Do you try to look good so you don't embarrass your kids?

[BarmyBarnacles]

It put very little effort into my appearance. I work from home so just throw on something random before the school run. My hair is always a mess and unless I go to the office I don't wear makeup. I've also got no dress sense and am obese. Basically, I just shower and then wear something comfortable. My hair is starting to grey quite noticeably now.

I'm an older mum (45) to two young kids, one in primary school (age 6) and the other one is a toddler (almost 2). I am pretty sure that for the toddler at least I will be the oldest mum at the school gate. I can't help that but sometimes I wonder if for his sake I should at least dye my hair and try to look younger. It shouldn't matter but I worry that the kids will be embarrassed by my appearance and though they should be more resilient and this is totally unimportant I wonder if I should make more of an effort. I don't need another area of conflict or difficulties for them.

What do you think? Do you try to look good for your kids' sake? Is it a factor at all?

I’ve always try to make an effort with my hair and make up. I’m not the most stylish of dressers and live in jeans or dresses in the summer.

As I’ve got older and am now obese, I feel it’s important to make an effort, partially as I don’t want people to think I’m a sloppy fatty but also as I have 3 children (16, 14 & 5) and try not to embarrass them.

My mum always makes an effort with her appearance even now at 71 & even my nanny who’s 91, never goes out without her lippy on.

For me personally I feel so much better within myself to have my face on and hair coloured & hopefully set a good example to my children to care of their appearance.

I absolutely do make an effort for my dc's sake.

My dc are primary age. I make sure that I am well dressed in fashionable clothes, wear subtle but well applied make up and always do my hair. I also make sure that my dc are dressed in fashionable outfits, especially on non uniform days. And I get them school bags and other accessories that are "cool" to make sure that they fit in with their friends.

I know that some will say that I'm ridiculous and incredibly shallow but both my dc have SEN and I really don't want to "other" them any more than they already will be as they get older. Also my dp's were the kind of parents that didn't care about stuff like that and thought it was all ridiculous. They wore unfashionable, scruffy clothes and refused to buy me anything cool because they thought it was shallow. I spent an awful lot of my childhood/teens feeling ashamed and embarrassed. Those feelings have stayed with me and I'm determined not to do the same to my dc's.

I'm trying to hard to lose some weight as I remember my mum was the oldest and the biggest of the other mums and I wouldn't say I was embarrassed by her but I was aware and I don't want my son to feel like that about me. Plus I feel if I don't address my issues now it's only going to get harder. I'm an older mum by hospital standards but not today's but I've entitled it project 40. I'm giving myself 2 years to lose the weight and get fit

I went to 6th form open evening in joggers because I was wfh and dealing with a crisis until literally 4 minutes before it started and my 16 year old son was NOT pleased with me. I had purposely washed hair and done makeup earlier in the day to look presentable specially for this but aforementioned crisis meant no time to change. The struggle was real for him. For context, I am a fairly well-preserved 45 and I think a bit younger than a few of his friends' parents (he is my eldest and lots of his mates have much older siblings). It's just a normal state secondary in a normal, biggish, diverse-ish town 🙄

@TheDestinationUnknown my son is sen too. I think we feel more pressure to look presentable as teachers are always looking at us too.

I never thought I'd dye my hair but at some stage my older dds ( now in their 30s) said people will think dd3's nana is picking her up if you are grey so I started. Now I'm 58, dd3 is 15 and I'm still dying it - can't imagine being grey now. Totally up to you. People can be a bit judgey- ds went to a primary school in a good area and I stuck out a bit. Then people found out my elder dds were both at Cambridge and they wanted to get to know me! I'm glad I don't have to stand outside school gates any more.

Years ago I had an accident in the kitchen - the cordless kettle had broken so I was using our old corded one. When it boiled I picked it up forgetting it was corded and splashed boiling water on my face. Not a pretty sight but I was not impressed by dd1 who was about 6 saying she didn't want me to take her to school in the morning! Thankfully running cold water, frozen peas and sudocrem meant I looked acceptable the next day. Dd1 is now a senior obs and gynae registrar but I'll never forget her lack of sympathy.

@Manthide !

Seriously?😱

My son once asked me not to pick him up from college in my running gear complete with headband as he said it made me look like an “old hippy” 😁 so I don’t do that anymore but apart from that, no, I make no effort whatsoever apart from basic grooming - showering, quick blow dry. Never bother with make up etc.

Haha, similar memories of my little sister being a total sociopath about my teenage acne ( she is now plastic surgeon. I’ll never forget her GCSE art projects. She is not coming anywhere near my face with her scalpel ever.)

Totally up to you but it sounds as though you want to make an effort for them when it should be for you also. I work from home but I make it a priority to get myself dressed and ready for the day before the school run. It makes me feel better even if I’m working from home.

If you increase your self- care, loose weight and re-examine your wardrobe- it should be for you
Usually we put ourselves as Mums last, but you deserve nice things too

It's not an age thing OP, there are plenty of very well put together / glam mums in their 40s at our primary school. It's hard to tell the difference between a 30 year old and a 40 year old now. I think you have to really want to do it, if you are comfortable as you are, then you shouldn't change for anyone. However, regular 6-8 week hair appointments with a good colourist and eyebrow shaping can make a huge difference to how you look. Plain colours are very much in, no fussy patterns. Stick to the basics, black always looks good and don't buy sketchers. Sports Direct have plenty of reasonably priced Nikes. New Balance are worth it too.

It’s not just related to age but age adds to it.
I think good hair cut is a must, dying not so much. If you get a good cut/trim it will last you good 3 months. I have. A lot of hair but individual hair is quite fine. With a good cut it looks great and last me up to 4 months (I colour in between cuts), if cut wrongly I look I am wearing a mop, lol.
It’s easy to look put together but you need to “invest” in it first. Buy few pieces that will take you through seasons: a nice pair or trousers )jeans, fashion joggers) or a comfy midi skirt, couple plain (one colour) matching tops (I think colour blocking is always stylish and fashionable) with boots or fashion trainers.

I personally would..... not just for your kid's sake but for yours. You say you're obese, obviously that's not healthy, if you could make changes to improve your health then the rest would take care if itself. You'd feel better and therefore look better.

Sorry but silly comment about shoe brand, who cares 🤣🤣

My mum was always scraffy. She also smoked a lot and always with a cigarette in her hand - which in the ‘80 was acceptable but still - she was also driving an old battered car. I suspect she was depressed. No one ever teased me or bullied me for that, I was quite the popular and luckily pretty and my mum allowed me to spend money on clothes and shoes. But I felt always really ashamed of her, always looking at the mums who were well dressed and manicured and posh. It is not nice if you have a kid who cares about these things. I have always been well kept since although with covid I have started to wear leggings, but I try to style them with a very nice tailored top and jacket to look nice.
if you do not care, you might want to wait to see if your kids care/notice and then make an effort? Or you might want to teach them image is not that important and you can be confident/happy as you are?
I think I got a bit of this from my mum but I can still remember the sense of shame at the time, although I now get that it was silly and I should not have really cared!

Are you happy in yourself in your own skin? If you can say honestly yes then your kids will be fine. If not (which I suspect you may not be for you to be posting this) then Yes maybe make a little effort with yourself to make yourself feel better. The kids happiness will follow. 😊

My mum was short and overweight with a strange haircut and she wore strange clothes, she never wore makeup. To be honest I did wish to have a more “normal” mum like my peers and particularly into my teens I would avoid going out with her as I felt embarrassed.
I don’t think you need to worry too much though, a lot of people wouldn’t bother with makeup for the school run. Maybe just aim for coordinated yet comfortable outfits. I also find if my hair looks nice then I don’t really need makeup, and vice versa if I have makeup on I don’t have to worry so much about my hair, I can just throw it up and I’ll still look alright.