Do you try to look good so you don't embarrass your kids?

[BarmyBarnacles]

It put very little effort into my appearance. I work from home so just throw on something random before the school run. My hair is always a mess and unless I go to the office I don't wear makeup. I've also got no dress sense and am obese. Basically, I just shower and then wear something comfortable. My hair is starting to grey quite noticeably now.

I'm an older mum (45) to two young kids, one in primary school (age 6) and the other one is a toddler (almost 2). I am pretty sure that for the toddler at least I will be the oldest mum at the school gate. I can't help that but sometimes I wonder if for his sake I should at least dye my hair and try to look younger. It shouldn't matter but I worry that the kids will be embarrassed by my appearance and though they should be more resilient and this is totally unimportant I wonder if I should make more of an effort. I don't need another area of conflict or difficulties for them.

What do you think? Do you try to look good for your kids' sake? Is it a factor at all?

Not a factor at all, I think you ll find all sorts at the school gates, the judgey people to be avoided.

OP I'm 45 and last night my DD told me that I'm OK and I look OK enough to be out in public!

I do make the effort. But not the hair thing, I think grey can look great. But I always try to wear things in a style that is a bit current.

So when the DC were little I wore skinny jeans.

Now times have moved on I wear wide leg trousers and trainers.

More about not totally embarrassing them on the school run etc.

Most people at the school gate seem to be better dressed than me and neater. And most of them are younger.

My question is not so much about what the other parents think though but about your own kids and how they might feel. I wouldn't make an effort for the other parents but if it makes my kids more comfortable I'd do it. I mean I know that I'm going to embarrass them anyway in a myriad ways but I'm wondering what people think about this particular thing.

I only want to look good for myself, I have bad skin but go without make up most days. Make a bit more effort on my office days so 4-5 times a month. I take no notice of the school mums.

I think there's a happy medium. I wouldn't say you need to dye your hair or try to 'look younger'. There will always have to be an oldest at the gate and if it's you then it's you! But I do think running a brush through your hair and making sure you leave the house in clothes that are clean and matching (not saying you don't do this) is the bare minimum.
If I thought I looked scruffy I wouldn't be happy for myself let alone for my child.
Sounds as though you're having a little crisis of confidence but with two young children at your age (also my age!) I'm not surprised you're not feeling your best. Be kinder to yourself. Your don't have to be wearing the latest Veja or whatever is trendy nowadays . Classic, clean, uncrumpled should be enough.

I am the same and feel like if I'm clean and hair brushed then that's acceptable. Most of the women at our school gate are either on their way to work so fairly smart or in leggings/sports gear but no one is judging anyone else I don't think?

The focus for me as an older mum is on weight management / health. At 48 and at my weight (also obese) things like cardiovascular health / diabetes are starting to rear their head. Wish I had kept active and tackled my weight earlier and I feel that's more important to my kids wellbeing - but it's not easy!

Yes, I think I do to some extent. My dc are uni age now so I don’t have to do it every day though! I don’t make a huge effort, but when we go to pick up/drop off at university I pick my nicer clothes and style my hair (I usually go for comfort and certainly don’t spend long on my hair).

My mum was one of the oldest at the school gates, and she was overweight (in the 70s when most of the other mums were slim) and I did feel conscious of it, so maybe that’s why I make an effort. I suspect things are a bit different now though, with more older mums around and fashion being generally more casual.

No. Not a factor at all. I make an effort to stay reasonably fit and look clean and presentable, but that's entirely for me.

I would have been embarrassed if my mum looked a mess yes.

So I make an effort.

Kids are very mean for all sorts of reasons.

I agree with this. I'd hate to give kids anything to tease my child about.

That's what I worry about. I don't want my kids to be teased or feel embarassed because of how I look.

You should obviously want to look ‘good’ primarily for yourself! But I’m conscious that you now have potentially another 18 years or so of ferrying your children about and being tangentially involved in their social and academic lives.

There’s no reason why comfortable and vaguely stylish should be mutually exclusive. If you don’t have decent clothes in your wardrobe at the moment, now might be a sensible moment to start gathering some. ‘Nothing to wear’ is such a stressful place to be.

No dress sense doesn’t matter. Walk into a fashionable shop or open their website. Buy from their current collection. Wear. (If you shop in crappy shops, yes, it will be harder. So don’t.)

What size are you? Can you shop at Uniqlo?

Grey hair is beautiful if well looked after. You don’t need to look ‘younger’ - but a hairdresser will help with both colour transition and a fresh haircut, which will elevate your look and confidence.

Yes it’s a factor for me. My daughters are both pretty girls who don’t really resemble me, particularly the youngest. I feel like if I don’t make an effort my eldest would be embarrassed and also people would wonder how the heck I managed to create the two of them. I struggle with my weight so I try to compensate with my hair and makeup

I don't think your age, or whether or not you look your age, matters. But I do think it's important to show your kids that you care enough about yourself to take pride in your appearance. It sets a good example and also, yes, kids will tease about anything.

I say this totally non-judgementally by the way, as I too feel I need to make changes for my kids sake (as well as other reasons).

I do always make sure I'm presentable on the school run and part of it is so I don't embarrass my son.

I don’t think you need to dye your hair, no, or wear make up annd your weight is irrelevant, and 45 isn’t old.

I don’t know the actual defintion of wearing something comfortable, or how your hair is that you describe a mess, but I think looking semi presentable when out in public is important, well it is for me and my self esteem.

kids can be judgey yes, not at this age but as they get older, so yes depending on the reality of the situation it could be embarrassing for them.

howver you should want to do it for uou.

I always remember being horrendously embarrassed by my parents as a teen (they weren’t that bad, I was awful!). So I always make an effort but that is for me rather than my daughter, although I did pick her up from school the other day and when she saw me she shouted “mummy I just love your dress”. I will always remember that when she insists on walking 20ft behind me as a teen, like I did!

I do think you should have pride in your appearance for yourself obviously and you should look presentable for your children’s sake as well. Yes it is relevant. It’s ok to be casual but not scruffy or unkempt.

I feel that I can’t expect my children to brush their hair/teeth, wear clean uniform and arrive at school prepared for class etc etc if I haven’t made a similar effort to look presentable.

they need never know I put my PJs back on as soon as I get back home!

I didn't worry too much for school runs (no make up, hair in a bun, comfy clothes, glasses not contact lenses) but did spruce up a bit for events with DC (sports day, parents evenings etc). But more for how I felt about myself than for them specifically. Would you feel better if you made more effort or are you totally happy with how you are? Either answer is fine by the way but I'd start with that. I'd wear things and look the way that would make ME happy and not worry too much about the DC - you being confident in your skin is the best thing you can show them imo.

Also all parents are old and dress crap to them I think 😂. Maybe I need to ask my 11 yo DS how he feels about how I look/what I wear. I'm also in a similar boat with a 2 yo at 44 so I'll be an older mum at the school gates but tbh, I find there's such a mix of ages/looks that nobody really stands out too much anyway (although there was one woman who used to wear slippers for drop off! Not like ugg shoes/could be slippers but full on furry slippers).

Honestly your kids are very young and youre already concerned .. you have anotjer 15yr of representing your children and of them bringing friends/ activities back

You need to make an effort so they dont become conscious and other parents exclude you and them by nature of connection

Sorry. But penalty of being an older parent, isnt ir, harder to keep up

All the more popular kids in my kids classes have sociable fashionable mums. Mgt be conincidence might not. Good liuck

To be honest, no matter what you wear or what you look like, your children will be embarrassed to be seen with you once they hit teenage years!

Also, nothing wrong with greying hair, get a good trim and keep up with regular cuts and it’ll make a huge difference.

I look like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards much of the time. Partly because I’ve got unmanageable hair and partly because I don’t like spending time and money on grooming. I’m usually wearing gym kit because I work in the fitness/leisure industry and when I’m not, I’m in dog walking clothes. I hate restrictive clothing - jeans, tailored things, heels. Comfort is far more important to me than anything else. My kids have never told me they’re embarrassed by my appearance and indeed will still be seen with me in public, even in front of their friends. They’re mid-late teens so if I haven’t managed to embarrass them at this age, I reckon I might be home free.

This is a very valid point. Leading by example.

as said though I’d want to do it for myself and my own self esteem.

you don’t seem happy with your appearance, if you were this thought would never enter your head. If you aren’t happy with how you look that can have an overall detrimental impact on your mental health.

lack of effort in your own grooming and appearance, and importantly feeling unhappy about your appearance (as opposed to not caring) can be a sign of other issues

we don’t know how you present, but if you yourself think it’s at such a level your own kids could be embarrassed by your appearance, then I’d try to work out what’s stopping you dealing with it and what is required to make you feel happier.

I haven’t reached this point of motherhood yet but I like to think I’d make an effort on the school run. I remember noticing other mums and dads and if they was dressed smart, I think it sets a good example.

Even just so my kids can see me taking pride in my appearance. Doesn’t have to be a fashion show but I’d like to think I’d keep my hair nice and throw some tinted moisturiser on and something that resembles a matching set or outdoor appropriate loungewear. It all feels like it goes hand in hand really.