How to reconcile with losing my looks?

[BeachBlondey]

First world problem, I know, but I'm really struggling with this.

When I was young, I was very pretty and slim. I was constantly stared at and approached by men. I felt good in my own skin, and loved getting dressed up and going out etc.

I'm now 53, and look every day of it. I'm overweight by about 2 stone, have hooded eyelids, bags under my eyes, a double chin. My skin isn't too wrinkly - I have Botox. I don't look dreadful when I scrub up, but I just feel so down when I look in the mirror, to the point that it's stopping me looking forward to things.

Has anyone come up with a way of just not caring about this stuff? I don't want to feel fed up. I have so much else in my life that's good. DH and I are 4 years away from semi-retirement and have lots of plans. Our children are successful adults. I feel like I need to change my approach, or have a few mantra's to try to alter my mindset.

Thanks for reading.

Stop looking in the mirror? Flippant I know but it works for me 😬

Do you exercise? I love weight lifting and yoga. Both activities help me feel mindful and they also make me feel very positive about my body and what it can do so I’m less focused on what is sagging.

I think menopause messes with your feelings of self worth as a woman. Maybe this is affecting you. You're probably quite early in that journey. I'm a few years on from you.
I do think exercise is the best drug/youth pill. I feel crap if I havent walked/played tennis/ridden my bike/done some weights.
You've listed lots of things you can be grateful for - try articulating them every morning in a journal.

I honestly feel quite happy in my 57 year old skin. No tweakments, pretty fit, still got my natural hair colour, albeit with a few grey strands around the temples. And I think genetics have helped. But I can still read my face - see the pain and worry and joy I've experienced. And I don't mind that at all.

I hate that society has made many of us feel crap about beautiful, functional selves, and tries to sell us cures for ageing.

I definitely don't exercise enough. I walk the dogs, that's about it. I don't know how to not look in a mirror, lol, I have to do my make up and obviously would check outfits look okay, if I'm going out.

I feel the same way. I used to be slim and attractive and now I'm not.

I try and comes to terms with it by:

• remembering that this will be the youngest I will ever be ever again so I may as well embrace it

• that a few good friends haven't made it this far and would have dearly loved to

• exercise and lifestyle which can definitely change the way your face looks

• the thought that other people don't really notice looks as much as they notice confidence, character and how they felt when they were with you

• trying to be grateful for the wisdom and good sense I have acquired over the years

• by looking at my beautiful young adult daughters' faces instead of my own and rejoicing in their youth and loveliness and the fact that they can roll out of bed after partying half the night, get dressed and showered in five minutes, and still look gorgeous! 😁

• getting stuck in to hobbies that bring me happiness involving animals and plants, for which it doesn't matter what you look like it

It's still not easy and I've definitely lost confidence in myself and my purpose since menopause, but I am trying to work on it... .

Eek don't know what happened to the formatting.

@BeachBlondey, ah, I don’t wear make up and am not into fashion/style so can avoid mirrors for the most part!

I do find ageing depressing at times, but like @Itstimeforlunch707 says, I try to remind myself that getting older is a privilege denied to many. I also look at my fresh-faced 17 year-old and marvel at how beautiful she is! Youth and beauty is so fleeting isn’t it? Most of us don’t appreciate it when we have it, and it’s sad when it’s gone.

But there is so much more to life and to us than what we look like.

I’m nearly 50 and I stopped caring a while ago. I am trying to get healthy and lose weight but that’s for my health. Honestly, I get pissed off if I have had to wear makeup now. I’ve given up one job because I just could not be bothered applying gunk to my face everyday. My job now is self employed and I wear comfy clothes and minimal makeup. You’ll never look like you did 20years ago. Social media is a lie. Enjoy your life and start loving what your body can do for you on a daily basis. I’m counting down the days til I’m 55 years old, living in the country, growing stuff and only wearing makeup once or twice a month.

I’ve started reading the beauty myth - society puts so much of women’s value in their looks it’s hard not to feel miserable about aging.

I was an and am very average looking (although I did win a Beautiful Baby contest: but obviously downhill from there)

What I find best for me is neutrality; my body is to move me from A to B; not to look perfect for others.

My body and face are average; no one would call me beautiful and I accept this.

Well although I have health niggles I am 'healthy' I can't say I am 'happy' with me but I am no way unhappy I am just me

So I am genuinely just fine with that

There is a lot of beauty in older ladies. Look at Mary Berry. It's a different kind of beauty, you have to accept the ageing as part of life.
I struggled for ages with no longer being reed slim, but I just can't enjoy life if I count the calories.

I've taken to exercise and now have a healthy, stronger body, which I love.

I’m 60, used to be slim and attractive. Still slim and have young looking face-but I’ve changed the approach to my looks so where I used to like looking attractive, now I like to look elegant if dressed up and youthful if not. No tweakments. Dye my hair light brown and have shortish layers-admire long hair but I look awful with it. I can no longer wear clothes which reveal skin-my body is still good but I have loads of skin tags and moles which I don’t like to show. So sure, look on the mirror-but maybe steer away from looking hot and more towards looking stylish. The best advice is to be as active as possible-weights, yoga, walking etc. You’ll move much better, look better and feel better about yourself too. My mum died in her fifties, so I kind of think of my age as a bonus irrespective of how I look.

I’m over 60 and sometimes when I catch sight of myself in a mirror still get a shock of how old I am.

However I really don’t mind.

I used to be slim and very pretty but I didn’t like the attention I got from men so maybe that’s part of it.

As another poster said, today is the youngest I’ll ever be again.

Ive had my turn, now it’s time for the younger generation to shine.

When I look at my friends and peer group, they’ve aged the same as me, but I don’t notice their looks, in my minds eye they look the same as they ever did.

Id rather look my age, than mutton dressed as lamb.

I hear what you’re saying. I’m 38 and to be honest, I’m ok to look at, and still get stared at / approached but feel acutely aware that this is probably the last few years of that being the case. It feels like a shift is on its way and I’m worried about it. God knows why…it’s horrifically shallow and I have so much more going for me than my looks.

Focus on your energy, as you can absolutely still be unbelievably attractive despite not being conventionally beautiful.

This is very good advice, thank you. My daughter is very pretty (24 years old) and doesn't appreciate it, in fact puts herself down. I just can't get her to appreciate this stage of life in terms of how good she looks! LOL.

I see what you mean about confidence. I will try!

Unfortunately, I look awful without make up, so I do apply it daily, even though I work from home.

I identify with this. I know if I dieted, I could lose the 2 stone within 6 months. But part of me thinks, life is short, and I want the cake/wine. Aargh

I'm fortunate to have been a relatively plain woman my whole life. I didn't stand out in any way, good or bad. Whilst I'm working on losing a few stone (put on caring for elderly parents and not for myself), I'm doing it gradually, adding in weights and yoga, and I'm enjoying feeling strength returning.

I have no style, just jeans and fleeces, etc. I don't wear makeup but I look after my skin and have been rewarded with very few lines and saggy bits in my mid 50s. I have never been valued for my appearance as far as I know, so don't feel age is taking anything from me.

I value other things. My creative abilities. My interests. Running my own business. Working out. My friends. My home. My local community.

I cant say I haven't wished, at times, to look like Kate Moss. There's power in beauty, after all. But that's fleeting, and what you rely on once the petals start to droop is all the other amazing, wonderful, unique characteristics that make up you.

I like the idea of aiming for elegance. Perhaps that's worth a try.

To a PP, I still looked good at 38. I think it all went downhill rapidly at 50. Photo's of me on my 50th bear no resemblance to my 53 year old face. I went downhill fast.

Oh, and I've got dreadful neck bands now. One part of my neck, in the middle looks weird, like my neck is tethered to my body there. I wonder if Botox could fi that? 😥

I'm now 53, and look every day of it. I'm overweight by about 2 stone, have hooded eyelids, bags under my eyes, a double chin

Honestly, OP, and this may sound harsh- you can change all of this if you want to.

It's not a case of 'coming to terms with it' unless that's your choice.

If you lose the weight, your double chin will go.

How far you want to go with tweaks like Botox is up to you, but you are already on that road, so if it all bothers you hugely, there are non-surgical treatment for hooded eyes and also eye bags (under eye fillers can work well on bags as they 'lift' the skin.)

Might not be your cup of tea at all, but just saying!

Why not aim to be strong and healthy, and that means perhaps changing your diet (30 different plants a week for gut health is the latest thinking for health) and doing some exercise?

I'm a lot older than you and make a massive effort to stay slim (not for anyone else, for me!), take a lot of interest in make up, have used spf 50 for decades and have good skin.

You really don't have to lie back and give up at 53.

I'm the same as you OP, two stone to lose and a sagging face. Some mornings I feel better than others when I briefly look in the mirror. I have stopped looking too hard as unfortunately, however much I would like to, I can't turn the clock back and even Botox is not going to happen. With dyed hair and a bit of make up I can still look younger than my years most days so make do with that and try not to dwell on the things I can't change.

Are you losing your looks though, or are they changing??? I think you need to reframe ageing in your mind. You are never going to be that young, thin girl you were, so let that go. But your beauty is evolving into something else. You need to work with what you have and what you are, to find what that new evolving beauty is. Is it a different hair colour.....more glowy subtle make up.....bright colours, structured clothing..... a new perfume??? Have some fun with it but for Gods sake stop holding on to and mourning what you were....thats gone forever and youll only look ridiculous trying to find it again, but you can be just as lovely and attractive now, just in a different way. Helen Mirre, Michelle Pheiffer, Judi Dench, Julia Roberts, Monica Bellucci, Jane Seymour, Iman - take inspiration from these amazing women over 50, the list is endless!!!

Helen Mirre, Michelle Pheiffer, Judi Dench, Julia Roberts, Monica Bellucci, Jane Seymour, Iman - take inspiration from these amazing women over 50, the list is endless!!!

But most of those women have had surgery, apart from Judi.
Helen Mirren has had a LOT of surgery and it's obvious from photos. (She once was shown in bandages after most possibly a neck lift.)

Late 30s, had a stressful year or three. My hair is going grey rapidly. My jawline seems to be crumbling. Ahhhh.

I've never, ever turned heads. Rarely even had a compliment from other women, let alone attention from men!

In a way, I guess that makes ageing easier to cope with. I actually quite like my looks (even if no one else does!) and enjoy dressing creatively, even if only to fetch a coffee. I've never had to rely on external validation.

Not sure how this helps the OP, but to my fellow Plain Janes, hey, at least we've got few looks to lose.