Do you try to look good so you don't embarrass your kids?

[BarmyBarnacles]

It put very little effort into my appearance. I work from home so just throw on something random before the school run. My hair is always a mess and unless I go to the office I don't wear makeup. I've also got no dress sense and am obese. Basically, I just shower and then wear something comfortable. My hair is starting to grey quite noticeably now.

I'm an older mum (45) to two young kids, one in primary school (age 6) and the other one is a toddler (almost 2). I am pretty sure that for the toddler at least I will be the oldest mum at the school gate. I can't help that but sometimes I wonder if for his sake I should at least dye my hair and try to look younger. It shouldn't matter but I worry that the kids will be embarrassed by my appearance and though they should be more resilient and this is totally unimportant I wonder if I should make more of an effort. I don't need another area of conflict or difficulties for them.

What do you think? Do you try to look good for your kids' sake? Is it a factor at all?

I've got a decent winter coat for when the temperature drops a bit more. That should help. I don't have a nice summer or autumn coat that fits , which adds to the problem.

Why do you think it is a waste of time to make a little more effort with your appearance?

Would you send your kids out in broken shoes and unbrushed hair? I think you wouldn't so why do you think you're not worth doing the same for? Its a genuine question as I know when I feel down, I can easily stay not bother making any effort?

Can't you spare even an hour to go get fitted for a bra? On the weekend when your partner can be with the kids? You don't mention a partner.

I think there's more going on here than looking good for the school gates, if you have a closet full of stuff you haven't returned in time!

I feel that I can’t expect my children to brush their hair/teeth, wear clean uniform and arrive at school prepared for class etc etc if I haven’t made a similar effort to look presentable
Agree with this.
I don't think anyone should feel the need to look younger, due their hair, get made up for the school run.
I do think it's reasonable to make an effort to be presentable where they have the means to (eg choosing not to wear clothes and shoes that are falling apart).

I agree and if you have time to go for a run (and it sounds like you do) then maybe you can make the time to go into a shoe shop and try on different brands until you find one that feels comfortable?

I think whatever attitude you have about yourself transfers to children so easily. Low self esteem or obsessing about calories or constantly judging others by their clothing choices etc. it builds a model that children follow.

Kids do best with well rounded parents that are happy in their own skin. Whatever they look like.

Op, can I ask gently , are you making excuses maybe and not revealing the true issue?

it takes no more time to put on a bra that fits than one that doesn’t. It takes mins to buy one on line. There are plenty of stretchy comfort bras available.

can I also ask do you run? If not why do you wish trainers for running, as any pair of decent trainers will do otherwise, try Nike or puma. Get the right size. Or just buy the same ones you have now.

The reason I ask if you’re not revealing the real issue is A lot of the issues seems to be around you have a lot of stuff that doesn’t fit. Is this due to your weight? I know when I gained weight I found it hard to understand what size I was, ending up with stuff that didn’t fit. I was also less keen to buy stuff as I didn’t think I looked good in it. It felt pointless, it made me feel more shit, And I certainly didn’t wish to go into shops and try stuff on.

is this fundamentally a weight issue at its core, or are you happy with it?

I make an effort on the School Run, I wake up early and take time to choose my outfit / do my make up / hair. I believe appearances are important for both Me and my Children, not just at on the School run but in all aspects of Life. My day always feels smoother when I feel more 'put together' and If I was aware I looked unkempt I would do something about it, but that's just Me. Age irrelevant!

I don't need another area of conflict or difficulties for them.

This is the S&B board, so I apologise for not sticking to clothes, but I was struck by what you said in your OP, @BarmyBarnacles. And you’ve indicated that lack of time is a factor, as well as your weight. It does sound quite - concerning. But of course you’re not obliged to discuss your wider situation here.

I’ve known people who consistently arrived late at the school gates in the morning, and others who always struggled to be there on time at the end of the school day - each for different reasons, but their children, as adults, still remembered the stress it caused them. So it would be worthwhile to see if a solution really cannot be found.

It’s hard to assess your financial situation - you have a bursting wardrobe, but would presumably already be paying someone to pick up your child from school if you could afford it. And it seems you have no family, or friend, or even another school parent who is willing / able to help you out with this? So everything falls on your shoulders. That must be exhausting, and I can see why caring for your own appearance would have fallen to the end of your list of priorities.

Honestly I think the people who parade around the school yard in hungry bum leggings and sports bras are far more embarrassing.

It’s not a race to the bottom to see who is the most embarrassing. The op didn’t ask if she was the most embarrassing person.

OK Hun.

Probably they will find us embarrassing when they are teenagers, more than likely happy to see Mum at the gate at those ages.
Tidy, clean but do it for yourself and less of the looking younger.
Finding clothings to flatter and fit you with some colour is always nice casual or dressed up.
At least you make the school gate I miss that with work (thankfully).

I'm WFH today, I've just put leggings and a t shirt on, DH is doing drop off, I'm doing pick up and will get dressed before I go, even if just jeans and a jumper and a pair of boots (it's raining), my hair is always either dried naturally curly or straightened. I don't wear much make up but tinted moisturiser, mascara and lip balm. I like to look neat and tidy if I'm leaving the house and yes I would worry about what other children would say to DS. There are some parents on the school run in actual pyjamas or looking like they've rolled out of bed and put yesterday's see through leggings and a hoody on, honestly their children are the ones with unbrushed hair and grubby uniforms. It's not a fashion parade but you should look clean and dressed in clothes and shoes that are not dirty/damaged

I would never wear sweats, leggings (unless going to the gym) or anything like that to the school run, not for my kids' sakes but I just dont leave the house nor work that dressed down, sweats are for Sundays at home! But equally I don't really wear make up often and often scrape my hair up, but fully dressed! I don't see much dressing down at this school, our previous one was another story...pyjamas, onesies that kind of thing.

Kids don't care what you look like they just want to see your face at home time and know you were there to pick them up. If you want to make improvements for your self do it but don't do it for other people

That is one hundred percent not true. Kids care very much. Not at 2. But after 5. Yeah they do.

This is basically my take.

we all get ready together + we all leave the house looking moderately smart. It takes minimal effort to chuck on a soft blazer or semi structured jacket over clean jeans and trainers. Run a brush through my hair + moisturise.

Clean converse + clean skin + well fitting jeans + a navy or black or grey tee + one of a couple of different jackets
is my morning vibe. Zero thought presentability.

find yourself a daily ‘uniform’ that doesnt need energy. Rinse and repeat. It does feel better to do life feeling ready for it!

Awww OP you really don’t need to worry about your appearance!! Being a fab mum isn’t about what you look like.

I don’t think it really matters too much, your children will be so used to you looking like their mum, it won’t matter to them at all.

My mum was in her 20’s when she went grey (all over, completely grey / white colour) and by the time I was in year 6 (10 years old) she stopped dying her hair. She was the only mum with grey hair but it didn’t matter to me or my siblings and nobody made fun of me at school for it. I was never embarrassed by her! She was so fun & friendly so I think the other children just saw past her hair.
She also didn’t wear any make-up at all and didn’t care about what clothes she wore, as long as she was comfy.

Just be you .. your children will always love you for you! And I’m sure they won’t be embarrassed by appearances 💐❤️

The trouble with finding a so called low effort daily ‘uniform’ is that it almost always seems to involve jeans. I get that jeans are low effort but I find them so uncomfortable. Leggings are what I’m comfortable in but everyone seems to regard them as scruffy. But my comfort is more important so leggings it is. (I’ve got muscular legs and bottom if that helps 😂)

Parents embarrass their children merely by existing. What you wear is irrelevant in that context, especially trying to look younger.

I don’t agree @Janieforever. Surely it depends on the kid and their relationship with their parent? My mum wasn’t scruffy exactly but was certainly unfashionable and ‘mumsy’ in her appearance. She wore fleeces and unfashionable jeans (ironically they were ‘mum jeans’ which have been in vogue again more recently but which were terribly unfashionable in the 90s!) She didn’t wear make up and she had unruly hair (which I’ve inherited). She was bloody brilliant though and I didn’t care what she wore. I don’t remember ever feeling embarrassed about what she looked like and all my friends thought she was a legend because she was so funny and bonkers.

She never did the school run though (because she was a teacher) so maybe this is all irrelevant 😂

But it costs no more effort to put on a skirt, @waterlego? And a dress, even less. Simple, or ‘uniform’ don’t have to mean the same thing to everyone.

The words ‘school run’ always, always remind me of a long gone pair of high, block heeled suede sandals (Top Shop) that used to impress the five year old I was racing down the hill with.

Sure @MayIDestroyYou but dresses and skirts have to be paired with the right sort of footwear and I’m hopeless at all that. Plus I don’t find tights comfortable and skirt/dress with leggings can be too warm. Leggings and trainers/boots are so much easier-I don’t have to think about it!

I’m an older mum, had children mid- late 30’s. I make an effort for myself. Not OTT, I’m usually in jeans during the day but I’m always dressed well, have a little makeup on (lipstick, mascara etc) and make sure my hair is nice. I’m not obsessive but keep my weight down and I’m trying to age as well as I can because it makes me feel good. I like the fact no one thinks I’m as old as I am. I like the fact I know I don’t look like I’m fastly approaching 50! I keep fit and healthy because I want to be as young as possible for as long as possible.

Re my children, I’d want them to be proud of me and would be horrified if my appearance caused them any upset. I remember their faces when I did the school pick up a few years ago while decorating - they were mortified and thought everyone would think I had no nice clothes because I was covered in paint!! I know they’d love me regardless but I wouldn’t want them to feel embarrassed by me.