Codeine addiction

[madein1995]

Hi

I'm new here so please be gentle. I'm posting here for traffic, and just want to know about others experiences of codeine/co codamol and how they've overcome it.

I never really used it a few years ago. Mum had it (prescribed) and I'd take a tablet or two when in pain (dislocations etc). When I came home from uni I was unemployed and really down/depressed for about 5 months, and I started taking it heavily then.

Since then, I've used in stages and in different levels. I've gone through periods of using it every day, during the day, only using it at night, and of course withdrawing when the prescription ran out. It sounds daft, but the feeling it gives me is incredible. Providing I know my limit and don't take too many tablets that I feel rough the next day, I'm fine. I'm more positive, cheerful, happy, and I sleep better. I honestly feel sometimes there's no downsides. I function perfectly normal and noone in real life would guess. Mother doesn't notice her prescription going missing as she never uses it (ironically as she doesn't want to get addicted).

I'm not stupid though. I know it must be doing me some harm though. When I withdraw my body aches, I have diarrhea, I have restless legs, I have worse sleep and I suspect that physically at least I am dependant on it.

I can't admit it to anyone in real life. I hate withdrawal. I feel so on edge and down all the time, and part of me can't wait til next Wednesday for mum's prescription to come in, to have more. At the same time I'm going through withdrawal and I'm thinking what is the point in going through this only to have to go through it again, in the future. I want to join the police in the future and know that my cocodamol use will need to stop for this.

The fact that I feel so down without it scares me. I feel really depressed, and I don't know if it's a result of withdrawal or just not medicating. It's not right. I was a lot happier three years ago, and I have been through some stuff since then (not dramatic, unemployment, being assaulted, unemployment, bad family relationships). But surely I should be able to move on from that? I can't let on to anyone that I'm hurting inside, and I should be able to move on from that. I can't afford therapy.

Basically, I'm very confused, a bit scared and a lot fed up of going through withdrawal all over again. I would appreciate support if anyone has been through the same thing.

Hi guys sorry for the radio silence and sorry to those of you who've messaged me and I've not got back to. I do appreciate it but things are still quite busy and as pathetic as it sounds I've being doing ostrich impressing. Sticking my fingers in my ears, going 'la la la' and refusing to think about things

So after my blip I didn't throw the ones in work out, and have been taking them each night. Daft really, as I'm just denying the inevitable. The devil on my shoulder is telling me I've made a fuss over nothing, it's not a problem, everyone's overreacting ... but I know that isn't true deep down. Things with parents are fine now - at least on the surface - and I think my initial panic has died down. Regardless I'm going to need to stop tomorrow night. Rather than attempting to taper off this week I've been taking as normal so after tonight I'll have none left. Thanks for your suggestions of buscopan/loperazine (sp?) - may be needing them.

This isn't even a positive 'this can't go on' situation like the week before last, where I knew it'd be tough but worth it. Now it really feels like I've got no other choice and it sucks.

I'm going to have to go it cold turkey though. I've been messing around and it's got to a point now where I have to stop. Going to the dr/other agencies to get methadone etc isn't an option. I would never judge anyone else for doing it that way I truly wouldn't - but I would judge myself if that makes sense. It's my brain trying to make out I'm not like 'them' (although who 'them' is I don't know, it's irrational and hope I don't offend anyone), that I'm ok, that I can control it.

I've not got any chance in whether or not I want to change it anyway, I've got to. There's no way of me getting more. Obviously mam is on high alert. I'm not confident dad wouldn't open any parcels coming to the house. I can't buy otc as they're too weak and the paracetamol too high. So I'm going to have to get off them. I kind of feel weird/numb/not sure how to feel and though I'm going to burst into tears.

It doesn't help that it's been brushed under the carpet. I don't feel able to tell my parents how I really feel. Especially not as mam brushed my feeling down as 'being normal' 'maybe it's your pcos' and it'll get 'better now I've got a new job'. I caused them hurt and don't want to bring things back up.

Work is going ok though I'll be working on PIP and find some of my colleagues (and the trainers) attitudes towards claimants horrible. There's another person who feels the same about it but we are definitely in the minority and hearing the views makes me sad inside. It's worse that the trainer is joining in and even laughing about claimants. I want to help people and don't think I'll be doing that much in this job, though I'm trying not to be negative.

I've had emails off indeed about two domestic abuse based jobs in my jobs. If they were anything else I wouldn't go for it based on the fact I've just started a new jobs, but jobs like that are rare as hen's teeth. Working in that sector is my dream too, so I'd be stupid not to go for it. One is local and not great pay, the other is further away but a higher role and better paid, if I got it I'd be able (and need!) to move out. Not putting my hopes up at the minute

Sorry for the self pity, and sorry for ignoring you guys

I'm not surprised you weren't able to throw them out. In active addiction, very few of us could.
I wonder though if your inability - powerlessness as they would say to you in NA - to stop taking them whilst there were some around has gone any way towards convincing you that you might be an addict and that just like any other addict you are not in control of your substance use?

Getting clean - which is likely to be a pretty painful next few days for you - is the first part and recovering from the mental devastation that the addiction has caused - denial, lying, living out values that I did not hold was basically how I came to see it and the angst at the difference - is the harder second part and I found I could not stay sober - the first bit - without doing the work on the second bit.

I have never met anyone who could do the second bit by themselves. I hope you'll seek help from somewhere whether through NHS addiction services, which you may be able to self refer to, or 3rd sector ones such as NA, Smart recovery, etc. I honestly think you are more likely to stay clean that way. Are you a churchgoer? That's another source of help available to you especially this morning.
Keep talking here in the meantime OP - you have a support group and cheerleaders here no matter what.

I need shouting at, telling off, anything to make me ignore the devil on my shoulder tempting me atm. I was looking for my comb earlier in Mams bag (we share stuff) and found packets of Co codamol, it must be where she's putting them. I do want to take one, I'm not, but i really want to and have to keep snapping myself out of it. I don't know if she'd notice, but if she did it might just be the last straw for her. But then again she might not notice. I'm conflicted, I know i shouldn't, just to be on the Safe side, but how I know it's there I'm desperate

Go tell your mum how you feel at finding them!

Play it through to the end - so you take some, then what? You need more... you get found out... then?? I always struggled to do this but some people learned quicker than me!! It works better for me now - what has always helped is to say well, I'm not going to drink/drug in your case today but if I still feel this bad tomorrow then I can then. By tomorrow, the danger is past. Or the same trick works again.
Or ask you mum to move them. Probably the best way to stop it messing with your head.

The danger's passed now. Thinking about it her handbag's been left in the car the last few days but she came off nights this morning so maybe she forgot. Earlier we argued - I'd borrowed (well took, but it's been fine in the past) her hairbrush and left it in work (or at least I hope it is or I'll have lost it and that'll mean more shouting), and she said I'm a thief as well as a druggie. I really don't think she meant it, was just tired and irritable but it's clear she hasn't forgotten what's gone on.

Playing it through til the end is a good idea. I'd take the tablets and feel great tonight and first thing in the morning. But then I'd get an angry text off mam in work, or she'd find out when she sorts her handbag for work, and it'll all kick off again. There'll be more shouting, name crying, crying, threats and upset. They might follow through on their threat to kick me out. Maybe nothing would happen if I took a strip, but I can't risk it.

I've applied for those jobs. I really really want them both but the further away one especially. They're almost my dream jobs, and if I got the better paid one I could move out. Only thing is they want you to drive - I don't - but happy to use public transport and I'm planning on getting my licence anyway

Ohh it's started. the restless legs are here, and they're really uncomfortable. hope things don't get much dinner

Fuck, I've messed up yet again. I wouldn't blame anyone if they didn't want to reply on this thread any more, I'm pathetic.

It started well. I had a good nights sleep despite things, and threw out the tablets I had in work. Things were frought between me and mam - works making her tetchy and she's making snide comments about not trusting me with ibuprofen and 'she won't forget' but I went on anyway. Had a great time in gym, and stuck to diet.

Then I washed and dried my hair. Hunted in a bag I've not used for a while for a hair clip. Found it and 5 Co codamol I had left. I should have admitted it, given them to dad, binned them but no I put the strip in my bra and have taken them. It feels good taking them, but I'm so weak, I'm pathetic, I'm no good to anyone.

How the hell am I supposed to manage? Without them I feel so down and its hard to keep up by smiley brave face. I'm so happy go lucky in rl I doubt anyone would know how I feel inside. I just don't know what to do. I know what I should do - drs - but I can't. Why can't I be happy with what I have got? Why do I have such a low opinion of myself, why am i do self conscious? Co codamol helps me to keep the face on but without them I'm going to struggle

made I really think you need outside help. It’s so difficult to kick an addiction like this on your own. I said before I’m weaning off proscribed codiene. I’m finding that hard enough with the physical withdrawal but it doesn’t get me high in the same way. Please consider talking to your GP or an addiction service to help you deal with these temptation. What dose are the co-codamol you’re takin?

I'm going through withdrawal again. It won't be pleasant and I'm not looking forward to it, at the same time I've not got a choice and maybe stopping is for the best. Not sleeping too badly, going to the loo more regularly, but at least the legs haven't started up yet

I'm suffering a bit now. Mainly restless legs which I hate as they're all consuming - it's all you can think about. Rubbing my legs would help but I can't very well do that in work. Bit of a low mood which i know is a symptom, but still feeling down. No point wallowing though

Sorry faith forgot to answer! I was on 30/500g , 8 per night.

I'm feeling a bit better now after some food. Crap sleep last night can't have helped. The aches in my legs have gone so that's something. I still don't feel great but ill get through it, I have before

I don't know if anyone's out there listening to my rambling (and don't blame you if you're not) but if you are, I'd really appreciate some hand holding. I'm.staying strong and putting on a brave face, but it's tough and i feel so alone. My anxiety is through the roof - keep over thinking things and paranoid about everything i say/do - thinking people are judging me etc. I know it's irrational and a side effect, but it's hard

The physical is difficult. I'm so tired and its exhausting doing anything, especially work which is boring at the best of times but I'm literally counting down the minutes to leave so I can let my guard down. I want to be cheerful and make a good impression on my work mates, so I'm trying to be OK. My head is splitting, though going to the toilet all the time seems to be stopping now. I've got a sore throat and have been dry heaving which is a new symptom compared to other times.

I'd just really appreciate a hand hold, a bit of reassurance, sorry to be so needy

Hi Made
I've been following your journey and think you've been so brave and done do well. Just hang in there. The withdrawal will soon be over. The low feelings you have will probably be due to withdrawal anyway. The only way is up now. Try to sleep and get through the next few days. You've done so well so far.

For what it's worth I have been following your thread

Stay strong, love. You have everything to live for. x

You need to taper its normal to go into withdrawal
It's pants
I have chosen to come off various opiates or synthetic opiates and withdrawal is vile
Well done to admitting the problem
Diazepam can help you with the symptoms whilst you taper

((((hugs)))) hugs hunnie, Im still cheerleading for you that you will get thru this all and if you want to chat, my pm is open for you.

Im only catching up on this thread now as ive been in hospital for the past 10 days and was unable to go online so only catching up with things now

Also recommend the loperamide

I'm here too! Love and support being sent your way xxx

Please be kind to yourself and don't let your parents abuse destroy you. Yes you've been unwise and it was wrong to take your mothers unused pills but you hardly went around killing kittens for fun. If I knew you (and I've had many encounters with addicts/addiction in my life) I'd want to hug you and support you, not hurt you more through cruelty. You may have made some big mistakes but you've not been horrible to anyone but yourself. Be strong and try your very best to save yourself.

I would say you need to go to CBT therapy if you are depressed and go to your gp and get referred by a psychiatrist. In the mean time, exercise makes you feel happier. Also happiness is fairly elusive, it's a changing post. It's hard getting yourself out of a funk, but codeine isn't a walk in the park. Your mental health will have consequecnes..... It would be nice if there is a pill that makes life great with out consequesnces, but go on mental health forums and see how hard many of these medications rae to get off of, and how horrible they are to take. Brain zaps, weeks of thrush, and they are no guarentee of a rosier life. I wish they were. Turns out the drugs don't work- and there's a reason people go to medical school to learn how to prescribe them. Ya gotta be sensible and look after yourself.

I've been away for a couple of days w no Internet, sorry OP. I am absolutely not going to beat you up. That beast is called addiction and the only way to make it go away is clean time - because cravings attenuate - and some sort of psychological help. I think you need a human being to trust. Your GP would be a good start but most areas have an addiction service you can self refer into and you can refuse for your details to be sent to your GP. - though it's inadvisable, as what if you need an operation in 5 years time and nobody knows not to give you codeine to go home with etc. But what you need is your head out of this madness so that your mental health stands at least a chance of recovery. Another option is NA - no referrals anywhere and you can give any name you like - if there's nothing local you could do worse than spend the weekend travelling however far your nearest meeting is

I can hear the despair of my early days of trying to stop drinking and I think in NA you'll be surrounded by people who also get it. There is a good life for you beyond substances and the negativity your parents are at times burdening you with.

Reading all your supportive posts made me a bit emotional, thank you all so much. I feel a bit better this morning but still not 100%, although me and mam are getting on well (at the moment!) so that's one hurdle I've not got to jump. Still not getting quality sleep, feeling a bit cold-y but that's normal I guess. Without the cocodamol I'm going to be feeling low more and I'll struggle with that, I feel fine half the time but am so self conscious and got low self esteem. Therapy is an option but I'm still at the stage where I'm not letting on how bad things are - I don't want my parents to know as they're firmly In the camp of 'just stop thinking about it' , I wonder sometimes if their actions may have contributed to my low feelings of self worth. Ive just got in work so will check in later. Thanks again everyone

How are you feeling this evening

When you get the chance to do some CBT techniques you'll see how all parents without malice create thought patterns in their children. So I've no doubt they've contributed to your low self esteem - through their fixed ideas about what's best for you you've ended up with quite a negative internal dialogue.

I'm hoping that physically things are a little better? And please keep talking, here, somewhere, anywhere. Take the power out of the negativity and pain in your head. for you because you're worth it.