How to reconcile with losing my looks?

[BeachBlondey]

First world problem, I know, but I'm really struggling with this.

When I was young, I was very pretty and slim. I was constantly stared at and approached by men. I felt good in my own skin, and loved getting dressed up and going out etc.

I'm now 53, and look every day of it. I'm overweight by about 2 stone, have hooded eyelids, bags under my eyes, a double chin. My skin isn't too wrinkly - I have Botox. I don't look dreadful when I scrub up, but I just feel so down when I look in the mirror, to the point that it's stopping me looking forward to things.

Has anyone come up with a way of just not caring about this stuff? I don't want to feel fed up. I have so much else in my life that's good. DH and I are 4 years away from semi-retirement and have lots of plans. Our children are successful adults. I feel like I need to change my approach, or have a few mantra's to try to alter my mindset.

Thanks for reading.

Oh cricket @MissLucyEyelesbarrow !
Yes! I most certainly did mean 'quite'! Besides, white wouldn't have been accurate!!

Crikey! Not cricket!
I think my thumbs are aging faster than my face!

I think so. I lost two stone at 51and I can't tell you the difference its made to my confidence and appearance. I've a BMI of 21 and a 37, 24, 37 body after being a life long pear, which was a nice surprise as id assumed i was stuck as a pear but now with a thick waist as well! Facially, I lost my jowls and extra chin and have a nice heart shape to my face now. My eyes also look massive in my slimmer face so I don't notice any eye lid issues.
The downside was some volume loss in my cheeks and some looser facial skin, which discreet tweakments have dealt with. Had I gone down the procedure route before the weight loss, I'd have been addressing different issues, which have now vanished, but were replaced by new ones, iyswim!

This sounds exactly like me. It was fairly easy to look okay, up until 50. But the last 3 years have not been kind. I have jowls that were not there 3 years ago. Slight downturns at the edge of my mouth. I'd be embarrassed to see someone now that I haven't seen for a few years.

I'm pretty sure that most of those actresses have had help though! I mean, Julia Roberts is older than me and looks 40. How do you even compare to that?

Vogue did a series of videos on celebrity beauty secrets. In it, the celebs talk about their skincare/make up routines. One of the benefits of this, is seeing older actresses before any makeup at all goes on them. e.g. Julianne Moore, Laura Dern.

Even if they've had surgery, they had perfectly normal, relatable (and lovely) faces that were only transformed into their screen selves once the make up went on. I bet Julia R is the same.

If you're going to compare your unmade face to them, at least make sure you're comparing apples with apples .

Also, I keep reminding myself: IT'S MY FACE! I will not be ashamed of my bloody face, it has served me well and is still there. Regardless of the fact that it no longer turns heads, everyone who loves me will love this face. Just as I love theirs.

Your value as a person does not lie in your physical appearance.

Do you think less of your family and friends if they are showing their age?
Love yourself in the same way you love them!

Of course if you DO think less of them then you're an old cow and I have no advice for you ;-)

I’m a big believer in accepting that you feel how you feel and then getting on with your day. So literally allow yourself to feel like this and then tell yourself it is ok to feel that way and then shift your focus onto your good points and the stuff you are grateful for in your life which I’m sure you have loads.

Personally I always find that if I try not to think about something it becomes an issue.

I have had one teekment and can really recommend it. at a private dentist who offers fillers, i had bulk put in just outside my mouth/cheeks NOT into my lips, this lifted the outer edges, did away with the droop, which was making me look grumpy, lips are still a bit thin but thats what happens with age. and im not going the trout pout look.
makes me feel so much better

This is exactly what I'm thinking of having done! I hate the pumped up lip look, so I'd never do that, but I'd love to get rid of the turned down bit at the corners of my mouth. So, it worked well for you?

god yes, make sure you find one who has done this many times before, dont go to some spa/beauty shop where they don't know or understand the anatomy of the face and the underlying muscles. He kept photos of me at the begining and now, the difference is subtle. it does wear off, one session lasts me about a year. £360 now, north oxfordshire

Honestly, no one cares about your looks except you. How often do you fret about anyone else's looks? Probably never, and that's how much other people are bothered about yours.

The person who does my botox is a dentist.

TBF, I think most people do care what they look like, don't they?

i dont do botox, botox is crows feet and frown lines filler for everything below (his words not mine)

I'm the same age OP and also used to be told I was pretty when I was younger. I feel invisible now but I'm not too bothered because I've gained in confidence.

I think the best thing to do is to try and make the best of yourself. Exercise more if you can, get your hair done, use moisturiser etc. Whatever you can afford.

I always feel good when I've had my hair and nails done even if looking in the mirror isn't great.

I think the single most aging thing is being overweight. All the women listed above, 'work' done or not, are a healthy weight.

Fat drags your face down and makes dressing nicely difficult.

I feel allowed to say this as i am straying into my 50s and have recently lost some but need to lose some more. Not enjoying the loss of looks.

I can cope with my face looking older/less beautiful - but the extra lbs, well they affect every thing. The way you move, your energy levels, the way clothes hang, your confidence. The lot. I've decided i can forgive my face for crumbling but i'm not getting lard arse. It's much harder to shift these days. But every lb is worth it IMO.

I don’t think social media helps everything is focused on beauty every magazine you open is either on fashion or beauty but usually both! I’m in mid sixties very happy with how I look but I don’t chase the oh I must look like this brigade, yes I could lose a few pounds, ( who couldn’t) I’ve got a double chin too. Maybe I have a different outlook on life but I’m happy I’m alive. I’m not in the best of health but I have a happy home life it sounds like you do too op, make your plans and don’t focus on looks, you already said you scrub up ok, I used to turn heads too, I suppose I’m just not focusing how I look in the mirror anymore. I go for regular haircuts love having up to date hairstyles they can make a difference to how you feel, and I love to wear styles that suit my body shape. Ido try each day but for me nobody else. I’ve never had any work done. Each to their own of course. I’m very much into eating healthy I think that helps too

I honestly think weight never ever has anything to do with it (honestly!. I think people 'let themselves go' (horrible phrase, I know, but I mean they stop looking after themselves/ washing their face and moisturising, stop looking after their hair on my worst days I just tie it up and it's dry and frizzy and needs more than that) and they wear clothes that make them feel absolutely awful. Oh plus the bigger thing, they stay on screens or stay up late, drink caffeine instead of water and get no sleep. I think honestly honestly that these are more of the things that make people feel/look that bit more haggard because they feel awful, so look sadder (for want of a better word). The days I look after myself are the times I feel more like younger me. The days I slide out of bed and don't bother to do anything at all, drink caffeine for energy and stay up late are the times I look much older

I honestly think weight never ever has anything to do with it

I think you're wrong - sadly. It's not everything, by any means, but it is a factor. There are stylish older women who are overweight, but it's an uphill battle because clothes are cut for slim women, then sized up.

But I do agree that being toned and physically confident are more important than actual weight.

@stayathomer

I do agree actually that perhaps weight gain often goes hand in hand with a general decline in doing the simple basics. Lots of water/sleep/less carbs. The weight gain is just the most easily obvious.

Things we did in our youth (late nights/alcohol/shite food) which didn't register on our faces now does!

I am a similar age to you OP. What helps me is that I remember my mum fussing and fretting about looking older when I was a teen - she would have been in her 40s. It really bothered her, even though she had a good, professional career, she spent an inordinate of time and and money trying to prevent wrinkles. She is 80 now, so of course she looks old and wrinkled. But she is fit, spry and young at heart and has far outlived many of her peers while maintaining good health.

Honestly, in the long saga of a life, your facial appearance is so much less important that staying fit and well and getting to enjoy a long life and healthy old age. Based on my mum's example, I don't really fret about my complexion. But I do exercise regularly, try to eat healthily and maintain a healthy BMI. These things really count in the long run. And everyone looks better as they if they maintain good health.

I had terrible neck bands and Botox made a massive difference to me. I'd highly recommend it.

Change what you can.

Dropping two stone is a doable goal and you should consider it for your health if nothing else. Don't let type 2 diabetes sneak up on you.

You have time to turn this around. Get started on a realistic weight loss journey. By next year you might be feeling much more positive.

Even six months from now you might see a big difference. Summer is coming and you'll be able to get out more to exercise.

Start increasing your veg and fruit, whole grain, legume, and lean protein intake. Drink lots of water. Cut back on alcohol and other processed carbs.

Im the same op...I used to be pretty. I'm aging so badly. I don't even have wrinkles...no one in my family gets wrinkly but...we sag! My face is sagging which is the worse kind of aging. If I just had lines, I could cheaply and easily get Botox. I think I'll need a facelift. I look awful in photos. Hope this doesn't offend anyone but I genuinely look like I have had a stroke...one side of my face seems to have sagged more and it looks very odd. Absolutely horrible. I also can't lose weight anymore...well I could but it's such hard work and so slow.

I'm probably not one to advise as a) never cares much about my looks and b) like some previous posters, never had much male attention anyway! I don't think I'm unattractive, but I'm just an acquired taste and not the feminine type that you're average bloke is interested in. But how I look has just never been part of how I value myself.

I'm not devoid of vanity, I put on 1.5 stone by the beginning of last year and didn't like how I looked with the extra weight (I'm short, so it was noticeable) and also knew it would be easier to lose if I started sooner rather than later. Going to the gym seems to be the thing that makes the difference for me - I went back to my normal diet after 3 or 4 months on low cal, and have only put half a stone back on (which is fine), but the difference is in back at the gym, which I stopped during lockdown and didn't go back to until early last year.

As for looking young etc, why do I need to? I have a DH who loves me, I'm not looking for another guy so I don't need to attract anyone.

That's tough, @Comedycook. And you're right that genetics and luck play a huge part in this. You can drink as much water and eat as many veggies as you like, but you can't fight your DNA. I'm hoping that I age more like my mother's side of the family (wrinkly but not saggy) than my dad's (sag) but, if I do, that's obviously a matter of luck.