Help. No clothes for funeral

[Lieandcheerios]

Im short and fat so usually just hide in leggings and loose shirts. Usually avoid any occasion which involves dressing up but I really have to atttend a funeral soon.

I have a black skirt and black shoes but need a loose white shirt and preferably a smartish coat too (only possess waterproof and Parker coat)

Please help with some suggestions. I’m only 5 foot 1 and 80kg so everything looks horrendous on me. So I just need something which will fit and help me blend into the background.

Sorry, but I hate the tunic and leggings look - it's frumpy and middle-aged in the worst way (and I say this as someone who's middle-aged). To me it just says, "My legs aren't good enough for leggings, nor are they good enough for a tunic with tights, so I'm going to throw them both on and hope it renders me invisible." Even worse if the leggings are navy blue.

There are plenty of flattering skirts or trousers you can wear without resorting to the devil's clothing combo. Even smart dark jeans with a nice top would be better than a bloody tunic with leggings.

I’m not holding out much hope but it’s worth a try

I don't see anything wrong with a plain white shirt.

I feel the same as this poster, I think you do really need to work on how you speak to yourself. You'd never speak to someone else like this. Please be kinder to yourself 💗
Very sorry for your loss. I went to a funeral a couple of weeks ago, im a size 16 and I wore a black dress from tesco, black tights and black boots. Black coat from monsoon. The invite stipulated smart dress so I just went all black as it was easier.

I don’t even have one of those 😭

At the last funeral I attended, six months ago, I was the only person wearing black 🤷‍♀️. On the other hand, my father would probably be lining up his own funeral next at the very idea of wearing anything other than black to a funeral! 🤯

It probably depends a bit on the age and personality of the deceased, but I also find it helpful when the invitation stipulates ‘no black’ for example. One funeral I attended said only that the theme was flowers, and it was made clear to everyone that they were expected to wear something flowery, old and young, men and women.

I always think a navy, very dark green or plum in a simple style is a good idea as it meets the sombre, respectful tone but is a bit gentler and less grim.

Actually it’s older people at older people’s funerals I’ve notice not wearing as much black.
as if they are aware that getting to a good age ans dying is very sad but somehow not as outright awful and untimely as losing someone younger.
I noted this at both my parents’ and in-laws’ funerals. People were sombre and smartly dressed, but not head-to-toe black.
I have lost quite a lot of people and even when I feel wretchedly sad, it is interesting to note the clothes.

As long as you turn up thats thd main thing but if you are short of cash use a charity shop ,lots of people use them all thd time, I often go in with mens clothes and a brick a bracket...try and see.

You've had plenty of clothes suggestions so I won't add to that but just wanted to say- the way you refer to yourself is really upsetting, OP. You say you have no friends, why is that?

I suspect your body image is very little to do with how you actually look and more to do with your self-esteem issues. 80kg at your height isn't even particularly large (not that it would be okay to talk about yourself like that at any size!)- your opinion of yourself is warped.

Intentionally not going to things because you don't want people to see you is so sad. Life is short (as this funeral demonstrates) and we only get one, it's for living not hiding away.

I think what your normally would wear and a black longline blazer and black or muted tones scarf would be fine.

If it is outside then you can pop on your normal coat and hide some of it with a scarf.

My mum wore black jeans and a jumper to her own mums funeral. I don’t think I could tell you what anyone else was wearing. I just remember my mum saying ‘she wouldn’t have wanted me to be uncomfortable’

Not sure on your dress size but what about something like this

https://joanieclothing.com/meryl-tie-neck-dobby-midi-dress-black.html?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22733279418&gbraid=0AAAAACq8HUs7xzN70DzbzJihhHSngWLeL&gclid=CjwKCAiAoNbIBhB5EiwAZFbYGJ16UHoSJLK0w8foxrFLzEJearJNpG1LeQtf9YxXZMNJPuGRP21CIhoCjpsQAvD_BwE#136=37

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0FYLKWVNX?ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_fed_asin_title&th=1&psc=1

With black tights & ankle boots, it's a very forgiving dress. It's not overly warm so you will need a coat, but you wouldn't need a jacket to sit inside with it.
It's cheap and cheerful and free returns if you hate it.

Also please don't wear a white top.

And lastly, be kind to yourself ffs. You are wonderful the way you are and you really shouldn't talk yourself down.

If you really can't be without leggings, you could go for flared leggings with a black top.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/SINOPHANT-Leggings-Waisted-Pockets-Bootcut/dp/B0CXSM7LJB/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?adgrpid=160433782066&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.n56_0Us181yVlW4DBMpUQiVIfo0RrKTc2WB0D1xhTR1ocsvzYbvheHsQZpbL8BqA2vK8TPsku11teQ4HSbBD8pLlbiCOHo25HtxSHtilfP5iICbWe0v4tciLw7B8cDIbGvwatPW8vNO7EvLqAxyW_91LECpa0GtMp_7BZLAaytOiWPHilP8KXBoMisMCVpaOPnh8Pt0FugX6-H8onHvuDm1a1SrwUYBdf6fhWpik--9qEV6ijMRvIhBynx0S0QtqeXPo7o-6Cgdg7LOAO9EhB_ImRh20meagisvH2RjNKTQ.roSEAngha5_ZMhoQLHT6ehsLK2AL4MEFxWSXL8DUMFs&dib_tag=se&gad_source=1&hvadid=772350338058&hvdev=c&hvexpln=69&hvlocphy=9045741&hvnetw=g&hvocijid=7913075735032089608--&hvqmt=b&hvrand=7913075735032089608&hvtargid=kwd-2450293426468&hydadcr=22585_2357089&keywords=amazon%2Bleggings%2Bflared&mcid=758393c1e17232c5b85ab3887f26d836&qid=1763040761&sr=8-1-spons&aref=QGXQ8Kwgsw&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9hdGY&th=1&psc=1

I haven’t said this IRL because I don’t want to make it all about me but it would have been better if I had died rather than him. My life is pointless whereas he had a happy life with a family and grandchildren and loads of friends.

Could this be the catalyst you need to make some changes in your life so you do feel like it's worth living, maybe?

Take yourself to the GP and get referred for some CBT to start with maybe? Make a vow to go outside every day for a few minutes walk? Make a new year's resolution to contact someone you've lost touch with or join a club?

One of the things I wonder if it might be helpful to do, as a starting point, is stop saying things that remove your value. You can go "gosh I have just been really horrible to myself. I have value and I deserve happiness". You don't have to believe it, it can be helpful just to say it.

Please speak to your gp
You are not worthless.

Do you know what sort of funeral it will be and if the spouse/immediate family have a preference on style?

For years now funerals have been sober/smart rather than uniformly black and increasingly the style has been to less black and more colours. For DH’s funeral I said “any colours welcome” rather than “no black” as he wouldn’t have wanted all black but I didn’t want to force colours on those who preferred black for funerals.

I was profoundly appreciative of the numbers who came and remember every person but honestly - I could not tell you one stitch of clothing worn by anyone who came.
Try not to over stress on the outfit, its being there which makes a difference (even if you don’t believe it you will be appreciated).

My heart is aching for you, for the bereavement of course but also for the way you talk about yourself…I’ve so been there. You are hardly a mountain at 12 and a half stone but even if you were, my dear heart, please please believe you have value. Please be brave once the funeral is out of the way. go to a GP. You don’t even have to talk, just show them your messages on this thread and it will be clear that you will benefit from support. Big ❤️

Thank you so much for all the kind messages on this thread. I am really moved ❤️

https://tuclothing.sainsburys.co.uk/product/tuc147155496?gclsrc=aw.ds&cmpid=cpc&src=Google&med=Shopping&utm_source=Google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=20331211902&utm_term=tuc147155496&utm_content=shopping&utm_custom1=&utm_custom2=825-875-8916&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=20331213789&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI2tLbsOHvkAMV5Pp5BB2E3CuXEAQYBSABEgJsGPD_BwE

This is £20 and goes up to a 24

And @BrendaSmall .

Not where I am. (unless requested by the deceased family).

Everyone very smart, men dark suits, black tie, black or white shirt. Women in black dresses and coats. Some in black hats.

I would hate to be the only person not appropriately dressed, It is a sign of respect and mourning.

I got a really good principals petite coat from vinted for £20. I decided against black and went for a lightish grey and have used it several times for smart events

Oh @Lieandcheerios, you would never think of someone else in the way you think of yourself. Try to apply some kindness to yourself, you are 80kg, not 800kg. Roughly what size are you in clothes?

I want you to try and think what your best feature is? What colouring you have? And what can you do to make yourself feel better?
I am currently dieting but even at my heaviest I tried to have a good skincare routine, regular cut and colours at the hairdresser, ensure my nails are clean, tidy and painted etc… it helped me.

Bless you, this is very worrying. Can you please speak to a GP? You don’t need outfit suggestions you need critical help with your mental health.

What about one of these?

https://www.yoursclothing.co.uk/yours-curve-black-textured-stripe-shirt-dress-p

https://www.curvewow.com/products/curvewow-textured-elbow-sleeve-belted-pocket-midi-dress-black

My view is darkish coat (I have a particular older fashioned classic style coat in grey that I wear) then I wear black trousers and a top that is lighter so dark purple, any shade of grey, navy if trousers navy but tend to go black, I have worn plain cotton tops from M&S and lightweight Jumpers but I like proper wool but fine - but that can get a bit warm so don't generally unless its bitter out and its going to be cemetery rather than crem. To be honest at the funeral you will have coats and scarves on in this weather and after at any wake etc its likely to be close family and friends rather than all and sundry or judgy people so doubt they will be too bothered if you wore a top that you are comfortable in etc.