How to reconcile with losing my looks?

[BeachBlondey]

First world problem, I know, but I'm really struggling with this.

When I was young, I was very pretty and slim. I was constantly stared at and approached by men. I felt good in my own skin, and loved getting dressed up and going out etc.

I'm now 53, and look every day of it. I'm overweight by about 2 stone, have hooded eyelids, bags under my eyes, a double chin. My skin isn't too wrinkly - I have Botox. I don't look dreadful when I scrub up, but I just feel so down when I look in the mirror, to the point that it's stopping me looking forward to things.

Has anyone come up with a way of just not caring about this stuff? I don't want to feel fed up. I have so much else in my life that's good. DH and I are 4 years away from semi-retirement and have lots of plans. Our children are successful adults. I feel like I need to change my approach, or have a few mantra's to try to alter my mindset.

Thanks for reading.

I think back to how much time and energy I put into worrying about the size of my bottom and cellulite in my 20s and 30s and think Fuck That. Not putting myself through that again about my aging face.

Thank you, a lot of these comments make sense. I'm going to read them all when I feel low.

I'm pretty sure that most of those actresses have had help though! I mean, Julia Roberts is older than me and looks 40. How do you even compare to that?

As a pp said, a little bit of exercise will help. Lose the 2 stone you say you've gained, put a colour rinse through your hair and water a bit of makeup. You can never go back in time, but you can make the best of what you've got. I know what you mean about the eye bags though!

No ones suggesting you go out and clone any of them...that's why I said its inspiration - something to look at and think, ok its possible! What can I take from that that could help me? Its a look at whats possible...some of that you can do, some you can't, but you need to be happy and give it a go, or otherwise pull on a cardy and give up.

Focusing on exercise for health and strength rather than appearance.

Being grateful that my body is healthy even if it doesn't look great, and thankful that it gave me kids. Loving my body for what it does for me rather than what it looks like.

Feeling grateful that at least I was young and pretty once and very much enjoyed it. I can remember the feeling of being attractive. Don't mind that I'm not anymore as at least I once was.

And just wanted to add....if those women have had surgery, is that so bad? Surgery / fillers / botox are tools you can use to make you look fresher. I dont personally believe that they work in that they can make you look younger, but they can help you enhance yourself and look less tired /worn out / saggy or whatever....that in itself is not so bad is it?

Repeat every time you look in the mirror

As a white candle
In a holy place,
So is the beauty
Of an aged face

I quite like not being eyed up and bothered by strange men all the time
I only really look in the mirror to brush my hair or stick in contacts
I fully get that getting older sucks sometimes and I think peri and meno definitely has an impact on how you feel about yourself . My solution is not to pay too much attention to it . I am more confident than I ever was in my 20s and I make sure I run regularly and exercise and try and eat well though chocolate is a bit of an issue !

Agree with those who say they were never anything special, it makes ageing much easier to cope with! I really love the fact that these days in a group of women I’m not thinking about how much more attractive they are and I’m really not bothered about male attention, although I do find being old (er) and more confident makes me happy to chat with anyone including men without feeling I’m being appraised. I have friends battling with their health and I’m very grateful that even though I’m not young, my body works.

I agree with this.

The most fundamental thing is that I’m still here too - I have a few friends who passed far to early and I owe it to them to make the most of what I have

No, not bad at all. I myself have Botox and look better for it. I am a bit scared of using filler, as I've seen some disasters! I absolutely would consider eyelid surgery. I did have a phone consult, but figure I'd be better losing the 2 stone first?

Bear in mind that carrying a little extra weight can actually help your looks as you get older. I was shocked that my jowls got worse when I lost the extra weight I was carrying!

Sounds daft but I try to think about my two lovely friends who died in their 50s (I’m in my 60s) and would have loved to have lived to the age I am now. So I mean I try to be grateful for what I’ve got and not dwell on what I’ve lost. I’ve still got life and health.

I’m not saying it’s easy, I don’t like what I see in the mirror! But I also remind myself that when I look back on photos taken now in a few years time, I will be amazed by how young I look!

Also, OP don't you find a new freedom in not being starred at? It happens to my daughter like it used to to me, and I do not envy her one bit.
I'm more depressed tbh at all the things I still want to do, and how time seems to be telescoping and I know there isn't enough time to go the places I want to go, and do the things I want to do!
A fading of my my looks (and it is a fading, not a loss) is the least of my worries!
Stay fit, stay well, and crack on with life I say!

No, not bad at all. I myself have Botox and look better for it. I am a bit scared of using filler, as I've seen some disasters!

If you decide to have fillers, you need to go to someone VERY good who is a cosmetic dr or a dentist, not a beauty 'practitioner'.

If it's done well, no one will know. They usually suggest doing the cheeks first which gives a tiny lift and gets rid of the square face we all get as we age.

You're right to consider losing weight first, whatever you decide.

I really do think we 'are what we eat'. Refined sugary food and booze are a disaster for skin, but good fats (Omega 3 and olive oil)etc are brilliant and will give you a glowy skin!

It isn't easy.

I was an ugly duckling teen, then became a fairly attractive 20/30 something. The difference in how I was treated once I was pretty was incredible though, of course, a lot of the attention was actually unwanted. I'd be lying if I said that I never miss the positive attention though.

I'm now a similar age to you. The things that help me are exercise and feeling toned. I have never been sporty, but I have gradually found things I like doing enough to keep them up. If you are toned, even if you are not super-slim, your clothes hang so much better. Also, a decent regular haircut, if you can possibly afford it, is a big help.

Yes, I agree, a few of my peers have died, and I am very grateful to be in good health.

I do go to a dentist for botox. She also does filler, I'm getting very tempted to take a leap of faith!

I only get 2 haircuts a year (before holidays), maybe I should re-think that!

Another way of looking at it is that you are now in the same boat as people who were never conventionally attractive - a 'boat' all of those people have had to sail in their entire lives. Be thankful that you were able to enjoy the privileges of being attractive in your youth, and focus on the future - your life, plans and aspirations.

Beauty and youth are a nanosecond. There is much more to life:)

I know it's not easy though.

For me it’s linked to a dawning realisation that really I’m NOT youthful anymore. I feel about 12-15 years younger than I am, and I actually look about 5 years younger than I am. But when I see my daughter looking so fresh and gorgeous, and my parents ageing by the day, it’s a shock to think I’m no longer 34yo.

I know that everything is what you make of it. I have the means and imagination to do more with my appearance, in an age appropriate way. I’m just not ready to embrace my actual age yet. I’m frumpy on the cusp of de-frumping!

I could have posted this myself, also 2 stone overweight and find it so ageing.

Last year in anticipation of a holiday I lost a stone over 3 months and felt 10 years younger, sadly some of its crept back on but on a mission to get it back off this year.

Whilst I do agree looks are not everything I do get where you are coming from, and I feel disappointed in myself as do feel my excess weight is my main issue.

Appreciate that 2 stone is not massively overweight but for me it’s the difference between looking good and feeling a frump and no amount of positive thinking will change that for me personally.

You can get a bit of Botox in your neck, works on the vertical lines, not had it yet but considering it, won’t cure a double chin but may give a bit of a lift.

I have a Foreo Bear and regular use also does temporarily firm up the jaw area.

Good luck OP, and if you do decide to lose weight do it slowly, 6 months for 2 stone is a sensible timescale, crash dieting when older can be apparently disastrous for your face unfortunately 😀

I think it’s harder if you used to be a head turner (without sounding big headed). I remember when and it’s seemed all of a sudden - that men just stopped looking at me. Think it was early 40s. I’m used to it now and it’s quite liberating.

I do think exercise that you enjoy is important for strength and mobility - also mental health. So if there is anything you like - that may help with how you feel. And the by-product is it can help with appearance.

I’m having to switch some cardio out for heavy weights as we lose muscle mass as we go in to perimenopause (well from our 30s but it speeds up - oh joy!)

Bit of Botox sparingly. I don’t think you have to throw the towel in. But it does take a hell of a lot more effort.

I will fully expect to have a facelift at some point. They can look fabulous done well but this is not for everyone.

It’s so hard isn’t it, without sounding boastful I’ve been attractive all my life (used to model in my youth) and as I’ve got older I’ve always been seen by my circle as the ‘torchbearer’ for looking great as an older woman, comments from my younger friends and family saying I’m their “inspiration”, I know this is a compliment and they mean well but honestly I’m sick of it, I definitely feel the pressure to defy the odds (and gravity!) It was relatively easy up until the age of 50 (and menopause) to look fabulous, now keeping slim is so much harder, I exercise regularly but don’t have as much energy as pre menopause and I can’t hide the face sagging! I still dress well but hair and make up is just so much harder now to achieve my oh so casual just threw this outfit on look, it takes an age! I’m going to move to a remote island where no one knows me so I can embrace just being me rather than how I look all the bloody time.

It also depends on the company you keep. Like me, of my friends have had tweakments. Interestingly one has a dentist husband and even she hasn't. So rather beautifully, we're all aging with our natural faces, and no one has jumped ship and made the others feel bad. We're quite unusual in that respect, but I do think it helps us all remain realistic and minimises dissatisfaction
We're all white fit and healthy though, so I think that helps.

We're all white fit and healthy though, so I think that helps

Before someone jumps on you, I'm assuming that's a typo for 'quite'? 😀