I am hideous and it's making me miserable

[GoldSwan48]

Hello,

Something really awful has happened to my face - I am guessing hormones. I am 38 and I look about 20 years older. My face has sagged, I have loads of deep wrinkles in my forehead and under my eyes as well as huge eye bags. It seems to have happened in a few weeks. I eat well, drink lots of water, take a multivitamin, use retinal (can't handle tret) and ceramides and peptides, moisturiser and factor 50 every day. Everything I use is from the high street, I can't afford expensive stuff and definitely can't afford going for facial treatments or botox. Thing is, its killing my confidence. I feel like I deserve to only walk around in huge baggy jumpers and stuff because my face is too ugly to wear my nice clothes. My teeth have also yellowed which is weird, my dentist said he wasn't sure why it had happened recently (don't drink coffee, tea, smoke or drink alcohol etc). I have no glow, I look terrible.

Is there anything that has boosted you? Given your skin a glow? Helped to whiten your teeth? I have tried to get those crest whitening strips from America but can't find anywhere as they're not legal here I don't think. I feel dirty and gross, even when I am clean and fresh. I feel like giving up on myself and I don't want to be in this position. I don't understand.

I’d get your hormones checked too - is it one tooth that’s significantly yellow? Dh had a tooth root die and that is indeed what happened.

fwiw, I did find early 40s that i suddenly noticed what you’ve reported but it doesn’t bother me as much, it sounds like you’re doing all of the right things to me.

Be wary of the tooth-whitening strips. I used some and they caused awful sensitivity despite me never having had sensitive teeth. It hurt all the time. Also, although the strips did provide some whitening, my teeth reverted quicker and quicker the more top ups I did. It’s cheaper and easier to find a whitening toothpaste you get on with.

Other tips:

• get a silk pillowcase. I got a one-sided silk one from Amazon (cheaper). They help stop your face getting creased and puffy overnight.
• be very cautious about slathering on any creams at night. For me, that’s one way to wake up with an awfully puffy face and eye bags. Some people do better with moisturising during the day only.
• look at Eva Fraser’s facial exercises. They take minutes and can work surprisingly quickly if you do them every day
• concentrate on sleep - not too little, but also not too much. Again, a lie-in can mean waking up with a worse face than if I’d got up at normal time. So, find the optimum bed and get up times for you.
• if you wear make up, look at your make up removers, particularly the eye one. If they’re too oily and/or harsh, they can cause puffiness too. I developed an intolerance to one I’d used for years. Changing that and my cleansing products stopped the puffy, crinkly eyes.

I’m sure you’re not hideous at all, but it is disturbing when your face seems to change so quickly. The good news is that if it changed very quickly, you should be able to get it back to how it was before relatively quickly.

I had the same with the broken capillaries (cheeks) and nostril hair. Hated it. I did a lot of research and had professional lazer vein treatment for the capillaries for £30 (at a place I've been going to for over 5 years, so trust them immensely) and it really worked. I get my nostrils waxed at the local salon for £3 a time. I've also had facials and full face Lazer treatment for under £99. (Or you can buy nose trimmers for under £5) I did the research as it was affecting my confidence so much. Shop around if it's really bothering you too much. I've just seen dermaheal under eye treatment for under £10. There are deals to be had at reputable salons. And I feel so much better.

I wouldn't call myself "hideous" (and I am 100% sure you are not either) but I think I have recently had one of those change "moments" in my life. I am going away for Christmas and will be meeting people who I have not seen for many years, and I can already imagine how shocked they are going to be when they see me. I am rather dreading it. My undereye bags are terrible. I had tear trough fillers a few times but the last couple of times it was not done well (I have moved country so went to a new doctor) and I ended up looking worse.

I look alright in the right light (ie all the light behind me!) but about 150 years old in the wrong one! (I am 62). One thing I am doing is starting to wear glam-looking glasses to hide the eye bags, which does make me feel better. I have had some reading glasses made which are multifocal so the top part is no prescription and the lower part is +2 for reading. I think I will get some more in flattering styles/bright colours etc, which will hopefully make me feel better.

Oh, the laser thing for capillaries absolutely does work. I had that problem tretaed a couple of years ago and they completely disappeared.

The make up remover is a good point.

It took me years to find one I like and the best one I've found is Lidls own facial cleanser Cien brand. It's like a watery lotion but not too heavy on the face and washes off nicely without leaving my face too dry or oily.

I'm going through an early menopause and felt like this about my looks, HRT and loosing weight (with Mounjaro) is helping loads with my skin, my general appearance and my confidence.

I do not want to dissuade you from seeking help with your confidence, but I wanted to say that since around the same age, I have had similar experiences off and on. It's like there are periods where my face suddenly deteriorates quickly instead of it being a gradual process. From one day to the next, I look in the mirror and see someone ten years older than the day before. The first time it happened, I was completely taken aback and felt quite down about it for a while.

However, a couple of years later I've grown much more used to it and it no longer horrifies me (for the most part!). Perhaps the same will go for you?

I've started using generous slatherings of E45 cream as a moisturiser, which seems to give my skin an instant lift; I think our skin needs a lot more moisture as we get older.

I make my own face serum using hyaluronic acid powder and distilled water, both of which can be bulk bought quite cheaply and makes enough to last ages. It’s brilliant for replenishing lost moisture from skin, which I found was a sudden issue for me this year since turning 37.

I was going to suggest that you get a thorough health check @GoldSwan48 being as it's all sudden.

I don't want to sound dramatic but I would want a cancer check at one end of the scale and a check for thyroid and everything else.

I have sensitive skin and my skin is more sensitive as I have aged. So based on what you have said I would try simplifying your beauty routine temporarily. Stop using everything and use an oil cleanser (I like the Caudalie one which lasts ages and is £22) and something like Neil’s Yard rose balm for a few weeks to give your skin a rest. I know you use SPF as well as retinol (which is crucial esp as you work outdoors) but I’d personally give both a rest now it is October.

Ps I also have easily stained teeth and go to a hygienist every six months which makes me feel a lot better about them.

I am sure you look lovely though OP. You exercise every day and work outside so you’ll definitely glow. 38 probably is a bit of a transition age but to ageing old lazy me you’ll look very youthful!

I would recommend botox but since you said it's not in your budget go the cheaper route. Get some KT tapes on Amazon (Google it) and YouTube how to apply, I'm a few years older than you are and it made a huge difference for me, however it doesn't work over night, you need to be consistent. Another thing, Gua Sha and face fitness routine (again, Google, YouTube, Insta). I tried all the creams etc from cheap ones to expensive and they don't do anything. KT taping made a huge difference with time, you just need to learn to do it right.

I haven't read all the replies, sorry, but I'd get the coil removed and go on a combined mini pill.

OP ageing has done a real number on my mental health.

I also guess you are probably comparing yourself to people in the public eye who have all kinds of cosmetic work. I bet the average person wouldn't even notice these changes.

I advise coming off social media and finding new ways to feel worthwhile.

Get your hormones checked just in case.

I will say that Botox and fake tan help my mental health a bit, as much as I absolutely hate to admit it.

@GoldSwan48 This happened to me when I turned 40! I have had hair extensions added to give my hair more volume, I had botox and a small amount of filler to lift my jowls. It did cost and I don’t know your finances but my gosh it’s wonderful, I know some people don’t believe in cosmetics or aesthetics but it has changed my life!

Regarding teeth, if you use Cordosyl mouthwash stop using. My teeth went yellow suddenly, turned out the reason was Cordosyl.

Hi Op , I am sure you aren’t hideous at all. I totally resonate with how you feel though!
I am 40 and have aged horribly in the last 5 years (fuck you Covid!)
I put it down to not getting much sleep due to an ADHD child and v unsupportive partner. I also have a long commute and not much time for myself. I take ADs.
I don’t have much helpful advice apart from the usual stuff, water, healthy diet , exercise and sleep. They really really help.
Also it’s helpful for me to think, I don’t like my face so I’ll make my body as good as it can be.
If I don’t have much time to exercise I do some weights or a YouTube exercise routine..only takes 15 minutes.
I read that the oldest woman who lived put olive oil on her face each evening and I’m doing that!
I use brown mascara and eyeliner as they are less harsh, and caffeine cream for under my (knackered) eyes.

I too can’t afford Botox so have to look for cheaper alternatives. Vitamin C powder from the ordinary is good for the illusion of tightening and brightening.

I can’t afford expensive whitening treatments either but a trip to the hygienist every 6 months for a good scale and polish really makes a difference.

I hope you find something that works for you and increases your confidence x

I'm sorry you feel this way about yourself. I don't think I have ever seen anyone who is hideous. I also don't think people pay that much attention to others around them because they are too busy with their own insecurities.

I follow a woman on Instagram called Erica Taylor, she is American but does a lot of drug store skincare and shows us tips and tricks on how to place make-up as our face changes with age. It doesn't need to be expensive make-up.

You don't need expensive skincare - there is a brand called The Ordinary and they do good skincare and it's very affordable as is The Inkey List. Boots sell both or you can go online.

I will probably get flamed for my next thing though, and I am not saying it's right, but I brush my teeth once a week with bicarbonate of soda and mix it with water to make a paste to brighten my teeth because I can't afford expensive whitening treatments.

You absolutely deserve to wear nice clothes, something that makes you feel good.

OP. You are ageing, not ugly. Please try to speak more kindly to yourself. My practical contribution here is that you CAN get crest strips, the proper US ones that work, via Amazon dot com. I had some delivered just this week. Don't bother with any of those UK sites, it costs the same or more and they are not the ones that work despite what they say. Apols if this has been covered already, not RTWT... You are a worthy and lovely human. 💐

I agree with this post whole-heartedly. In fact, if I have one regret in my life it's that I spent so much time faffing about micro-issues in my appearance which were mainly all in my head anyway, but blighted much of my teens and twenties.

Fix what you can, have a wardrobe reset, and then let it go. Nothing is to be gained by angsting over your appearance endlessly. The odd pang, yes, but not to dominate the rest of your life.

I’d ask for some blood tests to rule out anything physical. It doesn’t sound like a mental health problem to me but I am not a doctor.

It makes me feel gross, like people think I am unclean

Honestly... this sounds more like body dysmorphia than ageing.

The way you're talking about yourself is so extreme and you sound so distressed that I find it difficult to believe that other people are seeing what you see when you look in the mirror.

I think op if this is genuinely something you're only noticing over the past couple of weeks then given your healthy sounding lifestyle it's quite unlikely your appearance has changed to such a significant degree out of nowhere and either something is going on with your physical health in which case a full mot with the gp is a good idea to push for, or this is mental health related.

Depression doesn't have to affect all areas of your life and you don't need to be seriously depressed to be depressed, but it sounds like your self esteem is particularly low and the comments you make about feeling like you look dirty when you're clean sound a little like ocd or similar where you're fixating on certain things rather than seeing yourself clearly as a whole. So it's worth looking into that as well.

How much sleep do you get? I know I feel much worse in myself and look much worse when I've had a run of very poor sleep. Have you been through any particular stress/ trauma recently? Is pregnancy a possibility? I know you've got the coil but people have got caught out before and it would explain a lot of your symptoms including teeth.

I understand your feelings here. You’re describing a real, sudden physical shift. While it might not be as drastic as you perceive it to be (as we are all highly self critical), like others, I wonder about underlying causes. I hope you can get some further help or support with this - the only thing I can say here is that lots of suggestions are being made here and you could end up spending money on things that don’t work or having a scattergun approach. I’d take a medical/health-based approach first and keep talking to your doctor, and take a bit of time to work out anything else you want to spend money on.