn your life around, you need to get off the codeine but you already know that.

I’m going to be really blunt:

Using more than the recommended dose of paracetamol can kill you - I’m sorry to be so blunt about it but it’s true. The codeine addiction you can and should get specialist help for but you are regularly overdosing on paracetamol. The difference between the therapeutic dose and one that can kill you is small. Really, really small.
You’ve said you’re taking 6 tablets - that’s 3g of paracetamol. That’s skirting the amount that can kill in a oner and very much into the amount that will do you irreparable harm if you dont stop . Regularly taking more than you should can kill you and you will not realise until the damage is done. Liver damage is often silent - the liver can take an amazing amount of abuse - to a point. When it fails, it fails fast. You wont get any warning.
The symptoms you describe upthread of confusion etc are symptoms of paracetamol toxicity. You need to go to your GP amd have liver function tests done as a matter of urgency.

Again I’m sorry to be so blunt about this. But it’s the paracetamol that’s your biggest and most urgent issue.

This is controlling you. You are deluding yourself that you are in control.

Yet more excuses when you will address this.

The sad thing is you aren't at rock bottom yet and you don't want to stop.

When I move out though, I really will stop. I'm kind of glad I'm not at Rock bottom (don't really want to be on the bones of my arse!) but I do want to stop, and I will stop, when I move out

Sorry but I don't believe you. Even if you believe it yourself. This is addiction. When you move it will be 'after I've settled in' etc etc etc.

You have a serious problem op and you need to face up to that.

I'm all sorted for tomorrow, nervous but excited too. I leave work at 12 and train is 12.45 so enough time. Train station has 2 entrances, I'll be getting dropped off at 1 then need to get through barriers to other end to shops to buy lunch. Thinking of scanning ticker at 1st entrance them explaining to guards at 2nd entrance re shop and getting back through. That should be fine?

I'm not taking much but my sports bag is still quite heavy (boots etc). Train gets in at 5 and I've booked meal at restaurant onsite for 7 so that should give me plenty of time. Then its prep and an early night!

So want this job, I've been prepping like mad all day. I just need to keep my head and not panic, I'll be fine

Good luck with it!

Yes they'll be fine with you nipping through the barrier

I've made i! Trains were absolutely fine, got here fine. Final train station was huge, had a bit of trouble finding taxi rank but got there in the end. Taxi driver wasn't very chatty but receptionist was lovely. All settled in, done interview prep in train down so just having tea and relaxing now

Good luck Made.

I hope it went well, the room was lovely and taxi driver chatty. I think it went OK but looking back there's bits I could have done better, should have said this or that, forgot to say that... So it's fingers crossed. If I'm successful they'll ring if not they'll email, I should know by Friday

Didn't have much chance to see city - had holdall with me - but had a cold drink in a v.posh cafe and done shopping in train station. Trains were absolutely fine, I managed quite well.

Hi

I’ve just read your whole thread. Took me ages!

I just wanted to point out that this thread will be disappearing soon as it’s in chat. You seem to be using it almost as a diary and find it useful to refer back to your old posts, so it might be worth asking mumsnet to keep it for you

Best of luck with the interview. I really hope that you get that phone call

@HuntIdeas good point about thread disappearing, I suggest moving it over to Addiction support under Health section

@madein1995 Its an up and down, I can see things are all over the place, as has been said before, think of your liver.

As @Yarnswift says "The symptoms you describe upthread of confusion etc are symptoms of paracetamol toxicity. You need to go to your GP and have liver function tests done as a matter of urgency".

Liver failure is a very painful death, Ive lost 2 friends, a PP has lost friends as well. You might be someone on the other side of a screen (phone / tablet / laptop whatever) but dont want to see another friend lost to this.

I urge you to see professional help, probably starting with GP as a basic explaining you need a liver function test (its a blood test), put the other things on a couple of bullet points and hand it to them. You need to share this in real life with someone who can help you. The GP will be able to.

If you get the job in the new area, esp as its a city the first things I would encourage would be register with GP, until your notes are transferred have the GP do a cover note sent to new GP explaining and go to NA, there will be groups in cities, the GP will be able to start you on codeine only and make sure paracetamol hasnt killed your liver completely at this point.

Make your plan for the future, its a future that doesnt include paracetamol as a general pain killer as it will have had a hit over time on liver and other organs.

With the help and support of the current GP and a prescription for codeine for youself to keep your constant cravings under control and slowly over time to reduce when you have support in place to help.

The relationship with your parents sounds toxic to say the least, you have been blamed for your mum been ill, did you cause her illness or could it be chemical imbalances in the brain? No you didnt. The treatment of silence and friendliness is difficult where you never know where you are at, so literally on egg shells all the time.

Their car broke down, its not up to you to hire a car at £200 a week when your dad was meant to get it fixed and hadn't so.

She says you "waste money" so it wouldnt matter about going to interview, deffo not a reason to cancel interview and Im glad you didnt, it shows they arent happy about you moving out and asserting independence for yourself and charging you rent and petrol.

I really hope you get that phone call offering you the job tomorrow and that your escape route from there is opening up. That will help,

However you also do need to get professional help at this point as well, Im guessing you are a small town girl, as I am. You could be near the point of liver failure and collapse, the local GP having some idea of what way things are would help as will also make things safer for you and signpost for help, not sorry for repeating myself.