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Original poster

Do you try to look good so you don't embarrass your kids?

145 replies

BarmyBarnacles · 11/10/2023 10:14

It put very little effort into my appearance. I work from home so just throw on something random before the school run. My hair is always a mess and unless I go to the office I don't wear makeup. I've also got no dress sense and am obese. Basically, I just shower and then wear something comfortable. My hair is starting to grey quite noticeably now.

I'm an older mum (45) to two young kids, one in primary school (age 6) and the other one is a toddler (almost 2). I am pretty sure that for the toddler at least I will be the oldest mum at the school gate. I can't help that but sometimes I wonder if for his sake I should at least dye my hair and try to look younger. It shouldn't matter but I worry that the kids will be embarrassed by my appearance and though they should be more resilient and this is totally unimportant I wonder if I should make more of an effort. I don't need another area of conflict or difficulties for them.

What do you think? Do you try to look good for your kids' sake? Is it a factor at all?

OP posts:
MollyMarples · 11/10/2023 11:58

No. But I do think people are less friendly and smiley to me now that I’m not glamorous anymore.

Stressfordays · 11/10/2023 12:04

I don't go full glam but I always have on a bit of make up, hair neat and tidy in a claw clip and I have some outfits I use for 'school run'. Theyre fashionable and comfortable (matching jogger sets with a gilet, leggings and tops, dresses and denim jacket in summer).

I'm a younger Mum and my eldest has gone secondary and doesn't appear embarrassed by me at all luckily so I think I'm doing something right. My friend has an even older child and shes getting comments about having a 'milf' from the boys now so I think it can be embarrassing regardless.

hallana · 11/10/2023 12:09

It's so hard to imagine being embarrassed by my mother at primary school. As a teen, yes, I felt embarassed all the time by everything, but when I was young enough to be dropped off? It's really hard to imagine, tbh. My mother was awesome, and wore whatever the hell she wanted, including what we fondly referred to as clown trousers. She was completely unfashionable and I think would have been amused at the idea of trying to be. She never dyed her hair or wore makeup, but she never looked down on anyone who did either. Her body was her own business and so was yours. Now I'm the age she was then, and I now realise this was a generational gift, one that I am cashing in every day.

What do you want your children to feel as adults, because what you model now will always form part of that.

Shinyandnew1 · 11/10/2023 12:23

My hair is always a mess

How though? Do you not brush it? I wouldn’t want my kids to leave the house with I brushed hair. I wouldn’t do it either.

I don’t want to look a mess for me as well as my children so I shower and brush my hair and put on clothes that I think suit me ok.

waterlego · 11/10/2023 12:24

@hallana Your Mum sounds like a great woman.

waterlego · 11/10/2023 12:27

@Shinyandnew1, welcome to the idea of different hair types! Some of us have hair that does its own thing literally straight after we have brushed it (mine is usually in a claw clip or ponytail to lessen the scarecrow effect, but I can’t change the texture of my hair). I always brush my hair, floss and brush my teeth, keep myself clean and wear clean clothes. I’m not obliged to do any more than that just to impress or please other people, including my own kids.

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 11/10/2023 12:31

I do make an effort both for me and my kids. I’m also an older mum (which my kids are at an age to know).

I put on make up and change my clothes from joggers and a sweatshirt (WFH) before I pick up the kids. The kids have activities most days and I often go for a coffee while waiting for them and I don’t want to go to a coffee shop looking and feeling like a frazzled, downtrodden woman.

I make an extra effort when there is a PT meeting!

I have wondered if clothes can sometimes make a difference to how I am treated but I think it’s more that clothes can make me feel different. That shouldn’t happen of course but if I feel badly dressed I’m more aware of shop security looking at me etc But maybe that’s because I already feel crap about myself. When I’m dressed better, I feel better about myself. It makes me feel I’m worth making an effort for.

Original poster
BarmyBarnacles · 11/10/2023 12:32

Shinyandnew1 · 11/10/2023 12:23

My hair is always a mess

How though? Do you not brush it? I wouldn’t want my kids to leave the house with I brushed hair. I wouldn’t do it either.

I don’t want to look a mess for me as well as my children so I shower and brush my hair and put on clothes that I think suit me ok.

No I do brush it and put it up in a pony tail but my hair is extremely thick and I have not found found any (comfortable) hair bands yet that don't become too lose after one wear so the hair slips out very easily.

Also, I'm almost always late (as there's too little time between last work meeting and pick up) so I'm always running to pick her up on time, which makes my hair even more messy.

And I hate uncomfortable clothes so my bras are too loose and I'm always in trainers that are falling apart now but I don't have time to buy new ones. I've tried to order some online but they are all too uncomfortable.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 11/10/2023 12:33

Clean and tidy you is perfectly acceptable.

Original poster
BarmyBarnacles · 11/10/2023 12:34

hallana · 11/10/2023 12:09

It's so hard to imagine being embarrassed by my mother at primary school. As a teen, yes, I felt embarassed all the time by everything, but when I was young enough to be dropped off? It's really hard to imagine, tbh. My mother was awesome, and wore whatever the hell she wanted, including what we fondly referred to as clown trousers. She was completely unfashionable and I think would have been amused at the idea of trying to be. She never dyed her hair or wore makeup, but she never looked down on anyone who did either. Her body was her own business and so was yours. Now I'm the age she was then, and I now realise this was a generational gift, one that I am cashing in every day.

What do you want your children to feel as adults, because what you model now will always form part of that.

I love this. I'd love for my kids to think like this about me!!

OP posts:
Original poster
BarmyBarnacles · 11/10/2023 12:35

MrsSkylerWhite · 11/10/2023 12:33

Clean and tidy you is perfectly acceptable.

Clean yes. Tidy not always.

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 11/10/2023 12:36

I try to look decent when I'm out so I don't embarrass myself

MayIDestroyYou · 11/10/2023 12:37

No I do brush it and put it up in a pony tail but my hair is extremely thick and I have not found found any (comfortable) hair bands yet that don't become too lose after one wear so the hair slips out very easily.

Again, this is something any relatively competent hairdresser could help you with. It would be worth prioritising if you can afford it.

Usernamen · 11/10/2023 12:40

Is 45 with primary aged children really an ‘older mum’ these days?

Anyway, to answer your question, if you’re showered and dressed it really doesn’t matter how you look at the school gate. I don’t have kids, but I always assumed parents spend 10 minutes tops picking up their children, so not really worth putting make-up and nice clothes on for.

UnconventionalLife · 11/10/2023 12:41

When I'm at home I am happy to slob around in old track pants and hoody but when i go out I am varying levels of effort and always have.
My dc are teens now so I am actually conscious of not embarrassing them. If their friends / boyfriends etc are over I will not dress in my old house stuff but I will wear newer versions of similar so not so scruffy.

I work outside the home and dress for work everyday. It's in a creative sector so not corporate. I dress well and have always had an interest in style. I keep my hair done and wear light makeup and always have nice jewellery / perfume etc.

I think over all I present well and I am now in my early 50s. In fact looking back at photos I think I look better now than in my 40s

It also models self care to kids from an early age. I aways did it for me as I have always been very interested and always worked in a sector where I have a lot of freedom to experiment with my style.

dh is always complimentary too and I like that. We're together over 20 years now and we still love making an effort for each other.

My advice is - do it for yourself. It will boost you in so many ways. Buy some nice clothes that fit you properly to whatever budget you can manage. It makes no difference if you're buying from a supermarket or high end once you feel comfortable, they're clean and they fit you and most of all - they're fit for the purpose you need them for. In your case that could be wide leg jersey tousers with nice trainers, & a top. Or a dress and tights and flat boots etc

Make sure you take time for your own self care - shower / bath daily, skincare, do your hair - no need to dye it but do keep it in shape and styled and brushed etc. Unkempt hair doesn't look good on anyone.

I am sure you, like most of us, have things stashed away 'for good wear', forget about that, just start using it all. Wear that nice scarf, or perfume, or top.

Good luck op, you are in the trenches with 2 small kids and working etc but please don't lose yourself. You are a valuable person too and you also need cherishing and looking after too. This can be so easy to overlook but it really damages your self worth and confidence and you want your children to have these in abundance and that starts with you.

Original poster
BarmyBarnacles · 11/10/2023 12:43

UnconventionalLife · 11/10/2023 12:41

When I'm at home I am happy to slob around in old track pants and hoody but when i go out I am varying levels of effort and always have.
My dc are teens now so I am actually conscious of not embarrassing them. If their friends / boyfriends etc are over I will not dress in my old house stuff but I will wear newer versions of similar so not so scruffy.

I work outside the home and dress for work everyday. It's in a creative sector so not corporate. I dress well and have always had an interest in style. I keep my hair done and wear light makeup and always have nice jewellery / perfume etc.

I think over all I present well and I am now in my early 50s. In fact looking back at photos I think I look better now than in my 40s

It also models self care to kids from an early age. I aways did it for me as I have always been very interested and always worked in a sector where I have a lot of freedom to experiment with my style.

dh is always complimentary too and I like that. We're together over 20 years now and we still love making an effort for each other.

My advice is - do it for yourself. It will boost you in so many ways. Buy some nice clothes that fit you properly to whatever budget you can manage. It makes no difference if you're buying from a supermarket or high end once you feel comfortable, they're clean and they fit you and most of all - they're fit for the purpose you need them for. In your case that could be wide leg jersey tousers with nice trainers, & a top. Or a dress and tights and flat boots etc

Make sure you take time for your own self care - shower / bath daily, skincare, do your hair - no need to dye it but do keep it in shape and styled and brushed etc. Unkempt hair doesn't look good on anyone.

I am sure you, like most of us, have things stashed away 'for good wear', forget about that, just start using it all. Wear that nice scarf, or perfume, or top.

Good luck op, you are in the trenches with 2 small kids and working etc but please don't lose yourself. You are a valuable person too and you also need cherishing and looking after too. This can be so easy to overlook but it really damages your self worth and confidence and you want your children to have these in abundance and that starts with you.

Thank you for the kind and thoughtful reply!! :-)

OP posts:
LittleBrownBaby · 11/10/2023 12:44

Honestly - yes. I also have a 2 year old AND secondary school aged kids. Once they start bringing their teenage mates around you are aware of how you look might make your kids feel. But I've always been one for make up and hair done every day - more for myself than anyone else.

Original poster
BarmyBarnacles · 11/10/2023 12:46

Usernamen · 11/10/2023 12:40

Is 45 with primary aged children really an ‘older mum’ these days?

Anyway, to answer your question, if you’re showered and dressed it really doesn’t matter how you look at the school gate. I don’t have kids, but I always assumed parents spend 10 minutes tops picking up their children, so not really worth putting make-up and nice clothes on for.

Isn't it? My younger one isn't even two years old yet so I'm definitely well above the average age.

OP posts:
Mummy08m · 11/10/2023 12:51

MrsSkylerWhite · 11/10/2023 12:33

Clean and tidy you is perfectly acceptable.

100% this.

I don't imagine most dads are dithering about embarrassing their kids with their clothes or hair.

I also think it's worth examining why you wear makeup for work but don't feel the need elsewhere.

I just think it's a societal tragedy that we seem to have convinced women in general that they're only acceptable if they disguise their faces - even if it's "just some tinted moisturiser" as per a pp. What a message to be sending your 6yo.

I'm sure you look completely fine as you are, op. And if you look a bit untidy and like you've just thrown your clothes on, so what. You've done better stuff with your morning time than lingering in front of the mirror

Vocaladvocaat · 11/10/2023 12:59

I never judged any mum on appearance- we all had been through pregnancy/sleepless nights! Until the kids are about five, it’s extremely likely tha the parent will end up with bodily fluids/dirt/food on them. Hopefully we live in an inclusive society these days.

I find people judge about al sorts of things all the time- just be yu and do your best.

Janieforever · 11/10/2023 12:59

Mummy08m · 11/10/2023 12:51

100% this.

I don't imagine most dads are dithering about embarrassing their kids with their clothes or hair.

I also think it's worth examining why you wear makeup for work but don't feel the need elsewhere.

I just think it's a societal tragedy that we seem to have convinced women in general that they're only acceptable if they disguise their faces - even if it's "just some tinted moisturiser" as per a pp. What a message to be sending your 6yo.

I'm sure you look completely fine as you are, op. And if you look a bit untidy and like you've just thrown your clothes on, so what. You've done better stuff with your morning time than lingering in front of the mirror

Show quote history

The op isn’t really focused on make up, she mentions it in passing. And the responses really don’t focus on make up.

Your post is banging a drum in response to something that didn’t occur. Wearing make up is fine. Not wearing it as fine. What’s not fine is having such an issue with it either way like you do.

MayIDestroyYou · 11/10/2023 13:04

There is one other thing - linking taking pride in yourself and setting an example …

I don’t think I realised until I joined MN, just how many women, particularly SAHMs, were kept in absolute penury by their male partners. Often they seemed surprised that other women in relationships are free to spend money on clothes and grooming. I can’t help thinking that girls / young women growing up in homes where they don’t see their mothers spending time and money on themselves are sometimes more vulnerable to finding themselves in relationships where their needs are not prioritised.

Ovaloffice · 11/10/2023 13:06

I think looking clean and tidy is important so I would make that effort

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/10/2023 13:25

I do now as I have a 15yo teen dd. She is rather beautiful having inherited her father’s olive tones and larger lips. I’m fair and fat… well I’ve lost 2 stone recently. So when I go out with her, not that often, I make an effort to look presentable. I have one dress, which meets her exacting standards - in fairness I like it best at present - and shall be wearing it to parents’ evening tomorrow.

fiorentina · 11/10/2023 13:26

I take pride in my appearance for my sake, I want to look smart and stylish for work as well as outside of work. Not specifically for my children’s benefit but I would also make sure I looked ok around their friends with tidy hair and basic make up, decent clothes. I want them to take pride in their appearance too to help with confidence.