Hi there @madein1995
I've just come across this and have read through everything.
It's clear from reading your posts that you are articulate, bright, ambitious, social and positive.
Please let me be honest and take it as coming from a place a love, because it is.
Do you realise that you have been putting yourself through part withdrawals repeatedly without actually getting away from the addiction for at least two months now?
Meanwhile things are getting worse. You are getting more and more exhausted and there is drama with your family.
Some people with some addictions can stop cold turkey. However it needs to be safe depending on the addiction and amounts. It is clear, because you keep going back to them in an uncontrolled way, that this is not going to work for you. This is not a problem, most people don't manage with cold turkey either at the time or long term.
You have to really want to and be informed in advance about what to expect, how to deal with it, how long it will last and then make sure you don't fall into the pattern again.
Honestly, from the way you are struggling with things re the codeine, wanting to take it, thinking about it all the time, justifying why its better to take it and so, I don't think you have gotten to the stage where you really completely want to stop.
You have done the first very important thing. You have accepted that you have an addiction problem. This is a hugely positive thing. If you can do that, you can go for the next step.
You have to choose to want to stop.
You're putting yourself through hell, on repeat. Just try to make the connection in your mind. It is the drugs that are doing this to you. They are not making it better, they are doing it.
You are posting here regularly, chatting, sharing and you are eloquent, sweet, thanking people and checking in on other people and you are clearly happy chatting about good things that have happened in your day as well as letting out your frustrations when you feel bad. Welcome to a very weak version of therapy, with a whole lot of unqualified people who care.
Are you feeling that this talking and the ongoing responses and conversation with all these people here who care and are listening is helpful, like a place where you can express yourself safely? Again, that is what therapy will give you. However, in addition to the love and friendship you have here, which you should absolutely keep for as long as you want, a qualified therapist will be able to help you in a much deeper way. Therapists recognise behaviours and reasons for them because they are trained and have seen them all before. Whilst you feel alone, they will see all you are dealing with as completely normal and because of that, they will give you a safe place and be able to gently guide you through your conversations and ups and downs in a way that takes you forward. Therapy has been mentioned by many people here and for good reason, it's a safe place, it is a journey, it is incredibly healing and professionals will be able to help you with all the things you are dealing with. If there is something you don't want to talk about, like family, you don't have to. No one will make you talk about anything you don't want to. It is a safe place for you to talk about how you are feeling.
Please take the step and try this. Remember, you have admitted there is a problem and you are honest about your behaviours. You are way ahead already and can do this! It's time for the next step.
NA are massively qualified and highly recommended if you really don't want to go to your GP, plus completely confidential if this is a reason you find nothing you.
I would strongly urge you to go to your GP and tell the truth. Your GP can only help you if you tell the truth, they won't judge you, they will help and support you. It is completely confidential. They may refer you for counselling, they may refer you to a specialist and they may work with you on a tapering (reducing) method of getting these drugs out of your system. They will also be able to tell you what to expect, for how long, they are there for support and to check in with so you don't get lost or if you struggle they can help you along.
Do not waste your time thinking about ordering them online. It's illegal, the vast majority of the websites are scams, it will just lead to you binging on them because they won't be controlled, the prices are obscene, you most likely won't receive anything and even if you do, god knows what it actually is, then of course do you want things in your family to start up being a nightmare again. Please just put this out of your mind as an option. Also I agree, if your Mam has these meds, you need to find a way to not have access to them because they clearly play on your mind and you keep going back to them. They need to be locked away from you and you put in your head that they do not exist, or they need to be stored somewhere else and for her to have a system where she can access them but you can't. Otherwise you will keep going back. You can have your own prescription managed with a doctor, so that you aren't feeling terrible but aren't taking dangerous amounts, tapering slowly in a comfortable way. Think about it this way, do you want to control the drug, or does the drug control you? At the moment, it sounds as if the drug is really controlling you and all aspects of your life, that's addiction and it's so destructive, difficult and exhausting. You can take back that control with one simple decision to take the next step and go to a doctor. Take your control back.
So you know where I'm coming from - I've actually name changed here just to show that this can be a private topic that doesn't need to be shared or stay with you. I had cancer about ten years ago, I was very young, it was a hideous nightmare, traumatic and awful, long story short. For about a year I was described and had to take quite high doses of a very addictive sedative and sleeping pills. Physical addiction was unavoidable and not a concern of my doctors, it was a case of just get to later and we'll fix it later. Once I could get up and move a little, as well as all the million other things I was just trying to heal tiny bits and a time, I stopped the sleeping pills completely and made a rule that I would never touch another one again. I haven't.
Now, I still had the sedative medication, that softened any withdrawal from sleeping pills. Plus I had felt like utter unspeakable hideous for so long that if I did feel any different for stopping them, I didn't notice. I also stopped these at a time when I was filling my time with other things and being as healthy as I could.
I then made the rule that the sedatives (for all sorts of panic and anxiety) were once a day before sleeping to sleep without nightmares and panic attacks or just no sleep, and they were for this only. Anything that came my way during the day, that was for me to gently deal with. Same dose, no binging, no increasing because I was fed up, no.
I then started reducing little by little. I didn't have my doctors chasing me to do this, as I was choosing to do it and I always told the truth. I eventually, after about two years of reducing, then a tiny bit back up, then reducing again, always having to go back to my doctor when I wanted to stay away, got sick of feeling like the medication controlled me. So when a prescription ran out, I thought, I'll just see how I get on with this. I spoke to people about withdrawals, how long they would last, what was normal, plus made sure it wasn't dangerous to just stop. It was pretty damn uncomfortable yes, but there are worse things. After a week which felt like a long time as I was going through it, I woke up and though, oh I know its 2am because every night I wake with lucid dreams at 2am. It was 9am. I had done it:)
One week girl, one week. And like that I was free.
The important thing to see here is that I really wanted to, I made the choice to want to and I had prepared by tapering and having careful rules about not abusing the meds. I also had doctors who I could call and who were safely giving me a prescription, so there was no added worry of what if they don't and there was support and understanding.
This is the situation you can create for yourself. See your GP so you bring in a doctor and managed medications as I did, get that control in tapering in a safe way, make it comfortable and positive for yourself.
You need to make that choice though to really want to.
I am so proud of myself for this and so glad I did it, you have no idea. I hope soon you will have an idea of the feeling.
Please make the choice to want to and please take that first little next step and make that first appointment.
Much love