Boys in dresses. Yes or no?

[spidermama]

My DS (3.5) loves dresses and butterfly tops and glittery sparkley fairy type stuff. I have no objection. I even bought him a couple of dresses of his own to stop him raiding long-sufferine DD's wardrobe. My only slight worry is teasing from other kids. He wants to wear a dress to pre-school today. What do you think?

Oh sorry aloha, I was reading fast, dd about to wake! Oh I agree, at big school they will be teased for it, I thought we were talking about the 3 yo.

Ah, Blu, Germolene girl she was a sad case. parents clearly had NO idea of what was 'normal' for a girl of her age and she was v clumsy socially naturally. She needed help and guidance and didn't get it.

Indeed - any other girl whose mother insisted they wear pink smelly blobs on their face all day would have wiped it off before they reached the garden gate. Poor love. Wonder what she's doing now?

Maybe she's a MN-er!

Blu, last heard of working at a bank - and being bullied there too
And def not a MNetter.

My parents made me wear Nature Trek shoes to school when everyone else had high heels. That said, I won't be spending money on high heels to ruin my dd's feet either.
Remember though, I'm not 'making' spiderboy wear a dress. If anything I've gently attempted to dissuade him because of the sort of attitude expressed here. But he's adamant, and I love him for it.

I have to go - train to catch - off to my Mum's for the w/e, by the seaside.
But I wanted to say thank you to absolutely everyone on this thread, whether we have agreed or not, because I have enjoyed it.

BYEEEEEE!

Now, wear IS DS's bikini.....

I rather hope she is and put it all behind her. What a sad story aloha.
dinosaur, as well as Catseye there is a shocker by Hilary Mantel, An Experiment in Love.
I was bullied badly for being and sounding different at primary school but it didn't stop me or my parents sticking to how we chose to dress, speak and spend our spare time.
The people who bullied me were pathetic and ignorant, I see that now.

Fast-moving thread, that's very sad then aloha

lol Spidermama I had to wear sensible shoes to school too when it seemed like everyone else was wearing fancy high heels (looking back I know that there were loads of girls who didnt have high heels either). Now however my mum is alwys complaining about me lumbering round in sensible docs or flat shoes

One more point before I take Spiderboy down to the beach: Many of you are saying it's ok now but think of the broader picture (meaning when he's at bigger school). Well I'm looking at a broader picture still. I don't want my son believing his wishes are shameful or that he must do everything in his power to fit in with the herd. I know I don't want to look back on my life at the end and say, 'Thank God I fitted in.'

Thankyou and goodbye. Have a great weekend withyour little ones.

I made her go and she had a nice time!

there are only 7 girls in dd1s class so its not really representative

Blu "And Soupdragon, please, what is it that "makes other socially unacceptable things "wrong"" - as in 'wring'? Surprising, causing a second galnce, maybe, even challenging - but 'wrong'?"

Not sure what you mean here. I used wrong because that's what Spidermama used. Not sure where "wring" comes into it...?

The whole point is what does make other socially acceptable things "wrong"? Why is it "wrong" to walk down the highstreet naked? Why is it wrong to put your legs in the arms of your jumper and put a pair of pants on your head?

And of course no adult would tease a 3yo for wearing a dress but we're not talking about adults. Children are, on the whole, cruel creatures. They don't understand how words hurt.

Hven't read it all - but my son at 2-3 liked dressing up in fairy outfits - not really his sister's dresses though. I would have let him go out in them (he never asked to, just played in them round the house) but not to nursery - simply because I think you should wear "normal" clothes to nursery, so you can dress up when you get there. I got quite a lot of negative reaction for even letting him do that! He is now 6 and very macho - we sometimes show him the pictures and he thinks it's hilarious.

I think if your child is either going to be gay, or a transvestite/transsexual, they just are and whatever they wear or don't wear won't affect that, liking to wear girls' clothes at this age is nothing to do with that.

I'm sure Spidermama would be supportive of her son whatever his sexuality turns out to be. I think a lot of the problem with boys dressing in girls' clothes is this perception it will make them gay, or whatever. If it's nothing to do with that, then the only problem is the teasing - and to be honest, I would dissuade a 3.5 year old for this reason, however "relaxed" everyone around you appears to be. I know my eldest son was teased for being "gay" when he was a bit older because he doesn't like football and is quite quiet and bookish. However, I would say it was completely your decision and that if your son is insistent, more harm may be done by insisting he wears boys' clothes.

Good post Littleshebear. Lonleymum also talks of the difficulty faced by her ds due to lack of football interest. There are plenty of boys out there who don't like it and it may take slightly longer to find them, but it'll be worth it. The alternative is to pretend to like football for easy access to a larger group of friends. I think quality is more important than quantity when it comes to friendships. It really does take all sorts, and how dull life would be if all little boys really did like football.

My brother didn't like football, eventually he found a group of friends with whom he did fit in and now he is a 23 year old goth who has never really grown up! I kind of blame my parents too, because they never tried to rein him in - they believed he shouldn't have to conform and let him have the freedom to do as he pleased. All very well if he was well adjusted and happy, but he is neither.

I'm not saying that all little boys should conform to the stereotypes. I don't personally have a problem with boys who want to wear dresses. But they do look to adults for socialization. Trying to ignore conformity at such a young age isn't really the best idea IMO. Where do you draw the line? A three year old told he can wear girls clothes if he wants might well demand to go in his pants next! Society works through conformity to a cetain extent, and children need to learn the rules before they can try bending them.

A three year old is too young to make reasoned decisions, not being mature enough to understand the full consequences of their actions. I fully believe three year olds can tease, and it could be the start of a long term thing. If he wants to wear clothes at home that is fine, but I would tell my ds that boys do not wear dresses to nursery.

haven't read all the thread - when my brother was 2 or 3, we older sisters used to love dressing him up in a frilly nightie and putting his lovely golden ringlets up in bunches - and he loved it too! This had no 'feminizing' effect whatsoever on him.

I doubt if Spiderboy will be bullied by 3 year olds. But once he gets to primary school... The amount of ganginess that goes on with some boys in my DSs reception class horrifies me. If you don't do the right thing or have the right toys then you are somehow less of a person in the other boys' eyes. I have spent hours telling my DS that it's what he thinks that's important, not what the other boys think. Peer pressure suddenly becomes unbearable when kids get to school. Spiderboy sounds like a very well balanced child who cans tand up for himself, and honestly Spidermama I woudl carry on doing just what you are doing and instilling him with the confidence to see himself as an individual.

My DS has always been very sociable and had a lot of friends but since starting primary it's the first time he's ever encountered kids who might want to exclude him from their gang. It's not a majr problem but when it does happen he does get very upset and I feel like slapping the other kids on his behalf! I don't know what i could have done to instil more confidence in himself when he was younger, he never showed any inkling to dress in pink or be a girl (quite the opposite) but he has a friend who is very keen on pink and dresing up. His mum is very right-on but she gets exasperated by it, I can't really see why myself, the child seems happy enough!

I too have a 5 year old, Wordsmith. Pressure to fit in comes to bear at school and he ditched the frocks a year or so ago. He's very keen to fit in with his clothes and is quite conventional in many ways, but insists on growing his hair really long (almost shoulder length now) no matter what anyone says. There are just 3 or 4 other boys with long hair at the school and I think they look fab.

LOL - my mother always tells the story of my brother (now 31) refusing to go to preschool at the tender age of 4, unless he could wear one of my dresses. Mum said 'fine', and packed him off wearing a dress. As far as any of us know, he didn't get teased at all, and is now the blokeist bloke you're every likely to meet. We love teasing him about it now though (that, and the fact that he used to call himself 'Daisy', as he couldn't say his real name, which is David!!).

Let him wear a dress, I say!

IMO, I think this issue boils down to parenting, above and beyond the issue of clothing. ultimately, when we all decided to have our children, we undertook the responsibility to keep them fed/watered/cared for/cleaned/loved/protected. In this case, the issue is a child being seen in public as different. Now whether you conform to the 'norm' or not, we all know, as intelligent adult humans, the reactions of children and other less tolerant people. Rightly or wrongly, we do HAVE to protect our kids against things that in our ideal world, shouldn't be there in the first place (like a preconception that boys shouldn't wear skirts). For example, no-one would want to have paedophiles or rapists in an ideal world, but we still have to act accordingly and acknowledge that the world we live in contains these people, and we must not put ourselves at risk.

I totally agree though, with the point of boys being able to do 'girl' things - I have a 2.5 yr old DS, who is allowed to do make up and put my shoes on, but wouldn't dream of letting him out in a dress, regardless of how i feel about it. Part of my job as his mother is to ensure that he is not open to ridicule in a situation where I basically know better than he does. He does not know that other kids are going to tease him, because he is enjoying doing it. Kids are not developed enough at this age to imagine what other kids are going to think, or how they are going to react. That is a parent's job. I would no more let him go to school in a dress, than I would let him play near train tracks because he likes trains.

Whew!

Spidermama, I only read the first two thirds of this thread, so apologies etc etc but if your ds wants to wear a dress then good on him. He clearly knows that there is a risk he'll be teased and if that happens he can revert to trousers but with your support and love he'll hopefully have the confidence and belief in himself to make his own decision and be happier for it. I would rather try my very best to teach my children to be happy in who they are than encourage them to remain bland and conformist in case of teasing or bullying (but then this is coming from someone who is considering dying her hair Jane Goldman red....)

my ds3 loves his sparkly 'clippety cloppety'shoes. Boys shoes and clothes are so boring. If you put a pile of dressing up clothes out see what they go for. black trousers and a tshirt or sparkly fluffy stuff?

Read most of this thread, and I have to say that while I agree if he wants to wear it at 3 he will probably have no problems, my friend let her son wear dresses from age 3 until age 6, and now wishes she hadn't. She let him wear them in public, and even though he didn't wear them to school, he told his friends about it. Now at age 10, some of his classmates still tease him about being the weird boy in a bunny dress. She and I worked together, and when I visited some other friends from that old job the last time, one of the first things they talked about when we mentioned my friend was does her son still wear a dress in kind of a jokey but mean way.

They're fairly dull dressing up clothes if all you've got for boys to chose are black trousers & a T shirt DSs an be TMNTurtles, kings, noghts, spiderman, dragons, batman and anything they want to be by varying the assortment of cloaks etc.