Transformational advice needed to out-do ex's new wife

[stilllostinthecity]

I hoped that would get your attention!
Background - 15 years ago my husband had an affair and our marriage broke up with him leaving the family when our kids were aged 4 and 11. That woman is still on the scene, we have never spoken more than a few words, he co-parented reasonably over the years till the kids were older. That woman had a couple of kids with him, put on weight and I would say, aged badly (ha!).
Roll the clock forward - my elder son is getting married in December and my ex and that woman (she has no name to me!) will be coming - obviously, there will be absolutely no outward tension coming from me, it will be my son's day with his lovely new wife and it is absolutely not going to be a day of old dramas.

However - I want to look really good to sort of show him what a f**k up he made!!! I should add, that I have been in a new relationship myself for more than ten years, my new bloke, is a real silver fox, plus a lovely kind person too. He will be looking his best as I am buying him a new suit :)

I should add that I live in jeans and t shirts or sportwear (running/walking). I wear trousers and short jackets for work, I have a few dresses but if I do wear a dress I don't do ultra formal, I don't wear heels and I always really struggle to find the right shoes/ jacket to go with something.

Where do I even shop for something to wear? Can anyone suggest some links? Ideally I will be needing not just a dress but a jacket (I prefer short jackets) and shoes too - is this too much to ask of you mumsnet!? Just think of it as some revenge dressing ;)

What do you need to know?

As far as my figure and build - I am fit and active, 58 years old. Five foot five, size 14 bust, 12/14 at the bottom. Slim hips and good legs.

What don't I want?
I prefer a length that sits just above my knees, I think my legs are a stong point.
I don't have big bum or thighs, so I am not needing to cover up - or show off those, I usually go for something reasonably slim fitted round the bum.
I have a bit of tummy, but not really an issue, 10.5 stone.
Upper arms - I really prefer to cover these and it is a Dec wedding so going to be cold between church and venue. I actually prefer a long sleeve, sheer rather than frilly.
Cleavage, I am a 36/38, I prefer a scooped neck (not a dress that goes to the chin) as otherwise it seems to make my bust look huge. No collars, I am quite plain and I think they make me look old fashioned. Bust is a strong point.
Colour, I am spring colours - love blues / blue greens. Def not black / red etc
Price - not really a budget as such - up to £200-300 but great if it was cheaper!

I really like this sort of thing but the arms are out! so if I did get something like this I would prefer arms! Also I realise it is slightly longer than my preference:
https://www.next.co.uk/style/su320381/e08139#e08139

Thank you everyone xxx

Honestly mentally this is so exhausting. You know your ex Honestly won't notice what you're wearing and neither will his wife. Everyone will look amazing because its your sons wedding

Dont give him/her a single thought. You're happily married now and so is he. Enjoy your sons wedding together

Who knows? Does intent matter?

In my situation OW is factually obese, but she alreadywas when ex went off with her so nothing new, so I'd not comment on that. It is my fault that he didn't get a new suit, I said take it, you'll need it, and he has on various occasions to funerals
I have heard through others that they did comment unfavourably about me, but I know that it was not true what they said.

I thought some of you might like an update. There was some brilliant advice, and some brilliant comments that made me laugh, thank you!
It went really well. In the run up I did have a personal stylist visit at JL, but prior to that I had ordered a dress suggested here from wolf and badger. It was just what I wanted: just above the knee showing off my legs, a lovely blue that suits me, long arms, elegant. I wore it with swede navy boden boots. And a long chunky necklace I picked up off Vinted. It was very me, but smart too.

https://www.wolfandbadger.com/uk/long-sleeve-navy-wave-hem-dress/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=18057196750&utm_content=&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiAx9q6BhCDARIsACwUxu4rBo-YYvUXl9cEydXja8wJt4Aw7P3zCjSx_zlF40OmhD_Ixok1ZbAaAsQmEALw_wcB

I went with an open mind to John Lewis but everything seemed very high necked which I don't like as I am busty, or mid calf... I tried on lots and it was fun but nothing was better than the dress I had got.

I also went for a bra fitting which someone suggested and bought a lovely matching silk bra and knicker set from M and S.

Someone else suggested teeth whitening and I got some of that powder your bright smile, or some name like that. It certainly brightened my teeth and was worthwhile.

On the day the bride and bridesmaids had someone doing makeup, so I got mine done too and the hairdresser did my hair. I definitely wouldn't have done that without the mumsnet-nudge

I didn't manage the "I would drop a stone" advice! But did lose 3/4 pounds :)

The wedding was brilliant. Inevitably there were moments when we were face to face, she was polite, me too. As one of my friends pointed out, she was probably far more nervous than me as she had an affair with my husband and all my family and friends were there. As I mentioned, my ex husband didn't contribute financially to the wedding, so I was the host. So yes, she did look a bit nervous!

My silver fox looked dashing in a new suit and we had had a good talk before and he knew I was worried and really was by my side all day.

So mums net, thanks so much to those of you who so thoughtfully suggested ideas and shared links, you really really helped me find my mojo and increased my confidence on what (for any one has stood in my shoes will know) was a day of great happiness, but simultaneously of some sadness too for what happened in the past. Xx

Thanks for coming back. Glad it went well and sounds like you had a confidence boost. Lovely dress, bet you looked gorgeous xxx

So well done - absolutely smashed it!!

So please for you! Great update

She actually didnt say that at all.
But after all these years you're still focused on your ex rather than your current partner, as per your post and your reply to this.

Dont make the wedding all about you and still being bitter. Look nice for you and your new husband not your ex husband.

You obviously weren't meant to be, and he's still with his new wife all these years later. He's not going to notice or think anything at all of the way you look.

Am I missing a reference to a baby here?? OP stated that exH had an affair leaving you with a 4 & 11 year old. How were you managing to bf a baby???

The OW didn’t have an affair and betray you, your ex did that. However 15 years down the line you refuse to acknowledge the OW. They have children together and their kids are your children’s siblings so whether you like it or now there’ll always be a connection and maybe it’s time to try to leave the past where it belongs.
Nothing is written in stone and sometimes marriages don’t work out but 15 years later you seem to be taking great joy in the fact that the OW has put on weight

I was glad to hear that you enjoyed yourself. The dress looks wonderful, it sounds like the wedding went well for you .Marvellous.

Oh bog off. Her husband had an affair: of course she isn’t focused on exonerating the ow. Rejection hurts, and it’s natural to feel resentful of someone you were ditched for.

Great update OP. Love the dress - and think it was somehow bang-on colour wise . Really smart but still soft. I’m glad you got through what was understandably an emotional day.

Can't you just focus on getting something nice and that you feel good in for your sons wedding rather than a woman your son clearly likes enough to invite to his wedding.

Great update OP.

Sounds like it all went brilliantly.

Ignore any snide comments, I imagine most folk would have felt similar in your shoes, I know I would have!

So glad it went well and you found an outfit that made you feel good.

Lovely update OP. Glad you found an outfit you were confident in, the navy suede boots sound nice (hint for a link!)

Glad to hear you had a successful day in an outfit you were happy with, @stilllostinthecity. And that you had some fun along the way.

What an amazing update, well done!

Oh Bog Off Yourself!!!
The OP mentioned that her children were 4 & 11 marriage ended, someone then made a comment that she didn’t like and she then said that she was bf a baby.

Yes it’s just awful when a marriage ends because of an affair but everyone has moved on after 15 years so she should be making an effort as mother of the groom and not because her ex husbands partner will be there

My marriage ended cos my now exH has an affair but at this stage neither him or the OW are not important in my life and I wouldn’t waste my time or energy thinking about them. Ultimately my exHs affair ended the marriage but the OW didn’t force him to have an affair.

Move on and concentrate on what’s important in your life. You will always be connected through your children so just smile and be polite on the next occasion.

She only said the marriage ended when her youngest was 4. She never said how long the affair lasted, so she quite possibly was BF a baby at one point during it.

The way I understood it the affair had been going on duplicitously for years, starting when she was breastfeeding until the marriage ended when the youngest was four.

Op has moved on: she’s in a new relationship, she’s clearly financially savvy enough that it was her hosting the wedding. There’s no need to act like she’s moping round in a dusty wedding dress like a jilted Miss Havisham. It was simply that after years of probably not thinking about them much at all, she realised they would be at the wedding. She posted on here confiding that it was something she felt anxious about. Many would. Having done it, she probably doesn’t anymore.

Good you couldn’t care less, but some people do.

Lovely update. Sounds as though it went brilliantly. Happy for you

I feel sorry for you. You’re the bitter one . The OP has survived a difficult time and understandably wants her family and friends ( and the OW and ex) to see that she has come out the other side looking pretty damn good .

… to which I would add it’s just unkind when people have opened up about their feelings of vulnerability to kick them on their exposed belly. The fact she is fully in touch with her feelings about still feeling rejected in favour of the OW isn’t something to mock her for.

What’s with this thing on MN lately to leap on anyone who apportions some blame to the OW? Of course it’s not her fault alone: no one is letting the man off the hook. But it’s nonsense to pretend the OW didn’t act in a way to facilitate the hurt. Think there must be a lot of OW on here 👀 - or just such militant OTT man-haters they can’t bear one crumb of negative opinion not being fully directed at men. Of course it ultimately comes down to the man taking the decision to have an affair; but why do we have to exonerate ow who facilitate his decision? It does ultimately take two to tango. You can dislike them both.

Thanks for the update OP. The dress you chose was gorgeous and I'm pleased it all went well for you.

Yes that's right. He started the affair when I was at home with our toddler and baby. I rarely think about them and certainly hold no feelings for him. However for anyone who is the child of divorced parents, or a divorcee, those family occasions are more complicated.

Love this post!