Interesting question. Primarily my aunt. My aunt and uncle never had children. At various times I have been asked to be executor, told I was to be sole heir and also told I was completely disinherited. I’ve lost track of the entire sequence.
My aunt and mother had a somewhat complicated relationship. This stems from my grandmother being rather narcissistic. My mum was the black sheep and my aunt the golden child.
I tried to distance myself from my aunt/grandma fairly early but my mum wanted me to maintain a relationship with them for her sake. This unfortunately led to them trying to use me to get to her repeatedly.
When my mum died, I was grandfathered in to the position of black sheep. I did try to establish a different relationship with them around the time my mum was terminally ill and I was looking after her, primarily so they would visit her. My aunt hadn’t seen my mum for about a decade at that point, despite them living about a fifteen minute walk apart.
My mum tried to go and see her once on her birthday and brought a cake she had made. My aunt opened the door, took the cake and shut the door in my mum’s face. My mum wasn’t perfect but she was bullied by them (my aunt and grandma) all her life. Now I come to think about it, I probably say ‘them’ to reflect the fact that even though my grandma is dead, her presence still looms large and how she pitted her daughters against one another still affects a lot of the family dynamic. It’s a bit like seeing the generational cascade and personalities involved beyond just the present. A bit like magical realism.
Anyway, after my mum died I tried to put some distance into to the relationship between my aunt and grandma and me.
Low contact went relatively well at first, but I got some nasty communications from them around the time I met my now husband. My husband has only met my aunt a couple of times. The first time was fine and the second was horrendous.
My aunt had a real go at both me and him at a wider family event. The basic motive there was I suspect to scare my husband off. My aunt also tried to tell me not to throw my life away on someone so unexciting because he’s an accountant, which I think was possibly projecting about how she felt about her own marriage.
The wider family in that side is pretty much as gone now, bar a few second and third cousins a few times removed, most of whom now live in Europe and they are on my maternal grandfather’s side rather than my maternal grandmother’s. A few still live fairly locally to the hometown and I don’t know how involved they are.
So I suspect I am being involved for a couple of reasons.
Firstly, there is probably a fairly small gift in my uncles will, more likely a thing than money.
Secondly, apparently my grandma left me some money which has never yet been passed on to me (my aunt was executor). This is very much being dangled as a carrot to get me involved again. The reason behind this would be I think that my aunt is now on her own and is realising I am her only living blood relation, and she may need some help at some point. There may be some other dangling of carrots like hints of money passing to me eventually.
Thirdly, some grandstanding. From what my aunt has said, my uncle is leaving around a million pounds and I think there is an element of showing off. This is where I suspect I am my mother’s proxy- my aunt wants to show off to my mum how well her husband did. My aunt had a very big chip on her shoulder about my mum for various reasons and became very underhand sly competitive about it, all of which was stoked by my grandma. I know that sounds weird but some of the things my aunt did at my mum’s funeral and afterwards make me think that she still wants to show my mum who’s come out on top.
Fourthly, and somewhat perversely, I am also to be there to represent my aunt’s side of the family against my uncle’s side of the family.
My uncle’s side of the family was basically two sisters. One died a while back ago and she left her money to her two siblings. She stipulated that if my uncle predeceased her nothing was to go to my aunt, but instead everything would go to her sister.
My aunt took great offence at that and wanted my uncle just to give his remaining sister all the money right away to show that they didn’t need money from anyone. This is because the remaining sister and her husband are very wealthy, multi-millionaires and that has always caused a bit of tension/resentment on that side.
Their money isn actually partly oil related so perhaps I should have referenced Dallas rather than Dynasty but I always preferred the clothes in Dynasty and who can resist Joan Collins?
Anyway, I suspect that my uncle has done some kind of thing referencing that. I think I am there to be my aunt’s witness for that, that somehow she has managed to “get back”
at my uncle’s sister. Or something. I have a hard time explaining that dynamic but I kind of feel it.
Funnily enough, the presence of my uncle’s family, even though I barely know them, is fairly reassuring to me and part of the reason I am countenancing going. My aunt would be less likely to embarrass herself in front of them by having an open go at me. She’s down that to my uncle’s sister before and so his sister wouldn’t fall for it and might even intervene. There would be passive aggressive digs but still. If they don’t turn up I would think about spinning on my heel and leaving.
I also don’t want my husband by my side but outside in the getaway car with the motor running. This is because I think she is more likely to have a go at me if he isn’t there. I could be wrong.
So I want to go I think partly as reminder to myself that even though I pine a bit for my family emotionally at times, I’m really better off out of it.
Anyway, just as you posted I was thinking of my great aunt Becky (my mum’s dad’s sister). She used to turn up to family occasions wearing a man’s three piece pinstripe suit, collar and tie at half mast, accessorized with a bowler hat, pocket watch and gold signet ring. Peaky Blinders meets Marlene Dietrich.
Right up til her seventies. Looked amazing. At that point she made off from my mother’s house with a meaningful china object that my mum inherited from her grandma. Great Aunt Becky invited us to stay, then came to stay with us (she lived in England). Walked out in the middle of the night with it before we were even awake. Never saw her again.