Do you try to look good so you don't embarrass your kids?

[BarmyBarnacles]

It put very little effort into my appearance. I work from home so just throw on something random before the school run. My hair is always a mess and unless I go to the office I don't wear makeup. I've also got no dress sense and am obese. Basically, I just shower and then wear something comfortable. My hair is starting to grey quite noticeably now.

I'm an older mum (45) to two young kids, one in primary school (age 6) and the other one is a toddler (almost 2). I am pretty sure that for the toddler at least I will be the oldest mum at the school gate. I can't help that but sometimes I wonder if for his sake I should at least dye my hair and try to look younger. It shouldn't matter but I worry that the kids will be embarrassed by my appearance and though they should be more resilient and this is totally unimportant I wonder if I should make more of an effort. I don't need another area of conflict or difficulties for them.

What do you think? Do you try to look good for your kids' sake? Is it a factor at all?

I think dresses and skirts also work with converse / adidas stan smiths / vejas etc

It also doesn’t have to be jeans - my best friend refuses to wear jeans - but she wears things like this https://www.hush-uk.com/monaco-trousers-black/001487-0456-8T.html?fo_c=1586&fo_k=a95a05f84dfa5fad6c0094514cbb3ac9&fo_s=gplauk&gclid=Cj0KCQjwsp6pBhCfARIsAD3GZuZY7rlwK4PWVBPRRP_ufcDu8smm52B3SUkLHIsb_fCr0IStFtYQFSAaApKEEALw_wcB

it’s not about wearing anything specific. It’s about finding something that you feel comfortable in that can be worn without thought every day in slightly different iterations. That might be skirts + tights + boots or it might be leggings with some nice over sized jumpers + trainers or wellies + a Barbour or anything really.

of course there are a million perfectly good reasons not to. And you don’t have to. But
if you want to feel more ‘put together’ in the morning. I think a uniform is the easiest way…

I really recommend Molke bras. A little pricey but you could get away with 1/2 as they wash so well and last forever. They're handmade in Scotland and are so comfortable. Not underwired but still give you really good support.
Do you have difficulty with sensory issues? I noticed a lot of the issue seemed to be finding things uncomfortable - might be something to look into. I'm a bigger girl and in summer my go to shoes are Birkenstocks (cheap asda version 🤣) and winter Primark UGGs (again cheaper versions) pair those with leggings and a long hoody or dress and you'll be comfy but look put together.
Check out Vinted for a coat not too expensive.
And above anything else remember that you deserve an effort for yourself never mind anyone else. You are worthy of spending money and wearing nice clothes no matter weight/size or anything else ♥️

My son got teased? Bullied? Because of my size in Year 6. I’m an obese size 18. It’s grim.

No. But I try to look for for MY sake.
I had my kids in my 40s and so did many of my friends have at least one child then. We all look presentable when out in public. If you don't want to colour your hair then natural is fine, but a decent haircut and a brush is surely not too much of an ask?

Leggings are fine. Where they stop being fine is if they are stretched thin and underwear or flesh shows, or saggy and wrinkled, a decent pair of well fitting thick leggings with trainers and a jumper or long line top is fine.

and skirts and dresses are so easy, I recently bought this dress from john,Lewis , it’s so soft and comfy, and I can wear it with trainers or clumpy boots.

https://www.johnlewis.com/john-lewis-anyday-plain-ribbed-knit-dress-black/p110592363

It’s difficult to encourage children to look presentable when you don’t lead by example.

That’s good to know @Janieforever, I love my leggings. I buy really good quality ones from Bamboo (I wait for the sales!) and they are absolutely not see through or saggy!

I've never owned a blazer (apart from my school blazer!) or smart jacket.
I almost always did the school run in sports wear (because I was going to run straight afterwards) or workwear.....because i was going to work straight afterwards. It never occurred that others mifht analyse my clothes. My work outfit would be likely be jeans and a tshirt because I have a practical job. (I never knew people would judge wet hair either, until I joined MN!! )

No, I've never tailored what I wear to not embarrass my kids.

I do live in an arty town though, where anything seems to go, fashion-wise.

I can't imagine it even crossing my mind when my kids were little, and I don't remember ever having an opinion on what my friend's mums were wearing when I was younger either.

I know this won't go down well on the Style & Beauty board (I came here from Active Conversations), but I think that judging people on appearances is shallow.

I’m not fashionable but have some staples so I don’t look like a total slob on the school run. Kids are now older teens and never complained or got teased afaik 😂

Just reorder the brand of trainers you have in black (or mostly black), at least you know the right size and fit.

I’m on my second pair of these Brooks ones: I’ve decided they go (well enough)with everything. They are an old style so I got them well-reduced this last time. They are Gore-Tex though so may be a little heavy/warm for running but great for walking/wet weather. I have a different navy Brooks pair for actual running and can wear with navy things.

M&S have a flared yoga legging at the moment which I use as everyday trousers: bootcut or flared legs sit rather nicely with black trainers. I could never stand the running tights or skinny jeans styles.

Wallis used to have half-button utility shirts every year and I have a couple in black plus a few other muted colours. Paired with long (not super-long) slim cardis in various colours. Mix and match 😉

I think you’re undervaluing yourself, thinking that time spent on you is time wasted. That’s not true.

You don’t have to spend a vast amount of time but adding in 10/15/whatever minutes to attend to yourself is time well spent. Change your clothes, even partially, before you go to school, brush your hair and re-do it, etc. I’d also add in a bit of time in the morning to spend a few minutes on yourself. Not only will you look better, you’ll feel better too. That’s a major part of the reason I do it.

For you, @Fizbosshoes 🎁

https://www.uniqlo.com/uk/en/product/corduroy-blazer-jacket-462740.html

I honestly cannot imagine life without a jacket to throw on …

but I think that judging people on appearances is shallow

So I’m guessing neither Ethology nor Anthropology are your specialist subjects?

If you look scruffy then yes, your kids will be judged. Unfortunately, the school run is notoriously judgy and bitchy.

You don’t have to look younger at all, just be clean and wearing clothes that aren’t a mess. It’s nothing to do with your age but more that you feel better when you’re put together.

Personally, I adore putting make up on and I prefer to be dressed in comfy but clean and relaxed clothes.

I think bare minimum is clean, hair put together and clean, matching clothes. Do it for yourself too, you’ll feel better!

That really isn’t true.

I have overheard my primary school kids remarking on other parents and me!

They notice weight (which they refer to as fitness). They notice clothes, hair, headscarves, makeup, grey hair. They notice cars, where other kids go on holidays, other people’s houses.

it would be lovely if that wasn’t the case but the reality is very different.

Those Claire Waight Keller corduroy jackets for Uniqlo are so cool. I want one, but I don't need one, now that my school gate days are over! I need to stop coming on S and B!

I think you have maybe missed the point of the thread, it is not about analysing outfits, the op has asked if she should make an effort, she said she is clean, but not always tidy, her bras don’t fit, her trainers are falling apart, her hair, using her words, is a mess, So everyone is assuming quite scruffy.

it’s fine to wear leggings, jogging bottoms, jeans, clown trousers or whatever, but making an effort Is limited to being both clean and tidy and hair brushed, or up, and not in scruffy falling apart clothes and shoes if it’s avoidable, it isn’t about fashion choices.

Hi OP,
At the risk of being blunt, I think this might affect your kids (either being teased, feeling embarrassed) or the other parents might judge you (leading to less socialisation, invites etc).

There was a recent thread called ‘Does your appearance affect how people treat you’ or similar and the answer is basically yes.

In primary school (in the USA in the 90s) the young children would regularly say to each other “yo momma so fat/ugly…..” it probably is better now and children in the Uk are politer (??) but can still be harsh

My wee son said the other day that some children in his class were teasing another for having a large parent

I felt so sad and my DS said "don't worry mummy, they don't say it about you because you're skinny"

Cue a chat about how it's best not to comment on other people's appearance

Children can be mean. I do make an effort to be presentable every day. My hair is always clean and styled, clothes always decent, clean and ironed - but this is for me

I think you have maybe missed the point of the thread, it is not about analysing outfits, the op has asked if she should make an effort, she said she is clean, but not always tidy, her bras don’t fit, her trainers are falling apart, her hair, using her words, is a mess, So everyone is assuming quite scruffy.

it’s fine to wear leggings, jogging bottoms, jeans, clown trousers or whatever, but making an effort Is limited to being both clean and tidy and hair brushed, or up, and not in scruffy falling apart clothes and shoes if it’s avoidable, it isn’t about fashion choices
I agree with this. It isn't about judging people's fashion choices.
At our school gates there's a range of styles and levels of formality/styled looks from the parents in dog walking clothes to gym wear to casual outfits to work casual to business dress. Most people don't look scruffy (eg wearing trainers but they're not battered and falling apart, don't have their hair done perfectly but looks like a brush has been ran through it or it's been scooped into a lazy mum claw clip or bun look to look presentable).

I think our children look to us for the expectations of what's required and think it's hard to teach our children to be clean, tidy, and well presented if as adults we're in scruffy clothes, battered shoes, not brushing our hair, not making an effort.

I think people are fooling themselves if they think no-one notices them turning up to school frequently late, hair a mess, broken shoes and odd clothes.
Of course they do. Teachers will notice it and if I were a teacher I would be keeping a little eye on that child too to make sure all was ok.
It's not about feeling like you have to be in a fashion parade every day, it's pretty basic self care.
I would have concerns about anyone who was showing signs of not being able to cope with this basic self care on a regular basis.

Op you're skirting around some other issue here really and it would be more helpful for you if you could look at what's really going on for you. This is not about 'wasting time making effort' this is something else.

Do you send your child to school with unbrushed hair and broken shoes?

It takes no longer to put on clean, fitting clothes than unkempt ill fitting ones. It takes 2 minutes tops to run a brush through your hair and tie it back with a bobble / band/ scarf / hat - whatever works for you.

My mum and I are different people, often don't see eye to eye and have very different tastes in clothes.

However, I was always proud my mum was, and still is the best (or one of the best) dressed/presented women in the room. I've never seen her looking slobby, never in leggings, bobbly stretched jumpers, trackies, worn-out unpolished shoes, creased past-their-best clothes. She always looks glamorous, expensive (not in a logo flashing way), not a hair out of place.

I was a grungy metal-head teen and my mum's style was a complete opposite of my own, but I was still secretly proud of her looking like a model and not in a fleece+sketchers.

I'm the same as her now. I do it for myself, not my child. I make effort to stay slim, have my own sense of style and dress well, never in leggings, never unkempt, creased or bobbly. Morning-evening-shop run, school run, doesn't matter. I love myself, I love clothes, the way I look is important to me, and time spent on myself is never a waste.

I did make an effort on the school run and now if they are having new friends around. As Pp said kids are mean and will pick on whatever they can find sometimes.
If clothes aren't your thing You just need a basic uniform of stuff that looks ok, is comfortable and you can just Chuck on. So even if it's just a pair of classic straight blue jeans, a shirt and jumper and later a coat you can throw on over the top then just get a few variations of that and jobs done.

I'm an older mum too OP and also feel like this my DD is 8 ds 5 and I'm 45. Kids are mean and I don't want to give them any ammunition. I remember one of my friends hating how scruffy her dad was.

You need to invest in yourself a touch more, not for the sake of your children feeling embarrassed - but your confidence and health.
Reading your posts, you've said you don't own an autumn jacket which fits, your trainers are falling apart which you use everyday for ordinary tasks and also use to run in and your bras are ill-fitting and you have a wardrobe 'bursting at the seams' of clothes you have purchased that don't fit and not returned.
Firstly, bag up all the clothes you haven't worn in the last year - organise a charity collection or drop them off.
Second, head to the skechers website and get 2 pairs of trainers - 1 for running and 1 for everyday. This will give a break to your shoes rather than allow moisutre to build up and also give a rest on the seams instead of wearing one pair 24/7. Skechers have great comfortable soles and they last well with lots of different styles.
Third, for your hair - get a pack of invisibobbles or old school scrunchies.

If you're questioning if you're 'too' untidy then the answer unfortunately is most likely yes. Sorry OP.