How to reconcile with losing my looks?

[BeachBlondey]

First world problem, I know, but I'm really struggling with this.

When I was young, I was very pretty and slim. I was constantly stared at and approached by men. I felt good in my own skin, and loved getting dressed up and going out etc.

I'm now 53, and look every day of it. I'm overweight by about 2 stone, have hooded eyelids, bags under my eyes, a double chin. My skin isn't too wrinkly - I have Botox. I don't look dreadful when I scrub up, but I just feel so down when I look in the mirror, to the point that it's stopping me looking forward to things.

Has anyone come up with a way of just not caring about this stuff? I don't want to feel fed up. I have so much else in my life that's good. DH and I are 4 years away from semi-retirement and have lots of plans. Our children are successful adults. I feel like I need to change my approach, or have a few mantra's to try to alter my mindset.

Thanks for reading.

Just turned 50 am 5 stone overweight, droopy eyes and downturned mouth. Years of chronic fatigue and stress still ongoing. DH has to diet now for health so am joining him and making an effort

How about telling yourself that your worth and value as a person does in no way depend on how many men approach you or how many men stare at you?

I find it quite sad that women - particularly older women who should know better - give any credence to this whatsoever.

I find one of the benefits of being 50+ is NOT being bothered by men.

I have turned 50 and feel ok. I work out using weights in my gym classes which help with my weight. I lost 4 stone a while ago with diet/excerise. Kept it all off even when I have days where I need a G&T and chocolate.
I feel more confident in some ways. Nothing to do with looks but with what I have achieved so far. To anyone else my life would seem pretty boring, but to me I am content.
I look at my DD who is nearly 16. She is beautiful with her long blonde hair, tall and slim. When she isn't moody, she is just so lovely and thoughtful. I think to myself, i carried her for 9 months and now growing into a young Adult.
It is good you take pride in yourself and I bet you look gorgeous OP.

Being older is great it's nice not being leered at by men or having to put up with bitchy jealousy from other women . Give me bring older any day . Love being in invisible to the opposite sex . Only now can I chat and have a laugh with men without them thinking I'm coming on to them .

To be honest, what I find most depressing about thi s thread are the number of women who say they aren't making an effort because 'they don't need or want to attract men' [any more.]

Surely, you look after your appearance for yourself?

Years ago my-then hairdresser used to ask if my H preferred/ liked one style over another. I wasn't choosing a style for HIM!

67% per cent of the UK is either overweight or obese and diabetes is an epidemic.

So much for the poster suggesting the OP just ignored her weight and moved up a dress size!

My own rule is I will never move up a size. I'm a 10 in most clothes , sometimes an 8. I'd never 'graduate' to a 12 because that's a slippery slope.

As pps have said, lose the weight. You'll be in a better place

@CoolasCucumbers yes and no! I maintain a healthy weight because I feel healthier for it. The fact that I look better at a healthy weight than a heavier one is a bonus. But I don’t wear make up or get nails done or anything like that and I’m not interested in fashion and style. I don’t really care whether I look ‘good’ or not. I look healthy and clean and that’s enough for me.

Yes, I was thinking this as I read the thread! I was a plain young woman and now I’m a plain middle-aged woman, so I’ve never experienced regret for losing my looks. I’ll admit to being slightly wistful when reading other posters’ memories of having been conventionally beautiful…

Yes, long time single here who isn't really looking at the moment. I try to make the best of myself for myself. It makes me feel better

There are many older women who are single, heterosexual and would like to meet a male partner. Its all very well for women in relationships or who are no longer interested in sex to be glad of a lack of male attention, but if you're a woman who hasn't yet written off that aspect of life, being attractive to men (or at least to one) is necessary. Nothing sad about wanting a relationship or sex after 50. Nothing sad about acknowledging that how you look will impact your options. Its simply realism.

My own rule is I will never move up a size. I'm a 10 in most clothes , sometimes an 8. I'd never 'graduate' to a 12 because that's a slippery slope

Well done you. The Thin Fairy will be around to give you your medal shortly.

I have a similar BMI. I don't feel the need to boast about it on a thread where other posters have expressed distress about their appearance/weight because I'm not a total.. berk.

Weight and appetite are incredibly complex. Finding it easy to be slim is influenced by genetics and (amazingly) very much by the bacteria in your gut. So you are basically showing off about being lucky with your turd-processing. Which seems apt.

I agree that weight is complex. I was effortlessly thin for many decades, but since having babies in my forties, and my thyroid packing up, I have gradually got bigger. Post menopause too now which has also added pounds. I am the fattest that I have ever been and I hate it. I know I need to diet but I am tired all the time, and stressed too. I have put on a chunk of weight eating sweets and sugary things while poleaxed by grief over the past couple of years.
I feel more attractive when thinner, I wear nicer clothes, I have more energy.
The one thing that is true though, is that being a little bit heavier as you age helps keep your face youthful. I haven’t had any tweaks and my skin looks fine.

I have a similar BMI. I don't feel the need to boast about it on a thread where other posters have expressed distress about their appearance/weight because I'm not a total.. berk.

^

Thin shaming much

Not thin-shaming. Twat-shaming.

Imagine this in real life. You hear a group of women talking about their insecurity with their weight and distress at ageing. You pole up and announce that you never let yourself go above a 10. Every person in earshot would think you were an insensitive twat, and rightly so. No different on here.

I focus on the fact that growing old is a privilege which far too many don't get to experience. When I think of all the people I know of that have been taken far too soon, I know they'd have given anything to get to grow old and wrinkly. So I'm going to celebrate growing old and embrace it with as much style and grace as I can muster.

My mum always used to say in ten years time you’ll wish you looked like you do right now. So true and it always makes me feel a little better.

Take a look at someone who hasn’t had surgery to get a sense of how unnaturally most of these ^^ women have aged - Justine Bateman, for one.

OP - I get it. I was also very attractive in my teens, 20s 30s (believe me, this was a revelation from constantly being mistaken for a boy as a child).

I’m 50 this year, and it depresses me to look in the mirror.

Ostensibly, I know all the positives of aging, but it’s still easy to get down sometimes. But a lot of advice on this thread has been really thought-provoking, so thanks for starting it.

My Mum died in her early 60s, and both my grandmothers (and one of my grandfathers) had died before I was born, so I do appreciate how lucky I am to be here.

My mother died at 50, so I very much agree that growing old is a privilege that not all get to experience. I think it is somewhat of a sweeping statement to say that they would have given anything to grow old and wrinkly. Gosh, if my mother would have lived, there is no way she would have embraced her wrinkles and have done anything, including surgery to prevent this.

I am a few years shy of 50, and still care very much about my appearance. I do not think there is anything wrong with this, nor is it wrong that I will continue to look after complexion/skin, watch/maintain my weight and keep in shape. Indeed, I consider this investing in myself, and for my future.

How is telling someone not to be smug and boast-y on a thread where people are struggling, ‘thin-shaming’?

It doesn’t mean what you obviously think it means.

Yes, she sparkles.

It reminds me of the bit in "the Twits" about beauty on the inside will always shine out.

I honestly thought I was pretty hideous, ageing well ahead of my time, when two (brutally honest) friends had a rant about how beautiful I was and how perfect my children are. They weren't being kind. It was more of a "you arsehole" type accusation. It really made me think.... Am I actually not ugly after all!!!!

My mum died last year and was of a generation who didn't have youth breathing down its neck. Sure she could see the likes Joan Collins and Jane Fonda who had had work done. But no one other than the starriest stars. In fact she aged rather beautifully.
I wonder, OP how many women you know who've had work done? You say you've had some Botox. It's no wonder some of us feel lacking. We no longer know what natural aging or beauty looks like

Well said.

Absolutely 👍 agree. Looks fade as you have discovered and if you put too much store and value in them, time will steal it from you leaving you feeling bereft. If you didn’t care quite so much about being “ very pretty “ you wouldn’t have noticed your looks had gone. I just feel like I’ve changed as I have aged. Some things are better but some not. I’ve grown as a person and I wouldn’t want to be that doll faced teenager getting cat called and feeling a sense of threat and fear from men appraising me like a piece of meat. I love moving about with no one glancing at me. I feel free and invisible in an amazing way

👏👏👏

Every now and then I find myself wondering why certain beauty or makeup products don't have the magic effect I thought they would, and then I remember that's because I'm older now.

I got a lot of attention when I was in my 20s/30s because I had a pretty face, long legs and was slim. Also I know how to dress. I am grateful for having what I had and I thoroughly enjoyed it all at the time. I have partied and danced and worn some fantastic outfits. I have a lot of memories of looking and feeling my absolute best for years, and felt pretty almost all the time, so I can't complain. It's someone else's time to shine.