Do you try to look good so you don't embarrass your kids?

[BarmyBarnacles]

It put very little effort into my appearance. I work from home so just throw on something random before the school run. My hair is always a mess and unless I go to the office I don't wear makeup. I've also got no dress sense and am obese. Basically, I just shower and then wear something comfortable. My hair is starting to grey quite noticeably now.

I'm an older mum (45) to two young kids, one in primary school (age 6) and the other one is a toddler (almost 2). I am pretty sure that for the toddler at least I will be the oldest mum at the school gate. I can't help that but sometimes I wonder if for his sake I should at least dye my hair and try to look younger. It shouldn't matter but I worry that the kids will be embarrassed by my appearance and though they should be more resilient and this is totally unimportant I wonder if I should make more of an effort. I don't need another area of conflict or difficulties for them.

What do you think? Do you try to look good for your kids' sake? Is it a factor at all?

Oh and when she’s had a boy over I’ve made sure I’m wearing something, which I consider nicer. She wouldn’t be seen dead in my clothes obviously but I’d look ridiculous in a play suit, micro minis or Nike pros etc.

Oh you're really welcome. I know it can be so hard to try to fit it all in and often the easiest thing to drop or ignore is looking after yourself.

Small changes on a weekly / monthly level can really have an impact.

I was a SAHM for a good few years and money was often tight to spending on myself wasn't always possible. I remember making sure I had a nice coat in decent condition and a decent pair of shoes which at this time of year covers a multitude.

I also remember creating the equivalent of a uniform. I worked up to having 6 or 7 outfits sorted. All things I could wear daily. Easy to wash and care for and most of all easy to wear. It took all the staring into the wardrobe of doom every morning away and equally prevented me from picking up whatever I'd thrown on the floor the night before and sticking it back on me.

It's about 12 years ago now but i remember wearing things like jeggings from M&S (couple of pairs in various colours), ankle or knee boots, tunic style top. I would add a long sleeved tshirt under or a long line cardigan over.
Some days a scarf, somedays a necklace etc
This is not to say you should be wearing this style at all, more the notion of making it as easy as you can for yourself, wherever you can.

Op I'm similar age and physique. Kids are boys which possibly helps.

My hair is clean and tied back cos it's a 20-30 minute walk. Clothes are clean and at least y interpretation of matching - jeans and a top of leggings and a dress etc so casual. That's enough
I'm clean and presentable.

Re your hair, do you ever have to go into work? What do you do then? Are you camera on in meetings? That's the one thing I'd tackle.

Re trainers, are their dad not in the picture at all? Anyone else who could have them for a few hours or can you not just take them shopping with you?

She'll care more about you being consistently late than messy hair tho

I don't think you need to colour your hair if you don't want to. Or try to look younger. Or wear much makeup. Well kept grey hair looks lovely. My most stylish friend had her first child at 41! Definitely more common these days.

I myself wear very little makeup; it does not suit me, and I have decent skin. DC grown now, but I used to wear jeans most of the time when they were little.

I would try to make time to get a good bra, as that really makes you feel better and gives a better shape to your clothes. You probably need to be remeasured after DC.

No I don't and honestly no one bats an eyelid. They go to a private school as well.

I've turned up in running gear and scruffy horse riding stuff before too. I mean I would try not to look like a complete hobo but don't think you need to go all out for the bloody school run!

Ok, it doesn’t take much to look tidy though, buying trainers should be easy just buy similar to what you have now, and for bras you can buy some soft stretchy ones with no under wire.

I think maybe you’re saying the clothes/shoes you wear are basically Ill fitting or done in. Is this the case? If not in what way are you untidy. Other than maybe your hair?

do you need some new comfortable clothes maybe? A hair cut? As well as new trainers?

I change out of my pyjamas and brush my hair for the school run. As long as I'm clean and presentable then it doesn't matter, although I manage to embarrass my teenager no matter what I look like!

It seems as if you’re prioritising everyone else all the time, rushing around, and not making time for self-care. And that has manifested itself in worry about your appearance on the school run. I’m not sure that your post is truly about grey hair and cosmetics. It’s about being run ragged.

The children’s father might need to step up a bit? If he’s around of course.

Maybe take a day off work to buy trainers and get fitted for a bra? Also a visit to an experienced hair stylist. Treat yourself to a leisurely lunch too. You really do deserve it. You matter.

You should look clean and tidy when you're representing your family. The falling-apart trainers sound very scruffy. Buy some new footwear. Your hair should also be tidy. I find it hard to believe that you cannot manage to tie back your own hair. You could always try a claw clip or banana clip, or even a hat.

I don't think it was about making an effort or looking good, more about blending in. When my DC were young the most embarrassing thing I could ever have done was draw attention to myself, so it would have been as much of an issue to have turned up looking like a supermodel (as if!) as the opposite.

That’s such an excellent observation, @5128gap!

Honestly, from what you’ve written it sounds as if you do need to take better care of your appearance. No matter what anyone says, people are judged by how they look - not that you need to dress in expensive clothes/full face of make-up but definitely - clean, neat and wearing shoes that aren’t falling to pieces/seen better days. Running into the school late, untidy hair, tatty trainers, boobs swinging in a bra that is too big is definitely not a good look. Leave your children aside, take better care of your appearance for yourself.

Since you went to the effort of posting, you know you need to take small steps to improve how you dress. It’s not just for the school pick up - do it for your own social life, for kids birthday parties, and play dates, etc.

I did at some extent when DD was at school and still near this in mind. I don’t focus on the latest fashion too much, I still wear slim jeans as wide ones don’t go with me at all, but I do a bit of make up to look fresher and do my hair usually before going out. I always did it before school run at primary even considering that I was SAHM and just went home afterwards.

I make an effort with my appearance. My older daughters (18 and 13) said im a cool mum... whatever that means.

I do it for me although I would be gutted if any of my kids were embarrassed because of my appearance.

So for the first year at the school gates (I was there every day) and made sure I looked good. This was deliberate because I didn't want other mums thinking I looked a state.

If I was meeting the kids' high school friends for the first time, I would always make the effort too.

What’s your thoughts op? You have been very quiet on the thread. Were you expecting folks to say it doesn’t matter?

in reality how we present to the world does matter. It doesn’t matter as to grey hair or dyed, it doesn’t matter to do make up or bare face. It doesn’t matter the style of clothing, be it clown trousers or full on glam. That’s all about personal taste

But generally as in most days, clean, decently groomed , tidy, not in clothes or shoes falling apart or scruffy is important. As people, and children most of all, judge us by our appearance. We can all argue that shouldn’t be the case, but factually it is.

youre only 45. You are far from old. A little bit of self love and care for your own benefit often works wonders for our self esteem.

so what are your thoughts?

Please don't be late and scruffy - they'll notice and so will others. That's embarrassing for them and what does it say about how you value yourself? I agree with a previous poster who says you deserve some time off to buy a decent bra, choose comfy shoes, and treat yourself to a hair session with a stylist to give you a style you can easily manage. It's not about looking younger or chic or fashionable, it's about looking like you care about yourself.

I think at the ages your kids are, then no, you don't need to worry about them baring embarrassed.

Wait until they are teenagers, then you will need to make a bit more effort for them to not be embarrassed.

You'll be 52 when your 6 year old is 13.

It sounds like you need to take better care of yourself. Why don’t you have time to buy trainers or nice hair bobbles?
Wearing clothes that are falling apart probably will embarrass your children.

Yes, always.
I have three kids, older teens, two at uni. They’ve occasionally said, “ thanks for being a chill fashionable mum” that’ll do me!!

I had an older mum and she didn't make the same effort as the you ger mums, it was a bit of an issue and I definitely got embarrassed.

People like to say they don't judge others ect but it is human nature and kids definitely do.

I should make more of an effort. It just seems like such a waste of time and I have very little time. At least I need to start wearing a proper bra!!

It doesn’t need to take much. White T/ shirt/blouse, well fitting jeans, nice trainers/ sandals/ boots depending on the season. Simple hair, up in a bobble if not washed. Smart coat for the winter. Job done

That sounds lovely. I can't take a day off though for reasons I don't really want to get into. Not at the moment. Also, I don't really want to buy more clothes. I have bought too much stuff online but didn't return the stuff didn't fit so I've got a wardrobe that's bursting at the seams but nothing decent to wear. Same with shoes. I bought a new pair of trainers that aren't comfortable but I didn't return them on time. Having written it down it does seem ridiculous to put up with torn trainers just because I've wasted so much money (and space) on rubbish. 1

Could anyone recommend a good pair of trainers that are super comfortable (with a very supportive and soft sole) but go with most clothes? Comfortable enough to run in them? I get terrible leg and foot off qache otherwise. My current ones are proper running shoes. Don't go with most clothes but superb for running...

I am pretty lazy about fashion and beauty although tbh if I find clothes that suit me, and I think I look good in thrm, I wear them regardless of the latest trends.
My DC are teen now and I sometimes ask DDs opinion should I wear this or this but hopefully I am not embarrassing.
My mum was older, fatter and more frumpy than most of my friends mums at school. I remember being aware of it but I don't think anyone else ever mentioned it. I was more embarrassed when she yelled at people in the street or tried to break up teenage boys fighting!